HIKE!

Well, yesterday I tried to do something fun and ended up doing something really stupid. It was fun, but still stupid.

So I'm sitting at home, doing nothing but checking Craigslist and WashingtonPostJobs.com for job openings, when I say to myself, "why am I just sitting around? I should go for a walk!"

Now I've heard of the Manassas Battlefield park, which is right down the street, and I did a little research to discover they had trails! I decide to walk a trail, without first learning about how long the trails ARE. So I go to the park. It's a beautiful 89 degree day. I set off walking, by myself, with my phone dying. I see a little baby deer, take some pictures, and keep walking. And walking and walking. Mid-way through, my phone dies. I realize I'm in the middle of the woods with no phone, no map, and no way of knowing how long this trail is.

I finished it, and came to realize it was about 5.3 miles long. Certainly not too long a walk, but going up and downhill, and over rough terrain? Yeah, it was pretty rough, especially during those long stretches when I was out in the sun. But I did it, and it was, for the most part, fun. Except the part where my phone died and I could have totally been murdered in the middle of the woods. That was dumb.

In other news, I have 14 days until my next show, and I feel really horrible about my body. So horrible that I'm considering the master cleanse, which I think is the most stupid fad diet on the face of the earth. But considering the fact that I only have 15-20lbs I want to lose, and it's known to get rid of that much in a short period of time (due to STARVATION, yes, I know), I'm willing to give it a shot. Beyonce did it, a friend of mine did it, and they both lost 20lbs and didn't die. So I'm willing to give it a shot. If I do, I'll be posting daily on the effects.

I am an advocate of low-carb dieting, not vegi-dieting, which I think is stupid as shit. But to lose these rolls? I'll give anything a shot. It's not gonna be anything permanent, and I'm aware that I'll probably be losing a shit-ton of water, but, lemme see what this does to me.

Hooo boy, wish me luck.

Made in Spain

Okay, so I wasn't exactly made in Spain. More like... made in America with Spanish (and Salvadorian) parts. While my brother takes directly after my mom's side (tall, long nose), and my sister takes directly after my dad's (sturdy build, round features), I went right down the middle. People usually do a double-take when they see my parents; my mom is really blonde with green eyes, and my dad is "chocolate skinned", as he used to say. My skin color is right down the middle, I have my dad's round face and my mom's long nose, with my dad's hair and my mom's small bone structure. All right down the middle. (I'm the one in the wedding gown!)Problem with coming right down the middle is, I didn't understand at a young age the evils of common American eating, and of course, neither did my parents. My brother and sister grew up thin (especially my brother), and my dad, believe it or not, used to run around in the shorty-shorts of the 80's with six-pack abs. Even my mom wore a petit size at my age. Yet as they grew older, and I just... grew, we all became overweight. I know my mom and dad don't like it, but I don't know if it affected them as much as it did me. Of course, that could just be me being selfish. I know my mom would like to lose weight, but I don't think she'd trade in the traditional food of our families to do it. That's one of the things I've had to do.

The title of this blog post is "Made in Spain", which is a show on PBS I've fallen in love with. The show follows the adventures of José Andrés, a chef from Spain who travels to and from different parts of Spain to show you recipes, and the origin of those recipes. I have a love/hate relationship with this show, because every time I watch it, I want to try the recipe. Or, I know the recipe, and it makes me sad because I can't make it on my diet. I definitely inherited my mom's taste for food, but one other thing I got from my dad is the aboriginal American's metabolism.

I've blogged in the past about how aboriginal Americans are a huge demographic in the obese and diabetes numbers of the US, and how unfortunate this is, because it's caused by them not have access to traditional food. See, we didn't exactly have Little Debbie and Checkers back in the day. In fact, aboriginal Americans didn't eat a lot of excess carbs at all! Want to know what they ate an abundance of? FAT. Animal fat, specifically. American "Indians" would try to hunt for the fattest animals that they could find, because eating that fat would sustain them longer than anything else. Yes, they ate veggies and root vegetables like potatoes and carrots, but, considering how long they worked in the day, those carbs were used. Nowadays, there's very little hunting going on. Many Latinos (if not most), have aboriginal American blood. Many of them, like me, can't handle excess carbs as well as our European cousins.

Now that kind of sucks when I'm half European, and I absolutely love Spanish cooking. If I were a marathon runner, or if I could even work out (which I can't, due to not having medicine for asthma), I might be able to indulge in a few things. Unfortunately, due to my mostly sedentary lifestyle, sprinkled here and there with lifting a few enormous pots and watering LOTS AND LOTS of plants, I just don't have the energy output to enjoy classic Spanish cuisine. And it makes me sad. So I watch Made in Spain, and I remember the awesome food, and the awesome locations he shoots at, and I wish that I could be there.

Yes, there's plenty of other things that I could enjoy from Spain, but I'll admit that food is my favorite. Well, no... the location is my favorite. Eating Spanish food is nothing if I can't be there. And I can't right now, so food is the second best thing. So, damn you José Andrés!! Damn you for making me remember paella and turron and other carb-laden Spanish foods which would be ruin me.

..but thanks for this (fairly) low carb recipe!

Pollo al chilindrón
Chicken with peppers, tomatoes, onions and Spanish ham.

Chilindron is a wonderful vegetable stew that comes from Aragon, where they grow astonishing vegetables in the fertile land near the Ebro River.

Serves 4

* ¼ cup Spanish extra-virgin olive oil, plus 3 tablespoons
* 4 chicken legs, thighs and drumsticks separated
* Salt to taste
* 4 cups diced Spanish onions
* 1 cup diced green bell peppers
* 1 cup diced red bell peppers
* 2 tablespoons minced garlic
* 1 cup dry white wine
* 1 cup thinly sliced and diced jamón Serrano (Spanish cured ham)
* ½ teaspoon sweet pimentón (Spanish smoked paprika)
* 2 cups plain canned tomato sauce
* 1 fresh rosemary sprig
* 1 bay leaf
* 2 cups flat mineral or filtered water

Heat 1 tablespoon of the olive oil in a 12-quart pot over medium-high heat. Season the chicken pieces with salt then, working in batches, brown them on all sides. Transfer the chicken to a platter and set aside.

Add the ¼ cup of olive oil to the same pot, and when the oil is hot, add the onions and peppers. Reduce the heat to low and cook slowly until the vegetables are dark golden brown, about 30 minutes. Add 1 tablespoon of water if the onions start to burn. Add the garlic and cook for 5 more minutes. Then add the white wine and cook until it evaporates, 4 to 5 minutes.

Add the jamón and browned chicken pieces, as well as any juices that have collected, and cook for 5 more minutes. Stir in the pimentón, tomato sauce, rosemary, bay leaf and the water and simmer over low heat for 1 hour or until the meat starts to fall off the bone. Season to taste with salt before serving.

Constant Reminders

So I try to give myself constant reminders as to why I need to stick to my diet, and one of the biggest ones is...

"YOU HAVE A SHOW IN TWO WEEKS!!!"

That's a big one.

See, I have a show in two weeks. A show I'm already nervous about because we had to replace our drummer last week ($%#@!) and it's for a show that will likely be sold out. We're opening for Edguy, a band that I've been in love with ever since I heard Tobias Sammet's Avantasia. See, Tobias Sammet is the lead singer of Edguy, and his voice is one of the things that inspired me to start a power metal band. While we're not exactly power metal, my vocals and lyrics can certainly be described as such, which is something I'm really proud of.

We opened for Edguy and Kamelot last year, and the show was completely sold out. Line out the door, wrapped around the building, I couldn't even get in to see Edguy after our set because the crowd was too huge!! But this year I plan on meeting Tobias Sammet, and for that, I want to be thinner. This year, the show is going to be streamed live on the internet, and damned if I want myself televised with huge thighs. God help me, I will do something to lose a few pounds before this show. I have to.

Weird Weaknesses

So driving home today, I started having crazy thoughts. I've been known to have secret binge sessions, where I sneak over to a fast food joint and buy something ridiculous on the menu. WHY? I have no idea. Maybe it's the sugar rush. I remember a few weeks ago, I went to McDonalds for a chicken biscuit. It was weird. I ate it like I was in some kind of weird trance. It wasn't even that good, but I got a food high off of it and it just made me feel lousy for the rest of the day.

There are some foods that are really easy for me to turn down on a good day, while there are others that make me feel like crying for not being able to have. Pathetic, yes? Things like cultural food, things that I grew up with like plantains, handmade tortillas, those things make me feel so sad for not having them. Yet now I understand that it's not the food itself, it's the environment that it makes me remember. I remember my mom frying plantains for breakfast during the weekdays, and my dad making tortillas and eggs on the weekend.

When I see cake, it reminds me of birthday parties. Pie reminds me of the holidays. Cookies remind me of the end of soccer games. McDonalds reminds me of my return from a two week trip to Italy, where I fasted throughout the day and ate vegetarian meals, and came home asking that my first meal back in the US be something from those horrible golden arches. And ice cream? Ice cream is like summer days when my mom took use to Tastee Freeze, the tiny run-down ice cream stand back home, which boasted two-inch thick bullet proof glass and soft serve cones.

I'm discovering that food is my gateway to memories, which is horrible. I shouldn't need to eat bad food in order to reminisce, but god help me if the smell of paella doesn't bring tears to my eyes. Some people's comfort food is fried chicken, and others have brownies. Mine? My comfort food is a baguette cut in half, smothered with tomatoes, some olive oil, and a little salt. Some have called it "the poor man's bruischetta". My mom calls it "pan de tomat'". I call it the bane of my existence.

Lettuce!!

Diet's been sucking, lately. I can't work out until I get my medicine, and I can't get my medicine until I get my insurance card. Ugh. As for eating right, the idea of eating the same thing has been pissing me off. I'm going to try to shake it up, but, I found a way to do that by forcing myself to eat the right thing.

See, I love gardening. I only have a teeny tiny little garden because I live in an apartment. Today, I uprooted my old dead sunflowers and replaced them with some leaf lettuce. I got two varieties; Red Oak Leaf Lettuce and Simpson Elite. Both are fairly easy to grow, and will basically FORCE me to eat salad because I have a nervous tick about wasting food. Like the tomatoes I grow?? I feel anxiety whenever one of them goes bad without me having used it. Hopefully the sight of fresh lettuce leaves will make me want to eat salad instead of zoom off in my car for some kind of carb binge.

Job front still sucks. I'm still working for Valador, which is awesome, but I do wish that I could find a full-time job along the same lines. Hopefully I will, but in the meantime, it's Mysery City - Population: ME

Obligitory Vanity Sizing Post

So yesterday, Willy and I went out with our friends to see Ponyo. AWESOME film, highly recommend it, totally made my biological clock scream at me with "Why the hell are you not having babies?!" to which I said "Shut up!!" and stuffed with diet coke.

What I'd like to report on however, is how we went shopping before meeting up with our friends. See, I only had like... 2 pairs of jeans. One for work, and one for fun. The work jeans were a size 10 and fit really loose on me. The ones for fun are a size 8 and I wear them for fun because they're tighter and more flattering, but not exactly comfortable in a 100 degree green house. So we went to Old Navy because ON is having this $19 jeans sale.

I'm a little upset that they no longer make "lowest rise" jeans with flares. Those are what I LOVE. I like lowest rise because, having wide hips and a tiny waist, whenever I buy pants that go higher than my hips, there is a ton of fabric in the waist that is just empty and looks stupid. So I buy pants that fit in my hips so my stomach isn't crowded with this empty fabric. Unfortunately, since I have such HUGE HIPS, I look best in flares. They even me out, you know? But they don't MAKE lowest rise with flares, and the best I can do is the "boot cut". I HATE THAT. I will wear the boot cut out of necessity, but damn it I hate them. Also, all of my jeans have to be "short", or I step on them and they're destroyed.

Now with that explanation out of the way, we went to ON. I found some pale colored boot cut jeans in a size 8 short. Grabbed them, hoping they'd fit good. But I couldn't find any flares that were 8 short!! The closest that I found were a 6 short. They were higher in the waist. I figured, what the hell, lemme give this a try...

And they fit. Fit great, in fact. So now I've got a new pair of 8s and my first size 6 jeans. But... I don't feel like celebrating. I know people do vanity sizing. I have a sneaking suspicion I'm really wearing an 8, or even a 10. I know I've lost a lot of weight over the past few years, but still. I remember three years ago, I had to really squeeze into a size 10. Now I'm in a 6. That's pretty cool. But I still don't feel like celebrating. I might try on some pants at the mall to see if they compare. I have a pair of size 9 pants I got from Hot Topic that are ALWAYS too tight, so it's like... no matter how small I am at ON, those jeans never get any looser. :/ Which sucks because they're these great bondage pants and I'd like to wear them to shows.

My band always pressures me to dress "well". When they say well they mean "like a slut". I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with that, no matter how often I explain to them, "I am a fat chick. No matter what YOU see, I will always be a fat chick."

So yeah. Size 6 a victory? I doubt it. Lemme be a size 0 and we'll see.

By the way, if I had a body like the chicks modeling the jeans in the pictures I'm posting, I wouldn't be whining. Fuck them.

Goal Changes and Body Types

Back in the day, when I was in elementary school, we had a dude come in to take our pictures of a Kid's ID. We had to write our hair/eye color, height, and weight. This was my first time lying about my weight. I was 115lbs, and I wrote down 105. All the other kids were still less than 100, so I got made fun of anyway.

Fast forward to high school, where I weighed in at 180lbs. Being 5'1", this put me in the obese category. I look at pictures of myself back then and think "Holy shit, HOW?!", but there I am, 180lbs. Then, during my 1st year of college, my loving ex-fiance told me I'd be sexier if I lost weight. He then pressured me into doing Atkins, which I figured I'd give a shot because I was a worthless fat-ass and should lose weight to please this idiot. So I made my goal weight 150lbs. Reasonable enough, I figured.

Well, I got down to 150... and changed my goal. 150 was not good enough, I should be 130 and I'd be happy. Right?

I got down to 130 and stayed for a while. I was proud of myself! I had successfully lost 50lbs, (more than 1/4 of my body weight!) and should be happy, right? Wrong.

130 wasn't good enough. I'll be happy at 125. Right? No.

I'm hovering around 122.5, now. Still unhappy. Found out a friend of mine who I grew up with is 105. So, that's my new goal. Yes, I know we have different body types. She's got naturally slim hips (although she'd argue otherwise) and thighs. I carry all of my weight... ALL OF IT, DAMN YOU, in my hips and thighs. I compare myself to a chicken. Big fat thighs, with normal looking calves, and tiny TINY (I'm talking size 5.5) feet.

So again, my goal has changed. Why? Because I have this horrid "body type", which makes my thighs constantly fat no matter how much my ribs poke out, or how much my wrists look like tiny noodles. My feet are bony. My collarbones stick out. Even my scalpulae are like two giant wings on my back, but still, FAT THIGHS. My eternal enemy, my eternal shame.

And dodn't give me that "child-bearing hips" bullcrap, because it doesn't help someone who's husband isn't particularly crazy for kids and lives in a studio apartment. I have these giant hips for no real reason other than my DNA. Gaddamn DNA, pisses me off every time.

Anyone else have problem areas they like to bitch about?

By the way, diet's going good today.

Problems

The problems I've been having losing weight recently stem from the scale, and how I know it works. I know that if I eat something bad, it will go up. And if I eat well for a few days, it will go down. It always takes longer for it to go down than for it to go up, and it is so discouraging when it goes up that I go on this "Well, it's already at 125 again.. so who cares what I eat!" mentality. It's this mentality that's keeping me from losing weight.

All I've been losing for these past few days is water. When I eat lots of carbs, I retain water. When I don't, I lose the water, and eventually, some fat. If I stick to my diet for about a week, I'm down to 122.5. Natch. I get joy whenever I see it go below this, but lately it's been so hard to. I make excuses. "I'm too tired to cook/prepare meals. I've been working 3 jobs. Why did I have to be born this way? I look fine.. sort of..." over and over.

I've gone so far as using a toothbrush to make myself throw up after a carb-laden meal. It's easier for me to enjoy my food, then just get rid of it, than it is to not eat it. How pathetic is that? And the worst thing is, I don't even really like it. I just crave it to make myself feel better. I use food as medicine, but then I feel so guilty that I get rid of it. Then I feel even more guilty.

I haven't done this a lot. It's tempting, but, I'm a musician and I know that if I continue this habit I'll end up damaging myself beyond repair. But the urge is so strong, sometimes. And it makes me pissed off to no end because if that whole "calories in, calories out" bullshit were true, I'd be one skinny bitch. I never eat more than 1000 calories in a day. I know I burn more than that amount just by living, so where the hell is MY weight loss? I don't see any weight loss unless I eat nothing but meat and vegetables. That's just how my body is wired. My native genes are not made to digest starchy vegetables and excess complex carbs.

I hate how my brain works. How I can love myself and hate myself at the same time. I want to lose these last 20lbs, but how can I when I repeatedly sabotage myself?

Memories of Music

When I was in high school, I got into anime. You know, Japanese cartoons, yadda yadda yadda. I bought a movie called X, which is a movie about the end of the world. I loved it, and since these were the days of Napster, one day I decided to type in X/1999. I found out that the song at the end of the movie was by a band called X Japan. I really liked their 80's metal tone, and so I looked into them.

Thus, my ultimate fandom was born.

I lived and breathed metal, after that moment. Specifically metal like X Japan represented. To like X Japan, you've got to be a fan of screeching 80's vocals, thrash guitars, and big hair. I love all of these things, which is why I decided to start a band to begin with. Here's a good example of X Japan. It's called "Kurenai", which means "crimson". Back when I first heard them, I'll admit, I hated Toshi's vocals. After a few CDs... man. I had the BIGGEST crush on him.

X Japan faced a horribly tragedy. Toshi got married and apparently joined a cult. His wife had him leave the band, which broke it apart. hide, their charismatic lead guitarist, went on to join hide with Spread Beaver. They were more punk. A few months into it, hide was found dead in his hotel room. He'd apparently hung himself from a doorknob with a towel (IDKWTF). Anyhow, by the time I was into X, they weren't really popular anymore. My world was shattered. That is, until I saw Saw IV in the theatre, and after it came out on video... I discovered that X Japan had re-joined, and that they did the end song at the end of Saw IV!! And they got NO publicity for it! They weren't even on the soundtrack!! I was heartbroken because had I known this, I would have GEEKED THE FUCK OUT at that movie theatre. This is the song, and the video. I cry like a bitch whenever I see it because, if you watch, you'll see lots of references to hide. From his lone unused guitar, to pictures of him, to the fact that they're singing a song called "FOUR", for Saw IV.. and there are FOUR of them...

Anyhow, I wrote this because I brought home a CD and it happened to contain all of the X Japan CDs I downloaded back in the days of Napster. And don't gimme shit for downloading, because if it weren't for Napster, I never would have discovered X Japan. And since then, they have received more than enough money from me to cover their CDs.

I now await patiently when someday they perform in a reasonable place. Apparently they canceled their show in Paris (only one listed, besides the two they had in Japan) because Yoshiki (drummer and piano) had hand surgery.

Someday I'll see them, though. Someday. Yes

Bonsai Trimming

Today was alright at the green house, as far as days there go. I was given a lot to do, which is just fine with me because when I'm kept busy time goes faster. First I had to water all the plants in the front, because holy HELL today was hot. So hot that I actually broke a sweat, which seemed to disappear by the time customers actually came in. Once I was done watering, I got to do something pretty kick-ass...

Sculpt the bonsais!

We have a lot of bonsai trees which get very little attention aside from their daily watering. I was wondering if their growth was noticed, and today I was asked to trim them. Well, a few of them had been sculpted, especially the older ones, so all I had to do was follow their lead. For the younger ones, I actually got to sculpt them myself! It was pretty sweet, I've read up on bonsai sculpting and I'm pretty sure I did alright. Nobody screamed and pointed at any horrible wrecks, so I'm gonna assume they look good!

As for the drama of yesterday, looks like we'll be handling it Thursday. Which means for the next three weeks, I will be in for a TON of stress. Weeee...

Is Nina gonna have to choke a bitch?

So, as if my recent bouts with self-doubt and depression weren't enough, today I received a phone call. Apparently someone (who I will not name, sorry), saw it fit to compare my involvement with my band to Gwen Stefani of No Doubt.

Yeah, wrap your brain around that one, wouldja?

This person has been on my ass quite a bit, lately. See, he's a Satanist. I don't care. I'm a Catholic. I figured so long as I never mentioned any of that there wouldn't be a problem. Apparently I was wrong. Whatever was I thinking for inviting him to my wedding? He actually started insulting my wedding and my church because... it was a church. And I didn't even bring it up! I was discussing looking for a sword-swallower for one of our shows when suddenly he brought up my wedding, and asked why I had it in a church and not a place "more human". Seriously, those were his words.

I do not get people like this. I don't rub my religion in anyone's face. As a matter of fact, unless you ask me what my religion is, you probably won't know I'm a Catholic. It's kind of a surprise for people when they find out, because it's so common-place to bash religion (especially amongst the scene I'm involve with), so when they ask my opinion and I say "well, the truth is, I'm Catholic", there's usually some uncomfortable silence. But I'm not going to deny my faith just because some people are too narrow-minded to accept other people's beliefs. I mean this guy claims to hate "bible-belters", yet he acts just as bad as they do! And then goes on to compare me to Gwen Stefani?? Who, I must remind you, I have absolutely nothing in common with past the fact that we're both women and we both sing in bands. You might as well compare me to Courtney Love.

Bands generally have two issues; the first are when I classify as "genuinely valid concerns". We treat these GVCs with respect, talk them out, and work through them. The rest I like to call "ridiculous shit". This is definitely ridiculous shit. This is some out-of-nowhere, "I want to be pissy" ridiculous shit from someone who can't seem to separate business from his personal life. Well sorry guy, but I'm not going anywhere. The fact of the matter is, people know who I am and they know what I'm capable of. I don't give anyone shit for anything unless it interferes with the band, and I seriously doubt that what I do on Sundays, away from you, interferes with the band. Religion has it's place, and it's not up for discussion. I'm not going to change my ways because you keep shoving your opinion down my throat.

That's right, assholes. I'm down with Jesus. What the fuck business is that of yours?

This weekend and the next!

This weekend was pretty dull, but I blame that on the fact that Willy and I are saving up for next weekend's trip to the MD Renn Faire. I used to work there a few years back, and because we're always so busy and/or poor, we haven't been back since. It's going to be interesting to dig out all of my stuff, again. My corsets are all looser (I used to wear a 24"), so I'm thinking of ordering a new one sometime. I always buy my corsets from Timeless Trends. They're steel-boned under-bust corsets and they fit SO COMFORTABLY. I kid you not, they will give you a waist if you don't have one, and if you have ridiculous proportions like I do, (29" waist and 40" hips..) they will emphasize every curve. I used to wear an awesome red outfit, but I think that a lot of my accessories have been left at my parents' house, so I'll probably be going with my magenta and black outfit. The colors aren't exactly period, but who the hell cares?? I'll tell ya who. Really uppety reanactors who look down on me because I don't make my own costume and I'm wearing non-period fabrics and colors. But ya know what? I'm in it for fun. If people can dress like fairies, I can be a sexy wench with bright-ass magenta and black.

What sucks is that I have finished my books, and I didn't go get any new ones, so tomorrow might suck. I'll bring in Carrie, which is by-far my favorite by Stephen King, so hopefully my day at the green house won't be COMPLETELY boring. Not completely... ughghgh.

Speaking of work, I'm wondering whether or not they're going to renew my contract this week. We haven't gotten the influx of work that they claimed we would be getting, and I've already worked through 22 out of the 40 hours they asked me to work. I'm hoping they give me another 40. Hell, I'm hoping they decide to keep me forever, but I doubt that will happen. They don't seem to have enough work for three artists full-time, which sucks, but I totally need to find a full-time job. God I want one so bad.

Whine whine whine.

I whine because nothing much happened, today. Woke up, made beef stew for the croc pot, helped clean the apartment a bit, went grocery shopping, made some chicken salad for lunch at work, aaaand that's it. I really do hate wasting beautiful days like today was, but oh well. Next weekend will, I hope, be bad-ass.

As for the weight-loss front, I haven't weighed myself in a few days. I've been too scared. I'll get back on it tomorrow. Hopefully I'll still be at 124 or lower.

Excuses

I keep using excuses to eat the way I shouldn't. Last night I was feeling so miserable that I ate a few crackers. They weren't horrible for me (flax seed), but I shouldn't be eating them. Yes, I am guilty of using food to make me feel better. Not just make me feel better, but feel good. I get food "highs". It's a shame I wasn't born skinny with one of those fancy skinny metabolisms like the people in my husband's family has. I'm so jealous of skinny people it makes me sick.

Anyhow, the reason I've been feeling so bad is because (warning, TMI ahead) I'm having some side effects with my current birth control. The side effects are making a certain thing last very long. Over a month long, in fact. And during this month of hell I have been having annoying stomach pain, fatigue, and constant depression. I've also spent what feels like a fortune on chick supplies. And what sucks the most is that I can't go to a doctor yet because my husband just sent in our marriage license. So now, I get to wait for the powers-that-be to get my new insurance card before I can pay a visit to my doctor and ask what the hell is wrong with me and what I should do. Should I switch birth control pills? Should I keep on it and hope it evens itself out, someday?

And another irritation is the fact that, after reading up on many people's review of this pill, a ton of people claim that they've gained weight on it. Which sucks for ME, because while I've been hovering around the 122-124 area, there's a possibility that my stupid pills are keeping me from losing more!! And the whole point of me taking these pills is to regulate my hormones and make it less likely for me to get cysts (which run in my family). So who knows, maybe I'm freaking screwed either way.. what's funny is that the first time I ever went on BC, I wasn't even really sexually active. I wasn't for a long time (for numerous reasons, most of them religious), and I was on Ortho-Tri-Cyclen-Lo or however the hell you write it. I got no side-effects at all, but this crap I'm on right now is just a freaking pain.

I wouldn't mind going off the pill, but, I'm married now. I kinda want to enjoy it without having to worry about getting preggo while living in a one-room studio and playing in a metal band and trying working several jobs. Babies are not something that I need, right now.

I am moody as hell, in case you couldn't tell.

Nothing

Still no word back from the interview I did last week. Gave them a call, guy wasn't in, left a message.. said he'd get back to me by Monday. Doubt he will, if he's already filled the position.

I feel so depressed I could throw up. I've got sadness nausea. First I have to see my fat thighs in a short skirt, and now this.. I hope I do well enough here with this contract position that they'll want me more, but I dunno. We'll see. I doubt it. Doesn't seem like anyone wants me, right now. Boy could I use a drink.

Anxiety

I totally just got an anxiety attack after seeing a video of myself performing in a short skirt.

If there's one thing that will keep me on track with my diet, it's seeing my fat thighs displayed for the world to see. Oh god...

*sigh*

Because I want to be honest, I must admit that I've been off the diet for two days. I have nobody to blame but myself. It was a lapse in self control, because you see, I'm in horrible physical pain, and how do I deal with it? I eat bad things.

Tomorrow, no more. I've worked too hard to let myself go again.

Now, another thing. I'm working as a contractor right now. It's weird, because I know a lot of people who strive to be contractors. I guess it's cool because you get to charge as much as you want, but, the fact that I'm not there permanently is kinda sad to me. I just want to go to my office, do my work, and get paid. Every day. Not "whenever they need me". I hate the uncertainty of it all.

Perhaps I over-work?

How I am going to manage to work 40 hours at my contract position while simultaneously working at the greenhouse on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings are beyond my thinking. I'm not going to have much of a life outside of work for the next week.. but.. hey! It's work! I can only pray that I get the other job I went in for on Friday. Contracts are great, but this could be a one-time deal.

So easy to shop!

You know, I find that when I'm dieting, it is SO much easier to shop. I know exactly what I can and can not have. A week back into my WOE (way of eating), I can easily say no to the snack foods that I have issues with (damn you, tortilla chips!!), and look forward to the foods that I -can- have.

This morning I drove to Bloom. See, I've got a contract with these guys who work for NASA to do some graphic work, and I'm expecting a call from them. Unfortunately, my phone is dead, my friend has my charger, and she's not home, so the only thing I have to charge my phone with is the car charger. I needed to get some veggies (all we have left is broccoli), so I went on an expedition to Bloom. I -love- Bloom. If I were happy with my weight, oh the things I would buy!! Mostly foods that I once enjoyed at home, things from my dad's country that I miss (plantains, yucca, mangoes, papaya...), and the awesome specialty tortilla chips.

But I said no! I totally said no to all of it and bought some good stuff. Chili flavored oil for stir fries, horseradish sauce for Willy's roast beef sandwiches, sugar-free raspberry vinegrette for salads, cucumbers, mushrooms, and celery.. and a few other things I can't remember. But I love the ease of shopping, and the peace of mind that I get, knowing that anything I eat won't make me gain weight. With that freedom, I could chew on this celery all day.. ha!

Today

So today, I had an interview. I had it at 9:15 AM, and it was all the way in Landover MD, right down the street from the Redskins Statium. Funny how I moved all the way to Manassas for my job, only to possibly get a new one right next to my old hometown of Forestville. Honestly though? I couldn't care less. I'd do anything to get this job. It's what I want, just a job as a graphic artist for a growing company, and I know I'd be happy there. I want this so badly. I need a job that will make me feel good, and I'll drive an hour every morning to get there.

Did VERY well on the diet front, today. Lunch was chicken salad, dinner was sausages and zucchini in vodka sauce. Two cheese snacks in between, aaaand that's it! I feel full and happy, and my jeans are feeling looser. So hopefully I'll get thiiiiiiiiiiinner...

But what would make me happiest is to be skinny, and have this job. So please pray for me, and pray HARD.

Bad Memories

Looks like I lost a pound, this morning. Not a bad start! I haven't been dieting for very long, so, that one pound was a tiny victory. Only nineteen more to go!

One fabulous thing about the Atkins diet that I've always told people over the years (despite their disapproving glances), is that when I eat this way, I don't feel hungry. And it's TRUE. The only times I feel hungry are when I haven't packed myself any food, which I admit, I do sometimes. At those times, I am tempted to cheat, because the alternatives are cheaper than my expensive healthy eating. When those times happen, I try to remind myself of bad times. Times when I felt bad about my weight, so that I might keep myself on track.

When I was in college, I wrote a big "F" on my hand. Wonder what that stood for! I used it as a reminder not to eat badly. When Willy found out that I did this, he was furious. I can understand his anger, but, imagine how I felt? I was a fat girl dating a cute thin guy. I was always the fat girl dating the cute thin guy, and for once in my life, I wanted to be the normal girl dating the cute thin guy!! And I was becoming my definition of "normal", but certain things plagued me. Like going swimming.

To this day, I put up a huge fight when Willy wants to use the pool at his house. I am miserable being around his thin family, where everyone can judge me as the ugly fat girl. I remember when I lost 40lbs a few years back, and was so proud of myself that I bought my first bikini. I think I was about 140lbs. I got into the water, and over heard some kid, maybe about 10 years old, say: "I've never seen a fat Mexican, before."

I was angry. First, I was angry at the kid for calling me a Mexican. I am not a Mexican, you little turd! But honestly, I was angrier at myself for having the idiocy to think that I could get away with wearing a bikini. How dare I think that way? And yet today, I consider my own thinking to be stupid. Why shouldn't I be comfortable in a bikini? I'm 124lbs, a weight that many would consider "thin", and the stupid BMI charts as "normal", but the idea of other people seeing my cellulite is humiliating. Yes, I know that plenty of other people have cellulite, but I was never one of those happy teenage girls on the beach. I never got to take off my shirt and shorts and prance on the sand. I never even wore shorts!! I still don't wear shorts. I haven't worn a pair of shorts since I was 13.

Boy does it suck to say that. I haven't worn shorts in 12 years.

But that's why I want to lost this remaining fat. My arms are a little chubby, but it's not them I worry about. People give me shit about losing weight because they've never seen my thighs. I would never let them! They're so full of fat that it actually.. I don't know... hangs? Jiggles? It's gross. It's disgusting. And it's what fuels me toward being 105lbs, so, if remembering horror stories about being fat will keep me on track, then damn it, that is what I am going to do.

And with that, I bring you a link to The Crazy Woman Inside Me's report on fat chicks in bathroom stalls. Because I do remember what it's like to be the fattest chick in the john.

I am physically weak...

...and had to leave work early today, because of it. See, it was Code Orange, today. Code orange means:

"Unhealthy for Sensitive Groups" AQI (Air Quality Index) is 101 - 150. Although general public is not likely to be affected at this AQI range, people with lung disease, older adults and children are at a greater risk from exposure to ozone, whereas persons with heart and lung disease, older adults and children are at greater risk from the presence of particles in the air.

Due to my severe case of asthma, and the fact that I have no health insurance yet (hurry up, Willy!!) and no emergency inhaler OR preventative medicine, I asked if I could leave early and trade with someone in the afternoon. See, I'm one of those people who's "at risk", which means I'm first in line for flu shots with all the senior citizens, and I face daily pain. It's great, really. Losing a ton of weight years back helped my asthma some, but, I've learned that my asthma isn't induced by exercise like many other overweight people. When I first got health insurance, with my first job, I was able to get myself tested by a doctor. She was shocked I hadn't done this before (amazing what you can live through!) because apparently I have the lung capacity of a 90 year old.

After getting Advair I was okay, but, since I've been without a full-time job for the past four months, I've been unable to have health insurance. Now that I'm married I'll get on Willy's plan, but these four months without preventative medicine have been hell. I got a severe allergic reaction at the nail salon when I got my nails done for the wedding, and not only did I break out in a bad case of hives from the wax job, but I also got an amazingly painful asthma attack. I honestly should have asked Willy to take me to the hospital, but damned if I was about to pay for an emergency room bill TWO DAYS before getting married. So I suffered through it, my lungs ached a bit throughout the weekend, but I lived.

Today, I didn't want to risk it. I was getting chest pain and lightheadedness in the greenhouse around 12, and by 1 I was downright loopy. Luckily I've switched places with another dude so I'll be working tomorrow morning to make up for today's lost hours, but seriously, it sucks so hard to be weak. And to not have the means to take care of it. This is another reason I'm so depressed about losing my job... it really did make life easier to live through. I need to find another full time position, and soon. Winter is coming, and my asthma is about ten times worse in the cold.

Anyone out there need a graphic artist? Damn it am I ever depressed.

Dewin' gewd!

Been doing pretty good on the diet front, except I didn't get to drink much water today. We were out of bottled water at the nursery, so all I had to drink was the Diet Rock Star that I brought with me. I had a nice chicken salad for lunch, then beef and broccoli for dinner. All of it homemade, no artificial bad crap, ect. All of it was good stuff! Hopefully we'll have water, tomorrow.

I managed to read another Lisa See novel, today. Peony In Love is an awesome and kinda depressing book. I've got this thing for books about oppressed Chinese women, and I think this is the worst one. It's freaking DEPRESSING to see just how men thought of women back in the day, and, I'll be honest, in their religion, the afterlife really really sucks. Sucks hard. I won't go too much into it, but if you like depressing love stories and oppressed Chinese women, this one is for you!

You know I've gotta have a lot of time on my hands at the rate I go through these books...

Weekend Omelette

This is my Atkins-friendly omelette. I make it every weekend for Willy and I, because it's filling, easy, and good for joo. So here's the recipe!

Ingredients

1/2 bell pepper, diced
1/4 red onion, diced
2 oz pepperjack cheese, cut in tiny cubes
4 eggs
3 tsp crushed red pepper
1/2 cup shredded cheese (I use Mexican mix)

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Mix all ingredients (except shredded cheese) together in one bowl.
3. Pour everything into a frying pan big enough to hold it all.
4. Bake for about 20 minutes
5. If fully cooked, sprinkle cheese on top and allow it to melt.
6. Pull out of the oven to cool. Remember to turn your oven off!
7. CONSUME