What's wrong with telling someone they need to lose weight?

People are ridiculous. I've seen a lot of horrible comments following my story on CNN, but one of the most prevalent themes seems to be that people think it's okay to tell someone they need to lose weight. Because they "care".

On the internet, we call these people "concern trolls".

Please, let me educate you on what you say to someone who you believe needs to lose weight.

Nothing.

Well, let me clarify.

Lets say you have a loved one who is obese. You believe they should lose weight because their health may be at risk. What do you tell them? Well first of all, consider the fact that the person in question probably realizes they're fat. Fat people aren't the idiots people seem to believe they are. People love speculating that all fat folks are dumb and have no idea that being fat is harmful and they're going to die if you don't tell them right now.

Stop it.

Fat people know they're fat. They don't need you to tell them. I repeat; FAT PEOPLE KNOW THEY'RE FAT. THEY DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL THEM. If you think they do, you're the dumb one.

Now, if you care about a loved one's health, fine. Why not approach them from a health perspective?

"Hey bro, I've started adding more vegetables to my diet and I feel great. I have this recipe for a delicious tomato bisque I'd like to share."

That's great! Do that!

"Hey bro, you know you'd look way better if you lost a few pounds."

Well no shit, asshole. As if every fat person hadn't considered that possibility. People seem to think it's my ex boyfriend saying that to me is why I lost weight. Are you out of your mind? I didn't lose weight because my boyfriend said I'd look better thinner. I lost weight because I was involved with someone who intimidated me and I felt that I had to do what he said or I wouldn't be worthy of compassion. Does that sound like a good relationship? Does that sound like a situation where I should contact him and thank him for making me feel so bad about myself, I lost a shit-ton of weight to please him?

The fact that I got more confidence to stand up for myself afterwards was a lucky coincidence. I could have just as easily been trapped in that situation for the rest of my life. Now, 11 years later, I've maintained my weight loss through healthy eating and exercise. I did that. Me. Not him. He didn't help me by making me feel bad about myself. He didn't help me when I was dieting, either. I did it all myself, even if it is because I felt bad, but I did it myself and I'm sick of people saying he deserves credit for being an asshole. Frankly, anyone who thinks so is probably an asshole and I'd rather not associate myself with them, anyway.

In closing:
Fat people know they're fat.
Stop being an asshole.
Treat everyone with love and respect.
Yes, even fat people.
You asshole.

It's been a long time coming! UPDATE!

It's been way too long since my last blog post.

First of all, I'm working a different job. Hurray!! I actually very much loved the people I worked with at my last job, and this new one came out of nowhere. Long story short, I'm now once again working as a full-time graphic designer and I'm VERY happy.

The reason I'm FINALLY writing this update is because recently, a CNN article went out about the weight loss I accomplished more than 10 years ago. I wrote the story on a CNN iReport back in December and a lady from CNN asked me if she could do a follow up. I said sure! So she did, and here it is, titled "Singer Drops 60 LBS and Drops Her Boyfriend". Quite the sensationalist title, considering this happened over 10 years ago! I would have figured that my maintenance should have been the focus of this article, not my boyfriend.

Suddenly people are coming to his defense. I feel I should clear the air.

1. He was emotionally abusive. "You'd look better if you were thinner" is a stupid thing to say to a fat person. Fat people hear this everywhere all the time. If you want to encourage someone to be healthy, telling them they'd look better if they dropped a few pounds isn't the way to go about it. The reason I listened is because I was in an abusive relationship with a person who not only made me feel small emotionally, but physically as well. He hit me more than once, which was the real reason I broke up with him. Then he stalked me. So I'm a little peeved at CNN for not including all of the details, but I imagine they didn't have the room.

2. This happened TEN YEARS AGO. The reason I wrote about it is because I'm maintaining this loss, and no, it's not easy. It's hard. I wanted to share my story with people and show that there are people out there who are not just weight loss success stories, we're maintenance success stories and we can keep it up, but it takes a lot of hard work.

3. THIS HAPPENED TEN YEARS AGO.

So there ya go. Hope this clears things up.

My Love/Hate Relationship with Full House

It's been weird on the internet, lately. The guys of Full House have reunited, bringing back memories of live studio audience "awwww"s, the Olsen twins, and Uncle Jesse's hair. I'll be honest, as a kid, I hated this show. I also loved this show.

TGIF was a staple, for me. Every Friday night I got Family Matters (hell yeah, Steve), Step By Step, Boy Meets World, and Full House. The shows rotated a bit, at some point Clueless and some other forgettable shows were thrown in there, but for the most part, all these comedies were family and kid-friendly. Sitcoms that anyone could enjoy, especially if you were a middle class white family. As someone who isn't white (and arguably middle class.. I never went to Disney World, but I did go to Europe?), I still loved these shows, and even today I'm not exactly certain why. I had nothing in common with any of the protagonists, besides being female and American. I'm not white (or black) and my environment wasn't this white-washed American place where I could ride my bike to the comic book store and back.

But maybe that's why I loved these shows; the hope that these places existed. I actually resented the Tanner girls. Here were three gorgeous blondes who never worried about being constantly bullied, who had great friends, who, at the worst, would have these insignificant problems that made me angry. Like, remember the time DJ thought she was fat? All I could think was "but you're perfect! I wish I looked like you!", because I was teased as being the fat kid in class and didn't realize that actually, I did look a lot like DJ. Except DJ was an actress and they made her lose weight and by the time she was a teenager, she was thin and hot (like the other Tanners). I wasn't so lucky. All that crushing defeatist "I'm gonna be fat and ugly my whole life" thinking (in addition to my mom's high-carb cooking) made me put on weight in high school, so I just hated the TGIF crew even more. In the 90's, thin was in, and every time I watch Full House reunions I remember how much I hated the Tanner girls and how much I wished I could be the Tanner girls.

Seriously, Michelle got to go horseback riding as a hobby. You know what my hobby was? Letting my mom take me to auditions I probably had no business being at because we weren't rich and I never had formal training. But if I were a Tanner girl, I would have had voice lessons, horses, a wise-cracking uncle, some guy living under my stairs... well, Full House was a fantasy land that I envied. That's what I'm getting at.

Boy Meets World was, however, my favorite show on TGIF so I eagerly await Girl Meets World and pray it's not a shit-show. Disney has a tendency to have nauseating sitcoms. Please don't screw this up for me.

I'm 30!

Well, I tried Kinja......aaaand I didn't like it. It was too weird to use. I did like that people could login to comment using their Facebook profile, but that was pretty much it.

Anyhoo, I turned 30 this Tuesday and I have surprisingly not begun decaying (yet). So far, I feel the same way I felt in my 20's. No creaky bones, no arthritis, no weird pain (other than my constant neck/back pain from car accidents) and besides the dry skin that accompanies showering daily my skin is still the same. What gives? I thought 30 was supposed to be some kind of milestone? Maybe that's 40, now?

Blaze taught me the art of invisible orbs.

Well I'm not complaining. I'm looking forward to being me for another seventy years. Last night I was in the studio to finish vocals on The Lesser Key of Solomon and I was able to hit higher and clearer than ever. My singing and performing has only improved with time, so I'm happy to no longer be in my awkward early 20's while I was still trying to figure out what to do with my hands. I'm also happy that I've figured out where I want to go with music and that my tastes haven't changed; I'm still into cheesy heavy metal. Not that all our metal is cheesy, but man, I'm looking forward to hearing what people think about this new album. There's gonna be some strange moments in there, that's for sure.

I'm also happy to currently work in a place where I don't constantly feel anxiety. It's strange to work somewhere where the rules are constantly changing (and never in your favor) and I like being able to come into a place where my coworkers (and especially boss) are kind, thoughtful, and appreciative of my effort. I didn't think it would take me so long to get to a place where people actually appreciate me. Plus there's a gym!

Oh the gym. I have a love/hate relationship with working out. I love how I feel after, and I hate actually doing it. People give me tips on workouts all the time, but to be honest, I just don't have the time to do anything but the workouts my gym can provide me with. It's small but I'm doing free weights. Maybe this is why I'm not having any bone pain in my (lol) "old age"? Strength training is supposed to be good for women, and I do it every day. Right now I'm working on lifting heavier without breaking my wrists, so lets see how far I can go with that.

Strangely enough, 20-25 seemed kind of uneventful for me. It was 20-25 where things really got a push, from joining A Sound of Thunder to getting married to buying a condo. I've been pretty happy, maybe increasingly happy, especially with where our band is going. So I'm saying goodbye to my 20's with no anger or regret. It was a good 10 years, and I don't think I'm done being arrested in a mini-skirt yet.

Oh officer, please be gentle?

Racism is Everywhere (and it's not cute)

Okay, I'm pretty sure we're all tired of seeing this shirt by now. A little backstory; Mastodon recently put out this shirt. It's stupid and racist but they don't want to say that because that would make them sound like dumb racists. Even MetalSucks is on this shit, defending the t-shirt from the perspective of a white person who has probably never had to live the life of a native American person.

Okay, let me take a step back. Is the t-shirt stupid and racist? Absolutely. Is Mastodon a bunch of KKK members who want to purge America of indigenous peoples? No. What they are is a bunch of dudes who have no idea what it's like to be an indigenous American. Or even a brown person. Mastodon is made up of four white dudes. Is there anything wrong with being a white dude? Of course not! I love white dudes! Being white is cool, but you have to realize that you, as a white person, have a vastly different life experience than someone who is not white. You can't understand what it's like as a brown person to see brown people depicted in these ways and maybe that's why they thought it would be okay to make this t-shirt. Mastodon even came out and said:

Regarding our thanks giving shirt, whether you choose to believe or not, (who doesn't believe this??) the American Indians were massacred by the white settlers who became the Americans we are today.

This shirt represents this atrocity and celebrating in the face of this atrocity is chilling. (I wasn't aware that we celebrated this during Thanksgiving.. am I doing it wrong?)

We may have a sick sense of humor, but we are far from being “Racist” as some of you who might not get it are calling us.

I personally don't believe they are racist. What I believe is that Mastodon doesn't understand what they did or why it offended people, and that happens a lot. It doesn't make them racist, it just makes their opinions the product of certain racist elements that are readily accepted in society. We see them every day and we've learned to live with them, especially in regards to Native Americans. Thankfully, we have (for the most part) put a lot of really horrible Black stereotypes to rest in this country, because duh, Black people aren't too keen on seeing stuff like this in the media. So they spoke up and people realized how stupid they were being. I'm sure there were plenty of people saying that those uppety Black folks should stop complaining and know their place, but they didn't listen. They fought against racism and are continuing an upward battle against it, today. And that's something to be proud of. So why do people get pissy when native peoples do the same?

Because they don't see them as actual people. The image of a native woman on her knees is every bit as racist as the "atrocity" that Mastodon is trying to educate us on. The idea that they feel we should be educated is even more insulting; please, tell me, who in America doesn't realize that the native people here were screwed during European colonization? I learned that in elementary school. Are some kids not learning that? I'm sure you can educate them way better than with a t-shirt.

And next time you want to bring attention to the plight of another group of people, you might want to try asking their opinion first.

Inappropriately Shaped

Butter me up, bitches. I am on a roll, today.

Backstory:
A few years ago, I worked as a software trainer. I liked teaching. Sometimes my students (shitty self-entitled adults) were irritating, but actually, I'm a pretty good teacher. I liked talking all day, I liked showing people how to do stuff. I also knew how to dress for the job. Knee-length skirts, blouses, pantyhose, slacks, blazers, ect. Nothing too tight or too revealing. At one point, I asked my boss if how I was dressed was ok. He said I was fine. Fast forward to several months later, I'm being laid off and he's telling me lies TO MY FACE. "Your co-worker had an intervention with you about the way you dress..." he lied, to my face, as they gave me severance pay. I'd later find out that they had a high turnover rate and would constantly hire/lay-off/fire people. But that whole inappropriate dressing thing always stuck with me, so I always made sure to dress in such a way that couldn't possibly be inappropriate. No cleavage. Skirts to my knees. It's easy when you're 5' tall!!

This lady is taller than I am, so
on me, the dress goes to my
knees!

So imagine my shock when my co-worker got an e-mail from another person we work with saying that my dress, the same dress I've worn several times before (without complaint), was "inappropriate". "Club dress". I'm not even kidding. Keep in mind, I paired this non-cleavage bearing knee-length free-flowing empire-waist dress with black tights, heels, and a sweater. It is indeed the same dress to the left. I wore purple jewelry (which got a lot of compliments!), and I guess that somehow translated to "people are paying attention to what she's wearing and this is bad". Not only that, but I wore this because she agreed that my old uniform, a shapeless polyester men's shirt and black slacks, was terrible. I even asked this person if my dresses were okay! I got feedback on every single outfit! Honestly, I don't know. This being the second time my clothes have been criticized, I'm starting to wonder if the clothes aren't the problem.

Maybe I'm the problem.

I think maybe, I'm inappropriately shaped. My figure is so awe inspiring, it makes people think that, regardless of what I wear, I am so fucking hot it's distracting. That's really the only explanation I can come up with. As a pear-shaped person, my small waist and wide hips immediately make you think of sex, which is my fault. Sorry about that. I'll be sure to wear my designated burlap sack in the future.

So what's it like to be a woman in metal?

First of all, if you groaned or made any kind of eye rolling gesture at the title of this blurg, shut the fuck up and give me a fucking break. Not only am I sick of people getting pissy whenever anyone brings up the word "woman", but I'm sick of people getting pissy when I make any mention of my gender when talking about metal. Lets have some real talk.

A few days ago, Metal Sucks posted this fucking gem about why "It’s Time to Stop Thinking of Women in Metal as WOMEN in Metal" . This was in reference to me doing a Q & A on Jezebel, a feminist website for women. So Leyla at Metal Sucks decided to pick apart the idea of women calling attention to their gender because if we want to be treated equally, we should stop shouting our womenhood from the hills or some kind of bullshit like that. What she failed to mention is that Jezebel is a website for mainstream women, most of which have no idea what's going on in the metal world, as a way for me to say, "hey normal ladies, metal isn't so scary! It's actually full of women! Let me tell you what it's like!" So of course in my efforts to bring more people into metal, what happens? We get an article that tries to punish us for talking to ladies about being ladies because that's wrong somehow. And we get comments from the local metal trolls about how women don't belong in metal, how men do it better, and how in general, women in metal are a bunch of whores who use our tits to get ahead. (AHAHAHA) Ahead? In metal? Are you out of your mind??

Now look, I will be the first person to roll my eyes when a girl in a metal band uses her body to sell her band because it annoys me on a personal level.. hell, even the women who did that are suddenly discovering that people aren't as stupid as to equate boobs with good music. But does that mean that every time a woman calls herself a woman or says, "Hey, check it out, I'm a woman" she's doing something wrong? Fuck you, why is that wrong? Why aren't we even allowed to talk about our gender? Once again, men are telling us what is right and what is wrong. Being a woman in metal sucks sometimes. I'm the last person you will see trying to be sexy or trying to flaunt her body (lol) or anything like that, and I still have bad experiences in the metal scene from misogynists who think it's ok to put their hands on me whenever they want. You think I'm kidding? I just got back from a tour that we're calling "the tour where things got creepy".
I'm sure I'll get plenty of dudes who will say "well if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen!". Haha, fuck you. Fuck you and keep your fucking hands off me. If we've just met, I do not want to hug you. I reserve hugs (and touching of any kind) to people I choose to hug (like friends) and I do not need your lingering odor all over me because you think it's cool to embrace someone three times smaller than you over and over again. Take a hint. I understand that some people are socially awkward, but I don't think every creepy dude I encountered on this trip has autism. I think they're just used to thinking that hugging a woman over and over again is okay for some reason. Stop fucking hugging me. It's exhausting. Stop grabbing my hand and trying to pull me places. Have a conversation like a normal person. Would you hug a dude you just met over and over again? Probably not.

And that's why I'm sick of this whole "if you want to be treated equally, act like a guy!" bullshit. Are you fucking kidding me? I go out there in jeans and a t-shirt and I still have sweaty man children trying to fondle me. I don't allow strange men to buy me drinks because I think it's mean to lead men on, so don't even think of accusing me of it. I don't tell men I'm single, I don't tell men I'm available to date, all I do is tell them I'm in a band and if they'd like to stick around and watch the show I would appreciate it. You watching me does not mean you are allowed to grab me. Hands off.

That includes you, Facebook stalkers. Please, come say hello. I'm fine with saying hello. Just keep your hands off of me, don't get frighteningly drunk, and know when to say goodbye.