A big %&$# you to the Canadian government!

"Holy shit!" I said to myself as the e-mail came back. The date was open. They'd put it on hold 'til we signed a contract. Hurray!! Our first show in Canada! We'd be playing in Montreal, a magical city that boasts a beautiful night life and metal fans who like clean vocals. It was an amazing feeling. I felt accomplished.

Then this happened.

New fees for international touring musicians entering Canada

THANKS, CANADIAN GOVERNMENT. In a nutshell, they raised the cost of band members entering Canada, which means it costs$450 PER PERSON to play. I have a four piece band, so it's almost two thousand bucks to play a show that might make us a hundred bucks. Ahahahahahahanonononono. Thanks, Canada, for robbing our Canadian fans of the chance to see us near them. Thanks for sucking the life out of the local clubs who get American bands in there. From what I've heard, this is all part of some scheme to try and get Canada to promote more Canadian musicians.

Hey, I'm all for promoting locals. But don't forget that traveling musicians often help boost attendance to local performances! Playing with bands from Europe has helped us immensely. I can't imagine what it would be like if we couldn't have bands like Primal Fear or Doro come to the US, bands that are (despite their fame and history) considered "small" in our area. I doubt pop stars are gonna have a problem paying these fees, but smaller musicians? DIY bands trying to make it in a market that largely rejects them? This isn't gonna go well for us, and now it's likely we'll have to cancel our plans.

Sigh.

Gratitude Project (in a nutshell)

So if you're on my friends list, odds are you've come across the "gratitude project" in which people will list one thing they're grateful for every day. Every year I see this and think, "that's a great idea!", and every year I feel kind of guilty for wanting to put what I'm grateful for on Facebook every day because it feels like bragging. So instead, I'm just gonna put it on this blurg for today because on the way into work, I had a thought.

It's freaking gorgeous outside, today. This is the kind of day I should be going on a trip to the beach with Willy to frolic amidst the sand in the sun. I hate being cooped up on pretty days, especially on a Monday when I'm tired and annoyed. However. Then I remember what it was like before I had a decent job, when waking up meant facing the realization that I'd been laid off one of those three times. The third time gave way to the most depressing moment of my life, when I was laid off from a job that I actually liked and where I actually tried really hard to be an upbeat productive member of a team. I came to work early every day. I got my work done early. I spoke up during every meeting, voicing my opinion, giving feedback, and generally acting like a leader in an area I had actual knowledge in (educational gaming software) only for them to tell me, after a few months, that the client no longer wanted a fun game and they wouldn't need me anymore. Bye bye. Go away. The receptionist will see you out.

Oh. Okay.

Enter a good month of depression where I applied to every single job in the world and was THIS CLOSE to waitressing at a seafood restaurant. I have no shame when it comes to work. I do not believe in jobs being "beneath me". I believe in jobs and I believe in working hard because when my parents came to this country, they had nothing. I've got a college degree, so what's my excuse for not working? Oh, it doesn't pay enough? Too fucking bad. I was willing to work at McDonalds until I could find better. I wound up working in a greenhouse, which I actually sort of enjoyed because I love plants and I was able to grow food on our balcony on the cheap. I was getting paid half of what I was used to and living in a studio apartment with another human and my cat. It was sad. I was sad. All the time. This was actually when I met Josh and Chris and was introduced to A Sound of Thunder, which made me very not sad. This was also when I got married! Even during the worst time of my life, I had blessings. I'm fortunate.

And now? I can't even begin to list my blessings. Not only do I have a good job in the city (which I love), but it pays well. I can get overtime. I get to wear dresses and get mani/pedis every two weeks. I make enough money to pay for whatever car I want and live in a nice neighborhood with nice neighbors. I can walk to my grocery store. I can afford artisan cheese every week. I can eat a low carb diet and feel healthy. Despite my many complaints about my body, I'm very healthy and can function as a productive member of society. I'm not disfigured in any way, so dudes still buy me drinks. I've got a band. I'm recording a new album. There are people all over the world who listen to me and enjoy hearing me sing. I have fans. I still have a 27" waist. I have someone who loves me. My teeth are straight.

I can't list all my blessings on here because there are way too many. I'm lucky, not just because I was given a great family with great values, but because I inherited their work ethic. I see ladies cleaning sinks and cutting grass, and (our race in common aside...), that could easily have been me. I could be the janitor working at the office building, but instead I'm the lady in the dress sitting at the front desk. I might get annoyed with some tenets of the job, but who isn't sometimes? The fact is that I was able to move up from a greenhouse to a place that will allow me to live in a way that I don't only enjoy, but love. So instead of being annoyed that I have to be at work on a Monday, I'm thankful that I get to be at work on a Monday. Sure, some people have it better, but some people also have it much much worse.

And at least I get to go for a nice walk on my lunch break.

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerd!

This weekend brings me back to a time before time; when I, once young and carefree, would go to conventions dressed as cartoon characters and sell DVDs to my fellow fans with whoever I was dating at the time. It was a good time and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I haven't been to a convention since graduating, and I've missed the camaraderie that comes from being in a group full of my fellow fans, so this trip to Otakon will be fun. I'm going there specifically to pass around flyers and handbills for Metal Quest II, so here's hoping it winds up being successful! I had a hard time finding a venue since Baltimore venues currently SUCK TOTAL ASS when it comes to actually speaking to people. Oh well. The Sidebar is a cool place and I imagine we're going to pack it tight. 

I'm pretty excited about this show, because I get to, once again, host one of my favorite bands; Dethlehem. These guys are everything I ever wanted in a D&D themed band, and much more. I hope I see people moshing in the Sidebar with their foam swords in full costume, because there's nothing sweeter then a floor full of weirdos like me. I'm trying to figure out what to do, costume-wise, because I don't want me and the guys to FAIL yet again and not have a band costume. I HATE THAT. IT'S WRONG. We should all have costumes, damn it! So I'll figure something out, and God willing, we'll all look ridiculous and it will be great.

Oh the pain, the pain of it all!

I'm starting to wonder if I'm one of those "chronic pain" sufferers. It's true that I live with pain just about every day, but it's not mind-numbing. Not every day, anyway.

Now, after looking at this chart, I've got NO FREAKING IDEA which one I am. I've been told by my doctor that I have weak neck muscles because I sit in a desk all day and getting up and moving might help fix that. Well, I do that. I get up and walk every few minutes, and then of course I work out during the day. I'm fairly certain that my chronic pain is a result of being in THREE CAR ACCIDENTS where I was rear-ended. The pain always goes from my neck, to my shoulders, and sometimes eventually down my arms. I get headaches. It sucks. So what does my doctor give me?

Valium! I haven't had Valium since my last car accident in 2011, when my beloved Celica was destroyed. They gave it to me at the hospital and gave me a prescription for a few more, which I'd take at night if I was in a ton of pain. I recall waking up one morning, feeling like I couldn't move, and taking a Valium before work. Boy was THAT a bad idea! I walked around in a daze for a few hours. Good thing I don't drive to work!! But after that incident, I didn't have any left. Well I have a few now, and two nights ago I was in a ton of pain again. I took the Valium and felt absolutely nothing. What gives? Have my years of vodka killed my Valium receptors? I dunno, maybe it was just because I took it after I ate. I'll give it another try when it hurts too bad (and I'm safely at home with nowhere to go), but this pain in my neck is a real pain in my ass.

First off, I can't work out when it hurts too bad. Doctor's orders. Which SUCKS because when I don't work out, I feel lazy and yes, fat. I hate that feeling. I work my ass off in the gym not to feel that feeling, and when I'm in pain I just wanna lie on the couch and eat pizza and drink champagne out of a coffee mug and watch Andrew Zimmern eat weird shit. I need a personal chef who will cook me healthy food when I'm in pain so I'm not tempted to order junk food because let me tell you, when you can't think, a deal from Pizza Hutt is mighty tempting.

So what is there to do when one is faced with chronic pain? I have no idea. I'm poppin' Advils three times a day just to get it under control (again, doctor's orders) and I still just want to have my own personal masseuse (preferably a handsome male one.. with long hair) rub my neck and shoulders 24/7. And cook for me. And clean for me. Man, the Drow really have the right idea.

Muscle loss!?

ARGHHHH MUSCLE LOSS!? Yeah, it happened. It happened because I was busy running like a jackass instead of lifting like I should be doing. Well, it's been almost a month since I did that whole "let me run 5k every day!" bullshit, and I'm already done with it. Don't get me wrong, running is great for the heart and the stamina and junk but I've only got about 45 minutes worth of gym time and if I'm spending half of that running, I don't have enough time to lift.

So I went back to lifting and maaaaaaaaaan could I feel it! I worked a bit harder than usual out of pure guilt. My poor muscles were so weak after a few weeks of not lifting so I'm pretty confident that tomorrow is going to hurt like hell, BUT, I feel way better than I did when I was just running. Oh well. I'd like to keep running twice a week, just to keep up with my stamina, so maybe I can squeeze it into my routine. I just don't want to lose muscle again. It's weird when you start feeling flabby after just a few weeks!

I must be delicious!

It's been a few weeks since I started the 5k-a-day challenge. I've kept up with it, mostly, by running a 5k every time I go to the gym. There are days when I can't do it (my mom comes to have lunch with me), and I wind up not going, but I still run so even if I miss two days out of the week, I'm clocking in a good 9+ miles. All that being said, I've lost absolutely no weight. Why? Probably due to the 4th of July and all the other excuses I make for eating something stupid during the week. I'm not one of those people who can say "I run 15 miles a week so I can eat what I want!", because while I may run 15 miles a week, it sure doesn't look like I do, even if I'm in better shape now than I've ever been in my entire life.

But that's what sucks about having my body-type. I don't look like I can run for a long time or spend hours in the sun doing strenuous work, but I can. Yesterday I spent the entire day outside, filming a music video in the sun. I wore heavy boots and jeans and I felt absolutely miserable with how I looked. I know I'm heavier than I was last year, but was I in good shape last year? No, which is what makes it all so frustrating. I was just fine running from zombies in the heat, but my mind was focused on how I looked. It's distracting and annoying. I'm proud of myself and ashamed at the same time.

So, here's to me making yet another attempt to eat clean for a few weeks in the hopes that it will help me lose the extra weight I've put on. It's not like I eat a lot, but those tiny allowances I've made for myself this past year have clearly caught up with me and I can't forget that the whole reason I've made the decision to not live my life as a fat-ass is because of the people who matter the most to me.

My band.

Also, my husband, though he'd love me no matter what.

Go ahead, there's plenty to go around!

Have you tried that crazy wrap thing?

No.

And let me tell you why!

First, a disclaimer.

I have a few friends who are selling wraps. Some of them have suggested that I buy one. I'm not against people selling things (I'm a musician... lol), and I'll happily buy lotions and make-up and stuff like that from people. The only thing I absolutely refuse to buy is a wrap product, and it has nothing to do with my friends or that they're selling it. It has everything to do with me and my own brain and how it works whenever weight loss or anything like that is concerned.

Before I go on, I'm just gonna go ahead and write this with the assumption that maybe the wraps do work. If they do, and people buy them, that's great. Nothing against you guys. But even if they do work, for someone like me who has always had issues with my looks and my weight, the idea that I can pay 75$ + for a wrap that will take off maybe an inch sounds too good to be true. Even if it does work, the product is meant to be used a few times for the effects to last or improve, which means I'm stuck paying 75$ + to wrap myself. On the website, a single "Ultimate Body Applicator" costs $99. There is also a "Loyal Customer Price" of $59, which means if you buy more they cost less. 

For someone like me, who pinches every penny to go into the band, I just can't see myself paying that much money for a product that might take off an inch temporarily and then have to keep buying it. Even if it does work, all it does is remove a little bit of flesh from me, and that's all. Will a wrap improve my stamina? No. Will a wrap improve my health? No. More importantly, will a wrap improve my mental health? Absolutely not.  Like I said, I have problems when it comes to body image and the idea of a product that will melt inches off of me in exchange for wads of cash sounds so good I know for a fact that I would become addicted. Which, of course, is what fuels the entire sale of this product. Women who want to take off a few inches.

Why is the one on the left so sad!?

Again, nothing against ladies who buy or sell these things. If you can buy or sell one without and detrimental blows to your mental health, knock yourself out. But if I'm going to be addicted to something, it's not going to be a product. I want to be addicted to working out and eating right. I want to be addicted to a healthy body image, which is something else I see in the marketing involved with these body wraps; lots and lots of body shaming.

I understand that they're trying to sell a product that promises firmer toned bellies and thighs. And that's cool. But shaming people to get your point across isn't cool. A wrap isn't going to take someone from a size 20 to a size 2. I've seen some pretty terrible ads by people trying to sell wraps and I'm not cool with this sales tactic. It reminds me of how PETA tried to shame fat people into eating vegan by calling them "whales". I've lived a lifetime of feeling ashamed of my looks just to have people continue to shame us so they can sell us a beauty product. I don't mind as much when it's big companies run by assholes I can't talk to, but when it's friends? Or even friends of friends? That makes me sad. Not mad, sad.

And then there's all the "science" they say is behind these wraps. Come on. Really? You're putting down people who diet and exercise so you can sell a body wrap? I'm sorry, but there's no way to "cleanse" your body without eating a diet full of nutritionally rich food. Like vegetables. Do you want to "cleanse" yourself? EAT VEGETABLES AND DRINK WATER. And no, vegetable juice mixed with fruit juice doesn't count. In fact, drinking fruit juice might make you gain weight because of all the concentrated sugar! EAT. YOUR. VEGETABLES. I won't guarantee you'll look like Heidi Klum, but I will guarantee that you will feel better and live longer. A wrap can't promise that.

"Keeps the body naturally lean", because you're naturally supposed to wrap your body in plastic wrap.

So please, if you're selling wraps, I appreciate your business but I can't buy one. I have cellulite and yes, I hate it, but I can't afford to buy wraps. What I can do is continue to work out, because at least that way I'll be able to run longer and have better lung capacity. Maybe I'll never be able to wear shorts, but at least I'll be saving my money for things that will make me feel good about myself.

However, if you're selling some really good lotions, sign me up.