Friday, July 31, 2009

Musicians and Weight

So as ya'll know, I'm a musician. For a long time I've had problems with my weight, and despite people telling me I'm "okay", I've always been of the mind-set that I need to be thinner because I am always on stage. Now I'll admit, part of me thinks that this is absolutely stupid. I'm not an unhealthy weight. I look fine. I'm only losing weight to fit in with a stupid stereotype that should NOT be encouraged. In fact, I feel horrible for encouraging it! Me losing 15 more pounds is me telling other women that it doesn't matter how talented you are, you don't matter unless you're skinny.

On the other hand, I'd kill to be skinny.

See the dilemma here? I'm nowhere near famous yet, but I have enough people looking at me on an average basis that the idea of being poked fun at for my weight (which I know has happened) makes me feel sick to my stomach. I'm a sensitive girl. I've been poked fun at for my weight since I was in the third grade, and I never grew stronger from it. I started weighing myself at eight, and lying about my weight since I was ten. Looking back at my photos, I was never a hugely fat little girl. I was chubby, yes, but it was never an emergency. I was jealous of the skinny blonde girls, I was self conscious about myself because I wanted to be a singer "when I grow up", but singers are all pretty and skinny. So what chance have I got? And now here I am, feeding into the stereotype. What a bitch I have become. What a horrible role model for other women, and girl children.

I've been seeing Kelly Clarkson get a lot of shit lately because she's a heavier musician. I remember hating her back in the day because she was just another skinny American Idol contestant, and her voice wasn't even all that impressive. I still don't think she's a great singer, but I respect her being a musician who's willing to be different. She has bigger balls than I do. She also has a bigger paycheck than I do, but I wonder, if I ever got that big, would I let myself "get that big"? Yet I look at her photos, and I don't think I'm that far off from her. We have similar bodies, except that I've got a small waist. But I pick at her the same way I pick at myself; there go my fat thighs, my chubby arms... I see myself as her less successful darker-skinned sister.Yet, here I am on a diet. Because at this point in my life, I feel like I'd do anything to be a successful musician, even if I have to get super thin to do it. Not that I'll ever dress too much like a slut, but, I'll lose weight for my dreams. If this is what I have to do, then I'll do it. And I'll be damned if a stupid thing like weight is what keeps me from "getting big".

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