Thursday, July 3, 2008

That weightless feeling

So yesterday, I blacked out after class was over. I know why it happened, but I don't like thinking that the things I do are serious problems. Either way, I ate last night. The problem is that the events that led up to it were very enlightening.

First, there was the blacking out. I've passed out before, and I don't like how it feels, BUT... there is also the feeling beforehand. That weightless feeling that you get when you haven't eaten for days. When I get that feeling, I become aware of everything. I'm aware of my stomach, which is so much smaller. My hip bones, which I can feel pressing against my clothes now. I can feel my collar bones, my fingertips, and my ribs.

Then I look into a reflective surface and see those damn thighs. These legs that keep shrinking, but are STILL fat. And I feel good because I'm feeling so light and light-headed and I'm telling myself "keep it up, and they will be gone forever".

But then when I got home, I couldn't play Age of Conan. I was so exhausted I just fell on my bed. I tried to eat some of my "diet" food but I couldn't. So, after some coaxing and some reading, I said fuck it and ordered a pizza. Two slices later I felt better, but, that feeling of weightlessness was gone. Like now, it's gone. And I'll have to work my way back to it, but, if I do, I'll get weak and tired again. Which is okay, since this is the weekend... but when I teach, that weightlessness is agony. I feel like I'm floating, and any minute my legs will give out.

Price to pay for not feeling the guilt and shame associated with eating.

My pants are all loose, now. I need new clothes.

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