Damn you, schedule!

Don't be fooled by my lack of a Friday post. I ran. It sucked, and I hated it. Today (which is Monday, June 17th 2013), I also ran. It sucked, and I hated it. But to be honest, I didn't feel like a complete wreck, afterwards. That feels good. It's not a huge accomplishment, but I'd like to get to the point where I can run a 5k without feeling awful during AND after. I feel like my endurance is getting better, but I still don't feel very fit. It's weird and annoying.

Look at this chick.

So on the one hand, I've been lifting weights for the past few months without seeing much in the way of physical changes. At least not in my opinion. I'm still a bit heavier than I'd like to be. Not by a huge amount, mind you, but enough that I'm annoyed. So I went back to running because when I was running just 1-2 times a week, I felt like I was in the best shape. My weight was lower, my shape was better, overall I was happier. So now I'm running again, and I feel guilty because I'm not taking as much time to lift weights. One side of my brain says that a ton of cardio doesn't help burn fat as well as building muscle does, the other side of my brain is reminding me that running is better for my stage performance and lung capacity.

I don't even know. I'm just annoyed with myself. Technically, I'm in the best shape of my life, and I still don't feel good about it. I see other women who run as much as I do, and they're all skinny, and I'm not. And it's annoying. Like, WTF do I have to do? It's not like I eat a lot, or I eat poorly. I get more vegetables than anyone I know and I don't eat sugar or refined carbs regularly. Is it my nightly martinis? Must I cut out -everything- just to get back to 120lbs? I'm eating the same way I was back then, and I still can't figure out what's wrong.

MAYBE THAT'S THE ANSWER. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG. Maybe I'm in good shape and the vanity pounds I care so much about won't go anywhere because that's just how I'm built. This is the best explanation I can come up with and MAN does it piss me off.

5 days - 25k (Days 3 & 4)

 Whoops! Didn't update, yesterday. In case you were wondering, I totally did day #3, and it sucked. Lets talk about that.

The thing about running is that it takes a lot of energy. I've got like, zero energy in the afternoon, because it's been 6 hours since my last meal and running AFTER I eat is disgusting. I always feel like I'm gonna vomit. So I run before I eat and I'm tired. And sore, from the day before. During day 3, I was able to get a WiFi signal so I watched a few episodes of Metalocalypse. I love watching TV when I run because it's a good distraction away from the utter exhaustion I feel. Not giving myself a day to recover in between these 5ks is brutal. The muscles in the front of my thighs are sore and no stretching in the world is enough to un-sore them. My arms were exhausted after yesterday's run and it was hard to lift them enough to wash my hair, and I didn't even work my upper body, this is all from running.

Today was day 4, and it was probably the hardest run yet. I ate around 6:30 this morning then drank a protein shake (low carb) around 12 before running around 12:30. I was so ragged. It was hard not to give myself breaks between each 1/2 mile, but I  managed to push through. With a crappy WiFi connection, I couldn't watch TV so I listened to my work out mix instead. There's a lot of Hammerfall in that mix, lemme tell ya. Sometimes it's inspiring, but today it wasn't doing it for me. To tell you the truth, nothing really did it for me today. I was tired, and hungry, and miserable, but I did it so I could say I did it and it suuuuucked but I did it.

I'm only hoping that tomorrow won't suck as much as I'm dreading it will. I hate running outside, but because I have a show tomorrow in Raleigh (at The Maywood!), I tool the day off. So I'll be at home and I'll be able to get up, eat, rest a bit, then run a bit sooner after a meal which will hopefully give me more energy. We'll see. Either way, I'll do it so I can finish this 25k, and hopefully not drop dead.

5 Days - 25K (Day 2)

DAY 2! My thighs are KILLING me... specifically, the muscles at the front. Very sore, hard to walk after today's 5k. I didn't have much energy and kind of had to force my way through the pain. I had a late start to my lunch and didn't start running until about 12:45, and I was dumb so I skipped breakfast. No breakfast, no lunch, running basically on water and a single cup of coffee, no fun. But I did it, because I knew I had to, and man-oh-man did I sweat. I was listening to King Diamond's "Voodoo", which was more or less inspiring. More, because it's great music, less, because it's a new album (for me) and I don't know most of the music so I was trying to pay attention while kicking my ass on that treadmill. It was an OKAY workout, but I didn't have time to lift weights so that's disappointing. I hope I'll get time, tomorrow. I don't like doing just cardio, but it's better than nothing.

5 Days - 25K

Well, this weekend kicked all kinds of ass. Our album release show for Time's Arrow was absolutely successful. We sold a ton of merch, made some new fans, and got to play a whole new set! I even got to do a costume change! I can't complain about my performance, either. I did a lot of prepping to make sure that I didn't talk for the entire day, just because I wanted to make sure I could hit every high note repeatedly and growl in the spots I wanted to growl. I did my make-up different, added a few hair extensions, and wore my brand new show goggles. They were crafted by a dude on Etsy. Here is his shop! (The Real Broken Brains) It was great!

My one regret is an old one; ugh, I hate the way I look right now. Not that I can complain that I'm out of shape or anything, as I work out at least 4 days a week and don't eat badly. That being said, I'm thinking that maybe the elliptical isn't doing it for me. It always felt weird to use and never gave me that feeling of accomplishment that I do when I run. A year ago, at our last album release show, I was running a 5k maybe.... twice a week. But I felt and looked thinner than I do now, so I'm gonna give that a shot again and see how I feel about it. And goodness knows I love crashing into things, so I've decided to try and run a 5k every day for the next week. Don't worry, I'll still be lifting weights too. If you'd like to join me, by all means give it a try! For beginners, just try walking the first 5k. Eventually, sprinkle some jogging in there, and before you know it, you'll be running with me! Probably faster, though. I have short legs and run a 5k in 20 minutes IF I'm lucky!

Well that's it for now. I'll be headed to Raleigh this Friday for a gig, so my Friday 5k will have to be outside. I'M SCARED. I hate running outside, but I WILL DO IT! In closing, here's why I kill myself in the gym; metal love.

I need a &%*$ing beach!!

Summer is almost upon us, and with it, the heat. Oh, the glorious wondrous heat. While some people run to their air-conditioned hovels to wait out nature's sauna, I luxuriate in the feel of my skin baking. I look forward to this time all year. No longer hidden behind layers of wool and fur, I'm finally free to wear as little as I possibly can and frolic amongst the newborn goose babies running around the metro area. Spring is ending, and with it goes the irritating downpours and wishy-washy "am I cold or warm this morning?" bullshit weather. Unfortunately, this also means that everyone is turning their air conditioning to maximum capacity and I've still got to pack a sweater if I want to be indoors.

Bethany Beach, DE

So now that it's getting warmer, I find myself drawn to the beach. I love the beach. I do not love wearing a swimsuit in front of people, being that I am not thin and probably never will be and I continue to feel like a beached whale amongst the skinny white beach-goers in their tiny revealing bikinis. Bitches. Still, I love being at the beach and wear what I feel comfortable in (which consists of, this year, the same black bikini shorts I've had for the past 10 years and a leopard print push-up top), and I'm looking forward to going. Unfortunately, for me, time is sparse. I have a busy weekend schedule. Shows and rehearsals and social obligations add up, so when I get a free weekend, I salivate at the idea of laying on a towel in the sun eating boardwalk fries while reading a sci fi novel.

This all stems from habit. My dad would wake us up before dawn to rush us out of the house and on the road so we could beat traffic on the Bay Bridge. We used to "vacation" in Ocean City, which for people of our means meant we pitched a tent at a nearby campground. That was camping for us. Camping at the beach. We'd go to the beach during the day, sleep in a tent, cook crabs over an open fire, go fishing.. that kinda thing. It was fun because I was too young to hate being poor.

Now the issue is that my extremely Irish husband burns in the shade, and I have an allergy to water that causes me to break out in hives unless I'm doped up on Benadryl. Which means I spend half of the time on the beach sleeping. Now, personally, that's fine with me. Unfortunately, it leaves my husband feeling bored and burned so now there's no way I can just escape to the beach unless I do so alone. Which sucks. I really want to go to the beach, if only for a day, because these summer days don't last very long. I've got a three month window where I can go lounge on the sand and listen to waves and seagulls, before it's taken away by fall's icy death grip. I really hate how short our summers are.

Mostly, I need an escape. I've been overworked for the past several months because the new album is fast approaching the release date. I've had to work my ass off to get things designed and laid out and we've hit a few snags on the way that nearly made the band want to murder each other. Now that it's coming to a finish, all I want to do is get a book and read on the sand. I think I deserve it after all the crap I've had to put up with, don't you?

Reocurring Nightmares

Ever since I got sick on Friday, I've had a lot of dreams. I've also had the same nightmare about three times. Maybe it's a result of taking so much NyQuil, I dunno, but I've had this particular nightmare before. In fact, I've had this nightmare since I graduated from college.

No, not this kind of Nightmare you nerds!

Now, when I say "nightmare", I don't mean monsters. I've had those before, but this is totally different. It still terrifies me and fills me with anxiety even after I wake up, to the point where I begin questioning my reality. This particular nightmare is always the same in terms of the situation. I'm always faced with the sudden realization that I have overbooked myself; I have (at least) 2 full-time jobs, I'm missing class in school, and I have no idea what my school schedule is. So I'm suddenly in this frantic panic about the fact that I'm missing school AND my jobs AND I have no way of getting to either. It's terrible. Throughout my dream, I try to navigate my way toward one of these things until eventually I wake up and feel really dumb. I graduated from college a good 7 years ago. I've only got one job (that pays), and my other job is fun. Why do I keep having the same nightmare about a conflicting work/school schedule?

I know that I miss school. I enjoyed college a lot, especially the classes I actually wanted to take. I never really experienced fear when it came to exams or finals or anything like that. So why all the fear?

I have no idea. I'd love to go back to school, but for now I can't. Is this my brain telling me I've crammed too many things into my schedule? Or I really really want to go back to school? Stupid brain.

I'm sick. -_-

This post comes to you straight from my sofa. I'm sick at home, which means I'm sad and angry. I woke up on Friday with all sorts of weekend plans. Willy has been sick all week so I've been taking care of him, waiting for my chance to do fun stuff starting Friday. Except my immune system was like LOLNOPE and have me his illness.

My throat hurt so bad last night and this morning, so I'm happy that part of it seems to be gone. Now I'm dealing with the stuffy nose. I haven't eaten much. I have no appetite! I woke up at 12, played a little Neverwinter, and went back to sleep. Woke up again around 6. I ate a bowl of soup, some hummus, water, and tea. That's it. And I'm just not hungry. I'm disappointed that I didn't get to work out yesterday, as intended. I wanted to work my arms. Laying around all day just makes me feel so lazy and I hate that feeling.

Ugh. I hate this.