Saturday, September 5, 2009

Constant Reminders

Hooo boy... nothing reminds me that I need to lose weight more than a visit to a bar or a club! Had to go down to the place where my band usually plays ( Jaxx, for those of you who don't know ) and pick up the tickets that my band has to sell for our upcoming show with Moonspell. Well, we got there, I spoke to the dude in front, said hello to the folks I knew there, and he told me to wait a few while he asked "the big guy" to get my tickets. So I waited outside with the hubby while people filtered in and out of the club. It wasn't a very busy night, Doro was playing but I guess she's not bringing in crowds these days. And yanno that's sad, because I really like her and her music. I think she's a good representation of a chick who's bad ass, but doesn't have to slut it up for a crowd. Now, I'm facing this crossroads where I'm still working on my stage persona. Some days I think I want my hair straight, and to wear heels and lipstick.. other days I want to wear ripped jeans and big boots.. then sometimes I mix it all up with my steampunk getup.. and I dunno, yanno? Chicks in metal just don't look like me. They're all skinny. Everything they wear looks good!!

I don't have that luxury. I have HUGE hips, a wide ribcage, tiny boobs, and I'm short. S-H-O-R-T. Today I was reminded of how short I was when I saw a chick walk in with a black mini-skirt and cowboy boots, with looooong legs and such a skinny frame that her hip bones were jutting out of her sides. And holy GOD was I jealous of those hip bones. I saw my reflection in the door and saw all 121.9 lbs of myself and wanted to smack myself for those stolen spoon fulls of rice (5 in all) I
had, today. I felt so incompetent. And annoyed that I feel this way! Holy crap, I am not a whale, but compared to all these skinny bitches with their mini skirts and stomach-bearing shirts and the fact that I starve myself just to look the way I do now?? It's unbearable. Here's an example of what I look like, on stage.

I wore this outfit a few months ago, in Baltimore. Not my most dressed-up event, but it was summer-time and it was SUPER hot, so I didn't want to wear my coat or anything else that would bog me down. I look at myself in these pictures and I feel like I'm not good enough, compared to other females in metal. All of them have these personas, where they wear leather (well!) and have big boobs and they're skinny and hot.. and I'm just trying not to look fat. It's just not an even competition to me. All the while, I'm making sure I SOUND good, which really should be the priority. And don't get me wrong, people. It is. The way I sound is more important than any of this vanity, but I can't help but fear for the day when I see a nice blurb online about how my band would be great if their singer wasn't such a fat-ass.

6 comments:

big_mummy said...

hiya thanks for your comment on my blog, just came over for a read because i didnt recognise your name, and man alive, 121lb?? i have to lose more than that! You look amazing!!! Just the perfect build of what a woman should look like, rather than a teenage boy. And had you been happy that way i would be feeling wonderfully refreshed but instead it leaves me kinda sad. I think you look beautiful- i wish you could see you throught my eyes.
xx

screwdestiny said...

So, I haven't heard your music, and I don't really know how good you are, but I can assure you that if you can sing you're more talented than me. And you're probably more talented than a lot of the other bands out there that are at the stage you are. So when you're onstage, singing, doing your thing, you need to remember that what a lot of women are probably thinking is, I wish I could do that. Because having a great body doesn't mean you can do everything you want. There are probably a ton of women out there that would *love* to be a great singer and have stage presence and do what you do. So be happy that you have talent to do something you love, and also realize that if you work hard your body will eventually get to the point where you are happy with it. Shoot, I think you look good already.

Nina said...

Thank you both for your comments. I admit, a lot of the whining that I do about my weight makes me feel like an idiot, because you're both absolutely right.

Carlos said...

i think you are too hard on yourself... you look great

Amy said...

chick to chick, I think you're foxy (in a non lesbian kind of way....lol) so there's that. :) Actually, I like your look better than the skinny bitches, but that's just my opinion...

Hopeful said...

I don't understand why you are so mean to yourself. You are not a fat ass. I would kill to wear a top like you're wearing, and believe me, it is LOOONNNGGG way off.

Please, just stop being so hard on yourself. You are talented, you have passion. Respect that, and the rest will come.