Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Rant ahead! Shield your eyes!

Well, Lent ended a while ago. Did I make it? I sure did!! However, I had to alter my diet dramatically to make up for the loss of fat and wound up needing a banana every day just to stay coherent. So, I never lost any weight. Willy wound up losing almost 10lbs and lowered his blood pressure. GO FIGURE!

Anyway, now that I'm back on MY plan, I'm back to working out in a way more efficient way. The way that makes me feel like a freaking superwoman; weight lifting.

My dream thighs.
How I've missed you, weight lifting! Throughout my early 20's all I could do to keep the weight off was run like a jackass, when it's been proven time and time again that if you want to keep fat off, weight lifting is the way to go. But I was never able to lift very heavy so I kept running. Well screw that. I'm tired of being fat AND weak. So I'm lifting weights and trying my best to be stronger so that one day my arms will rival She-Hulks. To do this, I'm actually eating real food and drinking lots of water and grunting while I lift because that shit helps. I don't know why I got so lazy, before. I know I feel better when I eat right and lift. Whenever I eat more carbs than usual, I get all bloaty and gross and then I regret it. I ALWAYS REGRET IT. And I'm still at the same weight I was all those weeks ago, which really pisses me off. At least when I lift and eat right, I don't feel guilt. I always feel guilt when I eat bad and I feel like it translates through my appearance. I tried wearing skinny jeans to a gig a few days ago and the photo evidence is not good, so I'm upping my gym work.

While perusing the internet for ways in which to get my ass in shape, I've noticed a lot more BS from people all over the internet. Here's a few that annoy the hell out of me:

1. I can't lift weights or I'll get big muscles!
AAAAAAHHHHH MMMMYYYYYY GAAAAWDDDD SHUT UP NO YOU WON'T!! Here is a good link that disproves this annoying-ass myth. You will find more everywhere. Hell, ask a personal trainer. A real personal trainer.

2. I heard that the elliptical/stair machine/doing squats with weights/ect. makes your butt BIGGER!
Who told you this? Whoever told you this is dumb. SO DUMB. Your butt is made of fat and muscle. Muscle is smaller and more dense than fat. Building muscle burns fat. Just because you're building muscle under fat doesn't mean your butt will get bigger. In fact, it means your butt will look smoother because there will be more muscle and less fat.

Do you want this butt? BUILD MUSCLE.
3. You look great, all you need to do is tone!
THERE IS NO SUCH THING. Whoever made up the term "tone" can DIAF. "Toning" is what women think happens when you've got a little flabbyness and you exercise just enough to make it go away. No. It doesn't happen that way. What does happen is that if you build muscle, it will replace fat, and you will look tighter and less flabby. MUSCLE = GOOD You want a nice curvy butt? BUILD MUSCLE. You want a nice pair of legs? BUILD MUSCLE.

4. Well I just want thinner thighs so I'm just going to target them with this machine.
Ughhhhhhhhhh...!! NO. There is no such thing as "spot training". When your body burns fat for fuel, you don't get to decide where that fat comes from. Let me tell you, that shit sucks. I have the tiniest upper body, hardly any boobs to speak of, and yet my thighs are still a constant annoyance. Does that mean I can just work out my legs? No. Then I'd have a weak upper body with no muscle definition and that would look dumb. DUMB DUMB DUMB.

Now that those are out of the way, here are some other smaller things that annoy me:

Juice cleanses. Eat vegetables. If you need to add apple juice to your kale to eat it, you've got a sugar addiction. Just eat the freaking vegetables! Juice isn't going to cleanse your freaking colon, fiber is, and you're losing like 80% or MORE of the fiber in your vegetables by juicing them! This ridiculous fad is a money-making machine. Don't be a patsy. Be a grown up and buy some broccoli.

Body wraps. I get that if you want to get rid of a little fat for a big date or a big show or something, this might be a good idea. But I'm not going to pay upwards to fifty bucks to wrap my stomach in plastic wrap for less than an inch of fat that will just come back once I drink some water.

Instant flavored oatmeal. Oh sure, let me just eat less than a hundred calories worth of empty carbohydrates first thing in the morning so I can crave sugar all day and pass out from hunger around noon. That sounds amazing. And healthy.

Disclaimer:
Please keep in mind, I'm not a professional. All I know is from what I've learned from professionals and my own personal experience in losing weight. I'm not blogging so I can sell something, I'm just ranting because I'm tired of getting advice from people who don't know what they're talking about. Rumors ruin people's health. I've done nearly every diet under the sun in the hopes of losing weight, and have discovered through trial and error what works for me.

1 comment:

Rustyn Rose said...

But Kale and Broccoli are so nasty =)