Where's that depression I was looking for?

Oh, there you are!

I'm not doing so well, today. Last night I decided that I was feeling thin enough that I could splurge some calories on two beers and the inside of a sandwich. Well, screw that! Went to bed, couldn't sleep, felt warm and feverish all night, woke up nauseous. Had a bowl of oatmeal to settle my stomach, and lo and behold, I feel like a big fat ton of failure. Yes, in less than 24 hours, I went from slender and confident to fat and miserable. And do you know what happens when you get all miserable? All of the things anyone has ever said that makes you sad comes rushing back. Like that time the guy you like said he had a crush on another girl, who's really skinny, and it made you excuse yourself to throw up behind a dumpster. You know, every day stuff like that.

Of course, I should note that for all you new readers out there (all 2 of you!), I do have bipolar disorder. And there is currently a family member in the hospital (who I will not discuss, due to privacy, thanks!), so there's probably more wrong with me than the .2" addition on my waistline due to the two beers and oatmeal. That being said, none of that truth makes me feel any better. And to be perfectly honest, when I get like this, there are very few ways in which I can make myself feel better. I can either go shopping, or eat something terrible for me. Either way, I'm boned. I've actually gotta go do some band work tonight, and tomorrow I've got a gig. Both of these things are highly dependent on my mood, and the way it is now, I'm not sure how I'm going to manage to pull through the next few days. You know when you're so depressed you get shaky and want to go somewhere and cry and eat frozen yogurt and throw up? That's what's going on, right now. I'm not certain if it was brought on by my behavior last night, or the bipolar disorder. I don't know if one causes the other. I just know that this is a low, and I'm not sure what the best way to get out of it is.

But I do know that I've got to get out of it, fast, before I wind up doing something stupid. Like eating a pack of peanut butter crackers.

Lose/Lose situation!

I wasn't planning on blurging today, if only because I was feeling some writers block. I spent last night cooking (marvelously, as usual) and working on a flyer for Metal Quest. Not a lot went on except one thing; a craving. A horrible horrible craving. Well, not really so horrible, but horrible for me because I'm very hard on myself when it comes to food. What was this terrible craving, you might ask? Frozen yogurt. Gaddamn it, I love that stuff. Covered in strawberries and mangoes, no less! I know, I know, I'm a monster... but when you're trying to control your sugar cravings, it's best not to give in to these urges. Or is it? Who the hell knows. I wound up making ratatouille, steak, and mushrooms with some caprese salada. A bit more tomato than I would have liked (stupid sugar, you hide everywhere!!) but no frozen yogurt.

Well, I came across this article during my daily reads about how Feeling Bad About Your Weight is Making You Fat. It's a pretty good article, and a few key points in there are right on the money.

Teen participants were asked to comment on how they perceived themselves on a scale of thin to "chubby" or "very fat." Fast forward to a decade and change later, and 60% of the normal sized girls in the study who thought they were fat had actually gone on to become overweight twentysomethings. 

Researchers surmise that the discrepancy between long-term health effects on girls and long-term health effects on boys is due, in part, to the fact that teenage girls who think they're fat will do terribly unhealthy shit in order to "fix" themselves. Eating disorders are an extreme example, but researchers noted that girls are more likely to do metabolism-screwing things like skip meals, deprive themselves of food, and eat unbalanced diets. 

Looking back, my ex-sister-in-law's dress is pretty great.

Ummmm yeah. Pretty much all of that is right on the money. I recently looked back at my pictures from elementary school. Guys, I've been called "fat", "ugly", ect. since the 2nd grade. I have never once seen myself as an attractive person, let alone "normal". Well, after looking at a picture of myself when I was around 10, I suddenly realized that I wasn't all that fat. At all. In fact, I was pretty normal looking, physically. Do you know what wasn't normal? The giant t-shirt I wore to cover myself from neck to knees because I thought I was so fat nobody should have to look at me. I feel bad for the kid in that picture. I remember being in the 4th grade, weighing in at 100lbs, and I remember thinking how fat and heavy that must have been. It's painful for me to look at myself like that, knowing just how miserable I felt about myself. I want to look at myself at 10 and say, "Hey, I know you'll never believe me, but stop covering yourself up like that. You're not ugly," because maybe if I could have believed that, I wouldn't have developed such bad habits.

That's me, in the hat. ...and the home-sewn flares.

Like, for example, binging and purging... binging and starving... starving... excessive dieting... the kind of things that aren't good for anyone, let alone someone with a history of bipolar disorder. It's no wonder I wound up gaining so much weight in middle school and high school! I'd starve myself one day, binge the next, ect. ect. I played sports, and I know I was in pretty good shape physically since I was able to swim and win without being too winded, but I wasn't a great athlete. I was just okay, and that's not bad, but I felt bad for not being good at absolutely everything. I felt bad because I was a good singer, a good little actress, and my grades were even alright, BUT, I wasn't good looking. That's what I thought, and I felt like it made me inferior, regardless of anything else. How sad is that?? Even though I'd starve myself in front of people I didn't know, I never thought things would change. It my mind, I always thought I'd be fat. The reason I didn't eat was because I was embarrassed to eat in front of people. So I wouldn't eat in front of boys, but I'd eat when I got home. That's a bad habit to get into, because it just made me super hungry. What happens when you're super hungry? You eat whatever the hell is near, and for me, that was carbs and sugar. High school.

What you see: Meat; What I see: ARM FAT

Well I'm not in high school, anymore. Clearly... I'm 28, and I lost a bunch of that weight ten years ago. It's been ten years and I still feel the same way I did when I was 18. And I can just imagine, twenty years from now, I will be telling myself the same thing. I'm not so shy anymore (no more giant t-shirts, unless I go to bed..), but I never wear shorts and I never wear short skirts and I never wear... well, a lot of things. Plus, I won't let myself eat frozen yogurt, for god's sake. How very sad, that I'm 28 and I still think the same way I did when I was ten years old. I'm not overweight, just like the kid in the picture, but I will always feel overweight, like the kid in high school. Do you know how hard it is to look at a recent picture of myself and not focus on that arm fat? DO YOU? It's quite hard, but I'm trying. Especially since a relative recently had to take me aside and tell me I was being silly for judging myself so harshly (people read this thing?!) and I was so embarrassed by all my whining. WHAAAAAA I WANNA BE SKINNY.

So, in conclusion, that article I mentioned way at the beginning of this blog post is pretty legit. Think bad things about yourself, do bad things to yourself. Think good, do good! Makes sense, right? RIGHT! Now, treat yourself right. Do it. ...do it.

Yeah, not so easy, is it?

Acceptance

Well, I've gone through the mourning process. Now it's time for acceptance. With Willy being laid off, we're gonna start a new sitcom in the "Full House" style and move into his parents' enormous house until he can find a new job. Meanwhile, I'll be working at the greenhouse, and continuing to sing for two bands.

What wacky adventures will we find ourselves in with the Austins? Find out, Tuesday nights at eight thirty, only on CBS!

Basically, I gained 5 pounds during the past month. It was due to a lot of things. Well, no.. mostly just me being depressed, and too lazy to be creative with my cooking. And when I saw the scale yesterday, it was a big slap to the face. I REFUSE to go back to the way that I once was. No matter how sad I might be, or what horrible fate awaits me, I will not be fat too.

I've got the next few days off, which means packing and applying to jobs. I'm also going to work on my next experiment; an entirely sugar-free pumpkin pie, using crushed nuts as a crust, and steevia as a sweetener. I'm doing this for both myself and my mom, who was diagnosed with diabetes, and really loves pumpkin pie. I know it's been hard on her, so I want to give her a surprise for Thanksgiving and bring a pie that she can eat.

Now to continue comforting Willy. At least it's a fairly nice day! Fairly...

Life Sucks

Well, it looks like I might not get to open for Hammerfall. I won't get into detail because I'm too angry, but, the guy at the club has been lying and it looks like basically, all our hard work has been for nothing. Seriously, FML right now. (FML means "fuck my life".)

Tomorrow I get to start my new schedule at the greenhouse, which starts on Saturday and ends on Tuesday. This weird-ass way of working is fucking with me more than I can describe. No more days with my husband. No more sleeping in on Sundays. No more GOING TO CHURCH. Seriously, fuck the owner, it's not like his ass has to come in on a Sunday, so he decides to make ME work Sundays? Why? What's the point? Even the lady doing the scheduling doesn't get the point of changing my days, but anything to please that giant asshole, right?

Applying to more jobs, now.

My Apologies

Sorry for being such a downer here, folks. As you can see, my bipolar disorder tends to have it's ups and downs, and lately I've been on an enormous down. Luckily, I'm not the sort to seriously consider suicide. Think about it? Sure. Seriously consider it? No. Therapy helped with that, if nothing else. I have a feeling that my ego is too big to allow for suicide. Basically: "People would be showering me with all that attention, and I wouldn't be around to experience it!?" That's why I can't entertain thoughts on killing myself for more than a few seconds.

Mostly I think about ways to pull myself out of this gutter, which pulls me in a million directions at once. Right now, I'm in two bands. They're great distractions. Last night I learned that my band might have the opportunity to open for Hammerfall, which, I will tell you, would be amazing for me. Lemme explain why:

Three years ago, Willy and I were still in college. We were on a date, and stopped off at the mall. We were in our World of Warcraft phase at that point, and were drawn to this CD in FYI called "Hammerfall". Why? It's the name of the city in Warcraft where my character was born. So, we listened, and OH MY GOD. I had been listening to 80's hair metal at the time and was dissatisfied. Hammerfall drew me into the world of power metal. We bought the CD and loved it. Here is an example of Hammerfall's greatness. If you like songs about rescuing princesses and fighting evil hordes and the glory of honor, plus clean vocals set to metal, you might dig Hammerfall.



Days later, I bought all of their other albums, and then learned about people like Blind Guardian and Edguy. I dug deeper and deeper, but it wasn't until we went to our first concert together, Dragonforce, until I realized what I needed to do; make my own band.

And so, months later, as I was bored at work and perusing the intrawebz, I put up a post on Craigslist. The rest is history. But the thing is, it all started with Hammerfall, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I never got to see them in concert, and it would be a dream come true if I could play on the same stage as they. And if I could meet them beforehand? I think I'll probably have to hide my tears.

So pray for me, ya'll. It won't be the answer to all of my prayers, but it will be a defining experience of my life.

Oh, what a surprise.

Turns out that the guy with the so-called "marketing position" lied. No salary or benefits. Just a telemarketing job that paid $8.50 per hour.

Driving home, I considered just driving through 66 until I reached the mountains, and then laying down on the ground to watch the clouds go by. It's gotten to the point where I'm too buried in depression that I don't cry, anymore. I just come home and cook dinner. Then I send resume after resume like a robot, before writing a thousand words for my novel. Then I go to sleep.

Today will be no different. I'm gonna go help my guitarist paint a house, make a few dollars for grocery money, and contemplate what life would have been like if I'd just gone to medical school like I really should have. I could be training to be a plastic surgeon, right now... what the hell was I thinking? Being an artist blows.

Spiraling

I'm getting deeper into my rut, today. Learned that I have to work weekends from now on. So, absolutely no days with my husband. Just nights where we're working on our respective websites/projects/bands/portfolios, or I'm too angry about everything, it's too dark to take a walk, and he hates going to the gym. So basically it's like we're roommates. We got married so we could be roommates and spend no real time together because we're too busy looking for better jobs.

Tomorrow's my interview. Lets see what the hell happens. After my interview, I'll be going to help one of my guitarists paint a house he's sold so I can make a few extra bucks. Will probably go toward gas for the car.

Willy keeps telling me to do some life drawing to supplement my resume, but I have this urge to finish my novel. And I know that if I don't keep writing, I'll drop out of my inspiration. I've been doing from 1,000 - 3,000 words a day, and I know that if I keep it up, I'll be finished by the end of 2009. I really want to finish something for once. I've been reading so much lately, and I've noticed that a lot of the books I've read SUCK. So why the hell can't I put out a gaddamn novel?? I know I need new art, but I just can't bring myself to do it right now. I feel guilty for not writing when I draw, and I feel guilty for not drawing while I write. And when I'm at work I feel like I'm wasting time doing nothing that will bring me closer to my goals.

I've been trying my damndest to get out of my current habit of saying "Oh God, kill me," at points of stress and despair. I don't mean it. I don't want to die. I don't know why I keep saying it, but it just slips out sometimes. Maybe I just wish that I could go to sleep and wake up to someone wanting to hire me. Or a record deal. Or a book deal. Anything that would rescue me. I've been trying for so long. I remember when I used to go to therapy, back when my only problem was my bipolar disorder and discontentment about my old job. I'd give anything to have that job back, now. It was brainless and I did nothing, but it was money and peace of mind. I have no peace of mind, anymore. Just constant worry and guilt.

Cool Pictures + Despair

Well, it looks like I'll be working on Sundays from now on. Which means I'll have no day that I can spend with my husband. I have an interview Wednesday, but my pessimism won't allow me to see much good in it. I'm fairly confident that we'll end up moving back in with Willy's parents and that I'll have a 2 hour commute to get to a shitty job every morning. And then I will go nowhere for at least a few years until either I suddenly get a record deal, or die of inadequacy.

Also, the squirrels have been eating the leftover unsold pie pumpkins at work, so I rescued a couple to bake and gather seeds.

And here's some cool pictures of me!

Big trouble in little Manassas.

Well, it looks like Willy and I have planning to do. As an artist in the gaming industry, it's always hard to have a lasting job, and with the economy the way it is, we're always worrying about what his job will bring. Well, I'm literally making HALF of what I once made, which means there's NO WAY we can live off of my paycheck. So if something happens with his job, we'll probably have to do... something. What that something is fills me with shame and depression; moving in with his parents.

Now, I love his parents. Don't get me wrong. They live in a beautiful neighborhood, but it's aaaaaall the way in Maryland, and my job is aaaaaall the way in Fairfax, so I'd be stuck in a horrendous commute if we ended up moving. Sure, we wouldn't have to worry about paying rent for a while, but oh god... moving back in with mom and dad because he can't find another job would be devastating. I'm really scared, right now. We're used to packing all of our stuff into teeny tiny spaces (hence the studio!!) but I'm so scared. We've been going backwards in our progression as successful adults ever since I was laid off, and now it looks like things might even be worse.

I don't even have time to worry about my bad eating habits. Lately I've been having stomach issues, but I'm going to blame that on going back on my plan after a few days of eating crappy. I've been craving cold vegetables and salad like CRAZY for the past few days. I feel so weird. Maybe it's stress.

So sad...

So once again, this year Willy and I have had to miss out on the Maryland Renn Faire. The year I graduated college, I worked there during the weekends, and it was one of the best times of my life. I miss being able to go every weekend, to see people setting up, to buy pretty things, to do all of the things I could do when I lived with my parents and didn't need to spend money on silly things like rent. Back then, all I had to worry about were my car payments and insurance, and my student loan.

Amazing how much the bills pile up when you leave the nest.

Nowadays, Willy and I basically just go to work so we can afford to live and go to work. We go out every once in a while, but not at the amount that keeps me happy. Working on Saturdays and having band practice on Sundays does limit me, but so does our budget. It makes me pine for the days when I made literally TWICE the amount that I make now. I can't even describe how awful it is to work a job that I am overqualified for, because I can't seem to find a job in my field. And that alone is depressing enough, and I can't go out or party the way I once did. I can't even hold my own parties anymore, which I used to enjoy to a crazy amount, because we live in a studio on our own.

Basically, things suck and I'm whining. Probably won't get better until one of us gets a better paying job, but I know it's up to me to do that before him. 'cuz, yanno, I been laid off THREE TIMES, and at this point I'm just desperate for a job that will actually have need of the things I went to college for.

Oh, dreams.

Nothing

Still no word back from the interview I did last week. Gave them a call, guy wasn't in, left a message.. said he'd get back to me by Monday. Doubt he will, if he's already filled the position.

I feel so depressed I could throw up. I've got sadness nausea. First I have to see my fat thighs in a short skirt, and now this.. I hope I do well enough here with this contract position that they'll want me more, but I dunno. We'll see. I doubt it. Doesn't seem like anyone wants me, right now. Boy could I use a drink.

I am physically weak...

...and had to leave work early today, because of it. See, it was Code Orange, today. Code orange means:

"Unhealthy for Sensitive Groups" AQI (Air Quality Index) is 101 - 150. Although general public is not likely to be affected at this AQI range, people with lung disease, older adults and children are at a greater risk from exposure to ozone, whereas persons with heart and lung disease, older adults and children are at greater risk from the presence of particles in the air.

Due to my severe case of asthma, and the fact that I have no health insurance yet (hurry up, Willy!!) and no emergency inhaler OR preventative medicine, I asked if I could leave early and trade with someone in the afternoon. See, I'm one of those people who's "at risk", which means I'm first in line for flu shots with all the senior citizens, and I face daily pain. It's great, really. Losing a ton of weight years back helped my asthma some, but, I've learned that my asthma isn't induced by exercise like many other overweight people. When I first got health insurance, with my first job, I was able to get myself tested by a doctor. She was shocked I hadn't done this before (amazing what you can live through!) because apparently I have the lung capacity of a 90 year old.

After getting Advair I was okay, but, since I've been without a full-time job for the past four months, I've been unable to have health insurance. Now that I'm married I'll get on Willy's plan, but these four months without preventative medicine have been hell. I got a severe allergic reaction at the nail salon when I got my nails done for the wedding, and not only did I break out in a bad case of hives from the wax job, but I also got an amazingly painful asthma attack. I honestly should have asked Willy to take me to the hospital, but damned if I was about to pay for an emergency room bill TWO DAYS before getting married. So I suffered through it, my lungs ached a bit throughout the weekend, but I lived.

Today, I didn't want to risk it. I was getting chest pain and lightheadedness in the greenhouse around 12, and by 1 I was downright loopy. Luckily I've switched places with another dude so I'll be working tomorrow morning to make up for today's lost hours, but seriously, it sucks so hard to be weak. And to not have the means to take care of it. This is another reason I'm so depressed about losing my job... it really did make life easier to live through. I need to find another full time position, and soon. Winter is coming, and my asthma is about ten times worse in the cold.

Anyone out there need a graphic artist? Damn it am I ever depressed.

Forgive me?

I haven't updated my blog here in a while due to depression. Working a job that isn't in my field took it's toll, and I was feeling terrible. Well, things have gotten better. Got a few interviews, and some possibilities on the horizon, but mostly I'm excited because things are going great for my band. We're going to be on 98 Rock on June 14th, which will be totally amazing, and I'm really looking forward to it. I've also gotten back on the wagon with my diet, and sure enough, within just a few days of eating the way I should, I'm back to my normal weight of 123.

Looking to drop a few more before the wedding, which is in 79 days.. oh man...

Fear is popular

So I haven't written in here because honestly, I've been afraid to. I've been afraid of updating my little progress, because I've literally made very little. I now have two jobs; one, working 44 hours a week as a cashier at a plant nursery. Two, working part-time at an office in DC, where I update their website, and may eventually help them build a new one. So I've got two jobs, which, when added together, do not pay as much as I made during my last one. Or even during my first one. This is very depressing, BUT... at least I am working.

At least I have a job. At least I can write in my resume that I never stopped working within my field. During my time working retail, I've not only done contract work, but also part-time work within the graphic design world. So, I'm not COMPLETELY off track. Not completely. And I continue to get people calling and e-mailing, asking if I'm interested in interviews. So far, they've only been for contract jobs. But I have faith that things will change someday. In the meantime, at least I have these two jobs.

I'll admit it, though. I am still terribly depressed. How can I not be? I lost the best job of my life. I lost the happiest time I've ever had working. I lost something that I can only hope I can replace, someday. And yet, in spite of it all, I'm getting married in 3 months. So the world isn't really that horrible, is it? Not if love can help me through it.

Easter Saturday

Well, it's Easter weekend. That means the end of Lent.

When I started this, I was at the top of my game. Great job, band had lots of gigs, and I was the happiest I'd ever been. Fasting made it impossible for me to function correctly, so I had to stop. I realized that physically, I wasn't able to go without food for too long. Then the big hitter. I got laid off. I've been overwhelmingly depressed ever since, and nothing.. not my band, not the weather, not even my fiance can tear me out of this funk until I get a new job. I need work to survive. I feel useless without it. I know that may sound strange, but not working is horrible to me.

Since being laid off, I've been job searching like a crazy person. Every waking moment, I am at my computer. I've gotten a few odd jobs doing some graphic work for one company, but I don't like working with them. Their boss is flaky and I do not enjoy how he talks to me, like I am a talentless good-for-nothing and he doesn't have to pay me for the countless hours I've put into his assignments. I just want to get my money and never speak to him again.

I've had a few job interviews, but nothing really promising. I've been depressed out of my mind, until yesterday. I got a call from two places. One, the Onion, which may hire me to do some promoting for them. That would be wonderful. Two, a company that needs someone to come in for only four hours a week to do a little web maintenance. That much I can do, but it's not enough. I need a real full time job, and if I can't get that, I don't know what I'll do.

Basically, I am scared. I have bills, I have a wedding, I have too many things on the horizon that require the sort of money I was making a month ago. I am angry and upset, and I am hurt. I would give anything for my old job back, but since I know that's impossible, I have to keep looking for something else. And it's so horrible to be stuck at home with nothing to look forward to but more job searching. Right now, I kinda hate my life. The little things that made it great pale in comparison to the horrible reality that I am unemployed.

Man, I hate that word.

Day 34

Apologies for not updating. I've been so depressed that all I do is glue myself to my computer and refresh all of the pages I use for job hunts. It's exhausting and I feel miserable. I've been having horribly vivid nightmares. I sincerely hate not working.