Bad Memories

Looks like I lost a pound, this morning. Not a bad start! I haven't been dieting for very long, so, that one pound was a tiny victory. Only nineteen more to go!

One fabulous thing about the Atkins diet that I've always told people over the years (despite their disapproving glances), is that when I eat this way, I don't feel hungry. And it's TRUE. The only times I feel hungry are when I haven't packed myself any food, which I admit, I do sometimes. At those times, I am tempted to cheat, because the alternatives are cheaper than my expensive healthy eating. When those times happen, I try to remind myself of bad times. Times when I felt bad about my weight, so that I might keep myself on track.

When I was in college, I wrote a big "F" on my hand. Wonder what that stood for! I used it as a reminder not to eat badly. When Willy found out that I did this, he was furious. I can understand his anger, but, imagine how I felt? I was a fat girl dating a cute thin guy. I was always the fat girl dating the cute thin guy, and for once in my life, I wanted to be the normal girl dating the cute thin guy!! And I was becoming my definition of "normal", but certain things plagued me. Like going swimming.

To this day, I put up a huge fight when Willy wants to use the pool at his house. I am miserable being around his thin family, where everyone can judge me as the ugly fat girl. I remember when I lost 40lbs a few years back, and was so proud of myself that I bought my first bikini. I think I was about 140lbs. I got into the water, and over heard some kid, maybe about 10 years old, say: "I've never seen a fat Mexican, before."

I was angry. First, I was angry at the kid for calling me a Mexican. I am not a Mexican, you little turd! But honestly, I was angrier at myself for having the idiocy to think that I could get away with wearing a bikini. How dare I think that way? And yet today, I consider my own thinking to be stupid. Why shouldn't I be comfortable in a bikini? I'm 124lbs, a weight that many would consider "thin", and the stupid BMI charts as "normal", but the idea of other people seeing my cellulite is humiliating. Yes, I know that plenty of other people have cellulite, but I was never one of those happy teenage girls on the beach. I never got to take off my shirt and shorts and prance on the sand. I never even wore shorts!! I still don't wear shorts. I haven't worn a pair of shorts since I was 13.

Boy does it suck to say that. I haven't worn shorts in 12 years.

But that's why I want to lost this remaining fat. My arms are a little chubby, but it's not them I worry about. People give me shit about losing weight because they've never seen my thighs. I would never let them! They're so full of fat that it actually.. I don't know... hangs? Jiggles? It's gross. It's disgusting. And it's what fuels me toward being 105lbs, so, if remembering horror stories about being fat will keep me on track, then damn it, that is what I am going to do.

And with that, I bring you a link to The Crazy Woman Inside Me's report on fat chicks in bathroom stalls. Because I do remember what it's like to be the fattest chick in the john.