Acceptance

Well, I've gone through the mourning process. Now it's time for acceptance. With Willy being laid off, we're gonna start a new sitcom in the "Full House" style and move into his parents' enormous house until he can find a new job. Meanwhile, I'll be working at the greenhouse, and continuing to sing for two bands.

What wacky adventures will we find ourselves in with the Austins? Find out, Tuesday nights at eight thirty, only on CBS!

Basically, I gained 5 pounds during the past month. It was due to a lot of things. Well, no.. mostly just me being depressed, and too lazy to be creative with my cooking. And when I saw the scale yesterday, it was a big slap to the face. I REFUSE to go back to the way that I once was. No matter how sad I might be, or what horrible fate awaits me, I will not be fat too.

I've got the next few days off, which means packing and applying to jobs. I'm also going to work on my next experiment; an entirely sugar-free pumpkin pie, using crushed nuts as a crust, and steevia as a sweetener. I'm doing this for both myself and my mom, who was diagnosed with diabetes, and really loves pumpkin pie. I know it's been hard on her, so I want to give her a surprise for Thanksgiving and bring a pie that she can eat.

Now to continue comforting Willy. At least it's a fairly nice day! Fairly...

Life Sucks

Well, it looks like I might not get to open for Hammerfall. I won't get into detail because I'm too angry, but, the guy at the club has been lying and it looks like basically, all our hard work has been for nothing. Seriously, FML right now. (FML means "fuck my life".)

Tomorrow I get to start my new schedule at the greenhouse, which starts on Saturday and ends on Tuesday. This weird-ass way of working is fucking with me more than I can describe. No more days with my husband. No more sleeping in on Sundays. No more GOING TO CHURCH. Seriously, fuck the owner, it's not like his ass has to come in on a Sunday, so he decides to make ME work Sundays? Why? What's the point? Even the lady doing the scheduling doesn't get the point of changing my days, but anything to please that giant asshole, right?

Applying to more jobs, now.

My Apologies

Sorry for being such a downer here, folks. As you can see, my bipolar disorder tends to have it's ups and downs, and lately I've been on an enormous down. Luckily, I'm not the sort to seriously consider suicide. Think about it? Sure. Seriously consider it? No. Therapy helped with that, if nothing else. I have a feeling that my ego is too big to allow for suicide. Basically: "People would be showering me with all that attention, and I wouldn't be around to experience it!?" That's why I can't entertain thoughts on killing myself for more than a few seconds.

Mostly I think about ways to pull myself out of this gutter, which pulls me in a million directions at once. Right now, I'm in two bands. They're great distractions. Last night I learned that my band might have the opportunity to open for Hammerfall, which, I will tell you, would be amazing for me. Lemme explain why:

Three years ago, Willy and I were still in college. We were on a date, and stopped off at the mall. We were in our World of Warcraft phase at that point, and were drawn to this CD in FYI called "Hammerfall". Why? It's the name of the city in Warcraft where my character was born. So, we listened, and OH MY GOD. I had been listening to 80's hair metal at the time and was dissatisfied. Hammerfall drew me into the world of power metal. We bought the CD and loved it. Here is an example of Hammerfall's greatness. If you like songs about rescuing princesses and fighting evil hordes and the glory of honor, plus clean vocals set to metal, you might dig Hammerfall.



Days later, I bought all of their other albums, and then learned about people like Blind Guardian and Edguy. I dug deeper and deeper, but it wasn't until we went to our first concert together, Dragonforce, until I realized what I needed to do; make my own band.

And so, months later, as I was bored at work and perusing the intrawebz, I put up a post on Craigslist. The rest is history. But the thing is, it all started with Hammerfall, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I never got to see them in concert, and it would be a dream come true if I could play on the same stage as they. And if I could meet them beforehand? I think I'll probably have to hide my tears.

So pray for me, ya'll. It won't be the answer to all of my prayers, but it will be a defining experience of my life.

Oh, what a surprise.

Turns out that the guy with the so-called "marketing position" lied. No salary or benefits. Just a telemarketing job that paid $8.50 per hour.

Driving home, I considered just driving through 66 until I reached the mountains, and then laying down on the ground to watch the clouds go by. It's gotten to the point where I'm too buried in depression that I don't cry, anymore. I just come home and cook dinner. Then I send resume after resume like a robot, before writing a thousand words for my novel. Then I go to sleep.

Today will be no different. I'm gonna go help my guitarist paint a house, make a few dollars for grocery money, and contemplate what life would have been like if I'd just gone to medical school like I really should have. I could be training to be a plastic surgeon, right now... what the hell was I thinking? Being an artist blows.

Spiraling

I'm getting deeper into my rut, today. Learned that I have to work weekends from now on. So, absolutely no days with my husband. Just nights where we're working on our respective websites/projects/bands/portfolios, or I'm too angry about everything, it's too dark to take a walk, and he hates going to the gym. So basically it's like we're roommates. We got married so we could be roommates and spend no real time together because we're too busy looking for better jobs.

Tomorrow's my interview. Lets see what the hell happens. After my interview, I'll be going to help one of my guitarists paint a house he's sold so I can make a few extra bucks. Will probably go toward gas for the car.

Willy keeps telling me to do some life drawing to supplement my resume, but I have this urge to finish my novel. And I know that if I don't keep writing, I'll drop out of my inspiration. I've been doing from 1,000 - 3,000 words a day, and I know that if I keep it up, I'll be finished by the end of 2009. I really want to finish something for once. I've been reading so much lately, and I've noticed that a lot of the books I've read SUCK. So why the hell can't I put out a gaddamn novel?? I know I need new art, but I just can't bring myself to do it right now. I feel guilty for not writing when I draw, and I feel guilty for not drawing while I write. And when I'm at work I feel like I'm wasting time doing nothing that will bring me closer to my goals.

I've been trying my damndest to get out of my current habit of saying "Oh God, kill me," at points of stress and despair. I don't mean it. I don't want to die. I don't know why I keep saying it, but it just slips out sometimes. Maybe I just wish that I could go to sleep and wake up to someone wanting to hire me. Or a record deal. Or a book deal. Anything that would rescue me. I've been trying for so long. I remember when I used to go to therapy, back when my only problem was my bipolar disorder and discontentment about my old job. I'd give anything to have that job back, now. It was brainless and I did nothing, but it was money and peace of mind. I have no peace of mind, anymore. Just constant worry and guilt.

Cool Pictures + Despair

Well, it looks like I'll be working on Sundays from now on. Which means I'll have no day that I can spend with my husband. I have an interview Wednesday, but my pessimism won't allow me to see much good in it. I'm fairly confident that we'll end up moving back in with Willy's parents and that I'll have a 2 hour commute to get to a shitty job every morning. And then I will go nowhere for at least a few years until either I suddenly get a record deal, or die of inadequacy.

Also, the squirrels have been eating the leftover unsold pie pumpkins at work, so I rescued a couple to bake and gather seeds.

And here's some cool pictures of me!

My favorite holiday!

Well, it's Halloween! This is my favorite holiday. I used to think I'd throw a party every year, but this year it's a no go. Fortunately, we DID find a good substitute... Willy and I are going to see Dethklok on Halloween!! Tomorrow, after work, he'll be picking me up and we'll spend my favorite holiday watching some incarnation of Dethklok. Now, that doesn't spare me the steaming hot slice of guilt I feel when indulging in Halloween treats, but... hopefully it will be a distraction! Right now, I'm making brownies for the people at work. I'm praying that, despite how much I love the people I work with, I won't work there much longer.

I went and applied to an office position, today. The lady didn't look terribly excited about me, and I saw another applicant leave before I got there.. she looked like a teenager and she was wearing sweatpants. Holy crap I hope I don't get rejected because I'm OVER-qualified... I need a new job so badly. I'm not sure what else to do!

Eh, that's enough whining for today... happy Halloween!