Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Let me tell you about 130. 130 was my goal, once. I saw it as an obtainable goal. Something that, as a teenager who weighed 180lbs, I could gain and feel good about. Hell, I would have been happy at 150. 150 was a nice round number, right? Not right. I lost weight so damn fast it was mind blowing. Suddenly I was 150, and I had no idea, because I had no scale. I remember at some point trying to put on an old pair of jeans and being shocked at how huge they were. Then, one day, I was 130. My "goal". I thought to myself, "woah". But I didn't stop. I never really stopped dieting and at my lowest weight, while living in a one bedroom studio in Manassas and working at a greenhouse, I hit 119 and felt like singing and screaming because that was my lowest weight ever and I WAS STILL FAT.
Well, not really. But I always FELT fat.
Now, I'm 130 again. I actually lost about 8-10lbs since November, but I can't get past this 130 mark. It's like a thorn in my side that refuses to remove itself. I can't tell if it's fat, or if it's a combination of losing fat and growing muscle, but I still can't wear my old jeans and it is seriously pissing me off. Like, what the hell more can I do? I already don't eat anything with sugar, or bread, or joy. My breakfast is one plain Greek yogurt. My lunch is tuna. My dinner is some kind of fish smothered in vegetables. My snacks are raw unsalted nuts (hehe) and my beverage of choice is either water, black coffee, OR if I'm feeling REALLY cheeky, coffee with a splash of cream. Or a diet Coke. THAT'S IT. I don't eat sweets, or junk food. I work out four times a week. I stretch, I lift, I run, I bike, I sweat, and I work until my muscles feel like they're going to revolt.
So why the %$&# am I still stuck at this mother $&#*ing 130lbs!?
Rant aside, I decided to venture forth in skinny jeans for our last show. I do not think I will ever be able to pull off that look. I've got massive thighs and I don't know how to tame them. Don't believe me? Take a look at this bullshit.
What the hell was I thinking!? Maybe I was hoping that I've really just got body dysmorphia and I see myself as fatter than I really am. Nope. I'm fat. I'm not fat enough that it's a health concern, I'm not fat enough that I can complain that nobody carries my size, I'm just fat enough that I can't wear skinny jeans and I'm very upset that it feels like I can't do anything about it. I can hear the calls of "LOL join and gym" and "cut down on the burgers" and what not from here. I just don't get it. What am I doing wrong? How is it possible to eat like this, sweat like this, and beat myself up like this and not lose weight? What do I have to do, stop eating entirely? Is it time to give fasting a try? Because I've done that and all I get are massive headaches.
And I refuse to believe that I was just meant to be fat. I refuse. This is absolute bull$#&* and I'm going to find a way out if it kills me.