Saturday, July 28, 2012
I've been doing that ever since. I work out alone. Please don't ask to join me, because I still have that embarrassment when I work out with people I know around me. I still have that anxiety. I feel like I'm just an ugly sweaty pig trying to do something I was not meant to do, and as hard as it is to do in front of strangers at the gym, I know for damn sure I can't do it in front of friends.
I also don't run outside anymore, because #1 my allergies in the warm months and #2 my asthma in the cold ones. People tell me to use the elliptical all the time. It's faster! It burns more calories! Blah blah blah. Yes, I know this. But where do you use an elliptical in real life?? You don't. Running is something humans have done for years. Something about putting one foot in front of the other feels very primal, to me. Like free weighs. I don't like machines because they were invented for people with disabilities. I do not have disabilities, so I use free weights, because they work more of your body. And I like that! And I like running. I'm not very fast, still, but I do it. Every workout I do at least 5k (3.12 miles) in under 32 minutes. On good days, I do it under 30. Is my goal to get down to a faster time? Sure... but I know I'll always be a slow runner. The point isn't that I do it fast. The point is that I do it. I was a chubby kid with no hope, and now, I'm a chubby adult who runs because... well, I don't know, really. It's kind of a miserable thing. Why do I run? I don't even know. I just know I have to, or I feel bad. Guilty. I feel accomplished every single time, after every single run. I feel tired and sometimes nauseous, too... but that accomplished feeling is irreplaceable.
So yeah, I might never be Wonder Woman, but that's okay. At the very least, I'll never be that hopeless kid in gym class, again. And who knows? Maybe if I cut back on the vodka, I could burn the rest of the fat off these thighs and show you the muscle I've been building.
...yeah, we'll see.