Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Well here it is, Wednesday. One of my two actual days off, the second being Thursday. What really sucks about working at the place I'm at is the schedule. It's seemingly impossible for me to work a regular Mon-Fri thing, and instead they have me scheduled to work on Saturday AND Sunday. This does NOT work for me. I need to at least have Sunday so that I can practice with my other band, and you know, spend some time with my freaking husband.

Nobody seems to get this. The people in charge don't come in all weekend, because they have lives and families, and I suppose they expect me not to because I'm young. But I just got married and it would be super nice if I could see that guy every so often. This is why I miss working my 9-5. Our schedules were the same. We had our weekends. I never had to worry about whether or not I worked on a Saturday.

This weekend I went to Pennsylvania to see my parents, and holy hell was it tough to just leave early on Saturday. When we had hardly any customers and it RAINED. But I got out at one, so Willy and I made the trek up to see my mom who has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. Just like her dad. Which means that I'm at risk, too. Which sucks. I tried to help my mom out, telling her what food she should avoid, and I can only hope she'll listen to me. Atkins is a no-sugar diet, so I told her all of those rules. The doctor said she should lose weight and such too, so I figure it couldn't hurt. What hurts is that there, right in front of me, is my reason to avoid sugar and bread and all the other crap that makes me fat and could possibly make me diabetic if I don't freaking watch myself. It's a very real situation, considering that I was obese once, and I know it's not impossible for me to go back. I'm an emotional eater and sometimes I eat things because I'm depressed, which, due to this job, happens fairly often.

My boss once told me I have a lot of will-power. I'm not so sure about that. I think that what I have is a lot of fear. I'm afraid of being fat, and I'm afraid of what I will feel like if I remain as fat as I am today. Not that I'm clinically overweight, but I want to know what it's like to be thin. I want to feel that sort of freedom that those girls at the beach in their bikinis feel when they just run around having fun. I've never felt that before in my life, and I'm already 25. When is it going to be my turn?

See, there's that depression popping up again.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Annoying Asthma

My headaches have returned. We're wondering if they're being caused by my Advair, which is solely responsible for making me able to live like a normal human being again. Apparently, %21 of people who take Advair get headaches. I always get them in my forehead, in this one spot right above my right eye. And it's driving me crazy, but which is worse? Headaches, or constant asthma? I'm not talking a little wheezing every so often, I'm talking asthma attacks any time I get an allergic reaction, which happens ALL THE TIME because just about everyone in the universe but me owns a dog and the fur on their clothes makes me sick. Also, breathing things in makes me sick. Also, RAIN. I'm allergic to RAIN. I wouldn't whine so much, because I know it's not life threatening, SO LONG AS I HAVE ADVAIR. But without it, I'm pretty much married to my rescue inhaler, which has stopped working twice, and sent me to the emergency room both times.

I don't wanna suffocate, and I don't want headaches. This sucks so hard.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Oh, for the love of...

So we got a drummer to fill in last night, and he was BRILLIANT. Unfortunately, our bass player didn't show up. Why? "personal things", he texted. Oh, text messaging... when asked to specify, he continued by texting:

"Nigger, why nobody ask Nina when she doesn't show up? We all know how she sounded on that video. It's personal shit."

Okay, first off, this is a big white dude from Herndon VA. Nothing gives him the excuse to use the "n word" in life, or in a text message. Second off, I mean damn! Was I that terrible on the video?? Pardon me for not thinking that I was so horrendous that I should continue to be verbally abused for it for another week. Also pardon me for thinking that he's full of shit. My second band seems to have procured itself a bass player, which is wonderful! Now I'm thinking that my first band will need to do the same thing. Missing practice three weeks before a show with no explanation when we have a new drummer? Bad times. Calling me out on it when I have nothing to do with his absence? Even worse.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Okay, crisis over..

We have someone coming in tonight, to fill in. I'm still in some shock about the whole thing. Apparently, the drummer texted my guitarist and said he couldn't stand my voice. Like, literally said those words. I'm in shock about that, too. Nobody's ever said that about me, yanno? I know people are entitled to their opinion and all, but hot damn. Willy told me not to take it personally, and I'm trying. It's just one of those things that as a musician, I have to live with.

Diet hasn't been going well, lately. It's not that I've been eating a lot of junk, but I haven't been eating a lot of much at all. I'm basically down to one meal a day, due to my schedule, and that meal usually involves carbs. Yes, it's brown rice and "good carbs" but I don't give a damn. So long as I eat this way, I can't lose any more weight, which sucks for me because damn. I -really- want to get back on the track that I was on..

Oh well. Got to focus on my band(s). Especially for this next show, which I swear to god I will be so good in I will make people cry rivers of blood.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Looking to KILL

So sorry I wasn't around for a while, I had to work a good six days straight and the work is mentally draining. I just came home on those nights, cooked, watched TV, and went to sleep. I couldn't draw or anything. I was just mentally exhausted.

Well, I'm a little better now! Except for one tiny little problem... around 12 PM last night, my drummer sent me a text saying he's quitting. You know, four weeks before our next show. He's QUITTING. Because his enthusiasm has dropped. Oh, you poor thing!! Your enthusiasm has dropped so you're leaving the rest of us high and dry! What a dick. So now I have to scramble to find at least a fill in. I know what the guys are gonna want to do... they're gonna want to throw in the towel and cancel the show. It's gotten to the point where I want to too, but FUCK do I hate quitting gigs. I'm just so frustrated at this point. What kind of a selfish asshole would leave his band a few weeks before a show because of "lack of enthusiasm"? It makes me want to scream.

We're having a "band meeting" tonight, ugh.. I don't know what to do anymore. Fucking drummers are selfish asshole drama queens. Except the dude in the other band I'm in, he's freaking awesome. But we need some work before we'll be gig-ready. Oh, and we need a BASS PLAYER... but for now, Blood Corps is a priority because of these shitty breaks we've been getting.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The pain... the pain of it all!

Due to the intense shame that I feel for eating condensed soup from a can and other bad-for-you things while I've been sick, I'm limiting this post to photos of me! See, Brendan Wu is this bad-ass photographer who never fails to deliver some bad-ass photos at my show. So now you get to check out his awesome work! ...featuring me!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Stupid sick!!

So, sorry about no updates since the show. I am stupid sick with a cold, and admittedly ashamed of the fact that since we gotta wait until our next paycheck to buy groceries, we're living off of what's left in the house. Which means... brown rice and chicken! And... some spinach? Is that a can of baby clams!?

Anyhoo, here's my band playing at Jaxx last Friday! The sound is... weird. It seems the mics were plugged directly into the camera, so, you can hear ME, but not so much the rest of the band. XD Usually I'm REALLY hard to hear.

Watch this show and more at

Friday, September 11, 2009

Oh my gooooooooodness!!

Okay, so tonight is gonna be a big night. Tonight, my band opens for Edguy, one of my favorite metal bands of all time. If all goes well (which it hardly ever does), I'll be arriving at 5 with my roadies to park in the back with the buses. HOPEFULLY it won't rain, which means we'll get to load and unload on time. On time is such a silly thing to hope for, when doing shows. Things hardly ever start on time, due to flaky bands and buses that break down, but we'll see. The show should start at 8, with one of my favorite local metal bands, Eternal Winter. The first time I saw them, they were opening for Sonata Arctica, and I squealed every time their lead vocalist did high notes. I can't wait to see them again!!

Only issue I have with shows nowadays is deciding what I want to wear. Having such an unusual body shape, it's hard to find clothes that fit the right way. I have a short torso, a wide rib cage, wide hips, and a small waist. Oh, and a ginormous butt. As you can see from this photo, it's a little hard for me to find pants that won't completely fall apart. Pants are built for tall people, and even if I buy them in "short" (which I can rarely do...) they have these long torsos that reach my belly button!! It's pretty frustrating, because when they're fit to accommodate my giant thighs and butt, they're also fit for someone with a gut. Which I no longer have. So I've got all this leftover fabric in my waist that goes all the way up to my belly button, or worse, PAST my belly button like an old man. Which means I'll push them down to fit my hips, but now they're all baggy in the crotch and butt area and I'm screwed all over again. I'm talking about a specific pair of LEATHER PANTS here... a pair I got for a steal, which are now way too big, but gaddamn it I wanna wear them at least ONCE!! I have nothing else to wear, really. Since Willy destroyed my fishnet pantyhose (TMI? Anyone?) I can't wear a skirt. And my black bondage pants don't fit at the hips, so I can't wear those either.

Oh, the woes of a metal singer... it's not easy looking good on stage. You can tell, because I hardly every do!! But tonight I hope that I can. I'll be wearing my evil coat, with evil gloves and evil boots. And hopefully, if I wear a classy button down shirt (with the bewbies slightly exposed), I'll be able to pull off the oversized leather pants. We'll see. Either way, I'm so freaking excited about tonight!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Fun night! With 0 guilt!

Well last night was awesome. I got to meet fellow blogger, Fat Daddy, who was here in my neck of the woods on "business" (hint: he's a secret agent). It was a good time all around, and man, is it ever AWESOME to hang out with someone who understands the struggles of weight loss in a restaurant, because those are the places where I tend to lose control. It's always so easy to, when all of my friends are urging me to "eat real food".

Well it started off by me urging my husband Willy out of his office, and discovering that he has our change jar emptied and spread out on one of the tables in his office. Apparently, him and his office-mate have been using the coins to draw pictures. ANYWAY, I took him to the Metro, and we walked up to the hotel to meet FD. We were a little early, and Willy was cranky because #1 he was in DC (he hates the city passionately), and #2 he had to walk. See, my darling was born with a club foot, and he hates walking. I try to get him to do a LITTLE walking, since no exercise would only make his muscles worse, but it makes him cranky every time.

So there we are, sitting outside of the hotel, and I urged him to play "eye spy". It was hilariously morbid.

Me: I spy with my little eye, something that starts with.... H.
Willy: ...hell.

Luckily, FD showed up quickly and off we went! Willy's mood tends to shift once we meet friends, so as soon as we got talking, his mood immediately lifted. FD was great company, we chilled out and drank a little at a nice Italian place. I had one glass of wine. ONE. It was so small, I'd call it a 2/3rds glass. And I STILL got tipsy. That's when I really started talking (sorry, FD!!) about fellow bloggers, weight loss, and METAL. Eventually Willy got super hungry so we ordered food, and I was so giddy (what a nerd) when I realized that the lettuce on my salad was the same variety that I grow! How chic am I.

FD was a good date. We walked him back to his hotel and said our goodbyes, and then Willy and I walked cheerfully back to the Metro! ..well, maybe not so cheerfully. All of the walking, combined with the low pressure, had Willy in a ton of pain on his foot. Stupid weather. Well, we rode the Metro home and went right to sleep. He felt good about the whole thing, after the fact. It was a nice night out, something that we NEVER do, and we were both glad to meet someone cool that we'd never met, before.

And I was totally good, last night. That's always a plus! I just gotta remember to beware the red wine. Gets to my head EVERY TIME.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I blame you!

That's right, I blame YOU. You meaning me. I blame me for the disaster that happened this weekend, which may or may not have involved me binging. And my husband saying it was alright, because "you haven't had it in a long time!". Bull shite, darling. It doesn't work that way. I haven't spoken of this travesty, which might have happened at the aforementioned party I went to on Sunday. What sucks is that I had done SO WELL, earlier.. but then they broke out the smores and all hell broke loose. Did I mention that chocolate seems to run through my veins?

Anyhow, I didn't gain anything, but it's stalled my loss. Probably from all of the sugar coursing through my bloodstream... and now I'm trying to get off of the stuff. I'm at home, today. Which means that I am in complete control of what does and does not go in my mouth. Man, I wish my husband could hear me say that out loud. Ha!

I'll be going out this evening with the husband, into the perilous and temporarily rainy city of DC. I love my DC, we'll be getting drinks and saying hello to a friend who's in town, and thank GOD this friend is also dieting because it will destroy all temptation. I'd like to go to the gym, today, but I seem to have rendered my shoulders useless after carrying a bunch of newly delivered house plants yesterday. That counts as exercise, right?? Lifting heavy boxes of plants?? Well it had better, because I'm sure as hell sore about it now.

On the bright side, we got in new orchids! I've never seen a lady's slipper orchid, before. They're FREAKY looking. They have HAIR. One of the coolest things about working in a green house is all the neat plants I get to see. This is certainly one of the neatest, and I wish that I didn't live in this stupid studio more and more because damn would that look cool on a table! ..somewhere! In my imaginary house!

Sunday, September 6, 2009


Okay, enough bitching about not being skinny! Today I'd like to give a little congrats where it's due, to someone who will probably never read this blog.

For the past few weeks, I've been giving swimming lessons to my boss' kid. He's the cutest little thing, with blue eyes and curly hair, just like my Willy. Now, when we started, he couldn't float. He was scared to go to the deep end. Now he swims like a fish and we're working on his freestyle form! Hell yeah, it's awesome to see him able to actually swim, and I feel proud of two people; him, and me.

Why am I proud of me, you ask?

Well, not so much for the lessons. The lessons were fun and I like teaching, so that's less a matter of pride. What I'm proud of is the fact that I am able to wear my swimsuit in public. I think it's more a mind thing than a weight thing, too. I still have jiggly cottage-cheese thighs (which I cover partially with a skirted bikini bottom), but, I guess having to be in a swimsuit a few times has boosted my confidence. I don't run screaming from the pool anymore, hurray!

I have a party to go to today, and I'm a little scared. My friends throwing it aren't really weight conscious, and they're gonna have standard party food. You know.. chips, hot dogs, ect.. so I'm bringing a salad. Salad with lettuce I grew myself! Hopefully I won't be laughed at. Or nagged. This usually happens around my friends. That, and the terrible diet advice. Like, "eat a grapefruit every day and you'll lose weight!". Ugh... sometimes I hate parties.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Constant Reminders

Hooo boy... nothing reminds me that I need to lose weight more than a visit to a bar or a club! Had to go down to the place where my band usually plays ( Jaxx, for those of you who don't know ) and pick up the tickets that my band has to sell for our upcoming show with Moonspell. Well, we got there, I spoke to the dude in front, said hello to the folks I knew there, and he told me to wait a few while he asked "the big guy" to get my tickets. So I waited outside with the hubby while people filtered in and out of the club. It wasn't a very busy night, Doro was playing but I guess she's not bringing in crowds these days. And yanno that's sad, because I really like her and her music. I think she's a good representation of a chick who's bad ass, but doesn't have to slut it up for a crowd. Now, I'm facing this crossroads where I'm still working on my stage persona. Some days I think I want my hair straight, and to wear heels and lipstick.. other days I want to wear ripped jeans and big boots.. then sometimes I mix it all up with my steampunk getup.. and I dunno, yanno? Chicks in metal just don't look like me. They're all skinny. Everything they wear looks good!!

I don't have that luxury. I have HUGE hips, a wide ribcage, tiny boobs, and I'm short. S-H-O-R-T. Today I was reminded of how short I was when I saw a chick walk in with a black mini-skirt and cowboy boots, with looooong legs and such a skinny frame that her hip bones were jutting out of her sides. And holy GOD was I jealous of those hip bones. I saw my reflection in the door and saw all 121.9 lbs of myself and wanted to smack myself for those stolen spoon fulls of rice (5 in all) I
had, today. I felt so incompetent. And annoyed that I feel this way! Holy crap, I am not a whale, but compared to all these skinny bitches with their mini skirts and stomach-bearing shirts and the fact that I starve myself just to look the way I do now?? It's unbearable. Here's an example of what I look like, on stage.

I wore this outfit a few months ago, in Baltimore. Not my most dressed-up event, but it was summer-time and it was SUPER hot, so I didn't want to wear my coat or anything else that would bog me down. I look at myself in these pictures and I feel like I'm not good enough, compared to other females in metal. All of them have these personas, where they wear leather (well!) and have big boobs and they're skinny and hot.. and I'm just trying not to look fat. It's just not an even competition to me. All the while, I'm making sure I SOUND good, which really should be the priority. And don't get me wrong, people. It is. The way I sound is more important than any of this vanity, but I can't help but fear for the day when I see a nice blurb online about how my band would be great if their singer wasn't such a fat-ass.


I think that one of the biggest hurdles in losing weight is getting through weekends. The weekend is where people hang loose, have fun, and relax. Hard to do that when everyone around you is eating junk food and you're confined to salad. But Saturday is almost over and I can safely say that I've been very good; one slice of sugar free low carb bread, some low carb peanut butter, and a bowl of shrimp I cooked myself. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing for dinner, but it may involve chicken breasts.

I'm getting a little tired of cooking chicken breasts, but that's what you get when you buy a bag of them at Costco.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Memories of fat

Okay, so here's something that I think a lot of people who have lost weight must go through.. do you ever get this alien feeling somewhere on your body? Like something is strange and not right? Like something is maybe missing?

I get this a lot, nowadays. As I've said before, I'm not one of those people who used to be skinny. I have never been skinny. I have grown up fat, with rolls, and pudge, and cellulite. In fact, I can't remember not being ashamed of my body, but I think it started somewhere around the 3rd grade when another girl at the pool told me that I looked pregnant.

Yeah, that was awkward.

Anyway, it feels strange now not to have a gut. Don't get my wrong, my stomach is not flat or anything, and when I sit down I still have very grabbable pudge. But I remember sitting down and seeing them extend against my thighs. I remember being able to grab them and move them around (isn't this hot?) and I remember having three of them. Nowadays, when I stand, I still have a tummy, but, it doesn't extend farther than maybe half an inch. It's a little curve. It's not a freaking beer gut, which I got not from drinking beer, but probably soda. I remember sucking it in AT ALL TIMES. You know what I'm talking about... most of the people who grow up fat have strong abs because we keep them tight ALWAYS. I've noticed that women who grow up skinny and then gain weight later walk around with their bellies out, which makes me scream in my head: "Why doesn't she just suck it in??" I guess it's different for them. If I were to walk around without sucking it in, I'd be close to flat, but not enough for me to do it. In fact, the idea gives me anxiety.

But one of the things that I look forward to the most in losing this weight is the day when I will be able to walk around WITHOUT having to suck it in. When I can finally... relax. To give you a clue as to what I mean, I have not "relaxed" in public since.. um... I guess the 3rd grade. I don't remember what it's like to relax in public. I don't know how it feels to just sit down and not have to worry about an escaping lump of pooge waiting to escape my tireless effort to keep my abs tight, and I have no idea how it feels not to constantly hold it in. And swimsuits!? Don't even think about it. I hate them. I hate myself in them. I go to the ends of the world to escape the eyes of people I know so that when I DO wear one, they won't see me in it. I am so ashamed of my thighs that I wear one of those little skirts on my swimsuit. Do I feel like I'm in my 60's when I do this? Yes. But damned if I am ready for the world to see my horrible cellulite again. And stretch marks. Which I've had since middle school.

My memories of being fat are often combined with my current fat. It sucks to remember that I used to be bigger, and have a mini celebration, while constantly reminding myself that it's not enough and I still have a ways to go. But right now, it kinda feels weird not having the gut which followed me around for years and years and years. Weird, but I like it.

Today's weigh in (according to the WiiFit) has me at 121.9. So... I am getting there. I think.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Objectifying women... for a good cause!

Something that's been annoying me lately have been ads that objectify women... for good causes.

Now, before I vent, let me make it perfectly clear that I love naked chicks. Love them! I often dress pretty risque for photo shoots and I have no issue with chicks being proud of their bodies. What I do have a problem with is the message that a lot of these objectifying ads are sending. The latest ad that has fueled my rage is this one here of Kim Zolciak, going basically topless for... gay marriage?? Ugh. Now I get the fact that they're doing this shit for attention, but what boggles my brain is, do they really think that getting almost naked is going to get people to change their minds about gay marriage? Do they really think that being a camera slut is going to change the world for the better? It just doesn't make any sense in my brain... but the ones I hate even more are the PETA ads. It's no secret that they're using sex to try to get media attention, which in my opinion, is not helping their cause.

They want to help animals, so they're posing naked for magazines. They try to influence people into going vegan by claiming that eating meat makes you tired, ugly, fat, impotent, sad, and anything else that the public does not want to be. Meanwhile, they hand out tofu-dogs while having models wear bikinis made of lettuce, and get various celebrities to pose nude for ads that will be printed on everything from magazines, to Metro cars.

And you know what's worse?? Their "vegeterians make better lovers" campaign, which is not only bullshit, but horrendously offensive. Their entire campaign is based on the idea that being a vegan is sexier. So they put up half naked chicks making out with one another. Well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I happen to know that vegan diets can have just as much saturated fat and excess carbs as any other way of eating, and besides that, it is EASIER to get fat while you're eating vegan because vegan products tend to be higher in excess carbs and sugar than normal products! Eating vegan doesn't automatically make you skinny, or attractive, or magically make your sex life better. And by the way, how the hell is this helping animals?? I'd like to meet the shallow dumb-ass who went vegan as a result of seeing a naked chick on a billboard tell him to. And then I'd like to punch him in the face.

They say that meat eaters are more violent. That we are less gentle. Well, I'll openly admit it. I am not that gentle. However, my problem isn't with vegans. It's with PETA. PETA is a cancer on American society that makes vegans look bad. I went vegan during Lent for religious purposes, and I was on a vegetarian diet during my trip to Rome. I got no problem with not eating meat, but, for the love of all that makes sense, don't try to tell me that not eating meat will suddenly make me amazing. And don't abuse freedom of expression to put up soft core porn to influence people based on facts that you made up.

Last but not least, my ancestors lived off of animals for thousands of years, and they were praised by Europeans as being healthy and fit. So don't tell me that eating meat makes you ugly and fat, because anyone with a brain knows that it's not only untrue, but stupid. So go eat your Soy Joy, put a damn shirt on, and get the hell offa my lawn.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


"Well, I'm a size six."

"Which is the new size fourteen."

So, I made the mistake of watching "The Devil Wears Prada". I love Meryl Streep, it was on TV, and I wanted to have something going on in the background as I job hunted. I think the moment Anne Hathaway said "I'm not skinny", I broke down that barrier between annoyance and rage. Not skinny my fat ass! And she claims to be a size "6", which is shit because I'm a size 6, and damned if she's my size. Unless she's talking about a REAL size 6, which would be a size 2 to those of us who shop at cheaper stores. Which she probably is.

I don't know, movies like this and "Sex In The City" just piss me off.