I know I'm at a healthy weight. I know I look okay. But I always want to look better, go the extra mile, get back down to that 122.5 I enjoyed just 3 years ago. Imagine, just 3 years ago! I've got jeans I can't wear comfortably now that I wore all the time back then. I feel self conscious every time I eat something off-plan. I know I shouldn't, but I do. That's the trouble! Right now, I can say "Yeah, I look good, I don't need to starve myself!" but the moment I eat something off-plan, the guilt will swell. If only I could have this level of self-esteem no matter what I ate! And I'm not talking about binging on doughnuts, here. I'm saying, man... if I could just eat oatmeal in the morning like a normal person without it spiking my blood sugar and making me crave bread all day!
By now you must be absolutely sick of me whining about my eating disorder, but I have to say that from my position, it helps to whine. It helps when I put things in perspective. When I see the scale at 130lbs, I feel absolutely massive. For my 5' frame, 130 is HUGE in my eyes. But when I write it in my blog, I feel like a jack-ass. Seriously, I'm in the "healthy" weight range, I have no health problems (besides asthma, under control now), and I'm complaining about 7.5 measly pounds?? Yes, I am. I have that big an issue. I go back and forth between pro-ana blogs and fat acceptance blogs. I'm a part of both and neither. I've binged, purged, starved, and blogged and I still do all of it. I probably will, until I find some way to be happy with what I am, which will probably be never. In the meantime, I'm admiring plus sized ladies who are actually happy with themselves.