Tuesday, February 26, 2013

No pain no Painkiller!!

Due to recent events (me getting off my ass and hanging in a gym waver), I've recently gotten to gumption to start working out at my office gym. This is convenient for many reasons. First off, it gives me something to do on my lunch break besides desperately try not to look like a loser who has nobody to eat lunch with. Second, it takes the pressure off trying to get a workout in AFTER work, which is when I'm moody exhausted and probably busy enjoying the 3 hours I have at home. It takes a little extra effort, seeing as how I like sweating when I work out, so I have to bring a bag full of hair care supplies. Thankfully, the gym provides us with towels, which is FANTASTIC. I get to work out, shower, and go back to work! Yay! Except on those off-days (like today), when I forget my inhaler. Not so yay.

I'm one of those die-hard runners, at the gym. No, I don't run outside. Outside is cold and stupid. I run at the gym because I've got it in my head that unless I feel absolutely destroyed and exhausted, I didn't put in a good enough workout. Running provides me with that terrible/wonderful "Why am I doing this to myself!?" feeling, complete with sweat, a red face, and sore muscles for hours after. I like running a 5k and trying to do it faster. I like lifting weights before this, because the internet has told me that lifting weights before cardio will help you to burn more calories. So I do this, within my alotted hour of lunch break time, and then I run. Except today. Because running without an inhaler would be a terrible idea. So what do I do? The elliptical.

Look at this skinny bitch and her tiny thighs..
The stupid smug elliptical. It looks ridiculous. I feel ridiculous. I've been told time and time again that it's better on the joints, works your muscle groups better, is more efficient, blah blah blah... but you know what it doesn't do? It doesn't make me feel like I'm killing myself. Where's the love? In an effort to give myself the pain I so desire after a workout, I decided to raise the resistance until it felt like my butt cheeks were moving independantly of eachother. I raised that resistance until it felt like I was pushing through hard sand, stomping through a sea of liquified dead bodies, pumping those stupid arm pedals like skis. I've never skiid, before, how the hell should I know what it's like?? All I know is that it takes place somewhere cold, so fuck that noise.. but this isn't cold. This is warm, and suddenly my arms are aching and my back hurts and I'm trudging through this thirty minute workout because I want to believe I really am burning 300 calories, whether the count is accurate or not. Anger. Rage. Acceptance. Alright, I guess the elliptical is okay, but why do I feel like such a jackass on this thing?? It truly does make me sweat more than I do when I run, but I don't feel as worn out as I would after the same amount of time on a tredmill. So what gives? Am I burning as many calories? Am I still gonna be able to run from zombies? Will I have the endurance of Bruce Dickinson and his majestic rollerblading workout routine. Will this stupid looking contraption give me the ass of steel I so rightly deserve?

Time will tell. I've added weight lifting into my routine, so here's hoping I can start building some muscle. And we all know that I have only the most realistic goals in mind.


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