Reocurring Nightmares

Ever since I got sick on Friday, I've had a lot of dreams. I've also had the same nightmare about three times. Maybe it's a result of taking so much NyQuil, I dunno, but I've had this particular nightmare before. In fact, I've had this nightmare since I graduated from college.

No, not this kind of Nightmare you nerds!

Now, when I say "nightmare", I don't mean monsters. I've had those before, but this is totally different. It still terrifies me and fills me with anxiety even after I wake up, to the point where I begin questioning my reality. This particular nightmare is always the same in terms of the situation. I'm always faced with the sudden realization that I have overbooked myself; I have (at least) 2 full-time jobs, I'm missing class in school, and I have no idea what my school schedule is. So I'm suddenly in this frantic panic about the fact that I'm missing school AND my jobs AND I have no way of getting to either. It's terrible. Throughout my dream, I try to navigate my way toward one of these things until eventually I wake up and feel really dumb. I graduated from college a good 7 years ago. I've only got one job (that pays), and my other job is fun. Why do I keep having the same nightmare about a conflicting work/school schedule?

I know that I miss school. I enjoyed college a lot, especially the classes I actually wanted to take. I never really experienced fear when it came to exams or finals or anything like that. So why all the fear?

I have no idea. I'd love to go back to school, but for now I can't. Is this my brain telling me I've crammed too many things into my schedule? Or I really really want to go back to school? Stupid brain.

I'm sick. -_-

This post comes to you straight from my sofa. I'm sick at home, which means I'm sad and angry. I woke up on Friday with all sorts of weekend plans. Willy has been sick all week so I've been taking care of him, waiting for my chance to do fun stuff starting Friday. Except my immune system was like LOLNOPE and have me his illness.

My throat hurt so bad last night and this morning, so I'm happy that part of it seems to be gone. Now I'm dealing with the stuffy nose. I haven't eaten much. I have no appetite! I woke up at 12, played a little Neverwinter, and went back to sleep. Woke up again around 6. I ate a bowl of soup, some hummus, water, and tea. That's it. And I'm just not hungry. I'm disappointed that I didn't get to work out yesterday, as intended. I wanted to work my arms. Laying around all day just makes me feel so lazy and I hate that feeling.

Ugh. I hate this.

Rant ahead! Shield your eyes!

Well, Lent ended a while ago. Did I make it? I sure did!! However, I had to alter my diet dramatically to make up for the loss of fat and wound up needing a banana every day just to stay coherent. So, I never lost any weight. Willy wound up losing almost 10lbs and lowered his blood pressure. GO FIGURE!

Anyway, now that I'm back on MY plan, I'm back to working out in a way more efficient way. The way that makes me feel like a freaking superwoman; weight lifting.

My dream thighs.

How I've missed you, weight lifting! Throughout my early 20's all I could do to keep the weight off was run like a jackass, when it's been proven time and time again that if you want to keep fat off, weight lifting is the way to go. But I was never able to lift very heavy so I kept running. Well screw that. I'm tired of being fat AND weak. So I'm lifting weights and trying my best to be stronger so that one day my arms will rival She-Hulks. To do this, I'm actually eating real food and drinking lots of water and grunting while I lift because that shit helps. I don't know why I got so lazy, before. I know I feel better when I eat right and lift. Whenever I eat more carbs than usual, I get all bloaty and gross and then I regret it. I ALWAYS REGRET IT. And I'm still at the same weight I was all those weeks ago, which really pisses me off. At least when I lift and eat right, I don't feel guilt. I always feel guilt when I eat bad and I feel like it translates through my appearance. I tried wearing skinny jeans to a gig a few days ago and the photo evidence is not good, so I'm upping my gym work.

While perusing the internet for ways in which to get my ass in shape, I've noticed a lot more BS from people all over the internet. Here's a few that annoy the hell out of me:

1. I can't lift weights or I'll get big muscles!
AAAAAAHHHHH MMMMYYYYYY GAAAAWDDDD SHUT UP NO YOU WON'T!! Here is a good link that disproves this annoying-ass myth. You will find more everywhere. Hell, ask a personal trainer. A real personal trainer.

2. I heard that the elliptical/stair machine/doing squats with weights/ect. makes your butt BIGGER!
Who told you this? Whoever told you this is dumb. SO DUMB. Your butt is made of fat and muscle. Muscle is smaller and more dense than fat. Building muscle burns fat. Just because you're building muscle under fat doesn't mean your butt will get bigger. In fact, it means your butt will look smoother because there will be more muscle and less fat.

Do you want this butt? BUILD MUSCLE.

3. You look great, all you need to do is tone!
THERE IS NO SUCH THING. Whoever made up the term "tone" can DIAF. "Toning" is what women think happens when you've got a little flabbyness and you exercise just enough to make it go away. No. It doesn't happen that way. What does happen is that if you build muscle, it will replace fat, and you will look tighter and less flabby. MUSCLE = GOOD You want a nice curvy butt? BUILD MUSCLE. You want a nice pair of legs? BUILD MUSCLE.

4. Well I just want thinner thighs so I'm just going to target them with this machine.
Ughhhhhhhhhh...!! NO. There is no such thing as "spot training". When your body burns fat for fuel, you don't get to decide where that fat comes from. Let me tell you, that shit sucks. I have the tiniest upper body, hardly any boobs to speak of, and yet my thighs are still a constant annoyance. Does that mean I can just work out my legs? No. Then I'd have a weak upper body with no muscle definition and that would look dumb. DUMB DUMB DUMB.

Now that those are out of the way, here are some other smaller things that annoy me:

Juice cleanses. Eat vegetables. If you need to add apple juice to your kale to eat it, you've got a sugar addiction. Just eat the freaking vegetables! Juice isn't going to cleanse your freaking colon, fiber is, and you're losing like 80% or MORE of the fiber in your vegetables by juicing them! This ridiculous fad is a money-making machine. Don't be a patsy. Be a grown up and buy some broccoli.

Body wraps. I get that if you want to get rid of a little fat for a big date or a big show or something, this might be a good idea. But I'm not going to pay upwards to fifty bucks to wrap my stomach in plastic wrap for less than an inch of fat that will just come back once I drink some water.

Instant flavored oatmeal. Oh sure, let me just eat less than a hundred calories worth of empty carbohydrates first thing in the morning so I can crave sugar all day and pass out from hunger around noon. That sounds amazing. And healthy.

Disclaimer:
Please keep in mind, I'm not a professional. All I know is from what I've learned from professionals and my own personal experience in losing weight. I'm not blogging so I can sell something, I'm just ranting because I'm tired of getting advice from people who don't know what they're talking about. Rumors ruin people's health. I've done nearly every diet under the sun in the hopes of losing weight, and have discovered through trial and error what works for me.

About songwriting..

Iron Maiden's Dave Murray

Yesterday, Josh compared me to Dave Murray (Iron Maiden). Apparently, Bruce Dickinson says that his songwriting can be compared to "trying to give birth to an elephant". He writes a song once every few years, which is kinda like me I guess. The last song I wrote the melody for was The Night Witch. It wound up being a favorite by a lot of fans, so I'm really proud of that. Whenever I write, I have a certain "style" in mind. For The Night Witch, I wanted a Danny Elfman (Nightmare Before Christmas, Oingo Boingo) feel. Well, Wednesday night, as Josh and I were coming back from a show around 1am, we were listening to Dio's The Eyes and having been up since 6am just like every morning, I was exhausted. This seems to be a pretty good combo, for me. Whenever I'm heavily exhausted, I think too much. So here I am, listening to Dio and thinking too much and boom! A song pops into my head. I think about it for the 4-5 hours I could sleep before waking up at 6 and still thought about it. I thought about it in the morning, on my way to work. I thought about it while I put away newspapers and greeted the morning's guests. I thought about it until FINALLY, I could get some lyrics down.

But unlike a lot of my sets of lyrics, this time I knew exactly how I wanted this song to be sung. I sang it while writing it, I sang it in the gym, and I sang it walking to the Metro on my way to a short band practice. And then, HELL YES WE WROTE THAT SHIT. Because it felt good, and it felt right.

And that, my friends (all two of you!) is how I write a song. I have it squishing in my brain, begging me to release it, until finally.. FINALLY, I force it out. Songwriting. YEAH. Look for it on CD 4. I'll squeeze it in, somehow.. e_e

STFU, SRSLY

Alright Nina, time to STFU. I already wrote about how Willy has been telling you to stop beating yourself up, and here you are, speaking in the 3rd person.

Okay, so last night I did a gig and it was fun. I was a little bummed by how I looked because I hadn't gone to the gym and ate an apple AND a pear so my stupid lady brain told me that I felt fat. Well, Bobbie took a picture of us on stage and of course I'm making one of my signature goofy-ass faces. I always feel fat at shows because wah wah wah, so I'm trying to reprogram myself to stop being so critical. After all, I kill myself in the gym enough that I think I'm entitled to a little bit of pride. So today, before the massacre (and this is after having slept only 5 hours last night...) I checked myself out in the mirror and decided that I wasn't a total loss after all. Maybe sometimes, it's just an unflattering photo because you're at a weird angle and you're making a stupid face.

Maybe I just need to get a new shirt that fits me better. Seriously, I've been wearing that red shirt for at least 5 years, now. I can afford a new shirt from Walmart.

Anyway, I took a picture of myself in the gym because that's where I always feel like I'm at my best. I'm trying really hard not to be critical of myself, and I just had to stop myself from writing another complaint. So I'm just gonna put up this picture of myself, before my workout, when I thought, "You know what? Not bad."

How much is enough exercise?

So I've gotten to the point where I'm working out way more than I ever have before. I think the "fittest" I ever was must have been when I was on the swim team, swimming laps endlessly for the amusement of nobody. I wasn't very fast, I never really won anything, and I was still fat, BUT! I could swim those laps over and over again and I didn't really get winded, so I suppose I must have been in okay shape. Under all the fat.

Anyway, nowadays I work out four days a week. Five, if I'm not going to band practice. I go during my lunch break and usually the folks I work with are generous toward me (as I am toward them) and we let each other extend our breaks a bit longer than an hour. This allows me to do everything I feel is necessary in the gym, so, I spend half an hour lifting weights, and then thirty to forty minutes doing cardio. Half of that cardio is sprint training on the treadmill, where I alternate running 8MPH with jogging at around 5MPH. After the running, I do the elliptical and alternate heavy resistance with light resistance. I switch up the amounts I do of each, every day, to try and trick my body into burning more calories. Recently, I've increased the amount from burning 300+ calories to 350+. Today, I'll probably be doing 400+.

(Here's some information on sprint training and why it's more effective vs low intensity cardio.)

After all this, plus not eating meat and eating very healthy throughout the week, I still haven't lost any weight. Willy told me something very helpful, last week. He said that I should try to look for the positives instead of the negatives and that my self-destructive thought process was causing me unneeded stress. He's probably right, so I started trying to look at the positives, but it's still difficult. This morning, I had my breakfast and thought, "It's okay that I haven't lost any weight. Maybe this is just how I'm meant to look. I'm very healthy, so a little extra fat on my thighs isn't killing me."

Then I went and read an article about another female vocalist for a metal band. Alissa White-Gluz is the lead vocalist of The Agonist, who also does guest vocals for Kamelot. She's a vegan who works out for three hours every day.

Three hours.

Alissa White-Gluz of The Agonist

And she looks physically perfect, which just gives me someone else to compare myself to. Why can't I be that perfect looking? It's not fair. I don't have the time to work out for three hours every single day. When I get home, it's around 7pm, which gives me just enough time to cook dinner, work on graphics, and go to bed. How could I possibly fit more exercise into my routine? As for veganism, it's bad enough that I'm pescatarian right now and unable to lose weight. I can't imagine what restricting myself even more would do.

Now, I could chalk all this up to "different body types" and just say, "Don't worry about it. Everyone is different, you're made to look this way". But what I'm really thinking is just "You're not trying hard enough."

And that's what it always boils down to, in the end. I always feel like I could be doing more to lose weight. There's something I haven't found, some magic cure for chubby thighs, and it's just beyond my reach. I'm not so self destructive that I'm willing to do anything crazy, because like most narcissists, I value myself and my health too much. How am I supposed to sing for an audience and run around like a maniac if I'm passing out from malnutrition? I'm not willing to do that. But there should be something I can do that's within my reach.

Something else I'm fully aware of is the fact that most women who weight train for fitness aren't waify. They're strong ladies, usually a little thick, and I absolutely adore them and how hard they work. So I could be content with the way I'm currently built because as it is, I'm able to lift way more than I used to and run way longer and way faster than I used to. I should be proud of what I've accomplished, but instead I'm still beating myself up because I'm not thin.

So yeah, Willy's right. I'm entirely too negative about myself and it's causing me nothing but stress. At this point, I've got to figure out whether I want to continue beating myself up or try and accept that what I am is okay. Except that accepting what I am feels like giving up. It feels like failure. I feel like a failure.

How messed up is that?

$^#&ing scale!!

Look, I know losing weight takes a while. I know. I've been spoiled by having been able to, in the past, lose 5lbs in a week. And usually, that's all I needed to feel okay. I would go from 122-127, diet for a week, lose that water weight and be back to my old self. Well that isn't working, now. Since last year's tour, parties, and Holiday season, I got so far over 130 that now I can't climb back down from it. 130. That horrible horrible number.

Let me tell you about 130. 130 was my goal, once. I saw it as an obtainable goal. Something that, as a teenager who weighed 180lbs, I could gain and feel good about. Hell, I would have been happy at 150. 150 was a nice round number, right? Not right. I lost weight so damn fast it was mind blowing. Suddenly I was 150, and I had no idea, because I had no scale. I remember at some point trying to put on an old pair of jeans and being shocked at how huge they were. Then, one day, I was 130. My "goal". I thought to myself, "woah". But I didn't stop. I never really stopped dieting and at my lowest weight, while living in a one bedroom studio in Manassas and working at a greenhouse, I hit 119 and felt like singing and screaming because that was my lowest weight ever and I WAS STILL FAT.

Well, not really. But I always FELT fat.

Now, I'm 130 again. I actually lost about 8-10lbs since November, but I can't get past this 130 mark. It's like a thorn in my side that refuses to remove itself. I can't tell if it's fat, or if it's a combination of losing fat and growing muscle, but I still can't wear my old jeans and it is seriously pissing me off. Like, what the hell more can I do? I already don't eat anything with sugar, or bread, or joy. My breakfast is one plain Greek yogurt. My lunch is tuna. My dinner is some kind of fish smothered in vegetables. My snacks are raw unsalted nuts (hehe) and my beverage of choice is either water, black coffee, OR if I'm feeling REALLY cheeky, coffee with a splash of cream. Or a diet Coke. THAT'S IT. I don't eat sweets, or junk food. I work out four times a week. I stretch, I lift, I run, I bike, I sweat, and I work until my muscles feel like they're going to revolt.

So why the %$&# am I still stuck at this mother $&#*ing 130lbs!?

Rant aside, I decided to venture forth in skinny jeans for our last show. I do not think I will ever be able to pull off that look. I've got massive thighs and I don't know how to tame them. Don't believe me? Take a look at this bullshit.

What the hell was I thinking!? Maybe I was hoping that I've really just got body dysmorphia and I see myself as fatter than I really am. Nope. I'm fat. I'm not fat enough that it's a health concern, I'm not fat enough that I can complain that nobody carries my size, I'm just fat enough that I can't wear skinny jeans and I'm very upset that it feels like I can't do anything about it. I can hear the calls of "LOL join and gym" and "cut down on the burgers" and what not from here. I just don't get it. What am I doing wrong? How is it possible to eat like this, sweat like this, and beat myself up like this and not lose weight? What do I have to do, stop eating entirely? Is it time to give fasting a try? Because I've done that and all I get are massive headaches.

And I refuse to believe that I was just meant to be fat. I refuse. This is absolute bull$#&* and I'm going to find a way out if it kills me.