Monday, December 8, 2008

Body Dysmorphia

Sometimes when I feel depressed, I count my blessings. This becomes harder and harder as I not only save up for a wedding while working on moving to another apartment, and I work on ridding myself of an eating disorder. The eating disorder is harder to deal with, since it's coupled with paranoia. Oftentimes, I think the world is against me, and that people only compliment me because they don't know any better, or they're just trying to be nice. I often feel like everyone is lying to me. I even feel that way about my fiance, even though I know it isn't true. The problem is that when you have body dymorphic disorder, you constantly think about your appearence, and you constantly think it is different from the way it very well may be.

At the moment, I am a "normal" weight. However, I will never see that. I will always see myself as extremely overweight and unattractive, which is why I've been so depressed lately. Money issues have forced my fiance and I to eat rather cheaply, which in turn makes me depressed. I've gained maybe five pounds, having to eat this way. My fiance disagrees, but I can feel it. And I'm so upset about it that it makes me sick of doing just about everything. I don't want to go out or talk to people, like I usually would. It's very crippling. The worst part is that sometimes, I don't know if I'm right or not. I don't know if I'm actually hungry, or if I'm just depressed. If I'm full, or just denying myself food. If I've gained weight, or if I just feel as if I have.

One thing is certain, I can't wait until I finally get my first paycheck from this job. I've had to wait a month before I get my first one, which forces me to depend on my fiance until then. I hate that feeling, but I am grateful that he is there for me. In the meantime, I have to suck it up and eat what we have. Even if it makes me sick.