Friday, January 4, 2013

Another year, more whining, waaah...

Well, this is it. The last year of my 20's. I've had a lot of fantastic youthful experiences which have involved drinking and partying and oh so many things. I loved my 20's. Having been sheltered by my parents until I was 22, moving out after college was my awakening. I did everything I wasn't allowed to do. I got a fast car, stayed out late, drank booze with friends in weird places, and dressed however I wanted whenever I wanted! (Except at work.) All while being tied to the same guy I met when I was 19. How very crazy of me.

Anyhow, now I'm turning 29 (IN TEN DAYS, OH GOD) and I'm scared. I'm so scared!! I remember when Willy's best friend turned 25 and how much he whined about it. Now he's about to turn 30, he's getting married, and here Willy and I am living in a place we own. We own a place. We have a cat. WE'RE ADULTS AND I HATE IT. If only I could go back to those carefree days in Manassas when I "worked" (I didn't do much) at a place where I had my own office and lived in an apartment with roommates. Thems was the days. I suppose it isn't like I feel any LESS free, now. I suppose in many ways, I'm even more free. I travel more, I have more money (kinda..), and I've got a lot more going on musically.

Me in '08.. wanna wear those jeans again!

The only thing that's missing is my figure. Backin Manassas, I was a steady 122 for a long time. This was my lowest weight and I was able to cling to it. I kept trying to lose more, and at one point even made it to 119, but 122 was definitely the best I could do without going crazy. I wore a size 6 pair of jeans. What I wouldn't give to be back to that! Since then, I've steadily magically horribly gained and lost the same 10-15lbs. It's a bad habit that I blame mostly on our touring schedule and my friends all being so gaddamn supportive. COME ON, GUYS. Why can't everyone be as mean to me as I am to myself? That's a terrible request, I take it back. But seriously, I gotta lose this weight and get back to 122. I discovered recently that I can't fit into those size 6 jeans anymore, and it broke my heart. I loved those jeans. I drove to St. Paul in those jeans. How could I not fit them, anymore!? I feel like I betrayed myself, so, it's back to eating clean for me.

Luckily, I've been good about going to the gym every week, so I don't need to start all over again. I never stopped running and a lot of my clothes still fit, but you know me.. I gain it all in my legs and thats the hardest place to lose weight. But gosh darnit, it's a new year, and I refuse to spend it miserable in my own body. I know how to lose weight, I just need to regain the old patience that I once had and f'ing do it.

As of today, I've been clean since January 2nd. I know, big deal, but the first few days are the hardest. I've been trying to stick to clean eating by making sure I've always got food around me, in case I feel the need to cheat. So instead of grabbing chocolate, I'm grabbing almonds. Instead of making excuses because I'm too tired to cook, I've got a pot roast in the crock pot RIGHT NOW. So long as I can continue to plan in advance, this shouldn't be too hard... so bring it on, new year!

It seems like 2013 is gonna have a lot more opportunities, so the last thing I need is to feel like I missed out on them because I'm too fat. ONWARD AND FORWARD! String cheese and pickles!

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