Thursday, August 23, 2012

Internal struggle!

Rosie Mercado
Every once in a while, I come across something that makes me feel pretty good. Empowered, even. That happened today when I saw the first episode of Curvy Girls, a reality show (shut up...) about plus sized models. One of these models, Rosie Mercado, is a hero of mine. She's a young beautiful mom of three who makes a living as a plus sized model. She's done my favorite clothes, Pin Up Girl Clothing, and stars in Curvy Girls. When I see her, I see hope for someone like me. I see how happy I could be if I accepted myself the way so many others have. That being said, it's no secret that I've put on 7.5lbs since I got down to 122.5 (that .5 is important!) a few years ago, and those 7.5lbs haunt me. Yeah, you heard me. 7.5lbs. Something that should be easy to take off, but isn't! I managed to get back to 128 a few days ago, just to sabotage myself with a jaunt to the Renn Faire. I allowed myself to drink beer, eat horrible fried food, all while dressed in tights and a 22" corset. Now, I wouldn't change a bit about my Renn Faire experience. I know it's important to treat yourself, so I don't regret doing this. The problem I have is with the fact that once I got back to work, it was back to my old ways of restrictive dieting. People, don't get me wrong. I love low-carb living, I am an advocate for it, I believe it's a good way to live a healthy life. My problem is that I don't follow my own advice. Under no circumstances does the Atkins diet advocate skipping meals. I do that because I'm crazy and for some reason it's easier for me to skip meals than it is to just bring food. That's where the internal struggle comes in.

I know I'm at a healthy weight. I know I look okay. But I always want to look better, go the extra mile, get back down to that 122.5 I enjoyed just 3 years ago. Imagine, just 3 years ago! I've got jeans I can't wear comfortably now that I wore all the time back then. I feel self conscious every time I eat something off-plan. I know I shouldn't, but I do. That's the trouble! Right now, I can say "Yeah, I look good, I don't need to starve myself!" but the moment I eat something off-plan, the guilt will swell. If only I could have this level of self-esteem no matter what I ate! And I'm not talking about binging on doughnuts, here. I'm saying, man... if I could just eat oatmeal in the morning like a normal person without it spiking my blood sugar and making me crave bread all day!

By now you must be absolutely sick of me whining about my eating disorder, but I have to say that from my position, it helps to whine. It helps when I put things in perspective. When I see the scale at 130lbs, I feel absolutely massive. For my 5' frame, 130 is HUGE in my eyes. But when I write it in my blog, I feel like a jack-ass. Seriously, I'm in the "healthy" weight range, I have no health problems (besides asthma, under control now), and I'm complaining about 7.5 measly pounds?? Yes, I am. I have that big an issue. I go back and forth between pro-ana blogs and fat acceptance blogs. I'm a part of both and neither. I've binged, purged, starved, and blogged and I still do all of it. I probably will, until I find some way to be happy with what I am, which will probably be never. In the meantime, I'm admiring plus sized ladies who are actually happy with themselves.

Doro Pesch
All this being said, I still want to be a successful musician, and we can't all be Adele. Or Beth Ditto. And metal isn't exactly kind to big girls, because lets face it, most mainstream folks expect all metal chicks to either wear a pretty tutu or dress like Lita Ford in the 80's. Hell, Doro's in her 50's and she's still wearing leather pants! Doro is one of those few female metal singers that I admire because she keeps writing, she keeps performing, and she actually makes music that I like. She's not overly girly like the newer metal chicks out there, she's a bad-ass in leather and studs. I look up to her. I want to be that kind of musician, but I guess I have to face up to the fact that I'll probably never look like her, and I have to make myself realize that's okay. Easier said than done, right? Could I be happy if I remained the same size I am, right now, forever? I'm not exactly sure. I think that the process of losing weight is addictive and for me, a little toxic. Once I'm in that vibe, I'm both happy and miserable, energetic and weak. But the same thing happens when I'm not trying to lose weight; eating whatever I want makes me feel lethargic, happy, sad, everything else. Where do I find the balance? I really don't know. It's times like this I miss my therapist!

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