Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I H8 WINTER

Yes, I hate winter. With a passion. I loathe snow. I abhor wind. I detest the feeling of frost beneath my feet, and more than anything, I am disgusted with the biting pain of cold on my skin.

I actually discovered a few broken blood vessels on my leg, today. I have no idea what caused them, but they're in a cluster about the size of my palm. I've been told it might have been caused by standing for 4 hours in the cold, and yanno what? It's just added to my list of things that I hate about winter. I'm basically miserable for 6 months out of the year. Cold months make me dress like a hobo, with layer upon layer of sweaters, hats, and socks. Yet I still shivver on the Metro, as I walk to work, and even just sitting here in front of my computer.

Whai, god? Whai have you cursed me with winter?

In other news, I was apparently being followed by some creepy dude on Monday. Thank goodness for our eagle-eye guards.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Annoyed with America?

Get in line...

I've got this friend from college who complains about America CONSTANTLY. It doesn't help that he's black and thinks the world is against him, but now with the strong airport security, he's got it in his head that him being black, and having a weird middle name, is suddenly going to land him in airport prison. And he's never even FLOWN before.

Let me assure everyone right now; these security measures are FOR YOUR SAFETY, and ARE NOT THAT BIG A DEAL, HOLY SHIT. I've flown a lot, my entire life, to and from Europe. I've flown to France, Spain, England, Switzerland, The Netherlands, Germany, and Egypt. Having done this many many many times, my family has devized a plan that makes it as smooth a trip as possible. Our plan? GET THERE SUPER ASS FUCKING EARLY.

Anyone who flies a lot will tell you this, but there are STILL a shit ton of folks, new to travel, who whine about the wait time. Look, if you're flying to another country, you're going to wait. A lot. That's why there are airport book stores. It's annoying, but you know, after working in security with the same guys who do airport security and passport security (we run the security in all of the passport offices in the US), I understand. There's more to this then the media creating a scare, and the security departments trying to apparently "make white people feel safer". Jesus Christ am I sick of hearing this ridiculous banter..

Before I go on, lemme just say that I hate giving off the "I work so and so, so I know more than you" vibe. I hate it when people do that. However, this is one of those things I'm learning about first hand; how we handle security, and what goes on behind those closed doors. I'm not allowed to talk about it, but I wish people would take what we're saying as truth and not just us trying to brainwash society. People, we LIVE in society! We hate being lied to just as much as you do, so don't write off our experiences as some government plot to make the US full of scared white people. It's nuts. We wouldn't enforce security if it wasn't for good reason. If some terrorist, or even a random nutcase, managed to get past us again, more than one person will hang for it. I don't know what they're doing to the people who let the Christmas bomber in with his explosives, but you can bet it's not pretty.

And this goes for all our servicemen and women, too. When they come back and tell you all that what they're doing is for the good of the US, don't roll your eyes and think you're somehow smarter than they are because you read the internetz. Unless you've been there, you don't know. I'm mad as hell when people write off our military's experiences just because they're fighting a way you don't agree with. And I'm sick of people writing off what I have to say about US security, when I AM RIGHT FUCKING HERE. I am here helping to protect my country's leaders, dignitaries, and all of the people who make US relations with other countries possible. I am not here to make people scared, and neither are the officers who protect us. So do me a favor, and take what I say for what it's worth:

Leave for the airport six hours before your flight, pack a book, and prepare for the ride.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Your MOM!

Okay, so we're living with his family for a bit. Not a big deal. Or at least, it SHOULDN'T be. Willy and I decided to move in with his family to save money while he's out of a job, and it's really not bad, but man, I hate living in other people's homes.. I miss having my own fridge, my own living room, my own messes to clean up off of my own rug. We're using this time to find Willy a new job, and buy a house. It's a scary and exciting prospect, but all the good stuff needs to wait until after Willy gets a job. Which sucks, 'cuz it's Christmas. The last thing people want is to do paper work for a new hire, so we're hoping he'll find something after the holiday season.

Not that it took me eight months, or anything...

I'm just hoping he'll be able to find a job close to mine. The last thing we need is for him to be pulled to the other side of Maryland. It takes me two hours to get to work, right now. TWO HOURS. That's a little crazy, for me. I need to be up at four, out at four thirty, ect. I think the worst part of my week will be Thursdays, when I need to drive to Manassas for band practice. I love band practice, but all that driving when I need to be in bed by nine, and practice ends at ten? Ugh. It's going to kill me, I know it...

And I'm fairly certain now, that after having three days of good sleep, my headaches are caused by my not getting enough of it. I've felt great these past few days, and I don't want to go back to being crippled by my brain screaming at me.

Anyhow, that's me right now. Had a bit of a binge episode on Sunday, caused in part by the in-laws asking me to make paella. Like I'm not going to eat my own cooking, right?? Oh man...

Friday, December 18, 2009

UPDATE!

Gig of my dreams is ON! Hammerfall, March 5th, Springfield VA!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Oh come ON!!

So, the night I get the call saying we've got the GIG OF MY DREAMS, my drummer decides to go MIA. We had to track him down by calling his dad, and after telling him our gripes, he hung up and refused to speak with us. This is AFTER I drove to his house to pick him up, mind you. He hadn't been home all day.

I don't care that he's sick. All he needs to do is call us and let us know. Instead, we had two bass players come in for auditions, which pretty much sucked because we had no drummer. And now that we have Hammerfall on the horizon, we need to figure out if our drummer is a flake, or if we can trust him. It's not an easy thing to think about. I really loved this guy. What is up with men and commitment?! What we really need is a chick drummer, but I digress...

Any metal drummers out there??

This is giving me more stress than I need. I woke up with a huge migraine in the back of my head. Thankfully it's gone now, whether it be from the two ibuprofin I took, or eating breakfast. Either way, I'm feeling a little better. Now all I need is a competant drummer, and my dreams will come true.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

You FAIL

Yesterday's little experement didn't last too long.. I got to about 10:00 before I caved and went in to chase the black dragon. Ended up doing two cups, which kept me alert all day. I stayed on plan without fail, until we went out to one of our favorite restaurants last night... Tony Chengs.

It's EASY to eat on plan, there. It's a Mongolian grill, so I get big bowls of veggies (broccoli, mushrooms, cabbage, ect.) with some meat (lamb, pork, beef, ect.) and they cook it on this huge platform with garlic and hot sauce and junk. I ate just FINE until they came with those little flaky bread things.. I stole a piece from the husband, and managed to eat the whole thing. As I lamented over my weakness, he told me, "Just don't beat yourself up for it."

Good advice. I could have let my depression lead me into a binge, but I did not. I will not. I have been stuck on 125 for the past week, and I have a feeling it's beacause of my little cheats, and the coffee. So I am cutting both. And Willy? Well, he gave me an early Christmas present:

Starting right after New Years, he's going to go on Atkins.

I'm so happy, both because his eating habits worry me, and because it's so much easier to eat on plan when I have someone I can confide in. I have a feeling that he'll stay on plan once he sees his progress. He only has maybe twenty or thirty pounds to loose, and since men loose easier and faster than women, he should do pretty well. I just hope he doesn't get too frustrated. He's in love with food, more so than me because he's never denied himself anything. It will be interesting to see how he copes. He's been feeling a little down about himself lately, due to the weight he gained in college and during the first year at EA, so I'm hoping this will cheer him up and lead him to healthier eating habits.

And I'm hoping his healthy habits will encourage me, too.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Caffeine Experement

So today marks a new experement; namely, I am trying to give up caffeine.

A fool's venture, you say!?

Probably. I usually start the day with coffee. Around 10, I'll add another. Throughout the day, I just drink black coffee. Well, I've been advised to cut the coffee and see if it affects my headaches, so I'm giving it a try, but HOLY CRAP I'm so tired. I actually got a little breakfast this morning, because without my coffee I was getting hunger pangs. I'm also trying to eat more, which is not easy because the feeling of having food in my stomach is not pleasant. I hate feeling full.

My calories lately have been somewhere around 600 - 1200 a day. I'm trying to eat more, but it's so hard to eat at work. I've been bringing salad and tuna, with oil and vinager. For breakfast I had eggs.

Sorry to bore you, people in blog land. Without my coffee I'm sorta brain dead. If I can think of something to be angry about, I'll write summore.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Gay Marriage in DC!?

Well, looks like DC might be getting gay mariage! I must say, I'm proud of my city for it.

Now, a lot of people might say, "Wait a sec Nina, you're a Christian! How can you condone such a thing??"

To this, I give you my explanation as to why gay marriage is okay. First off, "marraige", as in, the union of a couple that allows them to recieve government benefits, is not a religious institution. The religious part comes when you do it in a church. Since I'm a Catholic, I know they're not going to get married in my church. They're not changing MY church at all, so really, what would I be offended by? I'm the type of person who believes that gay people should be treated like straight people. Namely, that being slutty is gross, and if they wanna get married, thank goodness!! You'd think that we would be encouraging gay people to get married!

I know more than a few people who are less offended by gay people than by their culture, and how it often promotes promiscuity. This is offensive to gays everywhere. Just because you're gay does not make you a slut. I think it's disgraceful that some people allow their sexual orientation to dictate how they handle their bodies, and that goes for straight and gay people alike. Straight people, and this includes men, disgust me. They disgust me all the time with how they treat their bodies, and how it negatively impacts others. It disgusts me how they treat marriage! The divorce rate is through the roof! Yet when gay people, who have solid beautiful loving relationships, want to get married.. straight people are grossed out?? Gimme a gaddamn break!!

As a married woman, I can say with the utmost confidence that if two dudes tie the knot, it will not destroy the sanctitiy of my marriage. If two chicks adopt a kid, thank goodness that kid will get a home. If my bible says that it's an "abomination", then I will argue that it's the lesser of two evils. We, as humans, are sinners. We sin all of the time. We try to do well, but we make mistakes. Do I think being gay is a mistake? I don't think so. Personally, I have a feeling that much of the bible, including the bits about gay people being an abomination, were written by some very frustrated men. I know where I stand with the good lord, and as a Christian, I believe that his love extends to everyone. That includes the gays and their love.

So, go DC!! I can't wait to see a bunch of couples come to my city to get married! And for the record, if any of them need a wedding singer, I am totally available.

Monday, December 14, 2009

My Family vs Weight Loss

See, it would be really easy for me to blame my weight loss slump on my parents. My parents think that all of my physical ailments can be solved by eating more. But the truth is, I lost weight easier when I lived with my parents because my food choices weren't up to me. I couln't go out and buy things. I told my mom what I could eat, and she bought it, so every day I had access to good healthy food and didn't have to worry about paying for it myself.

Hell, she bought me lobster!

But the truth is, I'm so lazy when I'm on my own, that I either do one of two things; starve all day and binge at night, or buckle down and do what I know I need to do. The second one is so much harder during the winter, when I have to really make myself get up and eat lunch rather than just stay at my desk and continue working. During the winter, it's cold as hell and I don't want to go out and work out. I have to put forth extra effort to fit a workout into my schedule, considering the fact that I literally only have three hours of free time once I get home. From six to nine, I've got to take my shower, make dinner, eat it, and at some point, spend time with my husband. If I tried to squeeze a work out in that time, I'd have to trust him to make dinner, and make sure that I took my shower once I got home.

Also, I'd have to brave the cold, AGAIN, to go to the gym.

Why can't things be easier? I hate living in this climate. I love my DC, but holy god do I hate the weather. There's got to be a better way to manage my time, but hell if I can think of one. It's gonna be rough until the weather is in my favor again.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Holiday Rant

I swear, I gotta be the only one of my friends who doesn't bitch about the holidays. Maybe it's because I like all of them?? I'm Catholic, so I do Christmas, but I'm about to get offended by other people celebrating other things. I remember when, as a kid, Ramadan, Chinese New Year, Christmas, and Chanukkah all fell around the same week. We learned about all of them, and I was like, "Neat!" and we did activities.

Nowadays, people get bent out of shape over the dumbest shit. "I don't celebrate Christmas because it's a Pagan tradition.." blah blah blah. Look, if you wanna celebrate the winter solstice, go for it. Dance naked in the moonlight. Nobody gives a fuck. Just stop being such a dick to people who want to bring a smile to your face by giving you gifts or something.

I'm not a big fan of Christmas' commercialism, BUT, think of it this way. It's an American tradition, and it's something that we, as Americans, have together. So forget about all the things that keep us apart. I don't care if your a Democrat, a Republican, Christian, Jew, Pagan, Buddhist, whatever! You don't have to get a tree, but do me a favor and stop being a dick. It's not at all attractive.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Screaming brains!!

My brain screams to me,

"It smells so good! EAT!"

But my stomach says,

"Oh my GOD, you will feel horrible ALL DAY. Stop."

Or is it the other way around?

Either way, I bought a bagel this morning. It was freezing. I was weak. I got the coffee, and as I walked to work, I continued to think to myself, and EVENTUALLY managed to convince myself that it was ridiculous of me to have bought that damn bagel when I know it will make me feel full and gross all day. So what did I do? I gave it to a hungry co-worker. It was dumb of me to buy it, and my punishment is that I lost out on two bucks. So, lesson learned, no more impulse buys of shit I know will make me feel bad.

And now for the funny story of the day.

See, my husband is a darling. He's not too knowledgeable about groceries or cooking, so when I asked him to buy some beef for stew and put it away, he lovingly did exactly as I asked. He even got the right beef! Problem is, he froze the whole thing.

We buy our meat at Costco.

So, poor darling is thawing an enormous amount of beef chunks so that he can crock pot up some beef stew. The boy is actually quite talented when it comes to taking directions, and last week, I was pleasantly surprised when he made a really good turkey soup. So now I'm sending him directions for the beef, and praying for the smell of well cooked meat and vegetables the moment I get home. Since we're moving, we don't have much food left in the house, so it's our task to eat everything that we have left so that it doesn't go to waste. Thankfully, it isn't much, but here's hoping we can at least bring our condiments. x_x

Monday, December 7, 2009

Brain Fights

It's freezing at work, today. Every day I walk about four or five blocks, something like that, in the freezing cold. Usually by the time I get here, it's warm. Today, for some reason, it's RIDICULOUSLY cold.. and it makes me want to eat something hot to make up for it. The problem is, what could I eat that's hot, wouldn't put me off plan, and wouldn't make me feel guilty?? Nothing, that's what. And I can't bring food or drink back to my workplace, so eating would be a temporary fix only.

But isn't it always?

Food angers me. No matterwhat, we always have to eat. And we never stop being hungry. Food is a part of life, but I really wish it wasn't. I wish I could stop being hungry so I wouldn't have to constantly make decisions like, "What do I want to eat?" because truthfully, I don't want to want to eat anything. I want to eat things, but they make me feel guilty. And when I eat things I'm allowed to eat, I feel bored and sad. Good is a source of misery, which is weird considering how much I love to cook. I love seeing other people enjoy my food, but eating it myself is like torture. Eating delicious things are an internal battle. Going to my favorite restaraunts involves internal arguments. Eating anything at work makes me feel like a failure, and the guilt makes me feel INSANE.

I've been eating once a day for the past few weeks, which is HORRIBLE for me. My metabolism is slow enough as it is, and I know that eating this way brings it to a grinding halt. The problem is that when I work, I have nobody to push me toward healthy eating habits but myself. And I will openly admit that I am too lazy to push myself, so the only time I eat is at night because my husband is hungry and if I don't eat with him, he'll be angry and suspicious.

Today, I feel nauseous. I almost ran out to vomit around an hour ago, but it seems to be under control now. Still, my stomach is cramped and in pain, probably due to eating out last night. Nobody else seems to be sick, though, so it might just be me. I don't know. I just know I'm driving myself crazy.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Stress = EAT

So last night I came accross my bank statement online and discovered that we're lower on funds than I had innitially thought. I freaked out. I went into a panic, and grabbed my comfort food; chips and salsa. I got through about 20 carbs worth of chips (basically, two and a half of those big round ones) before I stopped myself. I marched over to Willy, gave him the bag and said, "Eat these, please." He asked that I return them to the living room, which I did, and then contemplated ways to calm my nerves. Since it was getting late, I decided that sleep was a good option. So I asked him, "Honey, I'm having trouble winding down. What do you suggest? Besides Nyquil." He had no ideas, so I went with my gut and headed to the fridge.

See, we have a lot of alcohol at our place. A LOT of alcohol. We used to throw lots of parties, so we just accumulated it. In my fridge, I found a wedding gift that I hadn't finished appreciated. It's a bottle of wine called Bitch. For a wine with such a silly name, it's actually really good. Not too sweet, like most new-age wines. Very full flavored, some cinnamon, goes down smooth. I drank two glasses, and ate a turkey leg. Within half an hour, I was in dream land.

Now, I know that people will say you shouldn't eat before going to sleep. But I've also heard arguments against this. All I know is that if it's gonna help me sleep and wake up early, I'll take the chance. I woke up feeling fine, and both turkey and red wine are low carb. So, here's to me taking control of my emotional eating.

Oh, and off-topic, I hope those two White House party crashers get fined out the ass. They're a pair of complete douchebags.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Why I diet..

Besides the obvious, I diet because when I don't, I feel SICK. Eating like a "normal person" makes me feel bloated and nauseous. I came away from last week with a 5lb gain, and constant nausea. This morning, I was forced to throw away a perfectly good chai tea because they added sugar to it WITHOUT TELLING ME, GADDAMN IT. I felt so dumb that I just left and tossed it out. What a waste of money, but I know that if I drank that thing I'd feel bad emotionally and physically.

Looking back on Thanksgiving, I didn't exactly gorge either. I had some turkey, a little gravy, and a corn bisquit at my parents'. At Willy's, I had some stuffing and potatoes, plus a sliver of pie. We went out for drinks afterwards and I had a few french fries. Granted, these are TERRIBLE for me, but I didn't overeat either. It's just that eating even a little of that stuff makes me want to vomit, later. I feel so... FULL. It's gross. Momentary satisfaction and nothing more.

I need to keep reminding myself not to go off plan. This week it's easy, because all I need to do is remind myself of how gross I felt last week.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Ahhh, Friday...

It probably sounds strange, but Willy nailed it on the head once I got home. Why am I so happy? Because I've regained my title as his "sugar mama".

Before Willy got his first job, I -always- made more. I was used to treating him, feeling the responsibility of being the bread winner, and having the power. I was miserable making less... but now things have changed once again! I know, it's awful, and I'm certain that lots of the macho kind of men would be pissed at me, but FUCK YOU, MEN! HAHA!

Man does it feel good to have my weekends back... IT FEELS SO GOOD!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Awesomeness!!

Well, I'm in my first day of training. I can't say much, because it's all classified, BUT, I can tell you these tidbits:

- I get to wear a uniform! Unfortunately, the uniform fits horribly. The waist of the only pants that fit goes up to my rib cage, and the smallest shirt they had included sleeves extend past my thumb.

- The guy who hired me plays Warcraft, as does another of my coworkers. Unfortunately, he plays Alliance, so there was a small amount of trash talking.

- I'll probably be working in DC, which will be nice because it's Metro accessible.

- I'm not allowed to wear nail polish, and my hair has to stay up. Furthermore, I can't wear visible hair accessories, so I need to find a way to put my hair up without you seeing the thing that's holding it up. o_O I haven't worn my hair "up" since one of my recitals in the 6th grade. How I'm going to get my insane hair to stay up all day is beyond my understanding. Methinks I'm going to need a hair adviser. Anyone got any tips??

- This is a great incentive to keep dieting.. the position requires that I continue to fall within their weight restrictions, and during my interview, I managed to be under their "minimum". Which is kinda weird, because 128 shouldn't be a minimum for my height...

- I discovered that I'm not 5'1" after all. I'm 5' 1/2". Holy gaddamn.

Monday, November 16, 2009

FINALLY!

Hear ye, hear ye! The days of obsessively writing about how miserable I am are OVER! ...for now! I received a call today, right when I was about to close my register, which notified me that I was hired! I'll be working for a VERY good security company as their "computer person", and finally, after eight months of misery, be working a normal 9-5 in a position that I can be proud of. Besides doggy-style. (HA!) Anyway, I gave my other job my two weeks, but the big boss called and said it would be my last day. OH WELL.

Anyhow, ya'll can look forward to happier blogs from now on. In fact, this Sunday I'll be doing vocals for my next EP! It's with "A Sound of Thunder" and I am SO looking forward to it being finished!

Hurray for joy!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Possible good mood?

I've got two interviews, today. They're both for positions that will pay more than what I'm getting, and the first is for something I actually wouldn't mind doing because it will help me get Secret Clearance. Also, I have a show at Fast Eddies tonight.

To celebrate, here's a video of me and the guys in rehearsal last night. Please forgive me for not being really energetic, I had to conserve it for tonight.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Recipe...

So here's the recipe I used for my pie. For the crust, I crushed a bunch of pecans with my Magic Bullet (the blender, not the dildo) and added some butter. I spread this mixture at the bottom of a springform pan. Here's the actual pie mix. Note: This is modified from Paula Deen's Pumpkin Pie recipe.

Ingredients

* 1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened
* 2 cups pumpkin puree
* 8 packets of Truvia (Stevia)
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
* 1 egg plus 2 egg yolks, slightly beaten
* 1 cup heavy cream
* 1/4 cup (1/2 stick) melted butter
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
* 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger, optional

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

For the filling, in a large mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese with a hand mixer. Add the pumpkin and beat until combined. Add the stevia and salt, and beat until combined. Add the eggs mixed with the yolks, cream, and melted butter, and beat until combined. Finally, add the vanilla, cinnamon, and ginger, if using, and beat until incorporated.

Pour the filling into the springform pan and bake for 50 minutes, or until the center is set. Place the pie on a wire rack and cool to room temperature.

------------

Paula Deen had the right idea when she used cream cheese instead of evaporated milk. This is the creamiest, richest pumpkin pie I've ever had.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Acceptance

Well, I've gone through the mourning process. Now it's time for acceptance. With Willy being laid off, we're gonna start a new sitcom in the "Full House" style and move into his parents' enormous house until he can find a new job. Meanwhile, I'll be working at the greenhouse, and continuing to sing for two bands.

What wacky adventures will we find ourselves in with the Austins? Find out, Tuesday nights at eight thirty, only on CBS!

Basically, I gained 5 pounds during the past month. It was due to a lot of things. Well, no.. mostly just me being depressed, and too lazy to be creative with my cooking. And when I saw the scale yesterday, it was a big slap to the face. I REFUSE to go back to the way that I once was. No matter how sad I might be, or what horrible fate awaits me, I will not be fat too.

I've got the next few days off, which means packing and applying to jobs. I'm also going to work on my next experiment; an entirely sugar-free pumpkin pie, using crushed nuts as a crust, and steevia as a sweetener. I'm doing this for both myself and my mom, who was diagnosed with diabetes, and really loves pumpkin pie. I know it's been hard on her, so I want to give her a surprise for Thanksgiving and bring a pie that she can eat.

Now to continue comforting Willy. At least it's a fairly nice day! Fairly...

Friday, November 6, 2009

Life Sucks

Well, it looks like I might not get to open for Hammerfall. I won't get into detail because I'm too angry, but, the guy at the club has been lying and it looks like basically, all our hard work has been for nothing. Seriously, FML right now. (FML means "fuck my life".)

Tomorrow I get to start my new schedule at the greenhouse, which starts on Saturday and ends on Tuesday. This weird-ass way of working is fucking with me more than I can describe. No more days with my husband. No more sleeping in on Sundays. No more GOING TO CHURCH. Seriously, fuck the owner, it's not like his ass has to come in on a Sunday, so he decides to make ME work Sundays? Why? What's the point? Even the lady doing the scheduling doesn't get the point of changing my days, but anything to please that giant asshole, right?

Applying to more jobs, now.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

My Apologies

Sorry for being such a downer here, folks. As you can see, my bipolar disorder tends to have it's ups and downs, and lately I've been on an enormous down. Luckily, I'm not the sort to seriously consider suicide. Think about it? Sure. Seriously consider it? No. Therapy helped with that, if nothing else. I have a feeling that my ego is too big to allow for suicide. Basically: "People would be showering me with all that attention, and I wouldn't be around to experience it!?" That's why I can't entertain thoughts on killing myself for more than a few seconds.

Mostly I think about ways to pull myself out of this gutter, which pulls me in a million directions at once. Right now, I'm in two bands. They're great distractions. Last night I learned that my band might have the opportunity to open for Hammerfall, which, I will tell you, would be amazing for me. Lemme explain why:

Three years ago, Willy and I were still in college. We were on a date, and stopped off at the mall. We were in our World of Warcraft phase at that point, and were drawn to this CD in FYI called "Hammerfall". Why? It's the name of the city in Warcraft where my character was born. So, we listened, and OH MY GOD. I had been listening to 80's hair metal at the time and was dissatisfied. Hammerfall drew me into the world of power metal. We bought the CD and loved it. Here is an example of Hammerfall's greatness. If you like songs about rescuing princesses and fighting evil hordes and the glory of honor, plus clean vocals set to metal, you might dig Hammerfall.



Days later, I bought all of their other albums, and then learned about people like Blind Guardian and Edguy. I dug deeper and deeper, but it wasn't until we went to our first concert together, Dragonforce, until I realized what I needed to do; make my own band.

And so, months later, as I was bored at work and perusing the intrawebz, I put up a post on Craigslist. The rest is history. But the thing is, it all started with Hammerfall, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I never got to see them in concert, and it would be a dream come true if I could play on the same stage as they. And if I could meet them beforehand? I think I'll probably have to hide my tears.

So pray for me, ya'll. It won't be the answer to all of my prayers, but it will be a defining experience of my life.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Oh, what a surprise.

Turns out that the guy with the so-called "marketing position" lied. No salary or benefits. Just a telemarketing job that paid $8.50 per hour.

Driving home, I considered just driving through 66 until I reached the mountains, and then laying down on the ground to watch the clouds go by. It's gotten to the point where I'm too buried in depression that I don't cry, anymore. I just come home and cook dinner. Then I send resume after resume like a robot, before writing a thousand words for my novel. Then I go to sleep.

Today will be no different. I'm gonna go help my guitarist paint a house, make a few dollars for grocery money, and contemplate what life would have been like if I'd just gone to medical school like I really should have. I could be training to be a plastic surgeon, right now... what the hell was I thinking? Being an artist blows.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Spiraling

I'm getting deeper into my rut, today. Learned that I have to work weekends from now on. So, absolutely no days with my husband. Just nights where we're working on our respective websites/projects/bands/portfolios, or I'm too angry about everything, it's too dark to take a walk, and he hates going to the gym. So basically it's like we're roommates. We got married so we could be roommates and spend no real time together because we're too busy looking for better jobs.

Tomorrow's my interview. Lets see what the hell happens. After my interview, I'll be going to help one of my guitarists paint a house he's sold so I can make a few extra bucks. Will probably go toward gas for the car.

Willy keeps telling me to do some life drawing to supplement my resume, but I have this urge to finish my novel. And I know that if I don't keep writing, I'll drop out of my inspiration. I've been doing from 1,000 - 3,000 words a day, and I know that if I keep it up, I'll be finished by the end of 2009. I really want to finish something for once. I've been reading so much lately, and I've noticed that a lot of the books I've read SUCK. So why the hell can't I put out a gaddamn novel?? I know I need new art, but I just can't bring myself to do it right now. I feel guilty for not writing when I draw, and I feel guilty for not drawing while I write. And when I'm at work I feel like I'm wasting time doing nothing that will bring me closer to my goals.

I've been trying my damndest to get out of my current habit of saying "Oh God, kill me," at points of stress and despair. I don't mean it. I don't want to die. I don't know why I keep saying it, but it just slips out sometimes. Maybe I just wish that I could go to sleep and wake up to someone wanting to hire me. Or a record deal. Or a book deal. Anything that would rescue me. I've been trying for so long. I remember when I used to go to therapy, back when my only problem was my bipolar disorder and discontentment about my old job. I'd give anything to have that job back, now. It was brainless and I did nothing, but it was money and peace of mind. I have no peace of mind, anymore. Just constant worry and guilt.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Cool Pictures + Despair

Well, it looks like I'll be working on Sundays from now on. Which means I'll have no day that I can spend with my husband. I have an interview Wednesday, but my pessimism won't allow me to see much good in it. I'm fairly confident that we'll end up moving back in with Willy's parents and that I'll have a 2 hour commute to get to a shitty job every morning. And then I will go nowhere for at least a few years until either I suddenly get a record deal, or die of inadequacy.

Also, the squirrels have been eating the leftover unsold pie pumpkins at work, so I rescued a couple to bake and gather seeds.

And here's some cool pictures of me!



Friday, October 30, 2009

My favorite holiday!

Well, it's Halloween! This is my favorite holiday. I used to think I'd throw a party every year, but this year it's a no go. Fortunately, we DID find a good substitute... Willy and I are going to see Dethklok on Halloween!! Tomorrow, after work, he'll be picking me up and we'll spend my favorite holiday watching some incarnation of Dethklok. Now, that doesn't spare me the steaming hot slice of guilt I feel when indulging in Halloween treats, but... hopefully it will be a distraction! Right now, I'm making brownies for the people at work. I'm praying that, despite how much I love the people I work with, I won't work there much longer.

I went and applied to an office position, today. The lady didn't look terribly excited about me, and I saw another applicant leave before I got there.. she looked like a teenager and she was wearing sweatpants. Holy crap I hope I don't get rejected because I'm OVER-qualified... I need a new job so badly. I'm not sure what else to do!

Eh, that's enough whining for today... happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Big trouble in little Manassas.

Well, it looks like Willy and I have planning to do. As an artist in the gaming industry, it's always hard to have a lasting job, and with the economy the way it is, we're always worrying about what his job will bring. Well, I'm literally making HALF of what I once made, which means there's NO WAY we can live off of my paycheck. So if something happens with his job, we'll probably have to do... something. What that something is fills me with shame and depression; moving in with his parents.

Now, I love his parents. Don't get me wrong. They live in a beautiful neighborhood, but it's aaaaaall the way in Maryland, and my job is aaaaaall the way in Fairfax, so I'd be stuck in a horrendous commute if we ended up moving. Sure, we wouldn't have to worry about paying rent for a while, but oh god... moving back in with mom and dad because he can't find another job would be devastating. I'm really scared, right now. We're used to packing all of our stuff into teeny tiny spaces (hence the studio!!) but I'm so scared. We've been going backwards in our progression as successful adults ever since I was laid off, and now it looks like things might even be worse.

I don't even have time to worry about my bad eating habits. Lately I've been having stomach issues, but I'm going to blame that on going back on my plan after a few days of eating crappy. I've been craving cold vegetables and salad like CRAZY for the past few days. I feel so weird. Maybe it's stress.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Cops suck, again.

So I got a parking ticket, today. Where? Why, at my apartment building of course! For what reason? My expired tags. Now, had I seen the officer, I could have shown him the receipt for my new tags, proving that they are in the mail. Unfortunately, to dispute this claim, I actually have to go to the district court, fill out paperwork, get a court date, THEN go to court. Just to prove that I did what I was supposed to do, while that fucking cop didn't follow protocol and find out whether or not my car was in the system, which he would HAVE to do if he stopped me in traffic.

So now my car is out there, just waiting for another ticket that I don't deserve. Cops fucking suck.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

So sad...

So once again, this year Willy and I have had to miss out on the Maryland Renn Faire. The year I graduated college, I worked there during the weekends, and it was one of the best times of my life. I miss being able to go every weekend, to see people setting up, to buy pretty things, to do all of the things I could do when I lived with my parents and didn't need to spend money on silly things like rent. Back then, all I had to worry about were my car payments and insurance, and my student loan.

Amazing how much the bills pile up when you leave the nest.

Nowadays, Willy and I basically just go to work so we can afford to live and go to work. We go out every once in a while, but not at the amount that keeps me happy. Working on Saturdays and having band practice on Sundays does limit me, but so does our budget. It makes me pine for the days when I made literally TWICE the amount that I make now. I can't even describe how awful it is to work a job that I am overqualified for, because I can't seem to find a job in my field. And that alone is depressing enough, and I can't go out or party the way I once did. I can't even hold my own parties anymore, which I used to enjoy to a crazy amount, because we live in a studio on our own.

Basically, things suck and I'm whining. Probably won't get better until one of us gets a better paying job, but I know it's up to me to do that before him. 'cuz, yanno, I been laid off THREE TIMES, and at this point I'm just desperate for a job that will actually have need of the things I went to college for.

Oh, dreams.

Friday, October 23, 2009

It's true!

I've gotta go to work in a few, and after that, it's off to see Saw 6!! YAAAAAAY!! Yes, there has been a Saw movie for every year Willy and I have been together, and I will be sad when they go away. Every year it's like a new chapter in the Saw saga, and I never want it to end!!Anyway, it's true, I am brown. Here's a friend of mine and myself at the KISS concert. Yup, that's me in the make-up, doing my best Paul Stanley face. I thought I'd put up a picture real quick just to illustrate how brown I am, because I'm one of those shades that can be associated with nearly any race. Is she Indian? American Native? Egyptian? White? Half black? Who knows! I've been asked if I was all of these things, which I'm kind of proud of, because I means I ever need to, I can sneak through society like a spy...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Yaaayyyy... emissions testing day...

Well, I was driving to work yesterday, when those ever-friendly blinking lights showed up behind me. I let loose with the curses, checked to make sure I wasn't speeding (I wasn't) and that I was buckled in (I was) and my cellphone wasn't pressed against my ear (it was in my purse). Finding nothing wrong with myself, I began the whole, "Fucking cop, it's because I'm brown ain't it? Or because I drive a shiny yellow car? You fucking suck, cop!" I pull over, and he saunters toward m'car.

"Hello there, can I see your license please?"
"Sure."
"Your license plates are expired."
"...oh. Oh! I'm sorry!"
"Make sure you get that taken care of."

Boy did I feel like an asshole. In my defense however, I have a history of being stopped by shitty cops. On Sept. 11th, I was stopped by a cop, who had his lights on THE ENTIRE TIME, and then got yelled at for not moving when he parked behind me. See, I stopped by the curb to pick up a friend from the Metro, which this cop took to me parking in a no-parking-zone. However, my brakes weren't on, my engine was still running, and my friend was COMING DOWN THE STAIRS. He even watched as this gaddamn cop wrote me a ticket, and had enough time to take pictures.It's not that I hate cops. It's that I have horrible luck and tend to run into the meanest asshole cops in existence. You'd think the fact that I have TWO cops in my family (both of them brothers-in-law) and my sister works for the DC police would give me good cop karma. But no, all they see is a bright yellow car being driven by a little brown girl and it's "lets yell at this chick and give her a hefty fine" day. All except yesterday's cop, whom I would have gladly hugged in exchange for not giving me the ticket I probably deserved for not having done my emissions testing on time. Twenty days late, in fact.

Virginia is really really REALLY strict on these things, so I'm off to Midas to get Sunstreaker checked out. No worries, I already ate my breakfast.

Quick tip: Adding tabasco sauce to your scrambled eggs is AWESOME.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Awwww, bummer!

Well, looks like nobody spoke to the club manager about getting us recorded for Sync Live.. but the good news is that we do have video of our performance, which I should get my hands on by Thursday. And thank goodness for that, because it was the absolute BEST performance we've ever done! I've never been so proud of the guys or myself.

Now for a little media news, looks like some designers in England are working on a new pageant called "Miss Natural Curves" for chicks who are a size 12 and over. I think that in England, a size 12 is about a 10 in the US? Well anyway, I think it's a great idea. I wish we had one in the US! Our only beauty pageants are pretty much either for plus-sized women (you must be a 14 at least) or for really skinny women (you must be a size 2 at most), so what about all of those chicks in between?? I've always wanted to compete in beauty pageants, but my weight isn't the only thing stopping me... at 5'1" I'm just too short to model a damn thing! Too short and too curvy, which is what leads me to my next discussion, action figures!

I swear this will make sense...

A friend of mine contacted me about sculpting me as an action figure, sort of like the KISS action figures by McFarlane Toys. Mine is going to be more of a statuette than a posable action figure, but, it will be molded so that there can be more produced, and we'll be making boxes for them and everything! So not only am I going to be helping out a friend with his portfolio... I'm gonna be a freaking action figure!! I can't tell you what a dream come true that is for me.

As for weight loss, I went a little crazy yesterday and ate a few things I shouldn't have. I'm gonna try not to guilt trip myself, because seriously, I was freaking starving, and I'd rather eat something crappy than suffer those massive headaches again. Now I just gotta work my ass off to make the bad food go away... here we go again.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Show toniiiight!

I almost got into a fist-fight with my WiiFit, today. According to the Fit, I'm 124 pounds. But my bathroom scale says 120.5, and my clothes are looser, soooo... I'm not gonna let myself be too bummed out. 2/3 ain't bad.

Anyways ya'll, tonight is my show with Moonspell!! If you care to watch us streaming LIVE, you can go right here:

SyncLive

I'll post the video afterward, but there's nothing like watching it live!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

What the hell is wrong with you people?!

So I know I have this problem, where I see people who have similar bodies to mine, and I'm jealous of them, but I still see myself as a cow. That aside... I found this article online at "Drunken Stepfather", a NSFW site (you might like it, Carlos!) about Chloe Kardashian in a dress that they considered too revealing for a "fat chick" like her. Holy mother of GOD. Look at this freaking WHALE. Here is the article.I know, right??? Look how FAT she is... the cellulite... the goey thighs... the giant gut... oh wait. She has NONE OF THOSE. Yet whoever wrote this article, who I am going to assume at this point is either an ultra-thin supermodel, or an overweight dude. He even included a close up of her tiny little belly. What the hell is wrong with people, nowadays? Just when I think it's okay, maybe I can loosen up on myself a little bit.. I see this and it makes me feel even worse. Because this is the consensus of the public. That a girl who looks like this is fat. It makes me want to punch everyone.

Now, for a small update on my own stupidity, I'm eating again, eating on my plan and hoping to stick to it. I'm trying to get over the fact that it feels good to fucking starve, because I know it's not good for me and it's not helping. Woo. This morning, I tried to return to my roots and made my favorite breakfast; scrambled eggs with tomatoes. If only I had some bacon, I'd have been in heaven. However, I feel that it's my duty to tell you that I did eat breakfast at... 1 PM. 'cuz that's around when I woke up. I don't know how I managed to sleep for 13 hours, but there ya go!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

KISS!!

I got a call last night from a friend of mine, asking if I'd like to see KISS for free. Of COURSE!! I went with her and a few friends into my beloved city of DC, and we saw KISS live at the Verizon Center. It was AMAZING. I had such a great time, and was crazy-inspired after wards. I can't wait until this Friday.

However, since this is a weight loss/eating disorder blog, I feel as if it's my responsibility to wrote about what's been going on this week. On Sunday I promised myself I'd go on a liquid diet so I'd be as thin as possible for Friday. Well, Monday night came, and Willy and I were discussing what to do for dinner. I was trying to hide my secret. Then I realized I was lying to my husband, and this was wrong of me. But I knew if I told him the truth, he'd be mad. So after some long internal debate, I told him. He said he wasn't mad, just very sad. So I had a few pieces of meat and some broccoli for dinner. Yesterday, I had coffee, half a cup of egg drop soup, and a small thing of fries at the Verizon Center. I feel so guilty for those fries, but I promised Willy I'd eat something.

I feel so weird for being guilty for eating. At first I felt guilty whenever I ate bad stuff, like fries and bread and other starchy food. Now I feel guilty for eating. I feel happy when I'm on "empty". It feels liberating. This is bad territory. I know if I go back to my therapist I won't be able to tell him the truth, because truthfully, I don't WANT to change. Yesterday my boss found out I weighed 180 and told me how impressed he was that I'd kept it off. Well, the truth is, I'm too paranoid to gain weight. I'm so worried about waking up fat one day that I can't bring myself to eat most of the time. This is not normal. And I don't want to change. Sometimes I try to sleep in as late as I can because sleeping too much makes me nauseous, which keeps me from eating.

Yeah, this isn't normal or good. I know that. But I don't ever want to be fat again, and I'm STILL dying to lose ten more pounds. I hate this mini gut that I have. I hate seeing my thighs so round. Willy says I have too much self hate. I think I have enough to keep myself from being fat again.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Comparisons


Amazing how people can change from one year to the next. I was looking at one of my most prized photos; myself with the lead singer of Sonata Arctica, Tony Kakko. Then I was looking at this picture I took with my cell phone once I bought a new shirt from Hot Topic. I took it because it's got Flap Jack, which is one of the best cartoons I've seen in a loooong time... and I noticed how different my face is. For the better, I think. Seems like I lost weight in my face. It's kind of weird, because scale-wise, I'm around the same. But whatever man, can't look a gift horse in the mouth! One customer who comes in likes to call me Penelope Cruz on account of my weird (very Spanish) nose. Again, no arguing there. If you wanna compare me to a hot Spanish movie star, be my guest. In other news, my plateau is driving me crazy. I've got another show on Friday, and I've got to crack down so I look good for it. REALLY looking forward to this one, even more than the last. While I adore Edguy more than Moonspell, my band's own performance has been even more perfectly planned then last time. I'll be sure to post the video, and if you like you can even watch it live! I'll post the SyncLive link when it gets closer to the big day. Woo!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Oooh, gossip!


So one of the chicks from Baywatch has gained a bit of weight. Not THAT much, mind you.. she's maybe a 12 at most. Depends on her height. Anyway, she's gonna be on Celebrity Fit Club and she made this video. Now it's funny, because the Superficial is a website full of people who make fun of fate people like it's a sport. But for this video, a good 90% of the people posting are saying that they'd STILL hit that, she's not that fat, and the two dudes in the water are way fatter.

I totally agree. I still think the video is funny because of the ending, but damn, if this is what Hollywood is considering super ass fat, then we're in big trouble.

How does this hit me, personally? It hits me pretty badly, because my body is pretty similar to this chick's. I don't have the stomach, but everything else? Yes... which is why when I see those guys reject her, I feel reassured that I'm a huge fat-ass and need to keep trying to lose weight. Even though everyone is all, "Oh you're not fat!" I'll never feel like I'm thin until I'm Baywatch thin.

I was watching that new Comedy Central show, "Secret Girlfriend" (it's terrible) and there was a scene where these girls were playing kickball. I told Willy, "See, that's why I'm jealous of skinny girls. Look how much fun they're having." And he told me it was all in my head, I could totally have that much fun if I wanted to. He doesn't get it. I can NEVER have that much fun, because the entire time I'd be playing, I'd be afraid that some part of me that isn't my boobs would be jiggling, which would lead to people laughing at me. I'm not kidding. I go through every moment of my life afraid that someone is laughing at me for being fat. It's pretty damn taxing, but there you go.

I wish that I could wake up one day and have skinny thighs, and be able to wear shorts and run freely with all of the other giggling pretty girls. Wouldn't that be amazing? Holy shit.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Ah, Wednesday!

So it's Wednesday, that day where I'm home alone with the cat, doing laundry. I always come across the worst decisions on these days... to shower, or not to shower? To shop or not to shop? Mostly I mope around the house, wishing I had a better job, sending resume after resume while watching bad day-time TV. Speaking of which, at least Home Improvement is still on TV! Go Wilson!

I'm pretty much the same today, according to the WiiFit. No gains, no losses. I'm probably going to have to cut a few snacks from my diet that might be stalling me. No more caffeine (!!!), or nuts. I gotta make a grocery store run today, anyway. Only need a few things, like vegetables, and... vegetables!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Meal Planning

One of the most important things to do while dieting is to plan meals. Personally, I'm good at planning meals when I have an endless budget and can buy as many healthy snacks as humanly possible. Why? Because my husband will EAT THEM ALL within less than a week, leaving me with little to use.

I don't fault him for this. I'm GLAD he eats healthy snacks, but he tends to take more at a time than I can account for, so I'm usually left with a pantry full of canned corn and tuna. As it stands, I currently have that, and a few ziploc bags full of meat in the freezer. Also, a large assortment of spices and condiments, as well as nearly empty bags of rice that shall go untouched so long as I have the strength in me to persevere in this weight loss venture.

So really, I gotta get creative. I noticed I had some eggs in the fridge, which are a godsend to Atkins-ites everywhere. This means that tomorrow I'll have egg salad for lunch, and thank god for that. While at work, I tend to go from being contently full, to HOLY MOTHER OF VADER I AM STARVING. It's that painful type of starving that I always try to induce before going to a really amazing restaurant. I haven't done that in a while, but it's basically my inset idea that if I'm going to eat out, I should be painfully starving so that I can truly appreciate the experience. I don't do this while I'm dieting, because that sort of thinking leads to eating from the ever-present free bread basket that seems to be offered in every restaurant from Red Lobster to the Texas Road House.

ANYHOO, my brain tends to associate pain with pleasure. No, I'm not a cutter, but I am the sort of weirdo who likes to feel hungry because I know that the hungrier I am, the less is in my stomach, which makes it appear flatter. Now, how to explain why I enjoy hot wax dripping... maybe that's a post for another day.

Still, every time I get that surge of confidence with the hunger I feel really weird. Because I LOVE eating, but it makes me feel bad. And that intense hunger is usually followed by nausea and headaches, which I must say, are the worst side effects ever. I've passed out twice due to something associated with hunger and heat. Nearly three times, but the third time I managed to keep myself conscious. So I know it's dangerous to starve, which is why I don't do it. But man, sometimes I wish it did! Because it's so tempting to see anorexic chicks, sometimes. They make it look so easy. If I tried to starve myself, my body would probably stall in weight loss for a week before slowly losing one or two pounds before I just died. And I don't wanna die, I just wanna drop ten pounds. Is that too much to ask!?

I suppose it's enough just to be thankful that I weighed a bit less at my last doctor's visit. Ya'll know how those doctor scales are... at least 5+ more than what you weigh back home, right? Well this time, it was only 4+! Which is a step up. Usually when I go there I'm close to 130lbs. o_O This time it said 126, which is definitely an improvement. At home my usual weight is 122.5. This is definitely the plateau I've reached, and I'm working hard to get past it. Sometimes I do, but just a teeny tiny bit, but then it comes back the moment I eat something bad. I know I gotta keep on it, and luckily I have been for a while now, but that needle just isn't budging. I'm willing to bed that upping my exercise would help, but after spending 9 hours a day in a greenhouse, I'm less willing to go for a run if ya catch my drift...

Oh well, we'll see what I can do. I got a good two weeks before my next show, so here's hoping I can lose a few pounds before then.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Oh, you drugs, you...

Yesterday I visited the doctor about my migraines. My doctor is a kindly old lady with a voice like Mrs. Puff and an accent like Paula Dean.

So Paula Puff hears my complaints and gives me an ass-load of pills to try. Pills for my restless legs (won't get those until Monday), Vitamin D for my hair, and three different samples of migraine meds. I was suffering pretty bad by the time I got home, so I decided to take one of the samples before going to work.

We can see where this is going.

I get on the road and feel weird. Really weird. My head is throbbing, my neck is aching, and I feel DRUNK. So I call Willy with slurred speech, and luckily I was driving past his building on the way to work so he demanded I pull over so he could come pick me up. I made it to his building, and lay comatose for a few seconds. Once he got permission to take me home, I was in my passenger's seat, struggling to breathe.

I basically got all of the side effects associated with the pain killer, and NONE of the benefits. My head STILL fucking hurts. So I won't be trying the other ones until my next day off, which is Wednesday. Holy crap what an experience. Reminds me of the anti-depressants I was given, which did nothing but make me sleep for 15 hours. I guess you can't be depressed in your sleep, right?

Anyway, Willy's making me ditch Dr. Paula Puff in favor of a doctor that will actually try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and why I've had the same migraine for two weeks now, instead of giving me an arsenal of pills. It's a good thing I'm not a drug abuser, I tell you what...

Friday, October 2, 2009

That's crap!

Okay, so I have this condition that many people consider crap. It's called "restless leg syndrome". I've had this for a long time, I'm remembering that I've had it since at least high school, and it SUCKS. Most of the time I get it when I go to bed too late, and I'm seriously exhausted. What sucks about it is how it keeps me up at night. What sucks more is that there is no known treatment for it. It's gotten so bad recently that my legs will twitch without me making them. I'm sure they keep Willy up, too.

The pain is weird to describe. It's more like an... ache. Like, if I don't move my legs, I get this horrible horrible ache that won't go away, and the longer I go without moving them, the more crazy I have to move them in order to make them stop aching. I look like I'm possessed, flailing around like a maniac.

From Google Health:

Restless leg syndrome can result in a decreased quality of sleep (insomnia) with subsequent daytime sleepiness, anxiety or depression, and confusion or slowed thought processes from lack of sleep.

Oh yeah, definitely. I can't tell you how little I function without sleep. I'm just crap without my 8 hours, and restless legs wake me up constantly throughout the night. It's the worst! I'll be all comfy, with my cat nuzzled in one arm, and Willy in the other, and then I get the shakes. And my damn legs hurt, and I kick like a crazy person until both my cat and husband abandon their cuddle positions and I have to get up to stretch or walk. And as soon as I lie down again, the ache comes back. It hardly ever stops.

I got a doctor's appointment today for my headache. I'll also be throwing something in about my constant hair loss and restless legs. Yes, you read right. Hair loss. My hair hasn't been thick since middle school, and I lose a ton of full length strands every day. I don't know if it's a vitamin deficiency or what, but I'm really tired of it. Hopefully my doctor can work some magic or something.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Owwwwwwwwwww my head...

I'm finally buckling down and scheduling a doctor's appointment, today. I've gotten a bit sick of waking up with the same headache, just to pop a few ibuprofen to make them go away.

In other news, my bass player isn't coming to practice again tonight. Apparently, he'll be in Florida. Why? Who the hell knows!

As for me, I'll be busily taking care of my headache with yet another round of doctors visits. Last time this happened, I had an MRI which showed nothing. Which I guess is a relief, but I kinda wish they found out why my brain is constantly screaming. My migraines just sorta went away, then. Coincidentally, now that I think about it, they were happening around the same time last year... but I don't FEEL sick with allergies. What, do I get seasonal migraines?? This is fucking retarded.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Lame.

Well here it is, Wednesday. One of my two actual days off, the second being Thursday. What really sucks about working at the place I'm at is the schedule. It's seemingly impossible for me to work a regular Mon-Fri thing, and instead they have me scheduled to work on Saturday AND Sunday. This does NOT work for me. I need to at least have Sunday so that I can practice with my other band, and you know, spend some time with my freaking husband.

Nobody seems to get this. The people in charge don't come in all weekend, because they have lives and families, and I suppose they expect me not to because I'm young. But I just got married and it would be super nice if I could see that guy every so often. This is why I miss working my 9-5. Our schedules were the same. We had our weekends. I never had to worry about whether or not I worked on a Saturday.

This weekend I went to Pennsylvania to see my parents, and holy hell was it tough to just leave early on Saturday. When we had hardly any customers and it RAINED. But I got out at one, so Willy and I made the trek up to see my mom who has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. Just like her dad. Which means that I'm at risk, too. Which sucks. I tried to help my mom out, telling her what food she should avoid, and I can only hope she'll listen to me. Atkins is a no-sugar diet, so I told her all of those rules. The doctor said she should lose weight and such too, so I figure it couldn't hurt. What hurts is that there, right in front of me, is my reason to avoid sugar and bread and all the other crap that makes me fat and could possibly make me diabetic if I don't freaking watch myself. It's a very real situation, considering that I was obese once, and I know it's not impossible for me to go back. I'm an emotional eater and sometimes I eat things because I'm depressed, which, due to this job, happens fairly often.

My boss once told me I have a lot of will-power. I'm not so sure about that. I think that what I have is a lot of fear. I'm afraid of being fat, and I'm afraid of what I will feel like if I remain as fat as I am today. Not that I'm clinically overweight, but I want to know what it's like to be thin. I want to feel that sort of freedom that those girls at the beach in their bikinis feel when they just run around having fun. I've never felt that before in my life, and I'm already 25. When is it going to be my turn?

See, there's that depression popping up again.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Annoying Asthma

My headaches have returned. We're wondering if they're being caused by my Advair, which is solely responsible for making me able to live like a normal human being again. Apparently, %21 of people who take Advair get headaches. I always get them in my forehead, in this one spot right above my right eye. And it's driving me crazy, but which is worse? Headaches, or constant asthma? I'm not talking a little wheezing every so often, I'm talking asthma attacks any time I get an allergic reaction, which happens ALL THE TIME because just about everyone in the universe but me owns a dog and the fur on their clothes makes me sick. Also, breathing things in makes me sick. Also, RAIN. I'm allergic to RAIN. I wouldn't whine so much, because I know it's not life threatening, SO LONG AS I HAVE ADVAIR. But without it, I'm pretty much married to my rescue inhaler, which has stopped working twice, and sent me to the emergency room both times.

I don't wanna suffocate, and I don't want headaches. This sucks so hard.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Oh, for the love of...

So we got a drummer to fill in last night, and he was BRILLIANT. Unfortunately, our bass player didn't show up. Why? "personal things", he texted. Oh, text messaging... when asked to specify, he continued by texting:

"Nigger, why nobody ask Nina when she doesn't show up? We all know how she sounded on that video. It's personal shit."

Okay, first off, this is a big white dude from Herndon VA. Nothing gives him the excuse to use the "n word" in life, or in a text message. Second off, I mean damn! Was I that terrible on the video?? Pardon me for not thinking that I was so horrendous that I should continue to be verbally abused for it for another week. Also pardon me for thinking that he's full of shit. My second band seems to have procured itself a bass player, which is wonderful! Now I'm thinking that my first band will need to do the same thing. Missing practice three weeks before a show with no explanation when we have a new drummer? Bad times. Calling me out on it when I have nothing to do with his absence? Even worse.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Okay, crisis over..

We have someone coming in tonight, to fill in. I'm still in some shock about the whole thing. Apparently, the drummer texted my guitarist and said he couldn't stand my voice. Like, literally said those words. I'm in shock about that, too. Nobody's ever said that about me, yanno? I know people are entitled to their opinion and all, but hot damn. Willy told me not to take it personally, and I'm trying. It's just one of those things that as a musician, I have to live with.

Diet hasn't been going well, lately. It's not that I've been eating a lot of junk, but I haven't been eating a lot of much at all. I'm basically down to one meal a day, due to my schedule, and that meal usually involves carbs. Yes, it's brown rice and "good carbs" but I don't give a damn. So long as I eat this way, I can't lose any more weight, which sucks for me because damn. I -really- want to get back on the track that I was on..

Oh well. Got to focus on my band(s). Especially for this next show, which I swear to god I will be so good in I will make people cry rivers of blood.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Looking to KILL

So sorry I wasn't around for a while, I had to work a good six days straight and the work is mentally draining. I just came home on those nights, cooked, watched TV, and went to sleep. I couldn't draw or anything. I was just mentally exhausted.

Well, I'm a little better now! Except for one tiny little problem... around 12 PM last night, my drummer sent me a text saying he's quitting. You know, four weeks before our next show. He's QUITTING. Because his enthusiasm has dropped. Oh, you poor thing!! Your enthusiasm has dropped so you're leaving the rest of us high and dry! What a dick. So now I have to scramble to find at least a fill in. I know what the guys are gonna want to do... they're gonna want to throw in the towel and cancel the show. It's gotten to the point where I want to too, but FUCK do I hate quitting gigs. I'm just so frustrated at this point. What kind of a selfish asshole would leave his band a few weeks before a show because of "lack of enthusiasm"? It makes me want to scream.

We're having a "band meeting" tonight, ugh.. I don't know what to do anymore. Fucking drummers are selfish asshole drama queens. Except the dude in the other band I'm in, he's freaking awesome. But we need some work before we'll be gig-ready. Oh, and we need a BASS PLAYER... but for now, Blood Corps is a priority because of these shitty breaks we've been getting.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The pain... the pain of it all!

Due to the intense shame that I feel for eating condensed soup from a can and other bad-for-you things while I've been sick, I'm limiting this post to photos of me! See, Brendan Wu is this bad-ass photographer who never fails to deliver some bad-ass photos at my show. So now you get to check out his awesome work! ...featuring me!




Monday, September 14, 2009

Stupid sick!!

So, sorry about no updates since the show. I am stupid sick with a cold, and admittedly ashamed of the fact that since we gotta wait until our next paycheck to buy groceries, we're living off of what's left in the house. Which means... brown rice and chicken! And... some spinach? Is that a can of baby clams!?

Anyhoo, here's my band playing at Jaxx last Friday! The sound is... weird. It seems the mics were plugged directly into the camera, so, you can hear ME, but not so much the rest of the band. XD Usually I'm REALLY hard to hear.


Watch this show and more at SyncLive.com

Friday, September 11, 2009

Oh my gooooooooodness!!

Okay, so tonight is gonna be a big night. Tonight, my band opens for Edguy, one of my favorite metal bands of all time. If all goes well (which it hardly ever does), I'll be arriving at 5 with my roadies to park in the back with the buses. HOPEFULLY it won't rain, which means we'll get to load and unload on time. On time is such a silly thing to hope for, when doing shows. Things hardly ever start on time, due to flaky bands and buses that break down, but we'll see. The show should start at 8, with one of my favorite local metal bands, Eternal Winter. The first time I saw them, they were opening for Sonata Arctica, and I squealed every time their lead vocalist did high notes. I can't wait to see them again!!

Only issue I have with shows nowadays is deciding what I want to wear. Having such an unusual body shape, it's hard to find clothes that fit the right way. I have a short torso, a wide rib cage, wide hips, and a small waist. Oh, and a ginormous butt. As you can see from this photo, it's a little hard for me to find pants that won't completely fall apart. Pants are built for tall people, and even if I buy them in "short" (which I can rarely do...) they have these long torsos that reach my belly button!! It's pretty frustrating, because when they're fit to accommodate my giant thighs and butt, they're also fit for someone with a gut. Which I no longer have. So I've got all this leftover fabric in my waist that goes all the way up to my belly button, or worse, PAST my belly button like an old man. Which means I'll push them down to fit my hips, but now they're all baggy in the crotch and butt area and I'm screwed all over again. I'm talking about a specific pair of LEATHER PANTS here... a pair I got for a steal, which are now way too big, but gaddamn it I wanna wear them at least ONCE!! I have nothing else to wear, really. Since Willy destroyed my fishnet pantyhose (TMI? Anyone?) I can't wear a skirt. And my black bondage pants don't fit at the hips, so I can't wear those either.

Oh, the woes of a metal singer... it's not easy looking good on stage. You can tell, because I hardly every do!! But tonight I hope that I can. I'll be wearing my evil coat, with evil gloves and evil boots. And hopefully, if I wear a classy button down shirt (with the bewbies slightly exposed), I'll be able to pull off the oversized leather pants. We'll see. Either way, I'm so freaking excited about tonight!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Fun night! With 0 guilt!

Well last night was awesome. I got to meet fellow blogger, Fat Daddy, who was here in my neck of the woods on "business" (hint: he's a secret agent). It was a good time all around, and man, is it ever AWESOME to hang out with someone who understands the struggles of weight loss in a restaurant, because those are the places where I tend to lose control. It's always so easy to, when all of my friends are urging me to "eat real food".

Well it started off by me urging my husband Willy out of his office, and discovering that he has our change jar emptied and spread out on one of the tables in his office. Apparently, him and his office-mate have been using the coins to draw pictures. ANYWAY, I took him to the Metro, and we walked up to the hotel to meet FD. We were a little early, and Willy was cranky because #1 he was in DC (he hates the city passionately), and #2 he had to walk. See, my darling was born with a club foot, and he hates walking. I try to get him to do a LITTLE walking, since no exercise would only make his muscles worse, but it makes him cranky every time.

So there we are, sitting outside of the hotel, and I urged him to play "eye spy". It was hilariously morbid.

Me: I spy with my little eye, something that starts with.... H.
Willy: ...hell.

Luckily, FD showed up quickly and off we went! Willy's mood tends to shift once we meet friends, so as soon as we got talking, his mood immediately lifted. FD was great company, we chilled out and drank a little at a nice Italian place. I had one glass of wine. ONE. It was so small, I'd call it a 2/3rds glass. And I STILL got tipsy. That's when I really started talking (sorry, FD!!) about fellow bloggers, weight loss, and METAL. Eventually Willy got super hungry so we ordered food, and I was so giddy (what a nerd) when I realized that the lettuce on my salad was the same variety that I grow! How chic am I.

FD was a good date. We walked him back to his hotel and said our goodbyes, and then Willy and I walked cheerfully back to the Metro! ..well, maybe not so cheerfully. All of the walking, combined with the low pressure, had Willy in a ton of pain on his foot. Stupid weather. Well, we rode the Metro home and went right to sleep. He felt good about the whole thing, after the fact. It was a nice night out, something that we NEVER do, and we were both glad to meet someone cool that we'd never met, before.

And I was totally good, last night. That's always a plus! I just gotta remember to beware the red wine. Gets to my head EVERY TIME.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I blame you!

That's right, I blame YOU. You meaning me. I blame me for the disaster that happened this weekend, which may or may not have involved me binging. And my husband saying it was alright, because "you haven't had it in a long time!". Bull shite, darling. It doesn't work that way. I haven't spoken of this travesty, which might have happened at the aforementioned party I went to on Sunday. What sucks is that I had done SO WELL, earlier.. but then they broke out the smores and all hell broke loose. Did I mention that chocolate seems to run through my veins?

Anyhow, I didn't gain anything, but it's stalled my loss. Probably from all of the sugar coursing through my bloodstream... and now I'm trying to get off of the stuff. I'm at home, today. Which means that I am in complete control of what does and does not go in my mouth. Man, I wish my husband could hear me say that out loud. Ha!

I'll be going out this evening with the husband, into the perilous and temporarily rainy city of DC. I love my DC, we'll be getting drinks and saying hello to a friend who's in town, and thank GOD this friend is also dieting because it will destroy all temptation. I'd like to go to the gym, today, but I seem to have rendered my shoulders useless after carrying a bunch of newly delivered house plants yesterday. That counts as exercise, right?? Lifting heavy boxes of plants?? Well it had better, because I'm sure as hell sore about it now.

On the bright side, we got in new orchids! I've never seen a lady's slipper orchid, before. They're FREAKY looking. They have HAIR. One of the coolest things about working in a green house is all the neat plants I get to see. This is certainly one of the neatest, and I wish that I didn't live in this stupid studio more and more because damn would that look cool on a table! ..somewhere! In my imaginary house!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Progress

Okay, enough bitching about not being skinny! Today I'd like to give a little congrats where it's due, to someone who will probably never read this blog.

For the past few weeks, I've been giving swimming lessons to my boss' kid. He's the cutest little thing, with blue eyes and curly hair, just like my Willy. Now, when we started, he couldn't float. He was scared to go to the deep end. Now he swims like a fish and we're working on his freestyle form! Hell yeah, it's awesome to see him able to actually swim, and I feel proud of two people; him, and me.

Why am I proud of me, you ask?

Well, not so much for the lessons. The lessons were fun and I like teaching, so that's less a matter of pride. What I'm proud of is the fact that I am able to wear my swimsuit in public. I think it's more a mind thing than a weight thing, too. I still have jiggly cottage-cheese thighs (which I cover partially with a skirted bikini bottom), but, I guess having to be in a swimsuit a few times has boosted my confidence. I don't run screaming from the pool anymore, hurray!

I have a party to go to today, and I'm a little scared. My friends throwing it aren't really weight conscious, and they're gonna have standard party food. You know.. chips, hot dogs, ect.. so I'm bringing a salad. Salad with lettuce I grew myself! Hopefully I won't be laughed at. Or nagged. This usually happens around my friends. That, and the terrible diet advice. Like, "eat a grapefruit every day and you'll lose weight!". Ugh... sometimes I hate parties.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Constant Reminders

Hooo boy... nothing reminds me that I need to lose weight more than a visit to a bar or a club! Had to go down to the place where my band usually plays ( Jaxx, for those of you who don't know ) and pick up the tickets that my band has to sell for our upcoming show with Moonspell. Well, we got there, I spoke to the dude in front, said hello to the folks I knew there, and he told me to wait a few while he asked "the big guy" to get my tickets. So I waited outside with the hubby while people filtered in and out of the club. It wasn't a very busy night, Doro was playing but I guess she's not bringing in crowds these days. And yanno that's sad, because I really like her and her music. I think she's a good representation of a chick who's bad ass, but doesn't have to slut it up for a crowd. Now, I'm facing this crossroads where I'm still working on my stage persona. Some days I think I want my hair straight, and to wear heels and lipstick.. other days I want to wear ripped jeans and big boots.. then sometimes I mix it all up with my steampunk getup.. and I dunno, yanno? Chicks in metal just don't look like me. They're all skinny. Everything they wear looks good!!

I don't have that luxury. I have HUGE hips, a wide ribcage, tiny boobs, and I'm short. S-H-O-R-T. Today I was reminded of how short I was when I saw a chick walk in with a black mini-skirt and cowboy boots, with looooong legs and such a skinny frame that her hip bones were jutting out of her sides. And holy GOD was I jealous of those hip bones. I saw my reflection in the door and saw all 121.9 lbs of myself and wanted to smack myself for those stolen spoon fulls of rice (5 in all) I
had, today. I felt so incompetent. And annoyed that I feel this way! Holy crap, I am not a whale, but compared to all these skinny bitches with their mini skirts and stomach-bearing shirts and the fact that I starve myself just to look the way I do now?? It's unbearable. Here's an example of what I look like, on stage.

I wore this outfit a few months ago, in Baltimore. Not my most dressed-up event, but it was summer-time and it was SUPER hot, so I didn't want to wear my coat or anything else that would bog me down. I look at myself in these pictures and I feel like I'm not good enough, compared to other females in metal. All of them have these personas, where they wear leather (well!) and have big boobs and they're skinny and hot.. and I'm just trying not to look fat. It's just not an even competition to me. All the while, I'm making sure I SOUND good, which really should be the priority. And don't get me wrong, people. It is. The way I sound is more important than any of this vanity, but I can't help but fear for the day when I see a nice blurb online about how my band would be great if their singer wasn't such a fat-ass.

Weekends

I think that one of the biggest hurdles in losing weight is getting through weekends. The weekend is where people hang loose, have fun, and relax. Hard to do that when everyone around you is eating junk food and you're confined to salad. But Saturday is almost over and I can safely say that I've been very good; one slice of sugar free low carb bread, some low carb peanut butter, and a bowl of shrimp I cooked myself. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing for dinner, but it may involve chicken breasts.

I'm getting a little tired of cooking chicken breasts, but that's what you get when you buy a bag of them at Costco.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Memories of fat

Okay, so here's something that I think a lot of people who have lost weight must go through.. do you ever get this alien feeling somewhere on your body? Like something is strange and not right? Like something is maybe missing?

I get this a lot, nowadays. As I've said before, I'm not one of those people who used to be skinny. I have never been skinny. I have grown up fat, with rolls, and pudge, and cellulite. In fact, I can't remember not being ashamed of my body, but I think it started somewhere around the 3rd grade when another girl at the pool told me that I looked pregnant.

Yeah, that was awkward.

Anyway, it feels strange now not to have a gut. Don't get my wrong, my stomach is not flat or anything, and when I sit down I still have very grabbable pudge. But I remember sitting down and seeing them extend against my thighs. I remember being able to grab them and move them around (isn't this hot?) and I remember having three of them. Nowadays, when I stand, I still have a tummy, but, it doesn't extend farther than maybe half an inch. It's a little curve. It's not a freaking beer gut, which I got not from drinking beer, but probably soda. I remember sucking it in AT ALL TIMES. You know what I'm talking about... most of the people who grow up fat have strong abs because we keep them tight ALWAYS. I've noticed that women who grow up skinny and then gain weight later walk around with their bellies out, which makes me scream in my head: "Why doesn't she just suck it in??" I guess it's different for them. If I were to walk around without sucking it in, I'd be close to flat, but not enough for me to do it. In fact, the idea gives me anxiety.

But one of the things that I look forward to the most in losing this weight is the day when I will be able to walk around WITHOUT having to suck it in. When I can finally... relax. To give you a clue as to what I mean, I have not "relaxed" in public since.. um... I guess the 3rd grade. I don't remember what it's like to relax in public. I don't know how it feels to just sit down and not have to worry about an escaping lump of pooge waiting to escape my tireless effort to keep my abs tight, and I have no idea how it feels not to constantly hold it in. And swimsuits!? Don't even think about it. I hate them. I hate myself in them. I go to the ends of the world to escape the eyes of people I know so that when I DO wear one, they won't see me in it. I am so ashamed of my thighs that I wear one of those little skirts on my swimsuit. Do I feel like I'm in my 60's when I do this? Yes. But damned if I am ready for the world to see my horrible cellulite again. And stretch marks. Which I've had since middle school.

My memories of being fat are often combined with my current fat. It sucks to remember that I used to be bigger, and have a mini celebration, while constantly reminding myself that it's not enough and I still have a ways to go. But right now, it kinda feels weird not having the gut which followed me around for years and years and years. Weird, but I like it.

Today's weigh in (according to the WiiFit) has me at 121.9. So... I am getting there. I think.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Objectifying women... for a good cause!

Something that's been annoying me lately have been ads that objectify women... for good causes.

Now, before I vent, let me make it perfectly clear that I love naked chicks. Love them! I often dress pretty risque for photo shoots and I have no issue with chicks being proud of their bodies. What I do have a problem with is the message that a lot of these objectifying ads are sending. The latest ad that has fueled my rage is this one here of Kim Zolciak, going basically topless for... gay marriage?? Ugh. Now I get the fact that they're doing this shit for attention, but what boggles my brain is, do they really think that getting almost naked is going to get people to change their minds about gay marriage? Do they really think that being a camera slut is going to change the world for the better? It just doesn't make any sense in my brain... but the ones I hate even more are the PETA ads. It's no secret that they're using sex to try to get media attention, which in my opinion, is not helping their cause.

They want to help animals, so they're posing naked for magazines. They try to influence people into going vegan by claiming that eating meat makes you tired, ugly, fat, impotent, sad, and anything else that the public does not want to be. Meanwhile, they hand out tofu-dogs while having models wear bikinis made of lettuce, and get various celebrities to pose nude for ads that will be printed on everything from magazines, to Metro cars.

And you know what's worse?? Their "vegeterians make better lovers" campaign, which is not only bullshit, but horrendously offensive. Their entire campaign is based on the idea that being a vegan is sexier. So they put up half naked chicks making out with one another. Well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I happen to know that vegan diets can have just as much saturated fat and excess carbs as any other way of eating, and besides that, it is EASIER to get fat while you're eating vegan because vegan products tend to be higher in excess carbs and sugar than normal products! Eating vegan doesn't automatically make you skinny, or attractive, or magically make your sex life better. And by the way, how the hell is this helping animals?? I'd like to meet the shallow dumb-ass who went vegan as a result of seeing a naked chick on a billboard tell him to. And then I'd like to punch him in the face.

They say that meat eaters are more violent. That we are less gentle. Well, I'll openly admit it. I am not that gentle. However, my problem isn't with vegans. It's with PETA. PETA is a cancer on American society that makes vegans look bad. I went vegan during Lent for religious purposes, and I was on a vegetarian diet during my trip to Rome. I got no problem with not eating meat, but, for the love of all that makes sense, don't try to tell me that not eating meat will suddenly make me amazing. And don't abuse freedom of expression to put up soft core porn to influence people based on facts that you made up.

Last but not least, my ancestors lived off of animals for thousands of years, and they were praised by Europeans as being healthy and fit. So don't tell me that eating meat makes you ugly and fat, because anyone with a brain knows that it's not only untrue, but stupid. So go eat your Soy Joy, put a damn shirt on, and get the hell offa my lawn.