Day 34

Apologies for not updating. I've been so depressed that all I do is glue myself to my computer and refresh all of the pages I use for job hunts. It's exhausting and I feel miserable. I've been having horribly vivid nightmares. I sincerely hate not working.

Day 31

I've been spending every waking moment behind my computer, sending out resume after resume, and getting nothing in return. As of right now, I've applied to over sixty jobs, both in my field and within the scope of what I am capable of. Today I have an interview at one o'clock, for something that will probably be sales. I wouldn't mind doing sales, but I pray that it isn't telemarketing. Not that I wouldn't do it if it paid the same amount, but, if it doesn't pay the same amount and it's just telemarketing, then my only lead will be for nothing.

So I'm praying to god that me dressing in a suit will do more than land me a gig behind the phone. Or worse yet, be for absolutely nothing. Because I need money. I don't care if I'm miserable while I do it, I need money to live.

I didn't go to band practice last night because of Stagi's graduation/after party. He's Willy's best man and best friend, and I felt it important to celebrate. After all, dude was in college for a long time. It's gotta feel good to finally be out of there. Hopefully he'll have luck in the job market. Hopefully, so will I.

Day 29

Today I was laid off. This is the third job I've had in the past three years. It's hard to look for my blessings, but I know they're there. I'll just have to work harder.

Man it was tough not to drink, today.

I've applied for about fifty jobs since I got home. Every time I get laid off, this is what I do. Job hunt online like a maniac and get severely depressed for the week or so that I don't work. I -hate- not working. I have about a month to find a job before I have to start dipping into our wedding money to pay for bills, so I've got time. But I'm still uncomfortable and anxious. My resume is okay, and I have the work to back it up, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

I won't feel better until I start getting a steady paycheck again.

Day 28

Only 12 more days and I can get back on my normal diet. I miss meat like crazy, lemme tell ya.. having a chicken salad or some kind of meat wrap for lunch was a godsend. I've brought oatmeal and carrots today, and hopefully it will keep me from getting lightheaded in the afternoon, like yesterday...

It was a scary experience. I get road hypnosis very badly when I drive home in the afternoon. Traffic is slow, and my eyes keep wanting to close. I nearly pass out, but then, as I see the lights of the car in front of me, my eyes open quick and I get this burst of adrenaline that keeps me bright and alert for about a minute. Then the process happens again. I've tried everything I could to stop this from happening. Loud music, singing in the car, the windows rolled down, but nothing helps. I wonder if it really is the lack of food, because this was a problem for me way before I ever started fasting. I used to get it very badly when I worked at my first job, and drove from Forestvile Maryland to Chantilly Virginia every day.

I'm trying my best to fix it, but one of the problems is how late Willy and I get home. He goes to bed at 1AM playing something on his computer, and since we live in a studio and his computer is right next to the bed, it keeps me up. So I get to bed by 1 and wake up at 8. Leave the house at 8:30, get the WORST traffic going in, and coming out. If I could get to bed earlier, it might help. I used to be able to sleep while he played in the living room, but the studio has made this impossible. Now I have to nag him to GET OFF THE DAMN COMPUTER or I end up in bed at 1AM.

And he doesn't need to leave early. He gets up at 8:30 or 8:45 and is out by 9 because his job is closer and people at his office get in later. So basically unless I nag him, I am screwed. I really hate this tiny apartment.

Day 27

Thanks to the people who continue to encourage me through this. Even though I can no longer fast for health related reasons, I still feel as if I failed. Like I was too weak to keep it up, but, this is the only body I have and I can't afford to hurt it anymore than it's already been hurt.

I ran out of my Advair a week ago, and haven't been able to get a refill because my bank needs to issue me a new card. Well I realized just how bad my asthma was, because without doing anything strenuous, I can feel my breathing constricted. Even right now, just sitting her, it feels tight. When I go outside into the cold, it gets worse. If I do any sort of workout, I wheeze and get dizzy. I need my inhaler around three times a day. That's how bad it is, and it's ridiculous to me.

I changed my eating for Lent, but now I've had to change it again. I'll still be a vegetarian, and I'll avoid as much animal product as I can, but I'm eating breakfast and having a mid-day snack. Today I brought olives and had oatmeal for breakfast. Throughout this it's lots and lots of water. Once Lent is over, I'll be low-carbing again to prepare for the wedding. Only four months away, now.. getting ever closer. My parents just helped us massively, and I want to make sure it's a beautiful day for them as well as me.

Day 25 - Bad News...

As it turns out, vegan fasting was killing me slowly. I'm certain it would have been better had I shelled out the dough for amazing vegan foods, but with the resources that I had, it just wasn't happening. I can not live well and be a vegan. I was getting headaches, nausea, and yesterday was the final straw. I was in a meeting with my company, and I had a migraine so bad that it nearly made me pass out. My boss talked to me afterwards, thinking I had nearly fallen asleep.

I can not let this affect my career, so I am making a change to what I've been doing. I will still be going vegetarian, but, I am going to have to eat something for breakfast, and something in the middle of the day. No meat (fish) until dinner time. Knowing now that I simply can't function without eating at a normal pace, I'm so angry with myself for not being strong enough to go through the full 40 days.

Don't worry though, I'll still be giving up the alcohol.

Day 23

Band practice, tonight. I am sick to death of the work I've been doing for my band. I feel like I'm working two jobs; I'm the lead singer, and also our manager. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't get complaints like "hey, can we get all of the pictures from our last shoot?" which I don't mind doing but nobody seems to understand that they are huge, and there are over 400 of them. So pardon me while I take even MORE time out of the very little time I have at home while not sleeping (4 hours) to batch process over 400 photos and make individual disks for everyone.

And I swear, if I see them used (without my having edited them) anywhere, I will kill someone.

Today I am going to explain to these guys all of the work I have been putting into our band. All of the phone calls I've made, with the people complaining to me about us not having sold 10 out of 50 tickets from our last show. All of the annoying bids I've made to gigs (with my own money, mind you). All of the e-mails I've traded with the people doing our merchandise. The money I spent printing tickets. The flyers I made for our shows. The bands I've had to book by myself to ensure that we HAVE a show. All of this I do in between my regular duties at my REAL job, as well as while I'm home, during my nonexistent "relax time". And people wonder why I haven't leveled even one character in WoW to 80 yet? It's not just my inability to quest grind. It's all of the shit I have to deal with simultaneously.

Oh yeah, and I'm planning my own wedding. Only 127 days away!

Man I wish Lent was over.. I really need some meat right now.

Day 21-22

Ack, forgot to post yesterday.. I was feeling horrible from about noon to four. I almost left work early because I felt that light headed/dizzy/nauseous feeling I get before I pass out. I discovered that whenever I wear a pair of pants that is tight around my mid-section, I get HORRIBLE nausea. And it isn't super tight or anything like that, just fitted. Another reason for me to lose weight once Lent is over...

You know, I've also realized how much fasting has changed my outlook on how I eat and how I -should- eat. When I do low carb and eat often, I feel really damn good. When I eat bread/pasta/potatoes, I feel all heavy and sick. I hate it. I hate this feeling. Being a vegan is really not for me. There aren't enough choices, and honestly, I don't feel -healthy-. I feel ill without being able to eat meat and cheese. I have headaches and neck pain and stomach pain and my sleep has gotten REALLY REALLY weird. I've been having wild vivid dreams of the strangest things. Horrifying things, in fact. Being a vegan has given me NIGHTMARES.

That's it, for now. Thank goodness the week is half-way over. I'm looking forward to celebrating Willy's birthday this Friday.

Added:

Okay, I cried watching this. This is an experiment where they filmed a fake "mom-zilla". A mom-zilla is a mother who goes NUTS during the pre-wedding process. Well, they showed what happened with a mom-zilla yelling at a skinny bride, and then a plus sized bride. The results were sad, but you know, they were also really inspiring. The woman at the very end made me cheer inside.

http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=7053103

Getting ready for a wedding is NUTS, people. I have four months to put this shit together and I can feel my hair turning gray. And I'm OBSESSED with watching every bridal show I can for ideas. Have you ever tried to put together 18 centerpieces on a budget?!?! It's CRAZY!!

Day 20

Well I'm halfway done! Today I am making a vow not to eat any junk food that just so happens to be vegan. I do not want to gain weight during this whole fasting thing. I know I've said that about a billion times, but I'm saying it again because I keep eating things like spaghetti. I really need to cut that shit out or I -will- gain weight, and with the wedding now four months away, I can't afford to do that.

My goodness, 4 months?? It's insane! Yesterday, Willy and I went shopping for wedding things. We bought all of our invitations, the programs, and started putting together things for our centerpieces. All of it has to fit in with the metal theme though, which is making things a little difficult. The most important thing is that we make sure that the colors fit. Red black and white. My idea was to use black vases with white ribbons on the necks, and then put red flowers in them. The flowers are really going to be the most expensive thing, here. That and the food.

Luckily, we're getting help from our parents. Their names are on all of the invitations. We also registered for the mens' tuxes, yesterday. The groomsmen will be wearing black and red. SO AWESOME.

Cold day, today. Not enjoying it. It really doesn't feel like a Monday. Feels like it should be Sunday..

Day 19

Ack.. this sucks how much I keep falling behind. It's Sunday. Yesterday I was swamped with things to do. I had to visit the priest doing our wedding, we went to Best Buy to get me a cable for my computer, and we had friends over. Well I'm back now, so expect better updates!! Fasting went fine, yesterday. :)

Day 17

Nearly half way through Lent, and I feel as if I've gained weight. Probably from the sugar in the juice I drink during the day. Boy, talk about one step forward, two steps back.. I really hate knowing I'm putting so much sugar into me, but I need to calories, and drinking V8 doesn't work out for me too well. I wish I had a juicer or something. Last night I had falafel for dinner, and some hummus. Tonight I have a show at KC's Music Alley in Fredericksburg VA, so I'm hoping I'll be okay. My throat feels very dry right now and I'm worried it won't get better.

Gotta get lots of water and fix it.

Day 15 & 16

I am -exhausted-. I've spent this week doing very little at work, so I devoted time to my band. I designed a new website ( www.bloodcorps.com ), I booked an entire show BY MYSELF, ( May 15th at Alley Katz! ) and drew up all the details I could possibly get my hands on for our other shows. I feel like I've become our manager. Throughout all of this I have also continued to fast.

Unfortunately, work has taken a turn for the worse. The client didn't like our style, so we've had to scrap 2 months of development to go into an entirely different direction. The good news is that I'm doing a storyboard of my ideas and they seem to be doing alright. :) The bad news is that I feel utterly nauseous. Coffee always has this effect on me. WHY DO I DRINK IT?? It always ALWAYS makes me feel sick.

Then of course, my wireless adapter died last night. So I haven't been on WoW for two days. Gotta go buy a new chord, but I have practice tonight and a show tomorrow, so God knows when I'll be able to do that...

Just like to note; today is day 16. YESTERDAY was day 15. I have become a day behind in my posts. So I am combining yesterday and today as not to get confused.

Day 14

So I am a day behind! Good news tho', you can see my bands' upcoming shows on our MySpace blog here. I just booked my first show and I'm so proud. :3 And hyped up on coffee.

Fasting is going fine. Looking forward to this Friday. Last night sucked, my wireless internet was awful and kept disconnecting, so I just went to bed early. XP

Working late all this week so I can leave early for Friday's show. I am exhausted. x_x

Day 13

The problem with fasting is that at the end of the day, I binge eat. It's all vegan, but still. I can binge on hummus, you know? It feels bad. I hate the feeling of fullness that I get at night. I prefer that moderate feeling that I get after having a very light meal. Not full, but not hungry.

Tomorrow I'll take that Naked juice to work so I won't get all tired and headache-y. Today was a full of fail for me. I need to stop overdoing it on the food when I get home. I know it's my body trying to make up for lost calories, but it's going to have a terrible effect on me.

Oh well, day 13 down.

Day 12

Sorry, forgot to post yesterday...

Unfortunately had to eat during the day, due to cake tasting. Pretty sure God will forgive me for that, though. Went to dinner with my parents to celebrate my dad's birthday, and ordered "sweet and spicy shrimp". It was pretty gross. Basically just a bunch of shrimp in duck sauce. Never again. Left it for Willy to eat for lunch. He loves duck sauce.

We found the cake we wanted, tho'! Chocolate with kahlua ganache filling. AMAZING. It was so delicious! I would recommend our cake lady to anyone. She is seriously the best one we've found in the Washington DC area, and we've done... lets see... 3 cake tastings before this? And yes, she IS in fact, the best. So we're going with her for our 3 tier metal-themed cake from HELL.

Only 138 days until the wedding. Holy crap the days are going so fast!!

Day 11

Whew, good day! Spent most of it doing chores and cleaning, doing laundry and such.. BUT I also did a lot of band work through e-mails and discovered that we may have a LOT of shows in the upcoming future. Very exciting!

Fasting went fine, today. It's always harder when I'm fasting at home, but we got some great vegan food at Costco today (falafel, hummus, bruschetta, ect.) and I had an awesome dinner tonight. Also got some naked juice from there super cheap, so I'll get to bring that with me this week for "lunch".

Anyhow, I need to get to sleep. I'll write all about my meeting with the wedding cake lady tomorrow!

Day 10

Woo, 10 days down! Only 30 more to go, heh. I am a quarter of the way through and I've found an overly expensive system that works, but probably won't continue with it because it is overly expensive. See, eating vegan, unless you don't mind gaining 20lbs on pasta and rice, is an expensive lifestyle. Expensive and annoying. I've found some juice that I can buy that gives me fiber and calories to last me until night time, but come on, $4.00 a bottle? I'd rather starve. And I will.

This morning I decided to go with a skirt, so I put on some pantyhose and my red shoes and a nice shirt. It was warm enough that I could go without pants. As soon as I get to McLean, I discover a huge run in my pantyhose. So I had to rush to CVS. On the way I went to the Italian grocery store where I bought my expensive-ass juice and a small bottle of soy milk. The soy milk was only $2.00... but anyhow, not doing that again. I do not like being hosed like this. I need either my own juicer, or to just suck it up. I could probably buy a juicer with the money I'll save on not buying anything for one week.

Practice went good, last night. I'm a little excited because we spent half an hour on the song I wrote at the end, and Fester (my drummer) really likes it and wants to use it. Unfortunately, it's only a week 'till our first show of the season.. but maybe we could do it for the next one? Ya never know. It would be awesome. Hopefully, I'll be seeing Watchmen today with EA. If not, Willy and I will catch it some other time.

That's it for now!

Day 9

Last night became a night of comfort food. I went to the store and picked up two cans of mushrooms to add to the marinara sauce I had, plus some whole wheat spaghetti, and some garlic bread. No worries, the garlic bread was made with margarine, so I stuck to the vegan thing. ;) I also tried out that "naked" juice during lunch with a small bottle of soy milk. Man, that naked juice is THICK. I got another one for breakfast this morning, but it's not the same. The grape one is like a smoothie, but the orange/mango thing is just juice. I got a can of V8 for lunch, so I won't be in pain today.

Which is good, because I have band practice tonight, and one of my guitarists told me a few weeks ago I'd leave without a voice. *insert middle finger here*

Day 8

So without going into the "TMI" category, I've definitely been noticing some changes as far as my shape goes. See, as a person who has NEVER been thin, I am not used to looking in the mirror without being completely ashamed of what I see. I still am. However, I'm noticing little things that were never there. For example, I used to have a gut. Like seriously, a GUT. I had love handles that you could grip and then some. If I looked at my profile in the mirror, I had this huge Buddha belly and an ass to shame the cosmos. This morning I noticed that my stomach is almost completely flat. It's not taut by any means, but there is no longer that bulge. There's no protrusion. There's a small curve beneath my belly button, and that's it.

At the same token, thighs and ass still huge.. but I have naturally wide hips, so my ass probably will never be narrow, no matter how much weight I lose. My thighs are another matter entirely. They will likely be thick for the rest of my life. Even if my ribs are visible, and the bones and muscles in my back, I will -still- have chubby thighs. Annoying.

But this fast isn't about me losing weight. I haven't gone down in weight since I started a week ago, and considering how my metabolism has probably slowed down to a trickle, I very much doubt that I will. If anything, I'll gain weight once Easter comes along and I begin eating normally again. I think having an empty stomach just helps with the illusion of thinness. When I'm hungry like this, I feel better. That's not a good thing at all. I worry that I'm fasting for the wrong reasons, and I really need to ask for forgiveness before my vanity overshadows my dedication to my god. I don't want to use Lent as an excuse to starve myself.

I'm doing well today, though. Last night was salmon, bean sprouts, mushrooms, and broccoli. I've also been snacking on cheerios. During the day today, herbal tea and water will keep me sane. I hope. I have a few of calls to make for this wedding, to the caterer and my priest. I didn't realize it was only 5 months until the wedding. Holy hell.

Day 7

So after an entire day of editing photos of myself, I was shocked by a few things. One, how strangely similar to my friend Hollie I look when I put on make-up; and two, how small my upper body is. Coming from a girl who used to look like this...
Believe me, wearing a size 4 shirt is a big deal. The bigger deal was the fact that I didn't have to Photoshop my upper body at all. Usually I need to take in a little here, a little there, tuck this in.. but not yesterday. I hardly needed to do a thing, besides make a few things smoother and of course, do a little color correction.

Whenever I look at that picture, I am astounded by how I looked. I actually loved my hair, and man, if only I didn't work at a corporate office, I'd totally do that again. The bangs were normally a bright red, but that picture is of me in the Louvre during my trip to Paris, and I didn't dye my hair for two whole weeks. Anyhow, I loved that hairstyle. I used to express myself with my clothes, my hair, make-up.. I had fun, because hey, I was in college. I could do whatever the hell I wanted and I enjoyed it.

Now that I'm older, it's more complicated. I need to blend in with the crowd, yet still look theatrical when I go on stage. It's like a mask I put on whenever I have a show, or do photos. I have different "me"s. For example, there is this me:See the one on the far right? With the tan? That's how I look just about every day. If you saw me on a Tuesday, that's probably how I'd be. Boring, bland, normal. (Willy is the nice gentleman I have my hand on, by the way.) I don't mind this look because, at the very least, I've got my bullet belt. A little bit of the real me to shine through. Enough to show -some- amount of personality.
Then there's this me:
You know this one. It's one of my stage personas. I'm a little more hard core, I'm fun and free-spirited, I bounce around and smile a lot and generally act a little crazy. I'm wearing pants and tennis shoes and chains. I have GOGGLES with SPIKES in them. This is college me. The me I miss because I was so fun and full of energy. I didn't really wear a lot of make-up, but I did wear a lot of fun accessories. It was fun. Everything that I did was fun.

Last but not least, we have a photo from Sunday's set. This is the me that I always wanted to be. Feminine, sexy, dangerous. Evil and beautiful. This is honestly the fakes "me" there is. I am honestly the least evil person you may ever meet. I like being nice. I'm also not naturally sexy. If I am, it's because of other things. I don't have straight hair, or pale skin, or wear heavy make-up. I don't wear "evil secretary" clothes and I don't keep my face that straight. It's not me at all, but I definitely recognize it's appeal. Right now, I'm sort of in a bind. This persona is awesome, but the other one, the me with the spiky goggles and jeans, that's more myself than anything else. So the challenge now is to mix the two, which I've had trouble doing. I have to find a way to turn what I am, and what I used to want to be, into one real person that I can actively portray.

Not as easy as it sounds.

But I'll work on it. For now, it will be my new challenge. I'm thinking of ways to do it, and I'm really excited with how it may turn out. I'm also looking forward to new pictures, but for now, the "evil secretary" look is in.

As far as fasting updates, I'm doing great. I've gotten used to eating this way, eating vegan, and I feel fine. I still get cravings for meat, especially last night when I cooked Willy some steak. My mouth was watering.. but, I lived. I was fine. I definitely feel the "sacrifice" part of Lent, even if it's just denial of my favorite foods. I'm suffering very little, in the overall sense of things, but it does make me think.

Day 6

Fasting like this is going to really make me appreciate being able to eat normally once Lent is over. Tonight I had some nice salmon and mixed vegetables for dinner, plus the last of my hummus and pita bread. Surprisingly, I was still hungry after that and snacked on some Cheerios. No, no milk.. just Cheerios from the box.

Today was basically just spent doing laundry and editing band photos. I'll be putting them up officially once the CD comes out. We should be putting in the order this Thursday, yay! I'm so excited to finally have some CDs. Also, I need to edit photos for our t-shirts. Hoo boy, work work work.

Day 5

Sorry I couldn't update yesterday, our internet was down. I had a pretty fun photo shoot with my band, though! Got some nice shots for the EP. Spend a loooong time on make-up, lemme tell ya. I even got my hair done for this one! I'll post pictures soon, but I need to edit them for the stuff we need to order.

The fasting went just fine. We went to an Italian restaurant after the shoot, and I got myself a small pizza with no cheese, some mushrooms, black olives, and anchovies. Awesome. I also got a mango sorbet for dessert. So I haven't cheat yet! I'm still going strong. Today it snowed pretty badly in the area, and I've called the office but there doesn't seem to be anyone there. We go by the government as far as closings are concerned, and today Fairfax County Gov. has liberal leave. Since all of the schools are closed, I'm betting most folks are at home with their kids.

Or, they're shmucks like me with tiny cars that can't drive through snow. My parking lot hasn't been plowed or treated or anything, so, I'm not gonna risk putting my car through hell. Plus, nobody on my team is signed into instant messenger, which means they probably aren't in the office. So I'll just spend the day all by my lonesome and stay home.