Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Body image

So, I think I might have a problem. Or not. I'm not exactly sure.

See, I used to be obese. I was 180lbs at 5'1". I lost 50lbs and was down to 130, a weight I never thought I'd be at. Well at 130 I wasn't happy still, so a few months ago I decided to lose more weight and try to be 125. Well I got down to 127 and thought, hey, I'm not close enough to where I wanna be. Maybe I should be 120. Now I'm 125 and I want to be 115. My therapist said he wants me to stop at 120 but I don't think I can. I want to be 115. I'm not doing it in an unhealthy way or anything, all I do is diet and exersize. But I've become very militant, and I'm still really unhappy with my body. So much I still can't wear shorts because embarassed about my fat thighs and stomach.

Well I have this friend who's body I adore. I always wanted to look like her. So I wanted to gauge my weight loss on her, get down to her size, and I thought if I did I'd be happy.

It turns out, as of right now, I am her size. But I STILL feel like she's 100 times thinner than I am. She wears clothes I would never imagine wearing and looks great. I wouldn't dare wear what she wears, even though we're the same size, and apparently, I even weigh less.

I'm 5'1" so being around 115 is supposed to be a healthy weight for me. I'm not worried that I'm going to do something seriously unhealthy. I'm worried that I have a real problem and that I'll never ever be able to be happy with myself. I mean, if I can't be happy with the way I look now, at the same weight and size as someone I admired, when will I be happy?

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