Hooo boy... nothing reminds me that I need to lose weight more than a visit to a bar or a club! Had to go down to the place where my band usually plays ( Jaxx, for those of you who don't know ) and pick up the tickets that my band has to sell for our upcoming show with Moonspell. Well, we got there, I spoke to the dude in front, said hello to the folks I knew there, and he told me to wait a few while he asked "the big guy" to get my tickets. So I waited outside with the hubby while people filtered in and out of the club. It wasn't a very busy night, Doro was playing but I guess she's not bringing in crowds these days. And yanno that's sad, because I really like her and her music. I think she's a good representation of a chick who's bad ass, but doesn't have to slut it up for a crowd. Now, I'm facing this crossroads where I'm still working on my stage persona. Some days I think I want my hair straight, and to wear heels and lipstick.. other days I want to wear ripped jeans and big boots.. then sometimes I mix it all up with my steampunk getup.. and I dunno, yanno? Chicks in metal just don't look like me. They're all skinny. Everything they wear looks good!!
I don't have that luxury. I have HUGE hips, a wide ribcage, tiny boobs, and I'm short. S-H-O-R-T. Today I was reminded of how short I was when I saw a chick walk in with a black mini-skirt and cowboy boots, with looooong legs and such a skinny frame that her hip bones were jutting out of her sides. And holy GOD was I jealous of those hip bones. I saw my reflection in the door and saw all 121.9 lbs of myself and wanted to smack myself for those stolen spoon fulls of rice (5 in all) I
had, today. I felt so incompetent. And annoyed that I feel this way! Holy crap, I am not a whale, but compared to all these skinny bitches with their mini skirts and stomach-bearing shirts and the fact that I starve myself just to look the way I do now?? It's unbearable. Here's an example of what I look like, on stage.
I wore this outfit a few months ago, in Baltimore. Not my most dressed-up event, but it was summer-time and it was SUPER hot, so I didn't want to wear my coat or anything else that would bog me down. I look at myself in these pictures and I feel like I'm not good enough, compared to other females in metal. All of them have these personas, where they wear leather (well!) and have big boobs and they're skinny and hot.. and I'm just trying not to look fat. It's just not an even competition to me. All the while, I'm making sure I SOUND good, which really should be the priority. And don't get me wrong, people. It is. The way I sound is more important than any of this vanity, but I can't help but fear for the day when I see a nice blurb online about how my band would be great if their singer wasn't such a fat-ass.