Gratitude Project (in a nutshell)

So if you're on my friends list, odds are you've come across the "gratitude project" in which people will list one thing they're grateful for every day. Every year I see this and think, "that's a great idea!", and every year I feel kind of guilty for wanting to put what I'm grateful for on Facebook every day because it feels like bragging. So instead, I'm just gonna put it on this blurg for today because on the way into work, I had a thought.

It's freaking gorgeous outside, today. This is the kind of day I should be going on a trip to the beach with Willy to frolic amidst the sand in the sun. I hate being cooped up on pretty days, especially on a Monday when I'm tired and annoyed. However. Then I remember what it was like before I had a decent job, when waking up meant facing the realization that I'd been laid off one of those three times. The third time gave way to the most depressing moment of my life, when I was laid off from a job that I actually liked and where I actually tried really hard to be an upbeat productive member of a team. I came to work early every day. I got my work done early. I spoke up during every meeting, voicing my opinion, giving feedback, and generally acting like a leader in an area I had actual knowledge in (educational gaming software) only for them to tell me, after a few months, that the client no longer wanted a fun game and they wouldn't need me anymore. Bye bye. Go away. The receptionist will see you out.

Oh. Okay.

Enter a good month of depression where I applied to every single job in the world and was THIS CLOSE to waitressing at a seafood restaurant. I have no shame when it comes to work. I do not believe in jobs being "beneath me". I believe in jobs and I believe in working hard because when my parents came to this country, they had nothing. I've got a college degree, so what's my excuse for not working? Oh, it doesn't pay enough? Too fucking bad. I was willing to work at McDonalds until I could find better. I wound up working in a greenhouse, which I actually sort of enjoyed because I love plants and I was able to grow food on our balcony on the cheap. I was getting paid half of what I was used to and living in a studio apartment with another human and my cat. It was sad. I was sad. All the time. This was actually when I met Josh and Chris and was introduced to A Sound of Thunder, which made me very not sad. This was also when I got married! Even during the worst time of my life, I had blessings. I'm fortunate.

And now? I can't even begin to list my blessings. Not only do I have a good job in the city (which I love), but it pays well. I can get overtime. I get to wear dresses and get mani/pedis every two weeks. I make enough money to pay for whatever car I want and live in a nice neighborhood with nice neighbors. I can walk to my grocery store. I can afford artisan cheese every week. I can eat a low carb diet and feel healthy. Despite my many complaints about my body, I'm very healthy and can function as a productive member of society. I'm not disfigured in any way, so dudes still buy me drinks. I've got a band. I'm recording a new album. There are people all over the world who listen to me and enjoy hearing me sing. I have fans. I still have a 27" waist. I have someone who loves me. My teeth are straight.

I can't list all my blessings on here because there are way too many. I'm lucky, not just because I was given a great family with great values, but because I inherited their work ethic. I see ladies cleaning sinks and cutting grass, and (our race in common aside...), that could easily have been me. I could be the janitor working at the office building, but instead I'm the lady in the dress sitting at the front desk. I might get annoyed with some tenets of the job, but who isn't sometimes? The fact is that I was able to move up from a greenhouse to a place that will allow me to live in a way that I don't only enjoy, but love. So instead of being annoyed that I have to be at work on a Monday, I'm thankful that I get to be at work on a Monday. Sure, some people have it better, but some people also have it much much worse.

And at least I get to go for a nice walk on my lunch break.

Running..OH GOD

Went on my 2nd run of the year.. lol Haven't run since the fall, and my body was in bad shape. When I did my first on, on Saturday, I knew it would be followed by about a week of soreness. Once I get over the initial soreness of the first week, I'm usually alright. Today, after getting over the hurt, I tried again for 1.5 miles. OH GOD. Once I got to the uphill trail back to the house, I got a massive headache/earache. No idea why, but my ears were pounding with pain. I got back, drank some water, and collapsed.

Methinks I should research whats up with that earache so it NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN.

Also, best news evar.. WILLY GOT HIS JOB BACK!! He's making 50k now, instead of the old 40-something, which means that combined with my 46.5k a year, we're almost making 100k. O_O Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.............. NOW GIMME A HOUSE, DAMN IT.

Just keep swimming..

Well, Willy didn't get that particular job.. but! He is being looked at by a few other employees. I tell ya what, man, it's a total buyers market right now. I wish I had the dough to start my own evil restaraunt because god knows I'd have the pick of the litter when it comes to employees! Unfortunately, despite many dreams about buying my favorite club, I'm nowhere close to it. So I'm just gonna keep hoping that my husband GETS A JOB so that we can buy this house his grandmother is showing us.

It's a small one, but it's a house. And I need to move out before I GO CRAZY.

A wing and a prayer..

Dear God,

I ask, in your infinite wisdom, that you allow Willy to get this job. If he does, in fact, get this job, it will mean very good things.

First of all, I'll be able to finally buy a house. Second of all, I will be able to decorate it as garishly and insanely as I want. Picture PeeWee's Playhouse, but with more weapons. Now, that doesn't mean I'll be leaving YOU out, of course. The house I'm looking at sits on half an acre. That means I'll be able to have a garden, and in that garden, I will have a statue of St. Francis. I will also, somewhere, have a statue of your girl, Mary. I plan on surrounding these statue with roses, which I will tend like an old lady, to encourage blooming.

I will fill one of those five bedrooms with a kid. The other four will be reserved for Willy and I, a computer room, a guest room, and my evil Blood Stud--, I mean, a cute little library.

I will cook in that enormous kitchen for my husband, kid, and our drunken (go sacrificial wine!) guests. I will scrub, and sweep, and wipe, and everything else to keep my home as clean and beautiful as possible. I will tend to my lawn, wash my cars, and yes Lord, I will attend church every Sunday to remind myself that without you, I'd have no beautiful house.

So please, God. Help me to do your good work, and let Willy have this job.

Besides, with two paychecks, I can finally afford these really adorable shoes I've been eyeing. For church going, of course.

Diet Religions

Diets are a lot like religions; when someone questions yours, you become defensive and insulted. That's how I feel, anyway, but it's hard not to when you're being questioned. It's hard to eat low-carb around people who still hold on to the old "low fat" values.. but even when those values are PROVEN not to work, they still criticize and look at me like a crazy person for eating the way I do, and having my husband do the same.

I'm hoping that someday, we'll have the freedom to discuss diet and religion without being looked at like weirdos. I still feel like an outcast for being Catholic, but that's another complaint entirely.

Willy got an e-mail from a company asking to talk, so I'm hoping that he'll have some good news for me today. Unfortunately, the job is in Baltimore, which means we'll need to look for a half-way point if he gets the job, which annoys the hell out of me. I wanted to live in Virginia, but it looks like we'll be stuck in Maryland. I love my Maryland, but man, I loved my Virginia more.

Your MOM!

Okay, so we're living with his family for a bit. Not a big deal. Or at least, it SHOULDN'T be. Willy and I decided to move in with his family to save money while he's out of a job, and it's really not bad, but man, I hate living in other people's homes.. I miss having my own fridge, my own living room, my own messes to clean up off of my own rug. We're using this time to find Willy a new job, and buy a house. It's a scary and exciting prospect, but all the good stuff needs to wait until after Willy gets a job. Which sucks, 'cuz it's Christmas. The last thing people want is to do paper work for a new hire, so we're hoping he'll find something after the holiday season.

Not that it took me eight months, or anything...

I'm just hoping he'll be able to find a job close to mine. The last thing we need is for him to be pulled to the other side of Maryland. It takes me two hours to get to work, right now. TWO HOURS. That's a little crazy, for me. I need to be up at four, out at four thirty, ect. I think the worst part of my week will be Thursdays, when I need to drive to Manassas for band practice. I love band practice, but all that driving when I need to be in bed by nine, and practice ends at ten? Ugh. It's going to kill me, I know it...

And I'm fairly certain now, that after having three days of good sleep, my headaches are caused by my not getting enough of it. I've felt great these past few days, and I don't want to go back to being crippled by my brain screaming at me.

Anyhow, that's me right now. Had a bit of a binge episode on Sunday, caused in part by the in-laws asking me to make paella. Like I'm not going to eat my own cooking, right?? Oh man...

Ahhh, Friday...

It probably sounds strange, but Willy nailed it on the head once I got home. Why am I so happy? Because I've regained my title as his "sugar mama".

Before Willy got his first job, I -always- made more. I was used to treating him, feeling the responsibility of being the bread winner, and having the power. I was miserable making less... but now things have changed once again! I know, it's awful, and I'm certain that lots of the macho kind of men would be pissed at me, but FUCK YOU, MEN! HAHA!

Man does it feel good to have my weekends back... IT FEELS SO GOOD!

Awesomeness!!

Well, I'm in my first day of training. I can't say much, because it's all classified, BUT, I can tell you these tidbits:

- I get to wear a uniform! Unfortunately, the uniform fits horribly. The waist of the only pants that fit goes up to my rib cage, and the smallest shirt they had included sleeves extend past my thumb.

- The guy who hired me plays Warcraft, as does another of my coworkers. Unfortunately, he plays Alliance, so there was a small amount of trash talking.

- I'll probably be working in DC, which will be nice because it's Metro accessible.

- I'm not allowed to wear nail polish, and my hair has to stay up. Furthermore, I can't wear visible hair accessories, so I need to find a way to put my hair up without you seeing the thing that's holding it up. o_O I haven't worn my hair "up" since one of my recitals in the 6th grade. How I'm going to get my insane hair to stay up all day is beyond my understanding. Methinks I'm going to need a hair adviser. Anyone got any tips??

- This is a great incentive to keep dieting.. the position requires that I continue to fall within their weight restrictions, and during my interview, I managed to be under their "minimum". Which is kinda weird, because 128 shouldn't be a minimum for my height...

- I discovered that I'm not 5'1" after all. I'm 5' 1/2". Holy gaddamn.

FINALLY!

Hear ye, hear ye! The days of obsessively writing about how miserable I am are OVER! ...for now! I received a call today, right when I was about to close my register, which notified me that I was hired! I'll be working for a VERY good security company as their "computer person", and finally, after eight months of misery, be working a normal 9-5 in a position that I can be proud of. Besides doggy-style. (HA!) Anyway, I gave my other job my two weeks, but the big boss called and said it would be my last day. OH WELL.

Anyhow, ya'll can look forward to happier blogs from now on. In fact, this Sunday I'll be doing vocals for my next EP! It's with "A Sound of Thunder" and I am SO looking forward to it being finished!

Hurray for joy!!

Possible good mood?

I've got two interviews, today. They're both for positions that will pay more than what I'm getting, and the first is for something I actually wouldn't mind doing because it will help me get Secret Clearance. Also, I have a show at Fast Eddies tonight.

To celebrate, here's a video of me and the guys in rehearsal last night. Please forgive me for not being really energetic, I had to conserve it for tonight.

Life Sucks

Well, it looks like I might not get to open for Hammerfall. I won't get into detail because I'm too angry, but, the guy at the club has been lying and it looks like basically, all our hard work has been for nothing. Seriously, FML right now. (FML means "fuck my life".)

Tomorrow I get to start my new schedule at the greenhouse, which starts on Saturday and ends on Tuesday. This weird-ass way of working is fucking with me more than I can describe. No more days with my husband. No more sleeping in on Sundays. No more GOING TO CHURCH. Seriously, fuck the owner, it's not like his ass has to come in on a Sunday, so he decides to make ME work Sundays? Why? What's the point? Even the lady doing the scheduling doesn't get the point of changing my days, but anything to please that giant asshole, right?

Applying to more jobs, now.

Oh, what a surprise.

Turns out that the guy with the so-called "marketing position" lied. No salary or benefits. Just a telemarketing job that paid $8.50 per hour.

Driving home, I considered just driving through 66 until I reached the mountains, and then laying down on the ground to watch the clouds go by. It's gotten to the point where I'm too buried in depression that I don't cry, anymore. I just come home and cook dinner. Then I send resume after resume like a robot, before writing a thousand words for my novel. Then I go to sleep.

Today will be no different. I'm gonna go help my guitarist paint a house, make a few dollars for grocery money, and contemplate what life would have been like if I'd just gone to medical school like I really should have. I could be training to be a plastic surgeon, right now... what the hell was I thinking? Being an artist blows.

Spiraling

I'm getting deeper into my rut, today. Learned that I have to work weekends from now on. So, absolutely no days with my husband. Just nights where we're working on our respective websites/projects/bands/portfolios, or I'm too angry about everything, it's too dark to take a walk, and he hates going to the gym. So basically it's like we're roommates. We got married so we could be roommates and spend no real time together because we're too busy looking for better jobs.

Tomorrow's my interview. Lets see what the hell happens. After my interview, I'll be going to help one of my guitarists paint a house he's sold so I can make a few extra bucks. Will probably go toward gas for the car.

Willy keeps telling me to do some life drawing to supplement my resume, but I have this urge to finish my novel. And I know that if I don't keep writing, I'll drop out of my inspiration. I've been doing from 1,000 - 3,000 words a day, and I know that if I keep it up, I'll be finished by the end of 2009. I really want to finish something for once. I've been reading so much lately, and I've noticed that a lot of the books I've read SUCK. So why the hell can't I put out a gaddamn novel?? I know I need new art, but I just can't bring myself to do it right now. I feel guilty for not writing when I draw, and I feel guilty for not drawing while I write. And when I'm at work I feel like I'm wasting time doing nothing that will bring me closer to my goals.

I've been trying my damndest to get out of my current habit of saying "Oh God, kill me," at points of stress and despair. I don't mean it. I don't want to die. I don't know why I keep saying it, but it just slips out sometimes. Maybe I just wish that I could go to sleep and wake up to someone wanting to hire me. Or a record deal. Or a book deal. Anything that would rescue me. I've been trying for so long. I remember when I used to go to therapy, back when my only problem was my bipolar disorder and discontentment about my old job. I'd give anything to have that job back, now. It was brainless and I did nothing, but it was money and peace of mind. I have no peace of mind, anymore. Just constant worry and guilt.

Cool Pictures + Despair

Well, it looks like I'll be working on Sundays from now on. Which means I'll have no day that I can spend with my husband. I have an interview Wednesday, but my pessimism won't allow me to see much good in it. I'm fairly confident that we'll end up moving back in with Willy's parents and that I'll have a 2 hour commute to get to a shitty job every morning. And then I will go nowhere for at least a few years until either I suddenly get a record deal, or die of inadequacy.

Also, the squirrels have been eating the leftover unsold pie pumpkins at work, so I rescued a couple to bake and gather seeds.

And here's some cool pictures of me!

My favorite holiday!

Well, it's Halloween! This is my favorite holiday. I used to think I'd throw a party every year, but this year it's a no go. Fortunately, we DID find a good substitute... Willy and I are going to see Dethklok on Halloween!! Tomorrow, after work, he'll be picking me up and we'll spend my favorite holiday watching some incarnation of Dethklok. Now, that doesn't spare me the steaming hot slice of guilt I feel when indulging in Halloween treats, but... hopefully it will be a distraction! Right now, I'm making brownies for the people at work. I'm praying that, despite how much I love the people I work with, I won't work there much longer.

I went and applied to an office position, today. The lady didn't look terribly excited about me, and I saw another applicant leave before I got there.. she looked like a teenager and she was wearing sweatpants. Holy crap I hope I don't get rejected because I'm OVER-qualified... I need a new job so badly. I'm not sure what else to do!

Eh, that's enough whining for today... happy Halloween!

Big trouble in little Manassas.

Well, it looks like Willy and I have planning to do. As an artist in the gaming industry, it's always hard to have a lasting job, and with the economy the way it is, we're always worrying about what his job will bring. Well, I'm literally making HALF of what I once made, which means there's NO WAY we can live off of my paycheck. So if something happens with his job, we'll probably have to do... something. What that something is fills me with shame and depression; moving in with his parents.

Now, I love his parents. Don't get me wrong. They live in a beautiful neighborhood, but it's aaaaaall the way in Maryland, and my job is aaaaaall the way in Fairfax, so I'd be stuck in a horrendous commute if we ended up moving. Sure, we wouldn't have to worry about paying rent for a while, but oh god... moving back in with mom and dad because he can't find another job would be devastating. I'm really scared, right now. We're used to packing all of our stuff into teeny tiny spaces (hence the studio!!) but I'm so scared. We've been going backwards in our progression as successful adults ever since I was laid off, and now it looks like things might even be worse.

I don't even have time to worry about my bad eating habits. Lately I've been having stomach issues, but I'm going to blame that on going back on my plan after a few days of eating crappy. I've been craving cold vegetables and salad like CRAZY for the past few days. I feel so weird. Maybe it's stress.

So sad...

So once again, this year Willy and I have had to miss out on the Maryland Renn Faire. The year I graduated college, I worked there during the weekends, and it was one of the best times of my life. I miss being able to go every weekend, to see people setting up, to buy pretty things, to do all of the things I could do when I lived with my parents and didn't need to spend money on silly things like rent. Back then, all I had to worry about were my car payments and insurance, and my student loan.

Amazing how much the bills pile up when you leave the nest.

Nowadays, Willy and I basically just go to work so we can afford to live and go to work. We go out every once in a while, but not at the amount that keeps me happy. Working on Saturdays and having band practice on Sundays does limit me, but so does our budget. It makes me pine for the days when I made literally TWICE the amount that I make now. I can't even describe how awful it is to work a job that I am overqualified for, because I can't seem to find a job in my field. And that alone is depressing enough, and I can't go out or party the way I once did. I can't even hold my own parties anymore, which I used to enjoy to a crazy amount, because we live in a studio on our own.

Basically, things suck and I'm whining. Probably won't get better until one of us gets a better paying job, but I know it's up to me to do that before him. 'cuz, yanno, I been laid off THREE TIMES, and at this point I'm just desperate for a job that will actually have need of the things I went to college for.

Oh, dreams.

Nothing

Still no word back from the interview I did last week. Gave them a call, guy wasn't in, left a message.. said he'd get back to me by Monday. Doubt he will, if he's already filled the position.

I feel so depressed I could throw up. I've got sadness nausea. First I have to see my fat thighs in a short skirt, and now this.. I hope I do well enough here with this contract position that they'll want me more, but I dunno. We'll see. I doubt it. Doesn't seem like anyone wants me, right now. Boy could I use a drink.

Fear is popular

So I haven't written in here because honestly, I've been afraid to. I've been afraid of updating my little progress, because I've literally made very little. I now have two jobs; one, working 44 hours a week as a cashier at a plant nursery. Two, working part-time at an office in DC, where I update their website, and may eventually help them build a new one. So I've got two jobs, which, when added together, do not pay as much as I made during my last one. Or even during my first one. This is very depressing, BUT... at least I am working.

At least I have a job. At least I can write in my resume that I never stopped working within my field. During my time working retail, I've not only done contract work, but also part-time work within the graphic design world. So, I'm not COMPLETELY off track. Not completely. And I continue to get people calling and e-mailing, asking if I'm interested in interviews. So far, they've only been for contract jobs. But I have faith that things will change someday. In the meantime, at least I have these two jobs.

I'll admit it, though. I am still terribly depressed. How can I not be? I lost the best job of my life. I lost the happiest time I've ever had working. I lost something that I can only hope I can replace, someday. And yet, in spite of it all, I'm getting married in 3 months. So the world isn't really that horrible, is it? Not if love can help me through it.

Easter Saturday

Well, it's Easter weekend. That means the end of Lent.

When I started this, I was at the top of my game. Great job, band had lots of gigs, and I was the happiest I'd ever been. Fasting made it impossible for me to function correctly, so I had to stop. I realized that physically, I wasn't able to go without food for too long. Then the big hitter. I got laid off. I've been overwhelmingly depressed ever since, and nothing.. not my band, not the weather, not even my fiance can tear me out of this funk until I get a new job. I need work to survive. I feel useless without it. I know that may sound strange, but not working is horrible to me.

Since being laid off, I've been job searching like a crazy person. Every waking moment, I am at my computer. I've gotten a few odd jobs doing some graphic work for one company, but I don't like working with them. Their boss is flaky and I do not enjoy how he talks to me, like I am a talentless good-for-nothing and he doesn't have to pay me for the countless hours I've put into his assignments. I just want to get my money and never speak to him again.

I've had a few job interviews, but nothing really promising. I've been depressed out of my mind, until yesterday. I got a call from two places. One, the Onion, which may hire me to do some promoting for them. That would be wonderful. Two, a company that needs someone to come in for only four hours a week to do a little web maintenance. That much I can do, but it's not enough. I need a real full time job, and if I can't get that, I don't know what I'll do.

Basically, I am scared. I have bills, I have a wedding, I have too many things on the horizon that require the sort of money I was making a month ago. I am angry and upset, and I am hurt. I would give anything for my old job back, but since I know that's impossible, I have to keep looking for something else. And it's so horrible to be stuck at home with nothing to look forward to but more job searching. Right now, I kinda hate my life. The little things that made it great pale in comparison to the horrible reality that I am unemployed.

Man, I hate that word.