Damned if I do; damned if I don't

Well as it turns out, I hate eating normal. The oatmeal in the morning made me crazy hungry throughout the day, and eating bread makes me feel bloated. Tonight I went out and bought stuff to make myself breakfast and lunch. I've got eggs for breakfast, and for lunch, salad with chicken and cherry tomatoes. I'm hoping that the tomatoes will be enough sugar to keep me from getting all nauseous again.

I just can't sit idly by and feel myself become fatter by eating "normal people food". My carbs will continue to come from vegetables, and I'll just have to try and eat a small amount of fruit or something to get the sugar that I need.

In the meantime, allergies are kicking my ass. Welcome, Spring!

Health Crap

So, for the last few days, I've been suffering from severe nausea. And here I thought it was from eating badly! After having to leave from work early to see a doctor, I've discovered that it might be due to 2 things;

1. Not enough sugar intake.
2. Ovarian cysts.

Doctor said there were ketones in my urine. So while I'm like "Alright, ketosis! Losing weight!" he's like, "You're probably feeling sick because of a severe imbalance," which makes me very sad. I'm a huge proponent of living a low carb lifestyle, and by that, I mean that I feel SEVERE GUILT when I eat bread and anything with sugar.

So I thought to myself, self, what if we try South Beach? I looked it up, but I had dismissed this diet many times before because it always looked like an Atkins rip-off. I was absolutely right. It is a total Atkins rip-off, except that it's easier to follow, because it lets you eat beans and nuts during induction.

Now, while I have seen people lose weight on South Beach, I have never known anyone to lose it and keep it off. I have kept off most of the weight I've lost, but, I feel like I've gained about 5 pounds over the winter this year. My pants feel slightly tight at the stomach, and I'm terrified of gaining weight back. I don't have a scale because it's in storage, so I'm flying blind, but all I know is that I feel uncomfortable. So either I'm crazy, or I've gained back a few pounds. And now I'm learning that losing it the way I usually do will make me sick.

Gaddamn it all.

Parasite?

This week has been hell.

I had band practice on Tuesday night, followed by Wednesday which was chock-full of food poisoning. Then a gig. Today I have band practice again, but after that gig I got a whopping 5 hours of sleep and am now insanely tired. Also, my neck hurts from the headbanging, and my stomach is still killing me.

Ugh.......

I was wrong!!

I ended up not getting to sleep until 11. x_x Tonight I've got band practice, which means I probably won't even be home until 11, let alone in bed.. and then I gotta get up at 4 for work, and after work, my birthday party! Did I mention that today is my birthday?

I MISS MY SLEEP!!

Friday night will be spent partying, but I still need to wake up at a decent hour to do some recording on Saturday morning for a song.. which means that I won't get a good night's sleep until... Saturday night. Oh boy. To top it all off, I'm having horrible stomach pains. All I had for dinner last night was pork and seukreuat, and this morning I had bacon and eggs with coffee and a big bottle of water, so I figured I'd be alright for the day. Oh, my poor retarded stomach. Here's hoping I'm not getting sick.

Brain Fights

It's freezing at work, today. Every day I walk about four or five blocks, something like that, in the freezing cold. Usually by the time I get here, it's warm. Today, for some reason, it's RIDICULOUSLY cold.. and it makes me want to eat something hot to make up for it. The problem is, what could I eat that's hot, wouldn't put me off plan, and wouldn't make me feel guilty?? Nothing, that's what. And I can't bring food or drink back to my workplace, so eating would be a temporary fix only.

But isn't it always?

Food angers me. No matterwhat, we always have to eat. And we never stop being hungry. Food is a part of life, but I really wish it wasn't. I wish I could stop being hungry so I wouldn't have to constantly make decisions like, "What do I want to eat?" because truthfully, I don't want to want to eat anything. I want to eat things, but they make me feel guilty. And when I eat things I'm allowed to eat, I feel bored and sad. Good is a source of misery, which is weird considering how much I love to cook. I love seeing other people enjoy my food, but eating it myself is like torture. Eating delicious things are an internal battle. Going to my favorite restaraunts involves internal arguments. Eating anything at work makes me feel like a failure, and the guilt makes me feel INSANE.

I've been eating once a day for the past few weeks, which is HORRIBLE for me. My metabolism is slow enough as it is, and I know that eating this way brings it to a grinding halt. The problem is that when I work, I have nobody to push me toward healthy eating habits but myself. And I will openly admit that I am too lazy to push myself, so the only time I eat is at night because my husband is hungry and if I don't eat with him, he'll be angry and suspicious.

Today, I feel nauseous. I almost ran out to vomit around an hour ago, but it seems to be under control now. Still, my stomach is cramped and in pain, probably due to eating out last night. Nobody else seems to be sick, though, so it might just be me. I don't know. I just know I'm driving myself crazy.

Owwwwwwwwwww my head...

I'm finally buckling down and scheduling a doctor's appointment, today. I've gotten a bit sick of waking up with the same headache, just to pop a few ibuprofen to make them go away.

In other news, my bass player isn't coming to practice again tonight. Apparently, he'll be in Florida. Why? Who the hell knows!

As for me, I'll be busily taking care of my headache with yet another round of doctors visits. Last time this happened, I had an MRI which showed nothing. Which I guess is a relief, but I kinda wish they found out why my brain is constantly screaming. My migraines just sorta went away, then. Coincidentally, now that I think about it, they were happening around the same time last year... but I don't FEEL sick with allergies. What, do I get seasonal migraines?? This is fucking retarded.

Excuses

I keep using excuses to eat the way I shouldn't. Last night I was feeling so miserable that I ate a few crackers. They weren't horrible for me (flax seed), but I shouldn't be eating them. Yes, I am guilty of using food to make me feel better. Not just make me feel better, but feel good. I get food "highs". It's a shame I wasn't born skinny with one of those fancy skinny metabolisms like the people in my husband's family has. I'm so jealous of skinny people it makes me sick.

Anyhow, the reason I've been feeling so bad is because (warning, TMI ahead) I'm having some side effects with my current birth control. The side effects are making a certain thing last very long. Over a month long, in fact. And during this month of hell I have been having annoying stomach pain, fatigue, and constant depression. I've also spent what feels like a fortune on chick supplies. And what sucks the most is that I can't go to a doctor yet because my husband just sent in our marriage license. So now, I get to wait for the powers-that-be to get my new insurance card before I can pay a visit to my doctor and ask what the hell is wrong with me and what I should do. Should I switch birth control pills? Should I keep on it and hope it evens itself out, someday?

And another irritation is the fact that, after reading up on many people's review of this pill, a ton of people claim that they've gained weight on it. Which sucks for ME, because while I've been hovering around the 122-124 area, there's a possibility that my stupid pills are keeping me from losing more!! And the whole point of me taking these pills is to regulate my hormones and make it less likely for me to get cysts (which run in my family). So who knows, maybe I'm freaking screwed either way.. what's funny is that the first time I ever went on BC, I wasn't even really sexually active. I wasn't for a long time (for numerous reasons, most of them religious), and I was on Ortho-Tri-Cyclen-Lo or however the hell you write it. I got no side-effects at all, but this crap I'm on right now is just a freaking pain.

I wouldn't mind going off the pill, but, I'm married now. I kinda want to enjoy it without having to worry about getting preggo while living in a one-room studio and playing in a metal band and trying working several jobs. Babies are not something that I need, right now.

I am moody as hell, in case you couldn't tell.

Day 2 (Cont.)

It's almost noon, and I'm feeling weird. Nauseous, pressure in my forehead, and kinda weak. My right arm is throbbing with the symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome, and I'm a little shaky. I did have a cup of coffee, so I'm wondering if this is an effect of the caffeine. I'm drinking lots of water, but it doesn't seem to be helping.

Hoping that this will pass, soon. I made an appointment to see the doctor on Monday, so, here's hoping my hand will be okay. It's painful to draw right now.

Still sick?

I'm unsure if I'm still sick or not. I've been nauseous since Thursday, unintereted in eating, and it doesn't seem to be going away. It's been effecting ym diet terribly, because I can't bring myself to eat any meat or anything I should be eating. I feel tired all the time, and I have that mix of nausea/hunger where I know I -want- to eat, but I'm afraid to.What is going on??

Sick day!

As someone who's used to being sick, it should come to no surprise that I have some sort of rogue stomach bug today. I've had it since yesterday morning and besides feeling nauseous, I'm also a bit dizzy. This alone should have kept me from driving to work, but I persivered because I thought that maybe I'd be able to handle it. This doesn't seem to be the case as I keep getting that "about to throw up" feeling and am constantly feeling dizzy and spaced out. Not good at all.

On another note, I discovered a quick and easy way to make better grass in 3d Max, so that's always good.