Monday, November 30, 2009

Why I diet..

Besides the obvious, I diet because when I don't, I feel SICK. Eating like a "normal person" makes me feel bloated and nauseous. I came away from last week with a 5lb gain, and constant nausea. This morning, I was forced to throw away a perfectly good chai tea because they added sugar to it WITHOUT TELLING ME, GADDAMN IT. I felt so dumb that I just left and tossed it out. What a waste of money, but I know that if I drank that thing I'd feel bad emotionally and physically.

Looking back on Thanksgiving, I didn't exactly gorge either. I had some turkey, a little gravy, and a corn bisquit at my parents'. At Willy's, I had some stuffing and potatoes, plus a sliver of pie. We went out for drinks afterwards and I had a few french fries. Granted, these are TERRIBLE for me, but I didn't overeat either. It's just that eating even a little of that stuff makes me want to vomit, later. I feel so... FULL. It's gross. Momentary satisfaction and nothing more.

I need to keep reminding myself not to go off plan. This week it's easy, because all I need to do is remind myself of how gross I felt last week.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Ahhh, Friday...

It probably sounds strange, but Willy nailed it on the head once I got home. Why am I so happy? Because I've regained my title as his "sugar mama".

Before Willy got his first job, I -always- made more. I was used to treating him, feeling the responsibility of being the bread winner, and having the power. I was miserable making less... but now things have changed once again! I know, it's awful, and I'm certain that lots of the macho kind of men would be pissed at me, but FUCK YOU, MEN! HAHA!

Man does it feel good to have my weekends back... IT FEELS SO GOOD!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


Well, I'm in my first day of training. I can't say much, because it's all classified, BUT, I can tell you these tidbits:

- I get to wear a uniform! Unfortunately, the uniform fits horribly. The waist of the only pants that fit goes up to my rib cage, and the smallest shirt they had included sleeves extend past my thumb.

- The guy who hired me plays Warcraft, as does another of my coworkers. Unfortunately, he plays Alliance, so there was a small amount of trash talking.

- I'll probably be working in DC, which will be nice because it's Metro accessible.

- I'm not allowed to wear nail polish, and my hair has to stay up. Furthermore, I can't wear visible hair accessories, so I need to find a way to put my hair up without you seeing the thing that's holding it up. o_O I haven't worn my hair "up" since one of my recitals in the 6th grade. How I'm going to get my insane hair to stay up all day is beyond my understanding. Methinks I'm going to need a hair adviser. Anyone got any tips??

- This is a great incentive to keep dieting.. the position requires that I continue to fall within their weight restrictions, and during my interview, I managed to be under their "minimum". Which is kinda weird, because 128 shouldn't be a minimum for my height...

- I discovered that I'm not 5'1" after all. I'm 5' 1/2". Holy gaddamn.

Monday, November 16, 2009


Hear ye, hear ye! The days of obsessively writing about how miserable I am are OVER! ...for now! I received a call today, right when I was about to close my register, which notified me that I was hired! I'll be working for a VERY good security company as their "computer person", and finally, after eight months of misery, be working a normal 9-5 in a position that I can be proud of. Besides doggy-style. (HA!) Anyway, I gave my other job my two weeks, but the big boss called and said it would be my last day. OH WELL.

Anyhow, ya'll can look forward to happier blogs from now on. In fact, this Sunday I'll be doing vocals for my next EP! It's with "A Sound of Thunder" and I am SO looking forward to it being finished!

Hurray for joy!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Possible good mood?

I've got two interviews, today. They're both for positions that will pay more than what I'm getting, and the first is for something I actually wouldn't mind doing because it will help me get Secret Clearance. Also, I have a show at Fast Eddies tonight.

To celebrate, here's a video of me and the guys in rehearsal last night. Please forgive me for not being really energetic, I had to conserve it for tonight.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Recipe...

So here's the recipe I used for my pie. For the crust, I crushed a bunch of pecans with my Magic Bullet (the blender, not the dildo) and added some butter. I spread this mixture at the bottom of a springform pan. Here's the actual pie mix. Note: This is modified from Paula Deen's Pumpkin Pie recipe.


* 1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened
* 2 cups pumpkin puree
* 8 packets of Truvia (Stevia)
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
* 1 egg plus 2 egg yolks, slightly beaten
* 1 cup heavy cream
* 1/4 cup (1/2 stick) melted butter
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
* 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger, optional


Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

For the filling, in a large mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese with a hand mixer. Add the pumpkin and beat until combined. Add the stevia and salt, and beat until combined. Add the eggs mixed with the yolks, cream, and melted butter, and beat until combined. Finally, add the vanilla, cinnamon, and ginger, if using, and beat until incorporated.

Pour the filling into the springform pan and bake for 50 minutes, or until the center is set. Place the pie on a wire rack and cool to room temperature.


Paula Deen had the right idea when she used cream cheese instead of evaporated milk. This is the creamiest, richest pumpkin pie I've ever had.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Well, I've gone through the mourning process. Now it's time for acceptance. With Willy being laid off, we're gonna start a new sitcom in the "Full House" style and move into his parents' enormous house until he can find a new job. Meanwhile, I'll be working at the greenhouse, and continuing to sing for two bands.

What wacky adventures will we find ourselves in with the Austins? Find out, Tuesday nights at eight thirty, only on CBS!

Basically, I gained 5 pounds during the past month. It was due to a lot of things. Well, no.. mostly just me being depressed, and too lazy to be creative with my cooking. And when I saw the scale yesterday, it was a big slap to the face. I REFUSE to go back to the way that I once was. No matter how sad I might be, or what horrible fate awaits me, I will not be fat too.

I've got the next few days off, which means packing and applying to jobs. I'm also going to work on my next experiment; an entirely sugar-free pumpkin pie, using crushed nuts as a crust, and steevia as a sweetener. I'm doing this for both myself and my mom, who was diagnosed with diabetes, and really loves pumpkin pie. I know it's been hard on her, so I want to give her a surprise for Thanksgiving and bring a pie that she can eat.

Now to continue comforting Willy. At least it's a fairly nice day! Fairly...

Friday, November 6, 2009

Life Sucks

Well, it looks like I might not get to open for Hammerfall. I won't get into detail because I'm too angry, but, the guy at the club has been lying and it looks like basically, all our hard work has been for nothing. Seriously, FML right now. (FML means "fuck my life".)

Tomorrow I get to start my new schedule at the greenhouse, which starts on Saturday and ends on Tuesday. This weird-ass way of working is fucking with me more than I can describe. No more days with my husband. No more sleeping in on Sundays. No more GOING TO CHURCH. Seriously, fuck the owner, it's not like his ass has to come in on a Sunday, so he decides to make ME work Sundays? Why? What's the point? Even the lady doing the scheduling doesn't get the point of changing my days, but anything to please that giant asshole, right?

Applying to more jobs, now.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

My Apologies

Sorry for being such a downer here, folks. As you can see, my bipolar disorder tends to have it's ups and downs, and lately I've been on an enormous down. Luckily, I'm not the sort to seriously consider suicide. Think about it? Sure. Seriously consider it? No. Therapy helped with that, if nothing else. I have a feeling that my ego is too big to allow for suicide. Basically: "People would be showering me with all that attention, and I wouldn't be around to experience it!?" That's why I can't entertain thoughts on killing myself for more than a few seconds.

Mostly I think about ways to pull myself out of this gutter, which pulls me in a million directions at once. Right now, I'm in two bands. They're great distractions. Last night I learned that my band might have the opportunity to open for Hammerfall, which, I will tell you, would be amazing for me. Lemme explain why:

Three years ago, Willy and I were still in college. We were on a date, and stopped off at the mall. We were in our World of Warcraft phase at that point, and were drawn to this CD in FYI called "Hammerfall". Why? It's the name of the city in Warcraft where my character was born. So, we listened, and OH MY GOD. I had been listening to 80's hair metal at the time and was dissatisfied. Hammerfall drew me into the world of power metal. We bought the CD and loved it. Here is an example of Hammerfall's greatness. If you like songs about rescuing princesses and fighting evil hordes and the glory of honor, plus clean vocals set to metal, you might dig Hammerfall.

Days later, I bought all of their other albums, and then learned about people like Blind Guardian and Edguy. I dug deeper and deeper, but it wasn't until we went to our first concert together, Dragonforce, until I realized what I needed to do; make my own band.

And so, months later, as I was bored at work and perusing the intrawebz, I put up a post on Craigslist. The rest is history. But the thing is, it all started with Hammerfall, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I never got to see them in concert, and it would be a dream come true if I could play on the same stage as they. And if I could meet them beforehand? I think I'll probably have to hide my tears.

So pray for me, ya'll. It won't be the answer to all of my prayers, but it will be a defining experience of my life.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Oh, what a surprise.

Turns out that the guy with the so-called "marketing position" lied. No salary or benefits. Just a telemarketing job that paid $8.50 per hour.

Driving home, I considered just driving through 66 until I reached the mountains, and then laying down on the ground to watch the clouds go by. It's gotten to the point where I'm too buried in depression that I don't cry, anymore. I just come home and cook dinner. Then I send resume after resume like a robot, before writing a thousand words for my novel. Then I go to sleep.

Today will be no different. I'm gonna go help my guitarist paint a house, make a few dollars for grocery money, and contemplate what life would have been like if I'd just gone to medical school like I really should have. I could be training to be a plastic surgeon, right now... what the hell was I thinking? Being an artist blows.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


I'm getting deeper into my rut, today. Learned that I have to work weekends from now on. So, absolutely no days with my husband. Just nights where we're working on our respective websites/projects/bands/portfolios, or I'm too angry about everything, it's too dark to take a walk, and he hates going to the gym. So basically it's like we're roommates. We got married so we could be roommates and spend no real time together because we're too busy looking for better jobs.

Tomorrow's my interview. Lets see what the hell happens. After my interview, I'll be going to help one of my guitarists paint a house he's sold so I can make a few extra bucks. Will probably go toward gas for the car.

Willy keeps telling me to do some life drawing to supplement my resume, but I have this urge to finish my novel. And I know that if I don't keep writing, I'll drop out of my inspiration. I've been doing from 1,000 - 3,000 words a day, and I know that if I keep it up, I'll be finished by the end of 2009. I really want to finish something for once. I've been reading so much lately, and I've noticed that a lot of the books I've read SUCK. So why the hell can't I put out a gaddamn novel?? I know I need new art, but I just can't bring myself to do it right now. I feel guilty for not writing when I draw, and I feel guilty for not drawing while I write. And when I'm at work I feel like I'm wasting time doing nothing that will bring me closer to my goals.

I've been trying my damndest to get out of my current habit of saying "Oh God, kill me," at points of stress and despair. I don't mean it. I don't want to die. I don't know why I keep saying it, but it just slips out sometimes. Maybe I just wish that I could go to sleep and wake up to someone wanting to hire me. Or a record deal. Or a book deal. Anything that would rescue me. I've been trying for so long. I remember when I used to go to therapy, back when my only problem was my bipolar disorder and discontentment about my old job. I'd give anything to have that job back, now. It was brainless and I did nothing, but it was money and peace of mind. I have no peace of mind, anymore. Just constant worry and guilt.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Cool Pictures + Despair

Well, it looks like I'll be working on Sundays from now on. Which means I'll have no day that I can spend with my husband. I have an interview Wednesday, but my pessimism won't allow me to see much good in it. I'm fairly confident that we'll end up moving back in with Willy's parents and that I'll have a 2 hour commute to get to a shitty job every morning. And then I will go nowhere for at least a few years until either I suddenly get a record deal, or die of inadequacy.

Also, the squirrels have been eating the leftover unsold pie pumpkins at work, so I rescued a couple to bake and gather seeds.

And here's some cool pictures of me!