Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Anonymous
I've gotten past the idea of being an anonymous blogger. I doubt many people read this, but those who do know exactly who I am. I've read pro ana blogs where they have to be anonymous because they're worried someone will find out who they are and put them in a hospital for their eating disorder. I'm not that bad with mine, so I don't have that fear. If there's others out there who go through things similar to me, I want them to know they're not alone. I'm not just some imaginary person on the internet, I'm out there working every day and playing my music. I'm not going to go away because I'm not going to let this disorder get the better of me. I refuse to let it own me, like some ana girls really really want. It's painful to live this way, but in my case, it's not fatal and it won't become fatal. So I'm not going to hide this blog, or my face.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Spain and Christmas
Around this time of year, I start remembering my grandmother. She died when I was in college, and I never really knew her, but her loss impacted me more than I ever imagined. Suddenly, we didn't get any fantastic Christmas packages from Spain. My uncle sends a few things, but not like my grandmother did. She'd pack us turron (almond candy), chesnuts, wine (from our vineyard), chocolate, olives, and there would be so much of it it would last us several months. I remember not really liking the turron, but now, as I've grown older, I suddenly have cravings for it. Maybe it's because I haven't had it in several years.
My grandmother died around Christmas time. In Spain, we celebrate the Epiphany, which is in January. I went to Spain during this time to see her in the hospital. It sucked having the entire country be happy while my family was going through the worst possible thing we could ever imagine. My mom never really got allong with her mom, but she took care of her more than anyone else. The first thing my mom did after coming to America was spend her hard-earned money to buy my grandparents new furniture. They being pretty well off as land owners, it was no big deal, but to my mom it was everything. Anyhow, my mom stuck by my grandmother until after the Epiphany. My grandmother had an annurism so they thought she might pull through. About a week after my mom returned home, she flew back to Spain. Made (pronounced mah-day), had another one, and she wouldn't recover. They pulled the plug, and she died a day after my mom got there.
Like I said, I never really knew my grandmother, but I realize now how much her loss impacted my family. My dad, being an indian and somewhat of a rarity in my mom's tiny town, was deeply saddened by the lady who never once showed any sort of racism towards him that the rest of Europe did. My mom, while she had complained about neglect as a kid, fell into a depression that only recently has begun to lift. My uncles became even bigger assholes, fighting over their inheritance, and one of them even threatened my mother with leaving my grandfather to his own devices if she didn't sign over her own inheritance. I never asked her if she did this or not, since he's the brother who lives with my grandfather, and takes care of him, and my mom can't do that. I hope she didn't, but I'd understand if she did.
To me, I remember a few things about my grandmother, nameley the time I was offended when she called me "morena" (dark skin and hair), because I was too dumb and young to realize it was no big deal. Then, during my high school goth phase, when I was putting on black lipstick, and she made a scared face after seeing me. I laughed, but I felt awkward at the time. We didn't speak eachothers language, but she communicated with me enough that I knew she loved me.
I've had this overwhelming need to go to Spain, for the past few months. Getting ready to marry Noj has made me realize how much I miss my own second home. His whole family is here, mine isn't. More than anything, I miss the atmosphere. The heat during the summer, the view of the mountains, the endless stars at night, the smell of chickens and rabbits in the back yard. I miss the cooking, because holy shit, my family can cook. My mom is an aweful cook, but for some reason when she is in Spain, she seems to communicate with my grandmother's spirit and manages to cook the most amazing food imaginable. You can't get that kind of stuff in the US, not even imported, because it doesn't grow here and it tastes shitty if it's not fresh. My eating disorder makes it impossible for me to enjoy any of these memories, because they're coupled with guilt. In my family, food is life, food is love. To me, food is torture. So love and life go hand in hand with torture, making my memories of Spain worse than they should be.
I miss it so much. I'd give anything to take Noj there, to show him where I come from, and why I love it so much. I have a feeling through, that I won't be able to for another few years. That much is about as depressing as my weight.
My grandmother died around Christmas time. In Spain, we celebrate the Epiphany, which is in January. I went to Spain during this time to see her in the hospital. It sucked having the entire country be happy while my family was going through the worst possible thing we could ever imagine. My mom never really got allong with her mom, but she took care of her more than anyone else. The first thing my mom did after coming to America was spend her hard-earned money to buy my grandparents new furniture. They being pretty well off as land owners, it was no big deal, but to my mom it was everything. Anyhow, my mom stuck by my grandmother until after the Epiphany. My grandmother had an annurism so they thought she might pull through. About a week after my mom returned home, she flew back to Spain. Made (pronounced mah-day), had another one, and she wouldn't recover. They pulled the plug, and she died a day after my mom got there.
Like I said, I never really knew my grandmother, but I realize now how much her loss impacted my family. My dad, being an indian and somewhat of a rarity in my mom's tiny town, was deeply saddened by the lady who never once showed any sort of racism towards him that the rest of Europe did. My mom, while she had complained about neglect as a kid, fell into a depression that only recently has begun to lift. My uncles became even bigger assholes, fighting over their inheritance, and one of them even threatened my mother with leaving my grandfather to his own devices if she didn't sign over her own inheritance. I never asked her if she did this or not, since he's the brother who lives with my grandfather, and takes care of him, and my mom can't do that. I hope she didn't, but I'd understand if she did.
To me, I remember a few things about my grandmother, nameley the time I was offended when she called me "morena" (dark skin and hair), because I was too dumb and young to realize it was no big deal. Then, during my high school goth phase, when I was putting on black lipstick, and she made a scared face after seeing me. I laughed, but I felt awkward at the time. We didn't speak eachothers language, but she communicated with me enough that I knew she loved me.
I've had this overwhelming need to go to Spain, for the past few months. Getting ready to marry Noj has made me realize how much I miss my own second home. His whole family is here, mine isn't. More than anything, I miss the atmosphere. The heat during the summer, the view of the mountains, the endless stars at night, the smell of chickens and rabbits in the back yard. I miss the cooking, because holy shit, my family can cook. My mom is an aweful cook, but for some reason when she is in Spain, she seems to communicate with my grandmother's spirit and manages to cook the most amazing food imaginable. You can't get that kind of stuff in the US, not even imported, because it doesn't grow here and it tastes shitty if it's not fresh. My eating disorder makes it impossible for me to enjoy any of these memories, because they're coupled with guilt. In my family, food is life, food is love. To me, food is torture. So love and life go hand in hand with torture, making my memories of Spain worse than they should be.
I miss it so much. I'd give anything to take Noj there, to show him where I come from, and why I love it so much. I have a feeling through, that I won't be able to for another few years. That much is about as depressing as my weight.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Body Dysmorphia
Sometimes when I feel depressed, I count my blessings. This becomes harder and harder as I not only save up for a wedding while working on moving to another apartment, and I work on ridding myself of an eating disorder. The eating disorder is harder to deal with, since it's coupled with paranoia. Oftentimes, I think the world is against me, and that people only compliment me because they don't know any better, or they're just trying to be nice. I often feel like everyone is lying to me. I even feel that way about my fiance, even though I know it isn't true. The problem is that when you have body dymorphic disorder, you constantly think about your appearence, and you constantly think it is different from the way it very well may be.
At the moment, I am a "normal" weight. However, I will never see that. I will always see myself as extremely overweight and unattractive, which is why I've been so depressed lately. Money issues have forced my fiance and I to eat rather cheaply, which in turn makes me depressed. I've gained maybe five pounds, having to eat this way. My fiance disagrees, but I can feel it. And I'm so upset about it that it makes me sick of doing just about everything. I don't want to go out or talk to people, like I usually would. It's very crippling. The worst part is that sometimes, I don't know if I'm right or not. I don't know if I'm actually hungry, or if I'm just depressed. If I'm full, or just denying myself food. If I've gained weight, or if I just feel as if I have.
One thing is certain, I can't wait until I finally get my first paycheck from this job. I've had to wait a month before I get my first one, which forces me to depend on my fiance until then. I hate that feeling, but I am grateful that he is there for me. In the meantime, I have to suck it up and eat what we have. Even if it makes me sick.
At the moment, I am a "normal" weight. However, I will never see that. I will always see myself as extremely overweight and unattractive, which is why I've been so depressed lately. Money issues have forced my fiance and I to eat rather cheaply, which in turn makes me depressed. I've gained maybe five pounds, having to eat this way. My fiance disagrees, but I can feel it. And I'm so upset about it that it makes me sick of doing just about everything. I don't want to go out or talk to people, like I usually would. It's very crippling. The worst part is that sometimes, I don't know if I'm right or not. I don't know if I'm actually hungry, or if I'm just depressed. If I'm full, or just denying myself food. If I've gained weight, or if I just feel as if I have.
One thing is certain, I can't wait until I finally get my first paycheck from this job. I've had to wait a month before I get my first one, which forces me to depend on my fiance until then. I hate that feeling, but I am grateful that he is there for me. In the meantime, I have to suck it up and eat what we have. Even if it makes me sick.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
A change in plans...
For the past five months, I've been planning a wedding. My dream was to get married at St. Matthew's Cathedral, and to have a nice reception at a hotel closeby. On Sunday, Willy and I came to a conclusion that would ultimately result in the wedding of my dreams. I was happy for all of 24 hours.
Yesterday, my dreams came crashing down when I was notified that my roommates were suddenly moving out. Apparently, her company is moving to Maryland, and she needs the job so she will follow them. She and her boyfriend (who has lived with us for over a year, for free) will probably move to his mom's house or some such deal. This all came conveniently as the month ended, when they promised they would have a car. They have been carless for over a year, requiring Willy and myself to drive them every morning around 6 AM, and for Willy to spend late hours at work waiting to pick them up.
So all of a sudden, they're moving out. This means that unless we can find a roommate to take their place, we'll have to move to a smaller apartment. Breaking the lease and putting a deposit on another apartment means $400 extra from us, plus, more money towards rent. We'll be able to afford a studio apartment, but we won't be getting cable, and I'm going to try braving the cold by wearing more layers so we don't use too much heat. All of this while I'm trying to plan our wedding.
Last night I decided that I might as well change our plans. Instead of the big wedding of my dreams, I'm going to ask Father Joe if we can get married at his church instead, Holy Family. It's an adorable little church in Maryland, and it has a reception hall. Probably out 100 guests will fill the place out completely. Well, that's honestly not so bad. We visited Father Joe in August, and it was absolutely beautiful there. Since our wedding is in July, I'm hoping that it will be a pretty day, with bright sunshine and no clouds. I'm hoping.
Yesterday, my dreams came crashing down when I was notified that my roommates were suddenly moving out. Apparently, her company is moving to Maryland, and she needs the job so she will follow them. She and her boyfriend (who has lived with us for over a year, for free) will probably move to his mom's house or some such deal. This all came conveniently as the month ended, when they promised they would have a car. They have been carless for over a year, requiring Willy and myself to drive them every morning around 6 AM, and for Willy to spend late hours at work waiting to pick them up.
So all of a sudden, they're moving out. This means that unless we can find a roommate to take their place, we'll have to move to a smaller apartment. Breaking the lease and putting a deposit on another apartment means $400 extra from us, plus, more money towards rent. We'll be able to afford a studio apartment, but we won't be getting cable, and I'm going to try braving the cold by wearing more layers so we don't use too much heat. All of this while I'm trying to plan our wedding.
Last night I decided that I might as well change our plans. Instead of the big wedding of my dreams, I'm going to ask Father Joe if we can get married at his church instead, Holy Family. It's an adorable little church in Maryland, and it has a reception hall. Probably out 100 guests will fill the place out completely. Well, that's honestly not so bad. We visited Father Joe in August, and it was absolutely beautiful there. Since our wedding is in July, I'm hoping that it will be a pretty day, with bright sunshine and no clouds. I'm hoping.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Bad tidings and then possibly good ones
So last Friday, I was let go from my job. Their reasons made absolutely no sense, especially considering how well I had been doing for the past month. I understand what happened, however. I've got chronic illness and for a job that requires me to be peppy and happy and energetic every single day, being sick makes me incapacitated. I missed one of my classes due to this. However, I think that my constant sickness was considered a liability, so they decided to let me go for reasons that sounded like they were being made up on the fly. For example, my "casual dress". And showing up for work late. Saying this to someone who has never been late to start a class, and who went out of her way to purchase a brand new work-wardrobe, is quite insulting.
But there's no need to get angry. The fact is, I've got a second interview tomorrow where I've been asked to bring in a CD of my latest work, as well as my portfolio. The lady I'm in contact with seems very interested in bringing me on, and finally, it is for the type of job I've always wanted. An art and animation job. I'd finally be an artist! Now, my first job was technically as an artist... but this is a better one!! I'm very excited about tomorrow, and I'll be sure to wake up extra early, and try to get in a morning run before heading out to meet them at 10AM.
This week I began my diet anew, because I've been heavily depressed for the past several months and was just eating whatever was convenient. Luckily I haven't gained any weight, but, I know I will if I continue down this road. Also, unhealthy food choices aren't going to help my future spouse, so I put us both on a diet. It's not a horrible diet, I promise. I'm not torturing the poor man (although he disagrees), but I am making every single one of our meals myself, regardless of how much this takes out of my day. It's a small price to pay for a thinner waist and peace of mind, and lemme tell you, peace of mind is hard to come by sometimes.
Studio recording is going very well, and I'm proud to announce that our EP should be done by January. WHEW. It has taken forever, but given our busy schedules, that's just how it is. I tend to finish one song per session, so I've done two out of the four songs we've recorded. I'm really excited about the product, it's seriously going to be beautiful.
Still doing lots of wedding planning, including finding a suitable reception venue. It's not as easy as it sounds when you're on a budget like ours, but, I have faith.
But there's no need to get angry. The fact is, I've got a second interview tomorrow where I've been asked to bring in a CD of my latest work, as well as my portfolio. The lady I'm in contact with seems very interested in bringing me on, and finally, it is for the type of job I've always wanted. An art and animation job. I'd finally be an artist! Now, my first job was technically as an artist... but this is a better one!! I'm very excited about tomorrow, and I'll be sure to wake up extra early, and try to get in a morning run before heading out to meet them at 10AM.
This week I began my diet anew, because I've been heavily depressed for the past several months and was just eating whatever was convenient. Luckily I haven't gained any weight, but, I know I will if I continue down this road. Also, unhealthy food choices aren't going to help my future spouse, so I put us both on a diet. It's not a horrible diet, I promise. I'm not torturing the poor man (although he disagrees), but I am making every single one of our meals myself, regardless of how much this takes out of my day. It's a small price to pay for a thinner waist and peace of mind, and lemme tell you, peace of mind is hard to come by sometimes.
Studio recording is going very well, and I'm proud to announce that our EP should be done by January. WHEW. It has taken forever, but given our busy schedules, that's just how it is. I tend to finish one song per session, so I've done two out of the four songs we've recorded. I'm really excited about the product, it's seriously going to be beautiful.
Still doing lots of wedding planning, including finding a suitable reception venue. It's not as easy as it sounds when you're on a budget like ours, but, I have faith.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Sorry..
I've been so lazy about blogging, lately. What with the economy crash, the election, the work force, and everyone is just INSANE about what is going on with our government, I've been having a hell of a time keeping up with the news.
What has been going on with me? Well, Blood Corps opened up for Edguy and Kamelot last week, which was the most beautiful performance we've ever had. I was so proud to be a member of my band, so proud to perform with my guys, so proud to be a musician. Our EP should be finished by December, but we had a minor set-back last week when I got a major allergy attack and was just SICK. Sick as all HELL, for the entire weekend. This week I've been fine, so I'll be back in the recording studio next Saturday to pump out another song. We've got three left (only 4 songs on the EP) and I tend to be able to do one per session.
Work has ben good, I've had some insanely good classes, but it's hard to keep up my energy all day. So I've resorted to using lots and lots of caffeine, which is probably bad for me, but at this point I don't care. I like my high scores, and I intend on keeping them. This weekend, for the first time in like.. months? I've got a free weekend. Completely free. It's... almost frightening. On Saturday, Willy is taking me to see Saw V, which is a tradition we've had since we first started dating.
A new Saw movie for every year we've been together. I hope they never stop making them.
What has been going on with me? Well, Blood Corps opened up for Edguy and Kamelot last week, which was the most beautiful performance we've ever had. I was so proud to be a member of my band, so proud to perform with my guys, so proud to be a musician. Our EP should be finished by December, but we had a minor set-back last week when I got a major allergy attack and was just SICK. Sick as all HELL, for the entire weekend. This week I've been fine, so I'll be back in the recording studio next Saturday to pump out another song. We've got three left (only 4 songs on the EP) and I tend to be able to do one per session.
Work has ben good, I've had some insanely good classes, but it's hard to keep up my energy all day. So I've resorted to using lots and lots of caffeine, which is probably bad for me, but at this point I don't care. I like my high scores, and I intend on keeping them. This weekend, for the first time in like.. months? I've got a free weekend. Completely free. It's... almost frightening. On Saturday, Willy is taking me to see Saw V, which is a tradition we've had since we first started dating.
A new Saw movie for every year we've been together. I hope they never stop making them.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Looks > Talent
Okay, so someone posted this on one of the forums that I frequent:
BEIJING — One little girl had the looks. The other had the voice.
So in a last-minute move demanded by one of China's highest officials, the two were put together for the Olympic opening ceremony, with one lip-synching "Ode to the Motherland" over the other's singing.
Apparently, some idiots decided that the girl with the talent wasn't cute enough to actually have her singing seen. So they hired another kid to lip sync it for her. How fucking lame is that? I am appaled. I can remember going through shit like this when I was in elementary school, when I was accepted into all of the honors choirs, got all of the solos and started working professionally as a singer as a child... and still was tormented by my peers for being the fat kid.
Gimme a goshdamn break, people. We should be past this already. China is not going to look bad because the kid singing has a few crooked baby teeth. China is going to look bad when you replace her, shoot your own citizens, and run your country with a ragime that you refuse to admit hurts more than it helps.
Seriously, fuck you China.
Full story here:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2008-08-12-1810460787_x.htm
BEIJING — One little girl had the looks. The other had the voice.
So in a last-minute move demanded by one of China's highest officials, the two were put together for the Olympic opening ceremony, with one lip-synching "Ode to the Motherland" over the other's singing.
Apparently, some idiots decided that the girl with the talent wasn't cute enough to actually have her singing seen. So they hired another kid to lip sync it for her. How fucking lame is that? I am appaled. I can remember going through shit like this when I was in elementary school, when I was accepted into all of the honors choirs, got all of the solos and started working professionally as a singer as a child... and still was tormented by my peers for being the fat kid.
Gimme a goshdamn break, people. We should be past this already. China is not going to look bad because the kid singing has a few crooked baby teeth. China is going to look bad when you replace her, shoot your own citizens, and run your country with a ragime that you refuse to admit hurts more than it helps.
Seriously, fuck you China.
Full story here:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2008-08-12-1810460787_x.htm
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