Friday, December 19, 2008

Native American Eating

Throughout my time dieting, I've learned a lot of things about how my body responds to certain food. Processed sugar? Bad. Bread? Bad. I started doing a little research a while back, and realized that my dad might have given me more than just good hair. I might have inherited my mom's tiny bone structure, but my dad gave me his digestive system. I blame this system for my inability to be thin while eating pasta, but, after reading a bit about Native Americans and the diet that they ate, I can understand why.

I found an awesome page called Guts and Grease that explains what the Native Americans ate, and how we've screwed them over by making Western foods more available than the type of food they were used to. An interesting fact:

They are 2.6 times more likely to have diabetes than non-Hispanic whites of similar age. ((From Native American Diabetes by David Mendosa))

So knowing this, look at what type of food we can get for cheap. Bread, milk, things Natives weren't really used to, but most people would consider healthy. An awesome quote from Guts and Grease:

Modern food writers who assure us we can enjoy the superb health of the American Indian by eating low fat foods and canned fruits have done the public a great disservice. The basis of the Indian diet was guts and grease, not waffles and skimmed milk.

I agree completely. So while I look weird when I eat my beans and meat with fat and such, don't think that it's some hokey weird-ass diet. I'm going back to my roots, and not surprisingly, I'm losing fat doing it.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


I've gotten past the idea of being an anonymous blogger. I doubt many people read this, but those who do know exactly who I am. I've read pro ana blogs where they have to be anonymous because they're worried someone will find out who they are and put them in a hospital for their eating disorder. I'm not that bad with mine, so I don't have that fear. If there's others out there who go through things similar to me, I want them to know they're not alone. I'm not just some imaginary person on the internet, I'm out there working every day and playing my music. I'm not going to go away because I'm not going to let this disorder get the better of me. I refuse to let it own me, like some ana girls really really want. It's painful to live this way, but in my case, it's not fatal and it won't become fatal. So I'm not going to hide this blog, or my face.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Spain and Christmas

Around this time of year, I start remembering my grandmother. She died when I was in college, and I never really knew her, but her loss impacted me more than I ever imagined. Suddenly, we didn't get any fantastic Christmas packages from Spain. My uncle sends a few things, but not like my grandmother did. She'd pack us turron (almond candy), chesnuts, wine (from our vineyard), chocolate, olives, and there would be so much of it it would last us several months. I remember not really liking the turron, but now, as I've grown older, I suddenly have cravings for it. Maybe it's because I haven't had it in several years.

My grandmother died around Christmas time. In Spain, we celebrate the Epiphany, which is in January. I went to Spain during this time to see her in the hospital. It sucked having the entire country be happy while my family was going through the worst possible thing we could ever imagine. My mom never really got allong with her mom, but she took care of her more than anyone else. The first thing my mom did after coming to America was spend her hard-earned money to buy my grandparents new furniture. They being pretty well off as land owners, it was no big deal, but to my mom it was everything. Anyhow, my mom stuck by my grandmother until after the Epiphany. My grandmother had an annurism so they thought she might pull through. About a week after my mom returned home, she flew back to Spain. Made (pronounced mah-day), had another one, and she wouldn't recover. They pulled the plug, and she died a day after my mom got there.

Like I said, I never really knew my grandmother, but I realize now how much her loss impacted my family. My dad, being an indian and somewhat of a rarity in my mom's tiny town, was deeply saddened by the lady who never once showed any sort of racism towards him that the rest of Europe did. My mom, while she had complained about neglect as a kid, fell into a depression that only recently has begun to lift. My uncles became even bigger assholes, fighting over their inheritance, and one of them even threatened my mother with leaving my grandfather to his own devices if she didn't sign over her own inheritance. I never asked her if she did this or not, since he's the brother who lives with my grandfather, and takes care of him, and my mom can't do that. I hope she didn't, but I'd understand if she did.

To me, I remember a few things about my grandmother, nameley the time I was offended when she called me "morena" (dark skin and hair), because I was too dumb and young to realize it was no big deal. Then, during my high school goth phase, when I was putting on black lipstick, and she made a scared face after seeing me. I laughed, but I felt awkward at the time. We didn't speak eachothers language, but she communicated with me enough that I knew she loved me.

I've had this overwhelming need to go to Spain, for the past few months. Getting ready to marry Noj has made me realize how much I miss my own second home. His whole family is here, mine isn't. More than anything, I miss the atmosphere. The heat during the summer, the view of the mountains, the endless stars at night, the smell of chickens and rabbits in the back yard. I miss the cooking, because holy shit, my family can cook. My mom is an aweful cook, but for some reason when she is in Spain, she seems to communicate with my grandmother's spirit and manages to cook the most amazing food imaginable. You can't get that kind of stuff in the US, not even imported, because it doesn't grow here and it tastes shitty if it's not fresh. My eating disorder makes it impossible for me to enjoy any of these memories, because they're coupled with guilt. In my family, food is life, food is love. To me, food is torture. So love and life go hand in hand with torture, making my memories of Spain worse than they should be.

I miss it so much. I'd give anything to take Noj there, to show him where I come from, and why I love it so much. I have a feeling through, that I won't be able to for another few years. That much is about as depressing as my weight.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Body Dysmorphia

Sometimes when I feel depressed, I count my blessings. This becomes harder and harder as I not only save up for a wedding while working on moving to another apartment, and I work on ridding myself of an eating disorder. The eating disorder is harder to deal with, since it's coupled with paranoia. Oftentimes, I think the world is against me, and that people only compliment me because they don't know any better, or they're just trying to be nice. I often feel like everyone is lying to me. I even feel that way about my fiance, even though I know it isn't true. The problem is that when you have body dymorphic disorder, you constantly think about your appearence, and you constantly think it is different from the way it very well may be.

At the moment, I am a "normal" weight. However, I will never see that. I will always see myself as extremely overweight and unattractive, which is why I've been so depressed lately. Money issues have forced my fiance and I to eat rather cheaply, which in turn makes me depressed. I've gained maybe five pounds, having to eat this way. My fiance disagrees, but I can feel it. And I'm so upset about it that it makes me sick of doing just about everything. I don't want to go out or talk to people, like I usually would. It's very crippling. The worst part is that sometimes, I don't know if I'm right or not. I don't know if I'm actually hungry, or if I'm just depressed. If I'm full, or just denying myself food. If I've gained weight, or if I just feel as if I have.

One thing is certain, I can't wait until I finally get my first paycheck from this job. I've had to wait a month before I get my first one, which forces me to depend on my fiance until then. I hate that feeling, but I am grateful that he is there for me. In the meantime, I have to suck it up and eat what we have. Even if it makes me sick.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

A change in plans...

For the past five months, I've been planning a wedding. My dream was to get married at St. Matthew's Cathedral, and to have a nice reception at a hotel closeby. On Sunday, Willy and I came to a conclusion that would ultimately result in the wedding of my dreams. I was happy for all of 24 hours.

Yesterday, my dreams came crashing down when I was notified that my roommates were suddenly moving out. Apparently, her company is moving to Maryland, and she needs the job so she will follow them. She and her boyfriend (who has lived with us for over a year, for free) will probably move to his mom's house or some such deal. This all came conveniently as the month ended, when they promised they would have a car. They have been carless for over a year, requiring Willy and myself to drive them every morning around 6 AM, and for Willy to spend late hours at work waiting to pick them up.

So all of a sudden, they're moving out. This means that unless we can find a roommate to take their place, we'll have to move to a smaller apartment. Breaking the lease and putting a deposit on another apartment means $400 extra from us, plus, more money towards rent. We'll be able to afford a studio apartment, but we won't be getting cable, and I'm going to try braving the cold by wearing more layers so we don't use too much heat. All of this while I'm trying to plan our wedding.

Last night I decided that I might as well change our plans. Instead of the big wedding of my dreams, I'm going to ask Father Joe if we can get married at his church instead, Holy Family. It's an adorable little church in Maryland, and it has a reception hall. Probably out 100 guests will fill the place out completely. Well, that's honestly not so bad. We visited Father Joe in August, and it was absolutely beautiful there. Since our wedding is in July, I'm hoping that it will be a pretty day, with bright sunshine and no clouds. I'm hoping.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Bad tidings and then possibly good ones

So last Friday, I was let go from my job. Their reasons made absolutely no sense, especially considering how well I had been doing for the past month. I understand what happened, however. I've got chronic illness and for a job that requires me to be peppy and happy and energetic every single day, being sick makes me incapacitated. I missed one of my classes due to this. However, I think that my constant sickness was considered a liability, so they decided to let me go for reasons that sounded like they were being made up on the fly. For example, my "casual dress". And showing up for work late. Saying this to someone who has never been late to start a class, and who went out of her way to purchase a brand new work-wardrobe, is quite insulting.

But there's no need to get angry. The fact is, I've got a second interview tomorrow where I've been asked to bring in a CD of my latest work, as well as my portfolio. The lady I'm in contact with seems very interested in bringing me on, and finally, it is for the type of job I've always wanted. An art and animation job. I'd finally be an artist! Now, my first job was technically as an artist... but this is a better one!! I'm very excited about tomorrow, and I'll be sure to wake up extra early, and try to get in a morning run before heading out to meet them at 10AM.

This week I began my diet anew, because I've been heavily depressed for the past several months and was just eating whatever was convenient. Luckily I haven't gained any weight, but, I know I will if I continue down this road. Also, unhealthy food choices aren't going to help my future spouse, so I put us both on a diet. It's not a horrible diet, I promise. I'm not torturing the poor man (although he disagrees), but I am making every single one of our meals myself, regardless of how much this takes out of my day. It's a small price to pay for a thinner waist and peace of mind, and lemme tell you, peace of mind is hard to come by sometimes.

Studio recording is going very well, and I'm proud to announce that our EP should be done by January. WHEW. It has taken forever, but given our busy schedules, that's just how it is. I tend to finish one song per session, so I've done two out of the four songs we've recorded. I'm really excited about the product, it's seriously going to be beautiful.

Still doing lots of wedding planning, including finding a suitable reception venue. It's not as easy as it sounds when you're on a budget like ours, but, I have faith.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


I've been so lazy about blogging, lately. What with the economy crash, the election, the work force, and everyone is just INSANE about what is going on with our government, I've been having a hell of a time keeping up with the news.

What has been going on with me? Well, Blood Corps opened up for Edguy and Kamelot last week, which was the most beautiful performance we've ever had. I was so proud to be a member of my band, so proud to perform with my guys, so proud to be a musician. Our EP should be finished by December, but we had a minor set-back last week when I got a major allergy attack and was just SICK. Sick as all HELL, for the entire weekend. This week I've been fine, so I'll be back in the recording studio next Saturday to pump out another song. We've got three left (only 4 songs on the EP) and I tend to be able to do one per session.

Work has ben good, I've had some insanely good classes, but it's hard to keep up my energy all day. So I've resorted to using lots and lots of caffeine, which is probably bad for me, but at this point I don't care. I like my high scores, and I intend on keeping them. This weekend, for the first time in like.. months? I've got a free weekend. Completely free. It's... almost frightening. On Saturday, Willy is taking me to see Saw V, which is a tradition we've had since we first started dating.

A new Saw movie for every year we've been together. I hope they never stop making them.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Looks > Talent

Okay, so someone posted this on one of the forums that I frequent:

BEIJING — One little girl had the looks. The other had the voice.
So in a last-minute move demanded by one of China's highest officials, the two were put together for the Olympic opening ceremony, with one lip-synching "Ode to the Motherland" over the other's singing.

Apparently, some idiots decided that the girl with the talent wasn't cute enough to actually have her singing seen. So they hired another kid to lip sync it for her. How fucking lame is that? I am appaled. I can remember going through shit like this when I was in elementary school, when I was accepted into all of the honors choirs, got all of the solos and started working professionally as a singer as a child... and still was tormented by my peers for being the fat kid.

Gimme a goshdamn break, people. We should be past this already. China is not going to look bad because the kid singing has a few crooked baby teeth. China is going to look bad when you replace her, shoot your own citizens, and run your country with a ragime that you refuse to admit hurts more than it helps.

Seriously, fuck you China.

Full story here:

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


So I'm now involved in a podcast over at The podcast involves myself and several other dorksas we review movies, comics, ect. Our first issue is rather convoluted and crazy, with myself and Rob getting into an argument around the tail end of what is WAY TOO LONG a podcast. Last night's recording however, was much better.

Except that halfway through, Willy kept messing with my computer, resulting in me squealing in the background while someone tried to soldier on through his comic book review. Sorry, guy.

Anyhoo, there's a link to the podcast in my links section, so if you're a fellow dork, go ahead and check it out! It's kinda fun, but no worries; better shows lie in waiting.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Finally, an update!

So I've been gone for a while, and for this I apologize. I spent the this week teaching, and the week before that I was in South Carolina with my fiancé. Yup, you read me right! Willy has gone from being my boyfriend of 4.5 years to my fiancé. He proposed at a place called The Crab Shack in Myrtle Beach, which, despite it's name, was actually a rather lovely classy place. After he proposed with his mother's engagement ring, we both drank champagne. I kept one of the tiny bottles.

My ring is beautiful. It was half as much as he was going to spend on a ring, because the more expensive a ring is, the more the cram it with big diamonds. I have tiny hands, so big diamonds look awful. Besides that, all of the designs were very ugly. My ring is pretty and stylized, with a nice design on the sides so it looks beautiful from every angle, not just the top.

Right now, we're working on planning the wedding. And by "we" I mean "I". I don't mind or anything, wedding planning is turning out to be one of the most fun things I've ever done. I get to decide on what my bridesmaids wear, where we host the wedding and the reception, what we'll be eating, how we'll decorate, all that stuff. Then ask Willy if it's okay, which it usually ends up being. I plan on wearing a dress with red in it, and having my bridesmaids wear red, while the men wear black tuxes with orange vests. The theme of the wedding is warm colors. There will be bright reds and yellows and oranges everywhere. Wherever we host the reception, I have to make sure that they can make paella and good sangria. My band is going to play for the ceremony, so despite the fact that it will be in a HUGE Catholic church ( St. Matthews Cathedral ; where JFK had his funeral ), it will also have a little bit of us in it.

Sometimes I think about what it will be like to be married, and I get scared. This is going to tie me to someone else's life until we're both dead. I will never be able to date again. Then I think... I haven't dated in 4.5 years. Have I really missed it that much? And, would I be happy if I didn't have Willy?

The answer is no. The thought of not having him is one of the scariest thoughts I've ever had. We almost broke up once, and it nearly destroyed me.

So, I'm very happy that he wants me to be his wife. I plan on being one of those old couples who are still in love, even after years and years and years. I want him beside me, when my band makes it big, and to be a good daddy to my kids someday in the very very VERY distant future. I want him to be jealous when other men flirt with his hot-ass wife. And now, I get to actually plan for it.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

This one's for you, kid

So I've noticed that throughout the years, my stance on religion and what is right and what is wrong has never really changed. I think I've got the same beliefs I had when I was five, which is that treating everyone with kindness and respect is the best way to praise God. Now, take into consideration, I don't care if anyone else believes this or not. My friends range from athiests, to wiccans, to Buddhists, and there's even a Satanist in there. Does that make any difference? No. Because again.. same beliefs that I had when I was five.

So when I found out what gay people were, I was like 10. I was like, huh. So it's okay for me to think boobies are hot? I could be gay? The whole "being gay is evil" thing never occurred to me, because again, those same 5 year old beliefs existed to me.

I gave this some consideration. I've been pretty artistically obsessed with boobs since I was little, and the more I drew the more I focused on women. Okay, I thought. Maybe I'm gay. Then I became a teenager and the boys happened. I found myself not attracted to any girls, and instead discovered the joy of boys. The more I dated, the more the truth was reinforced. Nope, totally not gay.

Even through college! With all the crazy drunken parties and lesbian showcases some of my friends did, I felt cool about the fact that maybe, MAYBE I'm gay. Or at least bi. How was it possible to not be, when I loved the female body so much?? It was hot and beautiful and perfect. Men are awkward. Women are curvy. It makes sense, right? Totally gay? Bi? Anything?

Nope. Totally straight. I've resigned myself to the fact that I am, in fact, completely straight. I do appreciate a woman's body, but that's pretty much as far as it goes. I prefer to draw women, I'm not shy of women, and that's all there is to it. How anticlimactic, huh?

Now for men.........

Check this out.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Yeah. I know.

Well it's been a while since I've done a costume, but hell, this one was too good to pass up. Watching a recent episode of the Venture Bros., I became inspired to dress in Dr. Mrs. The Monarch's new costume. I've already bought the boots, the wig, the gloves, and the leotard. Once it's all here, all I have to do is assmble that baby and bam! Dr. Mrs. The Monarch for Otakon, and maybe DragonCon. Willy and Craig are gonna be my minions. I'm pretty excited about dressing up again, plus it gives me motivation to stick to my diet. The last thing I need is to look fat in thigh high boots, yanno? But I'm 121lbs right now, so by August maybe I'll be down a few more pounds. We'll see. Either way, this should be a fantastic costume.

Monday, July 7, 2008

The best opera ever

Okay, so I was talking to my roommate in the car this morning, and we were discussing the best opera ever. Or rather, I was telling her about my dream opera. My dream opera would be a movie, because you can do a lot with film that you can't do on stage. In said dream opera, I would play the title role, and the other roles would be held by the most influential vocalists and producers I've known. So the casting would go something like...

Carmen by Georges Bizet
Directed by Guillermo DelToro


Carmen, A Gypsy Girl: Nina Osegueda (Reasons: I'm Spanish, I'm a mezzo soprano/alto, and.. come on. It's me.)

Don José, Corporal of Dragons: Fabio Lione (Reasons: Fabio Lione is an amazing classical vocalist. He's Italian, so opera is natural to him. Having heard him in Rhapsody of Fire, plus his solo projects, I am so impressed and turned on by his voice that I think he'd make the sexiest Corporal of Dragons EVER. Plus, I mean, 50% of his songs involve dragons.)

Escamillo, Toreador: Gackt (Reasons: Okay, it's Gackt. He gets to play a role where everyone loves him.. plus, wear sequins. I can imagine the conversation with the casting director;

Casting Director: So in the role of Escamillo, you will play a toreador who is beloved by all.
Gackt: And do I get to wear sequins? And tight pants?
Casting Director: As a matter of fact, both are required for this role.
Gackt: *tents fingers* This is acceptable.)

So there you have it. My dream opera. The other roles aren't really that important (STFU Micaëla..) and despite the fact that this will never happen, a woman can dream. And plot. Because hey, if my band makes it big, who knows? The sky is the limit! Shit, maybe I can ask Don Murphy to be the producer, so our budget will be as big or equal to the ammount of ego this cast would have..

Friday, July 4, 2008

Stupidity crises ended.

Okay, I was stupid. Very stupid.

I'm eating again, starting today with some nice zucchini and beef. I spent the day relaxing and trying to figure out why I'm so tired, and figure it must be due to my eating habits/sleeping habits. Well, I went to the gym first thing this morning, ran my two miles, then went back home and made an omelet with peppers. Then I spent the rest of the day lounging/drawing to try and settle myself, but it didn't work. When Willy came home, I did dinner.

Tomorrow should be fun, Sako's coming over and we're gonna go to the pool and chill for the day. I hope it's sunny.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

That weightless feeling

So yesterday, I blacked out after class was over. I know why it happened, but I don't like thinking that the things I do are serious problems. Either way, I ate last night. The problem is that the events that led up to it were very enlightening.

First, there was the blacking out. I've passed out before, and I don't like how it feels, BUT... there is also the feeling beforehand. That weightless feeling that you get when you haven't eaten for days. When I get that feeling, I become aware of everything. I'm aware of my stomach, which is so much smaller. My hip bones, which I can feel pressing against my clothes now. I can feel my collar bones, my fingertips, and my ribs.

Then I look into a reflective surface and see those damn thighs. These legs that keep shrinking, but are STILL fat. And I feel good because I'm feeling so light and light-headed and I'm telling myself "keep it up, and they will be gone forever".

But then when I got home, I couldn't play Age of Conan. I was so exhausted I just fell on my bed. I tried to eat some of my "diet" food but I couldn't. So, after some coaxing and some reading, I said fuck it and ordered a pizza. Two slices later I felt better, but, that feeling of weightlessness was gone. Like now, it's gone. And I'll have to work my way back to it, but, if I do, I'll get weak and tired again. Which is okay, since this is the weekend... but when I teach, that weightlessness is agony. I feel like I'm floating, and any minute my legs will give out.

Price to pay for not feeling the guilt and shame associated with eating.

My pants are all loose, now. I need new clothes.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008


Do I leave my class and grab lunch, wasting 20 minutes of my precious hour long lunch break on food? Or do I sit here and study for the next 4 hours that I have to suffer through? Well not suffer, but stretching time while trying to be entertaining/friendly is harder than it sounds..

Anyway, yeah. That's the question. Another question is on what do I do about my clothes. I went through a clothing crisis no less than two months ago when I realized that all of the clothes I wore to my last job were either too big, or too casual. So now that I have this new wardrobe I spent so much money on, I'm finding that the pants especially are too big. Like, ridiculously big. Those black pants I bought look like I'm going gangsta.

Last night, Willy looked down at my hip while I was laying down and pointed out my hip bone. "Don't lose anymore weight. I don't want to see that."

The guys on my bodybuilding forum over at tell me quite intelligently that my current calorie intake is "insane", to which I agree wholeheartedly. Even Pasta Queen thinks that people who eat 600 calories a day are crazy, and I hardly get to 600. The funny thing is, it's not a mental "If I do this I'll get skinny" thing, it's more like a... once I get home, I go online or take a nap, and then get so enveloped in my relax time that I forget to fix dinner. Or.. I'm too busy studying my next few topics during my lunch break to get food. Right now though, I -could- get food. So why don't I?

I'm not even sure.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


So this morning I weighed in at 121lbs. That's on my bathroom scale tho', so add another 5lbs if I'm at the doctor's office (lawlz). Still. Holy fuck, 121? I've never seen my scale do that, before. I'll chalk it up to me being too distracted by work and Age of Conan to eat. Seriously, I've been living off of my daily breakfast for the past few days. I'm trying not to eat any junk food, as I feel it makes me feel heavy and slows me down.

Right now I'm high on coffee, and five minutes away from teaching my next class. WOO! COFFEE!! @_@

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Urge to kill... rising.....

So today I took a nice trip to see my lady doctor. I will call her my lady doctor because the word "gynocologist" just doesn't sound as nice. Anyhoo, I was getting weighed, and the nice nurse wrote down my weight.

128 lbs.

GOSHDAMMIT I hate the scales at doctors offices!! They always add another 5lbs to what I think I weigh! See this morning, I left all happy because woo! I was 123lbs. Even the Wii Fit said so, so it must be true, right? Well who am I supposed to believe!? The doctor's office scale, or Nintendo?!

I suppose I should count my blessings that I am still in the 120 range with those damned doctor's office monstrosities... maybe they just add the 5lbs as a conspiracy. Wouldn't that be awful?? Imagine all of those girls with eating disorders who suddenly see an extra 5lbs. I mean shit, if it makes me panic, I can't imagine what it would do to one of those girls.

So I go to Shoppers to get my prescription and a few groceries, and wouldn't you know it, this sweet-faced Latino guy working at Wachovia tries to get me to sign up for a new account. Sorry, I can't, already have two; personal and small business (one for me, one for Blood Corps), so no more bank accounts. He was like, "band? Really? I play guitar..." and the rest of the conversation was him asking about Blood Corps. He was really sweet, but I could tell that this conversation started off as:

- She's Latina. Lemme go speak Spanish.

Because he literally asked me if I spoke Spanish, my ethnicity, ect. It's a common subject. I wonder if white people do this? "Hey Billy, where you from?" "Nebraska." "No, I mean, FROM from?" "The fuck should I know??"

I don't know, I've had that since I was little and it always kinda irks me. I can only say "My mom is from Spain and my dad is Salvadorian" so many times before I wanna scream, "I'm brown and my parents speak Spanish!!" and get it over with. It's cute how Salvadorians can TELL I am Salvadorian, but when I say I'm half Spanish they're like "Ohhh I understand..." because.. I don't know. What about my face says "Salvadorian"? Or maybe it's the fact that I'm so short. I know my nose is pretty Spanish.. all long and.. I don't even know. I get asked this question so often I can't help but analyze it every single time.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Dear Michael Rodriguez...

As much as I respect you for having such a blatantly Spanish name (word up!), I must confess; I am baffled by your choice in casting your girlfriend, Rose McGowan, as Red Sonja.

You heard me right. Red Sonja.

Red Sonja is a mythical heroin from comic books. She is big, buff, and bad-ass. Your girlfriend, Rose, is not. Now I know what you're thinking... she's so hot! I mean, I agree. I loved her in Ready To Rumble. I loved her petite frame and strikingly adorable features. But. Then came the WB, and I must say, I became one less fan of hers. Now this isn't to say she isn't allowed to make movies anymore, but, I'm less inclined to see them now.

Even LESS because.. seriously. Red Sonja?? Rose, pick your battles. You and I are both small girls. You're probably a bit taller than me (I am 5'1"...) but, you are petite. A Red Sonja you are not. Plus, for the love of god, you know that you will look awful as a red-head. AWFUL. You have all of the makings of a good brunette. Why would you try to do Red Sonja? Why?! To appease the fanboys? The nerds? The geeks? the males don't care either way... the idea of some hot chick in a metal bikini is enough to make them happy, but, I am a little harder to please.

That isn't to say that the last Red Sonja was great, but at least she had the look. Actually, that was pretty much all she had going for her. Good lord, watching her try to act was more painful then having a nest of cockroaches removed from your tongue.

It's true!

For anyone who is a Washington DC resident, I'm sure you've heard of Elliot in the Morning. DC's most popular radio show, it's dumb and bad and entertaining. Elliot Segel is a Jew from Canada, with a big mouth and a love of hockey. I was a guest on Elliot last year, and since then have remained infamous as Washington DC's Duchess of Dork. If there is a dorky subject? He calls me out. I'm on a level like.. Dirt Woman, lets say, who is an elderly black transvestite. I am proud to be infamous in this way. I am proud to be known as not just a dork... but the fucking Duchess of Dork. I proudly represent my people, and to those who say shit? They usually shut up when they find out the rest about me.

Now on this tangent, I'd like to note that I am in no way offended by being called nerd, dork, or geek. It's fantastic. I'm a software teacher, I'm an artist, and I've never been short on intelligent or relevant things to say. I study politics, I read the news, and I enjoy researching random topics in my off time. Simultaneously, I'm a role-playing cartoon-drawing metal singer who wears goggles. So, there's notmuch to be offended by. I know what I am. If someone thinks that they can upset me by calling me out on it, I'll laugh. Honestly, I don't think Elliot thinks he is offending me. He and Flounder (and the rest) found out first hand that I am easy to talk to, and very admitting of what it is I am. So why be offended?

I say... Washington DC, bring it on! I am your Duchess of Dork. I will host DnD parties, and LAN gatherings, and WoW raids, and -still- have time to draw, sing, and teach at my full-time job. If you wanna insult me for having such a colorful life? Then I truly pity you.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Bumper Nuts

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

Truck balls.

Truck balls, if you didn't already know, are these pretend testicles that you hang off of your bumper. I've been seeing them more and more, lately. At first, I thought it was cute. I mean, I laughed. Seriously. Truck balls?? Who'd do something like that?? Someone super awesome must do it.

Yeah, not so much. It's mostly a redneck fad, and I see them the further South I go. I don't know why I don't like this. See, I love rednecks. I find them endearing. I mean, sure they can be racist and sexist and severely homophobic... but in their own little way, they're also adorable. Middle to lower class workin' men and women, just tryin' t'get by, while listening to country music and driving trucks with plastic balls.

Are the balls supposed to represent manliness? I'm sure that they buy them as jokes. I mean shoot, they're funny to look at. But when it comes down to it, why? Why is it so needed? Why is some guy shelling out $10 for a pair of fake balls to put on his truck, if it was only for a 5 minute gag? Why do I see them everywhere? Is it some sort of conspiracy? A redneck fad? Are we so obsessed with masculinity that we need to showcase our reproductive organs on our giant gas-guzzling vehicles?

Or maybe I'm overthinking this. Likely it's just a bunch of guys that went, "Heh! Truck balls!" and bought a pair.

I thought about what Sunstreaker would look with some, and realized how artsy I was, because seriously.. I'd give that boy some golden pubes in the same color as his paint job. Make that shit look realistic. If my car's gonna have balls, they're gonna be HIS balls! But sadly, I doubt the idea will come into fruition. It just doesn't seem like a wise investment at the current time.

You know what does? Some strawberries. It's summer. I could use some goshdamn strawberries.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


Seriously. Dude. This was stupid.

Story Here

Okay, so Imus makes this comment about a dude who was arrested. He goes, "What color was he?" the guy replies, "He was African American." to which he replies, "Well, there you go. Now we know."


Okay, so now he is defending himself, right? Basically saying that he was commenting on the fact that black people are arrested for no reason every day, and he was defending them.


Holy shit. Male. Are you really that stupid? Lets just say for a moment that you actually cared for the plight of minorities.. do you honestly think that you should bring it up in that way? You're on the fucking RADIO! You KNOW what you are saying! And everyone knows you're a racist, because of what you said about that girl's basketball team!

Oh no, because after calling a basketball team "nappy headed hos", we all know how much you respect black people. What was I thinking.

Holy f'ing shit.

Do your damn part!!

Gee, thanks IRS.. For taking my check and using it without me getting my grubby hands on it to pay bills. No no, I forgive you. After all, you are the government, and you do do things that I need.. which is why I FUCKING VOTE. JESUS CHRIST people, stop playing around and VOTE. Do you realize how much in taxes you pay every day?! For the love of all that is holy, take advantage of the tiny insignificant part that you do when you vote! Yes, it's just one vote, but they DO add up, and if everyone gets lazy then nothing will get done. So get up off your ass, read the news, and get involved in your community. It -will- benefit you, unless you're already a rich, straight, caucasian male in his mid 30's. If you are, then fuck you buddy.

(Just kidding, it's not your fault.)

I don't know why I decided to write this, except that I'm a bit miffed at the fact that I never got to touch my $600 from Bush because I had to use it to pay taxes. I'm not mad about paying taxes, I'm mad at the fact that other people pay just as much as I do, and yet they don't take advantage of their rights as Americans. And we SHOULD! We should go out and fight for what we believe in! I mean shit, I'm not gonna protest against wearing animal fur, but damned if I don't respect the people who do. At least they try their damndest to get their points accross and to do what they feel is right. So long as it's in a non-violent and non-offensive way, they have my support. Even if I love fur and will continue to wear it, but that's not the issue..

Monday, June 23, 2008

Long day...

Came to work this morning only to discover that I went to the wrong office. ;;>_> So I rushed my ass to DC and got there JUST IN TIME. Taught half of my class and realized how horrible it really is to teach Dreamweaver with such little material to go off of. Therefore, 60% of the class is dedicated to my students making their own websites, and me lecturing on good web design.

Been playing Age of Conan recently, and it's a great game. Love it. It's not the best game and WoW's gameplay is honestly better, but, WoW is also a few years older and has had time to work the kinks out. So I have faith. Plus, the RP community is PHENOMENAL.

Not much else going on, except that the government decided to take my economic stimulus paycheck and put it towards me paying off the rest of my taxes... lol I don't mind THAT much, because I was gonna use it for that anyway, but still. ANYHOO...

Soon I will go on vacation. Soon. A week at the beach with Willy. OMFG I can't wait.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Tonight's show

So tonight we're going on around 7:30. Not the best time. My mom gets off of work at 7, and she has my new goggles, so God willing, she and my dad will make it... but I don't know. Hopefully the show will run a bit late. I don't like going on this early, or without Skittles, but what can you do? This is our last show before the big ones in the fall, so it will give us time to write new music, prepare, and get SUPER FREAKING AWESOME by the time we open up for Sonata Arctica.

Willy is at work, today. He's at work just about every day, now. WAR is coming, which means he will work like a dog to make sure that his zones are perfect. You hear that, Warhammer fanboys?? I'm missing out on cuddle time for YOUR BENEFIT. Hope you're fucking happy.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Practice, issues, sad.

So last night we found out that Skittles broke his arm. Very sad and upsetting to see him hurt. Ashley (my keyboard player) has had it rough this week, too. While at the moment I have a few money issues, I just can't allow myself to feel too bad. I went through a hideous "low" last week that involved stomach pain, depression and nausea, and I just don't want it to come back. I have no control over my highs and lows, but in a way I feel that last week's "low" was a blessing. If I were going through a low in my current state, I'd likely be suicidal.

But tomorrow night we have a show, and despite the fact that it's not a big one and we're not an opener, I am still excited. I love playing in front of people. I was born to perform and make people happy. When I play, I want people to feel that squealing joy that I get when I listen to someone like Edguy. And that's not going to happen unless we play. So, I'll be praying for Skittle's wellbeing, and hoping that he heals soon. Not just for the band, but because I like him a lot, and a guy that nice doesn't deserve to be in pain.

Besides, the cast totally doesn't go with his heels.

I'm excited for the weekend for a few reasons. First, the show of course.. but also, I'm excited about being able to sleep in, tomorrow. I've tried getting used to sleeping at 12 and getting up at 5:30, but, I just can't do it. My body can't handle not having enough sleep. It might have something to do with my recent eating habits, which incidentally, have more to do with my limited budget and time more than my eating inhibitions. I'm not entirely convinced that those are gone, though. Last night I tried to eat a sandwich, and I couldn't stomach it. I ate half of it for breakfast today and now I feel this combination of guilt and nausea. I HATE HATE HATE wasting food. I don't want to throw it away. My only choice is to save it and hope Willy willy eat it. Which he probably will.

It's really unfair. I got my swimsuit and I'm excited to wear it, but my legs are still terrible, YET, my ribs are clearly visible. My upper body is okay, my arms aren't as toned as I would like but they're not awful and you can SEE MY FUCKING RIBS. Like, not in a good way. My clavacle and collar bones are clearly visible, too. I think my body is some kind of medical anomoly. And it pisses me off.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

So I'm teaching Photoshop, today. Love it. I love meeting people who enjoy learning something that I am passionate about teaching. I love the fact that we seem to get allong. I love seeing smiling faces. We're even discussing metal! So happy when this happens..

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Que pasa?

This is what a man at in DC asked me, today. A crazy old dude who shouted it at me while I waited for the signal to cross the street. Why... why do even the crazy people feel the need to speak to me in broken Spanish? Am I supposed to titter and be flattered? If you're going to flirt like an asshole, at least do it like the guy at Caribou Coffee. He had a sexy Jamaican accent and said quietly, "You are so beautiful." See? Creepy, but at least he's not yelling at me.

Which brings me to question something. You see, I have always been pretty good at knowing if a man is flirting with me. If it barks, it's a dog, yanno? Yet I find myself questioning whether or not the weird vibe I get from this one person I know is him flirting, or just me being used to having to deal with jack-asses. Maybe he's just polite? Maybe he's just the touchy-feely kinda guy? I mean, is a guy putting his hand on my shoulder and gently rubbing it while looking deeply into my eyes flirting? Or just being a nice guy?

Or am I trying to be naive for the sake of wanting to not get a creepy vibe from him?

I'd like to think that a man in his 40's would understand that touching a girl tenderly and speaking sweetly KNOWS that it gives off a creepy vibe.. I mean come on, a guy in his 40's can't possibly be ignorant of what he's doing. It just doesn't make sense. So maybe he is flirting and being a douche. What do I do about it? I feel like I should stay quiet. It isn't hurting me that he flirts. The touchy feely thing, ehhh I can probably put an end to it. What I'm worried about is that someday it will get to a point where he things anything else is acceptable. And he's not the type of person I want to punch in the face, because he's kind of important.

It sucks being a chick. It really does.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

On why PETA is ridiculous..

So PETA decided to protest Jessica Simpson's "Real Girls Eat Meat" t-shirt by issuing this list on "Top Five Reasons Only Stupid Girls Brag About Eating Meat"...

So, lemme pick these apart one by one...

1. Meat increases the risk of breast cancer. A 2007 study of 35,000 women published in the British Journal of Cancer found that women who ate meat were far more likely to develop breast cancer than women who consumed none. Will Jessica's next t-shirt will say, "Real Girls Smoke 3 Packs a Day"?

Wow, PETA. Eating red meat increases your risk of breast cancer, huh? Well I've got nothing against limiting one's chances of gaining breast chancer, but keep in mind, this study was linked to RED MEAT, and doctors STILL don't know WHY the women tested were more likely to develop breast cancer. Plus there is the fact that the tests were based on memory. They asked 80,000 women how much red meat they asked within the past few years. Very accurate. Right.

2. Real girls don't support animal abuse. Compassion is super sexy, if the huge number of hot celebs ditching meat is any indication. Young women turn vegetarian in droves when they learn that the meat industry cuts the sensitive beaks off newborn chicks and cuts off the tails of baby piglets.

Yes. Because all women who enjoy eating meat also enjoy taking a butcher knife and hacking at the nearest puppy they can find. It's not like there are kind humane farmers in the world. Fuck that! Anyone who kills another living creature to live is a filthy savage with no ammount of compassion. Also, being a vegetation will turn you into a hot young celeb.

3. The meat industry is destroying the Earth. The only thing that's hot about the meat industry is that it's toasting the planet. According to the United Nations, raising animals for food causes more greenhouse-gas emissions than all the cars, trucks, SUVs, planes, and ships in the world combined.

And here I thought that people were destroying the earth. People who shamelessly pollute. Factory farms are one thing, but America's farmers don't need to be villainized by people who are rich enough to afford meat substitutes that look, taste, and feel like real meat.

4. Meat will make you fat. All the saturated fat and cholesterol in chicken wings, pork chops, and steak eventually leads to flabby thighs and love handles. I hope the upcoming "Jessica Simpson's Intimates" line comes in plus sizes! Going vegetarian is the best way to get slim and stay that way.

Um, NO. NO NO NO. Meat does not make you fat. Eating fat does not make you fat. Eating battered breaded friend ANYTHING will make you fat. A vegeterian who eats battered breaded fried carrot sticks will get just as fat as someone who goes to KFC. Do they need a lesson in nutrition? Or just a punch in the mouth?

5. Eating meat steals food from starving kids. Jessica's trip to help kids in Africa got a lot of media buzz, but by gnawing on meat, she's essentially stealing food from the mouths of starving children since it takes up to 16 pounds of grain to produce just 1 pound of meat. If more people went vegetarian, we'd free up enough grain to feed every person in the world.

Take one bite out of that Big Mac and you're condemning a kid in Ethiopia to death. You fat fucking freak. It has nothing to do with their government, where they live, or the fact that the US is plentiful. It has everything to do with omnivores being fat selfish pigs who kill children and destroy the universe with their evil meat eating ways.

Thank the pregnant moon we have role models like Pam Anderson and Steve-O to tell us the the truth.

Will someone pass me my machette? I have a few helpless animals to slaughter before dinner.

Last night's meeting..

So last night's meeting with our new producer went pretty well. Yes, it's a huge step, and yes, it's going to be a huge sacrifice on all of our parts. As hard as we work already, now we're going to have to work 10x more. It's more than a second job, now.

I'm in a class right now, prepping Photoshop CS3-Level 2. I'm grateful that I know most of the material, and really all I have to do is brush up on a few things to make sure I'm familliar enough with them to be able to teach it. No big deal. I'm actually excited about teaching Photoshop this Thursday and Friday. They're 2 day classes, and the big thing that I have to remember to do is STRETCH and EXTEND and give them more than what the course gives because honestly, it's only like... 6 lessons? In two days? Yeah.

Anyway, sitting in this class and listening to the Edguy CD I bought off of iTunes. It's their Theatre of Salvation album and I highly reccomend it, if you're a power metal fan. Basically, if you like 80's metal. Now the reason I'm listening to this, (besides my love of power metal), is because Blood Corps, my baby, my band, is opening for them in October. Them and Kamelot. This is a big deal. These bands are VERY big, in the power metal world. Despite the fact that power metal fans are few and far between... they do exist. And when power metal bands come, their fans come out in throngs, and it is SO WONDERFUL to be surrounded by fellow power metal fans.

People who appreciate beautiful vocals, talented instrumentalists, good harmonics? It makes me so happy. And to think that I'll be singing for these people? And they'll appreciate it? It makes me want to cry.

Also, the idea that I will get to meet Tobias Sammet, the lead singer of both Edguy and his project, Avantasia, it just blows my mind. Aventasia is one of those album series that influenced my voice. When I hear his wavering verbrattos, his high tones, they make me fucking SQUEAL. Willy is worried that I will squeal when I meet him, or Tony Kakko, the lead singer of Sonata Arctica, who we'll be opening for in August, and honestly? I'll have to try so hard not to. I'm supposed to be "one of them", now. And while I'm confident in my skills as a vocalist, and in my ability to sing with the best of them, it's just going to be so overwhelming to meet the men who made me want to do it in this style.

I can literally listen to them sing and have tears come from my eyes. There's something so magical about the way they sing. You can't say that about pop musicians. People don't sit and listen to Britney Spears and cry. Tobias Sammet has so much emotion in his voice. I can -feel- what he's singing. Like an opera singer, he puts his chest, his heart, into his vocals. I could go on all day about how much I adore this man and what he does, but there you go. It's out. I am in love with power metal vocals, and by all that is holy, by Odin, I swear that someday I will stand amongst them. A Valkyrie amongst Vikings.

Onward my brothers!!

Monday, June 16, 2008


Sorry I been so lazy about posting.

1) I was laid off
2) 2 weeks later, I went to work as a corporate trainer!
3) My band was signed
4) My band got a producer!
5) Lots of HUGE shows ahead (Sonata Arctica, Kamelot, EDGUY?!)
6) I'm now a size 8 and down to 123lbs!

All of that aside, I'll try to update more. And maybe get rid of this hideous pink background. GOOD LORD.

Monday, May 12, 2008

I'm so lazy!

I'm so lazy about posting in this blog. For that, I apologize. I doubt many people read it, but for those who do, I'm sorry.

If you'd like an update on what's been going on, check this out:

See all the shows lined up? That's what I've been busy with. Until then, it's hard-core diet and excersize, working my new job as a corporate computer trainer, and lots of healthy home-cooked meals.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Still sick?

I'm unsure if I'm still sick or not. I've been nauseous since Thursday, unintereted in eating, and it doesn't seem to be going away. It's been effecting ym diet terribly, because I can't bring myself to eat any meat or anything I should be eating. I feel tired all the time, and I have that mix of nausea/hunger where I know I -want- to eat, but I'm afraid to.What is going on??

Friday, March 28, 2008

Sick day!

As someone who's used to being sick, it should come to no surprise that I have some sort of rogue stomach bug today. I've had it since yesterday morning and besides feeling nauseous, I'm also a bit dizzy. This alone should have kept me from driving to work, but I persivered because I thought that maybe I'd be able to handle it. This doesn't seem to be the case as I keep getting that "about to throw up" feeling and am constantly feeling dizzy and spaced out. Not good at all.

On another note, I discovered a quick and easy way to make better grass in 3d Max, so that's always good.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Chugging allong..

Well it's been two weeks and I haven't quit! Been working out four times a week. I've gotten to the point where I'm only sore in the muscles I've never worked out before, so today, it's my chest muscles. Haven't worked those since I used that butterfly machine thingie in high school. Kinda funny having the area under my boobs be sore, but it's also nice to know where I need improvement.

On another note, I haven't lost any weight since my last drop to 124. I'm struggling to be okay with this, as I know I'm gaining muscle blah blah blah, but it is very frustrating.

One of my roommates will be joining me at the gym, which is wonderful. No more going alone. She went with me last night and it felt so good to have someone with me that I spent more time on my lifting. I felt more focused and relaxed. I was able to do all my sets and didn't feel I had to rush to leave. Pretty happy with that. Hopefully I won't have to get there so late, if she can put her workout clothes in my car. I really need to get some new workout clothes myself, my ensemble is getting a bit boring. I mean.. how much more boring can a green tank top and black running pants be? Not that I wanna be flashy, I'd just like a bit of variety. Variety that covers my legs.

Stupid legs.

Monday, March 10, 2008

The Beginning of Awesomeness

This is the workout regiment I'll be using to sculpt my body.

Monday 1: Upper Day One

Bench Press - 2 sets of 8-12
Military Press - 2 sets of 12
Skull crushers - 2 sets of 15
Chins - 2 sets to failure (add weight if you can get over 15 reps)
Barbell Rows - 2 sets of 10

Wednesday 1: Lower Day One

EZ Bar Curls - 2 sets of 12
Hammer Curls - 2 sets of 15
Seated Calf Raises - 1 set of 15 (with 5 second pause at the bottom of each rep)
Stiff-Leg Deadlifts - 2 sets of 15
Hack Squats - 1 set of 8 and 1 set of 20

Friday 1: Upper Day Two

Incline Dumbbell Press - 2 sets of 8-12
Dumbbell Military Press - 2 sets of 12
Dips - 2 sets of 12 (add weight if necessary)
Wide Grip Pulldowns - 2 sets of 10
Deadlifts - 1 set of 8 and 1 set of 4

Monday 2: Lower Day Two

Alternate Dumbbell Curls - 2 sets of 12
Plate Twists - 3 sets with as much weight as possible
Leg Press Calf Raises - 1 set of 15 (with 5 second pause at bottom)
Lying Leg Curls - 2 sets of 12
Squats - 1 set of 8 and 1 set of 20

Wednesday 2: Upper Day Three

Decline Bench Press - 2 sets of 8-12
Machine Shoulder Press - 2 sets of 8
Close Grip Bench Press - 2 sets of 15
Chins - 2 sets taken to failure
T-Bar Rows - 2 sets of 10

Friday 2: Lower Day Three

Preacher Dumbbell Curls - 2 sets of 12
Zottman Curls - 2 sets of 15
Standing Calf Raises - 1 set of 15 (with 5 second hold at bottom)
Sumo Squat - 2 sets of 15
Leg Press - 1 set of 20 taken to failure


Weighted decline situps - 2 reps of 10
Weighted knee raises - 2 reps of 8
Swiss ball crunches - 2 reps of 8


45-60 minutes at 3.5MPH or higher on an incline, done daily, before breakfast.


Yeah. I've gone insane.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

You can do eet!

Well thanks to everyone who helped me out with my body image problem. I decided that yeah, I'm going to get down to 115, and if I'm still unhappy I will shut myself up with a burger.

Throughout my weight loss campaign though, I've seen a lot of weird crazy crap. I know a lot of people look at low carb dieting as something weird and insane. I mean, no bread?! No pasta?! No SUGAR??! How do you LIVE!? It's actually easier than it looks, especially after getting used to it. Eventually you accept the fact that you were addicted to crap that is very drug-like, and you start to enjoy real food. Stuff that grows from the ground or stuff that was shot in the head. (I like my burgers bloody, mmmm..)

But then I constantly (through my boring day) surf the forums at Post Secret and see all these girls who had the same problem I did; they wanna lose weight, and they try all of the fad diets and the exersize and the low fat crap, which yes, does work for SOME people, but not everyone. Low fat dieting might work for people who don't have issues with high ammounts of glucose in their blood.. but for people who are literally addicted to carbs and can't exersize? It's not going to do a thing. And people don't believe me when I tell them this. Or they complain and tell me it's too hard. Seriously, if you're fat and happy, be fat and happy. But don't complain that losing weight is too hard because if you want something, you need to work for it. Very few things in life come easy, especially something as drastic as changing one's own body. It's all about control. I'm not going to say, "some people have it; some people don't" because that is such a dick-ish thing to say. I think everyone is capable of control. All it takes is for them to realize that these things are not beyond their reach, and that they are just as capable of doing what they need to do as anyone else.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Body image

So, I think I might have a problem. Or not. I'm not exactly sure.

See, I used to be obese. I was 180lbs at 5'1". I lost 50lbs and was down to 130, a weight I never thought I'd be at. Well at 130 I wasn't happy still, so a few months ago I decided to lose more weight and try to be 125. Well I got down to 127 and thought, hey, I'm not close enough to where I wanna be. Maybe I should be 120. Now I'm 125 and I want to be 115. My therapist said he wants me to stop at 120 but I don't think I can. I want to be 115. I'm not doing it in an unhealthy way or anything, all I do is diet and exersize. But I've become very militant, and I'm still really unhappy with my body. So much I still can't wear shorts because embarassed about my fat thighs and stomach.

Well I have this friend who's body I adore. I always wanted to look like her. So I wanted to gauge my weight loss on her, get down to her size, and I thought if I did I'd be happy.

It turns out, as of right now, I am her size. But I STILL feel like she's 100 times thinner than I am. She wears clothes I would never imagine wearing and looks great. I wouldn't dare wear what she wears, even though we're the same size, and apparently, I even weigh less.

I'm 5'1" so being around 115 is supposed to be a healthy weight for me. I'm not worried that I'm going to do something seriously unhealthy. I'm worried that I have a real problem and that I'll never ever be able to be happy with myself. I mean, if I can't be happy with the way I look now, at the same weight and size as someone I admired, when will I be happy?

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Cold = Pain

While perusing the hobo stripper's blog, I was reminded of my feelings towards being cold.

When I was a kid, waiting for the bus with my mom or dad in the morning, I would be bundled in sweaters, a coat, mittens, a hat, everything neccisery for me to stay warm. My parents were by no means going to let me freeze. However, I was always cold, and I always told myself that no matter what, I'd rather be too hot than too cold. I've taken this into consideration ever since. I mean.. this was a declaration I made in the 3rd grade, possibly lower, and I still cling to it. Being too hot? Midly uncomfortable, if only because you eventually feel sticky and sweaty. That's fine. Too cold? Painful. Like razor blades on my skin.

At some point in time, I associated cold with pain. Being cold meant I was in pain. I don't know why. Even now, if it's slightly chilly in my office, I wear my coat and gloves to keep it away. The walk to my car at the end of the day is like torture, because going outside means going to an even colder place.

I have no idea why I feel this way, but it limits me quite a bit. I remember my trip to Spain about six years ago, when we went there during winter for the first time. I hated it. It was so cold, I wore my coat and hat and sweaters and socks to bed. Pretty much I slept fully dressed and still shivvered. I swore that I'd never purposefully go somewhere that cold again, because I was just seriously miserable.

So it's with an anxious heart that I beg spring to come sooner, because I am tired of waking up cold in the morning. In fact, waking up cold has to be one of the most painful things in the world.

Right there with dislocating my arms, which I do way too often.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Been Lazy

I've been pretty lazy about updating this blog, but I figured I should add something today so people don't think I've died.

Blood Corps won 3rd in the Battle of the Bands at Jaxx. As our prize, we get to open for any national band that comes to Jaxx. This is an awesome opportunity and I am totally stoked about it. I'm looking forward to our next show, which will be on Saturday. Unfortunately, I caught a cold this week so I'm trying my damndest to get better by this Saturday. I'm feeling much better after a few days of chicken soup, tea, lots of water and bedrest.

That's pretty much it, for me. Until next time!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Bipolar is irritating.

So I know I'm in a moderate low right now, because despite all of the wonderful things going on, I'm not feeling happy.

For example, this morning I tried on my old ripped jeans, and they were super loose. I have to buy new pants for the show on the 9th, and that's awesome, but still I feel down.

Also, X Japan is back together. My favorite band of all time. They wrote a song called "IV" and it's at the end of Saw 4, and I'm SO MAD it's not on the soundtrack. How lame is that?? The song is so good it makes me cry. I can't wait to hear what else they come up with. I love X Japan so much. I can't believe they got Toshi back.

Prolly not gonna get lunch until after this meeting I have to go to. Ugh. I hate meetings.

Friday, January 18, 2008

It's Friday!?

Yes, it's Friday. That means tomorrow is my birthday party. Yesterday I stayed home from work because there's no way in HELL my car could ever get out of our driveway. Well, Dan took this as a good opportunity to get some recording done, so I recorded 3 more songs and we went to practice. Had a great practice last night, did the set list 3 times. My throat is killing me. Dan bought us dinner at Dennys, so I owe him one. It was a pretty good day, but I didn't get the laundry done like I wanted..

Diet's still going well. Haven't lost anything else, but I think I'm pretty well set into the 120's. I'm gonna try to never reach 130 again.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Arrrg my throat!

Last night's band practice went very very well. I'm loving our new songs, especially "Penetrate Your Mind". It's sure to be a hit when we play it at the Battle of the Bands. I'm sooo stoked about it...

Diet's going well, I dropped another pound. I'd like to stay in the 20's for the rest of my life, if not go on to the teens. I wonder if I'll ever lose that much?? Ha, we'll see.. I'm not gonna give up 'till I get to 120! My original goal was 125, which seemed like a pipe dream, but now that I'm 128, it doesn't seem so very far away! I just wish I -looked- like it.. I still look fat. I haven't noticed any loose clothes or anything. Or maybe all my clothes were way too tight and now they're just a little less tight.. I don't know. Either way, I hope I can be thinner by the 9th of next month. I know it's a tall order, but I was once a size 9. I'm not a 10, and I've seen ladies who've gone from 10 to 2.. so who knows? Maybe it's possible. I know I won't be a 2 by the 9th, but if I can be thinner than I am now.. NOTICIABLY thinner.. that'll be awesome.

I saw my therapist yesterday, and he's having me do some exersizes in the morning. That's pretty cool. I was feeling fairly down last night and this morning for no reason. I don't know if the situps helped, but it would be nice if they did. I'm scared about having to go on mood stabilizers. Willy hates medicine for this sort of thing and I don't want my personality to get weird.

Thursday, January 10, 2008


So, my weight loss goal has changed. I've got to lose weight FASTER because on the 9th of February, Blood Corps will be participating in a battle of the bands at Jaxx!! I'm so excited, this will be our first show with our new drummer!

Today is also my first therapy session. Wish me luckz!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Hump Day.. yeah right.

So it's the middle of the week and I am both bored out of my mind and depressed with the idea of it being the middle of the week. Good thing I have my counceling tomorrow! I got my authorization number so I can go to any counceling service I like within the network, and that's fine with me. Tomorrow will be my first session. I hope it helps. I'm very nervous. For those who don't know, I have bipolar disorder, and this will be the first time I've ever seen someone for it. I have medicine for it, but all it does is make me very sleepy, and I don't like that at all.

As far as weight goes, I'm hovering around 129 right now on my scale, which is probably more like 135 in real life.. but whatever. At least I've lost something. I'd like for my scale to say 120, so I'm gonna keep it up. This morning I had the usual breakfast of pumpkin and a glass of water. For lunch it's tuna and celery. Eh.. yeah. I need to get different things.

Last night however, was a triumph! I got Willy to eat a chicken caeser salad for dinner! It felt nice to see him eat a salad. Poor thing hardly eats any vegetables. He told me he'd probably die if he were alone because he can't cook.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Woah there.

Haven't updated in a while. I've been lazy.

Anyhoo, I've restarted Atkins, AGAIN. I officially went back on Induction January 2nd, due to a New Years fiasco that ended with me eating lots of bread and chips. Well it's my own fault for buying those things for the party. For my birthday in a few days, it'll be nothing but Atkins friendly food!

Now, during my last doctor's visit in the Fall, she weighed me in at 141 or something similar. Since going on induction, MY scale says I'm currently 129. So, that's a pretty big deal, BUT I doubt my scale is telling the truth. So I'll just say it's water weight and continue on induction until next Tuesday. It's been going pretty well, as I have lots of snacks at home, and my roommates have stopped eating rice with every meal. I'd like to go with them to the gym, but I keep having things pop up. I've been doing 20 minutes of exersize in my office, though! Still pretty sore from all that...

Not much else to talk about, just yet. I'll try to update more often from now on.