I am writing to you to express my condolances. While I understand that you're going through a tough time, let me express how sorry I am for the severe gloating that you are about to endure from the American people. We are known for being arrogant, crude, and cruel in sad times. This time will be no different.
A week ago, we, America, made a decision. Should Canada win the olympic hockey game against the United States, we would congratulate you, be happy for you even! This, after all, was your sport. The year you hosted the olympics. Your time to shine. We would graciously bow down before your superiority on the ice, because lets face it, much of the NHL is made up of players from either your country, or Russia. That you would teach our players a lesson in good sportsmanship was obvious. Unfortunately, the opposite was already known for us. If the US won against Canada, during the olympics, which Canada was hosting, we would never let you forget it. Ever.
It took five goals, and a few thousand cheers before we realized what had happened. We beat you. We did not only out-score you, but we blocked more than 40 shots to our goal. It was like a magical moment in history where the US could prove what huge assholes we truly are. Which is why I am here, today.
Canada, I applaud your efforts. You truly are one of the classiest, most beautiful countries in the world. Your people are known for being kind, polite, and attractive. Your skills in sports are praised worldwide, and it is a great pleasure to be your neighbor.
But for the next few years, the US reigns supreme in hockey. Which means you're either going to find another form of national pride, or learn to really really love figure skating.
I heard your dance duo did a great job, last night!
PS: USA! USA! USA!