What the hell is wrong with you people?!

So I know I have this problem, where I see people who have similar bodies to mine, and I'm jealous of them, but I still see myself as a cow. That aside... I found this article online at "Drunken Stepfather", a NSFW site (you might like it, Carlos!) about Chloe Kardashian in a dress that they considered too revealing for a "fat chick" like her. Holy mother of GOD. Look at this freaking WHALE. Here is the article.I know, right??? Look how FAT she is... the cellulite... the goey thighs... the giant gut... oh wait. She has NONE OF THOSE. Yet whoever wrote this article, who I am going to assume at this point is either an ultra-thin supermodel, or an overweight dude. He even included a close up of her tiny little belly. What the hell is wrong with people, nowadays? Just when I think it's okay, maybe I can loosen up on myself a little bit.. I see this and it makes me feel even worse. Because this is the consensus of the public. That a girl who looks like this is fat. It makes me want to punch everyone.

Now, for a small update on my own stupidity, I'm eating again, eating on my plan and hoping to stick to it. I'm trying to get over the fact that it feels good to fucking starve, because I know it's not good for me and it's not helping. Woo. This morning, I tried to return to my roots and made my favorite breakfast; scrambled eggs with tomatoes. If only I had some bacon, I'd have been in heaven. However, I feel that it's my duty to tell you that I did eat breakfast at... 1 PM. 'cuz that's around when I woke up. I don't know how I managed to sleep for 13 hours, but there ya go!

Oooh, gossip!

So one of the chicks from Baywatch has gained a bit of weight. Not THAT much, mind you.. she's maybe a 12 at most. Depends on her height. Anyway, she's gonna be on Celebrity Fit Club and she made this video. Now it's funny, because the Superficial is a website full of people who make fun of fate people like it's a sport. But for this video, a good 90% of the people posting are saying that they'd STILL hit that, she's not that fat, and the two dudes in the water are way fatter.

I totally agree. I still think the video is funny because of the ending, but damn, if this is what Hollywood is considering super ass fat, then we're in big trouble.

How does this hit me, personally? It hits me pretty badly, because my body is pretty similar to this chick's. I don't have the stomach, but everything else? Yes... which is why when I see those guys reject her, I feel reassured that I'm a huge fat-ass and need to keep trying to lose weight. Even though everyone is all, "Oh you're not fat!" I'll never feel like I'm thin until I'm Baywatch thin.

I was watching that new Comedy Central show, "Secret Girlfriend" (it's terrible) and there was a scene where these girls were playing kickball. I told Willy, "See, that's why I'm jealous of skinny girls. Look how much fun they're having." And he told me it was all in my head, I could totally have that much fun if I wanted to. He doesn't get it. I can NEVER have that much fun, because the entire time I'd be playing, I'd be afraid that some part of me that isn't my boobs would be jiggling, which would lead to people laughing at me. I'm not kidding. I go through every moment of my life afraid that someone is laughing at me for being fat. It's pretty damn taxing, but there you go.

I wish that I could wake up one day and have skinny thighs, and be able to wear shorts and run freely with all of the other giggling pretty girls. Wouldn't that be amazing? Holy shit.

Musicians and Weight

So as ya'll know, I'm a musician. For a long time I've had problems with my weight, and despite people telling me I'm "okay", I've always been of the mind-set that I need to be thinner because I am always on stage. Now I'll admit, part of me thinks that this is absolutely stupid. I'm not an unhealthy weight. I look fine. I'm only losing weight to fit in with a stupid stereotype that should NOT be encouraged. In fact, I feel horrible for encouraging it! Me losing 15 more pounds is me telling other women that it doesn't matter how talented you are, you don't matter unless you're skinny.

On the other hand, I'd kill to be skinny.

See the dilemma here? I'm nowhere near famous yet, but I have enough people looking at me on an average basis that the idea of being poked fun at for my weight (which I know has happened) makes me feel sick to my stomach. I'm a sensitive girl. I've been poked fun at for my weight since I was in the third grade, and I never grew stronger from it. I started weighing myself at eight, and lying about my weight since I was ten. Looking back at my photos, I was never a hugely fat little girl. I was chubby, yes, but it was never an emergency. I was jealous of the skinny blonde girls, I was self conscious about myself because I wanted to be a singer "when I grow up", but singers are all pretty and skinny. So what chance have I got? And now here I am, feeding into the stereotype. What a bitch I have become. What a horrible role model for other women, and girl children.

I've been seeing Kelly Clarkson get a lot of shit lately because she's a heavier musician. I remember hating her back in the day because she was just another skinny American Idol contestant, and her voice wasn't even all that impressive. I still don't think she's a great singer, but I respect her being a musician who's willing to be different. She has bigger balls than I do. She also has a bigger paycheck than I do, but I wonder, if I ever got that big, would I let myself "get that big"? Yet I look at her photos, and I don't think I'm that far off from her. We have similar bodies, except that I've got a small waist. But I pick at her the same way I pick at myself; there go my fat thighs, my chubby arms... I see myself as her less successful darker-skinned sister.Yet, here I am on a diet. Because at this point in my life, I feel like I'd do anything to be a successful musician, even if I have to get super thin to do it. Not that I'll ever dress too much like a slut, but, I'll lose weight for my dreams. If this is what I have to do, then I'll do it. And I'll be damned if a stupid thing like weight is what keeps me from "getting big".