Much Better!

Well the truth is, I am feeling a lot better. As of last week (when I traveled to Minnesota), I realized that honestly, things could be worse. As it is, at least I have a job. Is it the job I want? No, but hell, my dream job is to be a musician, so none of my past jobs have really been my dream job. I'm learning to lighten up. Life is too short for me to be obsessed with what I feel like is my own failure.

In perfect honesty, I do not hate my job at the greenhouse. Are there times when I am desperate to come home? Sure, but what job doesn't do that to people? Work is work, and as far as jobs go, this is not the worst thing that I could be doing. At the very least, I work with people who are kind and courteous. I have never had an issue with my coworkers. They are all very humble people who are very down-to-earth, and I respect them all. It's hard to come across that sort of thing in an office environment, where most of the people around you are competing. Not that I don't miss that of course... but this is only one chapter in my life. I mean hell, I've had four jobs since graduating. I know I'll have more, and I know that I can rebuild myself.

For now, I'm focusing on this one. I'm still working on the design stuff, but my main focus is on my music, my upcoming wedding, and the artistic inspiration that I've been salvaging.

As for other creative outlets? I'm in a podcast! Sako, my photographer, maid of honor, and the Daimyo of Dork, had the idea to create a podcast. It's called "The Duchy of Dork" and it stars the both of us. I'm really impressed by all of the work she's done on the sites, and her photos are absolutely beautiful (not just because they're of me... *cough*).

So go check it out, sometime! If you have time to kill to listen to two chicks talk about dorky stuff, that is.

Small Update

You'll have to forgive me for this small update. Basically, here's the down low for my trip to Minnesota..

The band isn't going. Devon's car blew up, so I'm going to go with Dan and Sako to help with the event. I'll also be singing with Benedictum for one or two songs. We've got some shows lined up, so as usual check the MySpace for those.

More updates soon. Still very depressed, but hey, our album got a review!

Forgive me?

I haven't updated my blog here in a while due to depression. Working a job that isn't in my field took it's toll, and I was feeling terrible. Well, things have gotten better. Got a few interviews, and some possibilities on the horizon, but mostly I'm excited because things are going great for my band. We're going to be on 98 Rock on June 14th, which will be totally amazing, and I'm really looking forward to it. I've also gotten back on the wagon with my diet, and sure enough, within just a few days of eating the way I should, I'm back to my normal weight of 123.

Looking to drop a few more before the wedding, which is in 79 days.. oh man...

Fear is popular

So I haven't written in here because honestly, I've been afraid to. I've been afraid of updating my little progress, because I've literally made very little. I now have two jobs; one, working 44 hours a week as a cashier at a plant nursery. Two, working part-time at an office in DC, where I update their website, and may eventually help them build a new one. So I've got two jobs, which, when added together, do not pay as much as I made during my last one. Or even during my first one. This is very depressing, BUT... at least I am working.

At least I have a job. At least I can write in my resume that I never stopped working within my field. During my time working retail, I've not only done contract work, but also part-time work within the graphic design world. So, I'm not COMPLETELY off track. Not completely. And I continue to get people calling and e-mailing, asking if I'm interested in interviews. So far, they've only been for contract jobs. But I have faith that things will change someday. In the meantime, at least I have these two jobs.

I'll admit it, though. I am still terribly depressed. How can I not be? I lost the best job of my life. I lost the happiest time I've ever had working. I lost something that I can only hope I can replace, someday. And yet, in spite of it all, I'm getting married in 3 months. So the world isn't really that horrible, is it? Not if love can help me through it.

Easter Saturday

Well, it's Easter weekend. That means the end of Lent.

When I started this, I was at the top of my game. Great job, band had lots of gigs, and I was the happiest I'd ever been. Fasting made it impossible for me to function correctly, so I had to stop. I realized that physically, I wasn't able to go without food for too long. Then the big hitter. I got laid off. I've been overwhelmingly depressed ever since, and nothing.. not my band, not the weather, not even my fiance can tear me out of this funk until I get a new job. I need work to survive. I feel useless without it. I know that may sound strange, but not working is horrible to me.

Since being laid off, I've been job searching like a crazy person. Every waking moment, I am at my computer. I've gotten a few odd jobs doing some graphic work for one company, but I don't like working with them. Their boss is flaky and I do not enjoy how he talks to me, like I am a talentless good-for-nothing and he doesn't have to pay me for the countless hours I've put into his assignments. I just want to get my money and never speak to him again.

I've had a few job interviews, but nothing really promising. I've been depressed out of my mind, until yesterday. I got a call from two places. One, the Onion, which may hire me to do some promoting for them. That would be wonderful. Two, a company that needs someone to come in for only four hours a week to do a little web maintenance. That much I can do, but it's not enough. I need a real full time job, and if I can't get that, I don't know what I'll do.

Basically, I am scared. I have bills, I have a wedding, I have too many things on the horizon that require the sort of money I was making a month ago. I am angry and upset, and I am hurt. I would give anything for my old job back, but since I know that's impossible, I have to keep looking for something else. And it's so horrible to be stuck at home with nothing to look forward to but more job searching. Right now, I kinda hate my life. The little things that made it great pale in comparison to the horrible reality that I am unemployed.

Man, I hate that word.

Day 43

Today is the only interview that I have to a promising job. Please pray for me, wish me luck, send good vibes, whatever it is you do to someone who really really needs a job.

Day 38

Oh man.. been working my butt off doing some freelance work while simultaneously trying to get a real job. So far, my only lead is an interview for web design next Wednsday. After that, I don't know what I'll do. I'm making $20 per hour doing freelance stuff for this non-profit organization, so who knows, maybe I'll land a permanent place with them, if they like the stuff I do this weekend.

This really blows.