Memories of fat

Okay, so here's something that I think a lot of people who have lost weight must go through.. do you ever get this alien feeling somewhere on your body? Like something is strange and not right? Like something is maybe missing?

I get this a lot, nowadays. As I've said before, I'm not one of those people who used to be skinny. I have never been skinny. I have grown up fat, with rolls, and pudge, and cellulite. In fact, I can't remember not being ashamed of my body, but I think it started somewhere around the 3rd grade when another girl at the pool told me that I looked pregnant.

Yeah, that was awkward.

Anyway, it feels strange now not to have a gut. Don't get my wrong, my stomach is not flat or anything, and when I sit down I still have very grabbable pudge. But I remember sitting down and seeing them extend against my thighs. I remember being able to grab them and move them around (isn't this hot?) and I remember having three of them. Nowadays, when I stand, I still have a tummy, but, it doesn't extend farther than maybe half an inch. It's a little curve. It's not a freaking beer gut, which I got not from drinking beer, but probably soda. I remember sucking it in AT ALL TIMES. You know what I'm talking about... most of the people who grow up fat have strong abs because we keep them tight ALWAYS. I've noticed that women who grow up skinny and then gain weight later walk around with their bellies out, which makes me scream in my head: "Why doesn't she just suck it in??" I guess it's different for them. If I were to walk around without sucking it in, I'd be close to flat, but not enough for me to do it. In fact, the idea gives me anxiety.

But one of the things that I look forward to the most in losing this weight is the day when I will be able to walk around WITHOUT having to suck it in. When I can finally... relax. To give you a clue as to what I mean, I have not "relaxed" in public since.. um... I guess the 3rd grade. I don't remember what it's like to relax in public. I don't know how it feels to just sit down and not have to worry about an escaping lump of pooge waiting to escape my tireless effort to keep my abs tight, and I have no idea how it feels not to constantly hold it in. And swimsuits!? Don't even think about it. I hate them. I hate myself in them. I go to the ends of the world to escape the eyes of people I know so that when I DO wear one, they won't see me in it. I am so ashamed of my thighs that I wear one of those little skirts on my swimsuit. Do I feel like I'm in my 60's when I do this? Yes. But damned if I am ready for the world to see my horrible cellulite again. And stretch marks. Which I've had since middle school.

My memories of being fat are often combined with my current fat. It sucks to remember that I used to be bigger, and have a mini celebration, while constantly reminding myself that it's not enough and I still have a ways to go. But right now, it kinda feels weird not having the gut which followed me around for years and years and years. Weird, but I like it.

Today's weigh in (according to the WiiFit) has me at 121.9. So... I am getting there. I think.