Brain Fights

It's freezing at work, today. Every day I walk about four or five blocks, something like that, in the freezing cold. Usually by the time I get here, it's warm. Today, for some reason, it's RIDICULOUSLY cold.. and it makes me want to eat something hot to make up for it. The problem is, what could I eat that's hot, wouldn't put me off plan, and wouldn't make me feel guilty?? Nothing, that's what. And I can't bring food or drink back to my workplace, so eating would be a temporary fix only.

But isn't it always?

Food angers me. No matterwhat, we always have to eat. And we never stop being hungry. Food is a part of life, but I really wish it wasn't. I wish I could stop being hungry so I wouldn't have to constantly make decisions like, "What do I want to eat?" because truthfully, I don't want to want to eat anything. I want to eat things, but they make me feel guilty. And when I eat things I'm allowed to eat, I feel bored and sad. Good is a source of misery, which is weird considering how much I love to cook. I love seeing other people enjoy my food, but eating it myself is like torture. Eating delicious things are an internal battle. Going to my favorite restaraunts involves internal arguments. Eating anything at work makes me feel like a failure, and the guilt makes me feel INSANE.

I've been eating once a day for the past few weeks, which is HORRIBLE for me. My metabolism is slow enough as it is, and I know that eating this way brings it to a grinding halt. The problem is that when I work, I have nobody to push me toward healthy eating habits but myself. And I will openly admit that I am too lazy to push myself, so the only time I eat is at night because my husband is hungry and if I don't eat with him, he'll be angry and suspicious.

Today, I feel nauseous. I almost ran out to vomit around an hour ago, but it seems to be under control now. Still, my stomach is cramped and in pain, probably due to eating out last night. Nobody else seems to be sick, though, so it might just be me. I don't know. I just know I'm driving myself crazy.

Stress = EAT

So last night I came accross my bank statement online and discovered that we're lower on funds than I had innitially thought. I freaked out. I went into a panic, and grabbed my comfort food; chips and salsa. I got through about 20 carbs worth of chips (basically, two and a half of those big round ones) before I stopped myself. I marched over to Willy, gave him the bag and said, "Eat these, please." He asked that I return them to the living room, which I did, and then contemplated ways to calm my nerves. Since it was getting late, I decided that sleep was a good option. So I asked him, "Honey, I'm having trouble winding down. What do you suggest? Besides Nyquil." He had no ideas, so I went with my gut and headed to the fridge.

See, we have a lot of alcohol at our place. A LOT of alcohol. We used to throw lots of parties, so we just accumulated it. In my fridge, I found a wedding gift that I hadn't finished appreciated. It's a bottle of wine called Bitch. For a wine with such a silly name, it's actually really good. Not too sweet, like most new-age wines. Very full flavored, some cinnamon, goes down smooth. I drank two glasses, and ate a turkey leg. Within half an hour, I was in dream land.

Now, I know that people will say you shouldn't eat before going to sleep. But I've also heard arguments against this. All I know is that if it's gonna help me sleep and wake up early, I'll take the chance. I woke up feeling fine, and both turkey and red wine are low carb. So, here's to me taking control of my emotional eating.

Oh, and off-topic, I hope those two White House party crashers get fined out the ass. They're a pair of complete douchebags.

Why I diet..

Besides the obvious, I diet because when I don't, I feel SICK. Eating like a "normal person" makes me feel bloated and nauseous. I came away from last week with a 5lb gain, and constant nausea. This morning, I was forced to throw away a perfectly good chai tea because they added sugar to it WITHOUT TELLING ME, GADDAMN IT. I felt so dumb that I just left and tossed it out. What a waste of money, but I know that if I drank that thing I'd feel bad emotionally and physically.

Looking back on Thanksgiving, I didn't exactly gorge either. I had some turkey, a little gravy, and a corn bisquit at my parents'. At Willy's, I had some stuffing and potatoes, plus a sliver of pie. We went out for drinks afterwards and I had a few french fries. Granted, these are TERRIBLE for me, but I didn't overeat either. It's just that eating even a little of that stuff makes me want to vomit, later. I feel so... FULL. It's gross. Momentary satisfaction and nothing more.

I need to keep reminding myself not to go off plan. This week it's easy, because all I need to do is remind myself of how gross I felt last week.

Ahhh, Friday...

It probably sounds strange, but Willy nailed it on the head once I got home. Why am I so happy? Because I've regained my title as his "sugar mama".

Before Willy got his first job, I -always- made more. I was used to treating him, feeling the responsibility of being the bread winner, and having the power. I was miserable making less... but now things have changed once again! I know, it's awful, and I'm certain that lots of the macho kind of men would be pissed at me, but FUCK YOU, MEN! HAHA!

Man does it feel good to have my weekends back... IT FEELS SO GOOD!

Awesomeness!!

Well, I'm in my first day of training. I can't say much, because it's all classified, BUT, I can tell you these tidbits:

- I get to wear a uniform! Unfortunately, the uniform fits horribly. The waist of the only pants that fit goes up to my rib cage, and the smallest shirt they had included sleeves extend past my thumb.

- The guy who hired me plays Warcraft, as does another of my coworkers. Unfortunately, he plays Alliance, so there was a small amount of trash talking.

- I'll probably be working in DC, which will be nice because it's Metro accessible.

- I'm not allowed to wear nail polish, and my hair has to stay up. Furthermore, I can't wear visible hair accessories, so I need to find a way to put my hair up without you seeing the thing that's holding it up. o_O I haven't worn my hair "up" since one of my recitals in the 6th grade. How I'm going to get my insane hair to stay up all day is beyond my understanding. Methinks I'm going to need a hair adviser. Anyone got any tips??

- This is a great incentive to keep dieting.. the position requires that I continue to fall within their weight restrictions, and during my interview, I managed to be under their "minimum". Which is kinda weird, because 128 shouldn't be a minimum for my height...

- I discovered that I'm not 5'1" after all. I'm 5' 1/2". Holy gaddamn.

FINALLY!

Hear ye, hear ye! The days of obsessively writing about how miserable I am are OVER! ...for now! I received a call today, right when I was about to close my register, which notified me that I was hired! I'll be working for a VERY good security company as their "computer person", and finally, after eight months of misery, be working a normal 9-5 in a position that I can be proud of. Besides doggy-style. (HA!) Anyway, I gave my other job my two weeks, but the big boss called and said it would be my last day. OH WELL.

Anyhow, ya'll can look forward to happier blogs from now on. In fact, this Sunday I'll be doing vocals for my next EP! It's with "A Sound of Thunder" and I am SO looking forward to it being finished!

Hurray for joy!!

Possible good mood?

I've got two interviews, today. They're both for positions that will pay more than what I'm getting, and the first is for something I actually wouldn't mind doing because it will help me get Secret Clearance. Also, I have a show at Fast Eddies tonight.

To celebrate, here's a video of me and the guys in rehearsal last night. Please forgive me for not being really energetic, I had to conserve it for tonight.