Day 8

So without going into the "TMI" category, I've definitely been noticing some changes as far as my shape goes. See, as a person who has NEVER been thin, I am not used to looking in the mirror without being completely ashamed of what I see. I still am. However, I'm noticing little things that were never there. For example, I used to have a gut. Like seriously, a GUT. I had love handles that you could grip and then some. If I looked at my profile in the mirror, I had this huge Buddha belly and an ass to shame the cosmos. This morning I noticed that my stomach is almost completely flat. It's not taut by any means, but there is no longer that bulge. There's no protrusion. There's a small curve beneath my belly button, and that's it.

At the same token, thighs and ass still huge.. but I have naturally wide hips, so my ass probably will never be narrow, no matter how much weight I lose. My thighs are another matter entirely. They will likely be thick for the rest of my life. Even if my ribs are visible, and the bones and muscles in my back, I will -still- have chubby thighs. Annoying.

But this fast isn't about me losing weight. I haven't gone down in weight since I started a week ago, and considering how my metabolism has probably slowed down to a trickle, I very much doubt that I will. If anything, I'll gain weight once Easter comes along and I begin eating normally again. I think having an empty stomach just helps with the illusion of thinness. When I'm hungry like this, I feel better. That's not a good thing at all. I worry that I'm fasting for the wrong reasons, and I really need to ask for forgiveness before my vanity overshadows my dedication to my god. I don't want to use Lent as an excuse to starve myself.

I'm doing well today, though. Last night was salmon, bean sprouts, mushrooms, and broccoli. I've also been snacking on cheerios. During the day today, herbal tea and water will keep me sane. I hope. I have a few of calls to make for this wedding, to the caterer and my priest. I didn't realize it was only 5 months until the wedding. Holy hell.

Day 7

So after an entire day of editing photos of myself, I was shocked by a few things. One, how strangely similar to my friend Hollie I look when I put on make-up; and two, how small my upper body is. Coming from a girl who used to look like this...
Believe me, wearing a size 4 shirt is a big deal. The bigger deal was the fact that I didn't have to Photoshop my upper body at all. Usually I need to take in a little here, a little there, tuck this in.. but not yesterday. I hardly needed to do a thing, besides make a few things smoother and of course, do a little color correction.

Whenever I look at that picture, I am astounded by how I looked. I actually loved my hair, and man, if only I didn't work at a corporate office, I'd totally do that again. The bangs were normally a bright red, but that picture is of me in the Louvre during my trip to Paris, and I didn't dye my hair for two whole weeks. Anyhow, I loved that hairstyle. I used to express myself with my clothes, my hair, make-up.. I had fun, because hey, I was in college. I could do whatever the hell I wanted and I enjoyed it.

Now that I'm older, it's more complicated. I need to blend in with the crowd, yet still look theatrical when I go on stage. It's like a mask I put on whenever I have a show, or do photos. I have different "me"s. For example, there is this me:See the one on the far right? With the tan? That's how I look just about every day. If you saw me on a Tuesday, that's probably how I'd be. Boring, bland, normal. (Willy is the nice gentleman I have my hand on, by the way.) I don't mind this look because, at the very least, I've got my bullet belt. A little bit of the real me to shine through. Enough to show -some- amount of personality.
Then there's this me:
You know this one. It's one of my stage personas. I'm a little more hard core, I'm fun and free-spirited, I bounce around and smile a lot and generally act a little crazy. I'm wearing pants and tennis shoes and chains. I have GOGGLES with SPIKES in them. This is college me. The me I miss because I was so fun and full of energy. I didn't really wear a lot of make-up, but I did wear a lot of fun accessories. It was fun. Everything that I did was fun.

Last but not least, we have a photo from Sunday's set. This is the me that I always wanted to be. Feminine, sexy, dangerous. Evil and beautiful. This is honestly the fakes "me" there is. I am honestly the least evil person you may ever meet. I like being nice. I'm also not naturally sexy. If I am, it's because of other things. I don't have straight hair, or pale skin, or wear heavy make-up. I don't wear "evil secretary" clothes and I don't keep my face that straight. It's not me at all, but I definitely recognize it's appeal. Right now, I'm sort of in a bind. This persona is awesome, but the other one, the me with the spiky goggles and jeans, that's more myself than anything else. So the challenge now is to mix the two, which I've had trouble doing. I have to find a way to turn what I am, and what I used to want to be, into one real person that I can actively portray.

Not as easy as it sounds.

But I'll work on it. For now, it will be my new challenge. I'm thinking of ways to do it, and I'm really excited with how it may turn out. I'm also looking forward to new pictures, but for now, the "evil secretary" look is in.

As far as fasting updates, I'm doing great. I've gotten used to eating this way, eating vegan, and I feel fine. I still get cravings for meat, especially last night when I cooked Willy some steak. My mouth was watering.. but, I lived. I was fine. I definitely feel the "sacrifice" part of Lent, even if it's just denial of my favorite foods. I'm suffering very little, in the overall sense of things, but it does make me think.

Day 6

Fasting like this is going to really make me appreciate being able to eat normally once Lent is over. Tonight I had some nice salmon and mixed vegetables for dinner, plus the last of my hummus and pita bread. Surprisingly, I was still hungry after that and snacked on some Cheerios. No, no milk.. just Cheerios from the box.

Today was basically just spent doing laundry and editing band photos. I'll be putting them up officially once the CD comes out. We should be putting in the order this Thursday, yay! I'm so excited to finally have some CDs. Also, I need to edit photos for our t-shirts. Hoo boy, work work work.

Day 5

Sorry I couldn't update yesterday, our internet was down. I had a pretty fun photo shoot with my band, though! Got some nice shots for the EP. Spend a loooong time on make-up, lemme tell ya. I even got my hair done for this one! I'll post pictures soon, but I need to edit them for the stuff we need to order.

The fasting went just fine. We went to an Italian restaurant after the shoot, and I got myself a small pizza with no cheese, some mushrooms, black olives, and anchovies. Awesome. I also got a mango sorbet for dessert. So I haven't cheat yet! I'm still going strong. Today it snowed pretty badly in the area, and I've called the office but there doesn't seem to be anyone there. We go by the government as far as closings are concerned, and today Fairfax County Gov. has liberal leave. Since all of the schools are closed, I'm betting most folks are at home with their kids.

Or, they're shmucks like me with tiny cars that can't drive through snow. My parking lot hasn't been plowed or treated or anything, so, I'm not gonna risk putting my car through hell. Plus, nobody on my team is signed into instant messenger, which means they probably aren't in the office. So I'll just spend the day all by my lonesome and stay home.

Day 4

Well today shall be a full day.

I'll let you know right now, I will be sorta kinda breaking my fast. Sorta. See, Willy and I have to go tasting at a Mexican place that may do our wedding catering. I'm not going to eat entire meals, though, just tiny bites. I know god will forgive me, because he knows just how much hell I'm going through in planning this wedding. ;) But for any of you reading this, trust me, this will harm more than help. Because eating a tiny bit is going to start up my metabolism, and I will be in hunger pain for the rest of the day. *sigh*

This is the only time I will eat during the day during Lent. I won't be doing any more taste testing until after Easter. I swears. I also have to go and do some shopping this afternoon for makeup and clothes and ingredients for fake blood. Why? We have a photo shoot tomorrow, yaaay! So I need to dress accordingly.

I am also going to note right here that no, I do not expect to lose weight by fasting this way, and no, I really have not lost ANY weight. The only change I've noticed is an increase of pain during the day, and a less "heavy" feeling. I wonder if after another week of this, I'll see other differences? Giving up animal products is hard and strange.

Also expect the cable guy to come in and fix our cable problem. Somethings up with the splitter, and even after we replaced it, it still won't let us watch tv and be on the internet at the same time. Stupid Comcast.

Day 3 (Cont.)

Today went very well. My only slip up (which isn't really a slip-up?) was when I bought juice during lunch. I should have known better than to have trusted it, because it was one of those crappy juice mixes that had high fructose corn syrup. -_- I do not want corn in my carrot juice, thank you. Douchebags.

Anyhow, before coming home I stopped off to buy a few things to make my fasting easier. I got some salmon for tomorrow's dinner, and tonight I made a white bean soup with tomatoes and onions and carrots. It really was good, so here's me posting the recipe!

- 1 box of Swanson's vegetable broth
- 2 cans of white beans
- 1 can of diced tomatoes
- 1 can of carrots
- 1/2 an onion
- 1 teaspoon cumin
- 2 cups water
- salt/pepper to taste

This made a lot of soup so I kept the rest for later meals, and for Willy to eat when he's hungry. It's all vegan and very easy to make, plus it makes the house smell delicious. :)

Day 3

So I made a bit of a mistake, last night. Not really a big one. I didn't cheat or anything. I had a completely vegan meal, it's just that.. it feel like I overate a bit.

I took Willy to Hard Times (our favorite chili place) because they were giving away free bowls of chili with any purchase. So, I got a side of fries, and a bowl of vegetarian chili. It may SOUND strange, but it is actually "soy flakes cooked in a tomato base with fresh mushrooms, onions, green peppers, jalapenos & peanuts". So while it sounds weird, it's really seriously delicious. Total amount of calories? 260. Now those fries.. I have a love affair with French fries and vinegar. While dieting, this is the thing that I miss the most. I had some last night, which combined with the veggie chili, made me feel really full and guilty. Why? Because there were about 500 calories in those fries. Ughghghg...

Now ordinarily this isn't a big deal. I had a snack at my place before going to Hard Times, a slice of double fiber wheat bread and some hummus. So for the entire day, I had about 1000 calories. This wouldn't be BAD if it had been spread throughout the day. Unfortunately, all of those calories were consumed over about 2 hours. So my body is likely storing them as fat, right now. Because I'm a silly dumb girl who likes French fries.

Well no more of that. I refuse to gain weight during this fast. Tonight I'm going out for some beans, salmon, and other sea foods(no not breaded), so that I can have some nice healthy fats and protein at night when I eat. I don't want to become a "white vegetarian" and gain weight by eating starchy foods in place of meat. No way.

On the bright side, my stomach muscles are sore from last night's band practice. I actually get a pretty good stomach work out while singing during practice, because I keep my abs tight the whole time, and while singing, I'm still flexing them. So at the end of practice I'm fairly exhausted.

Day 3 should go much better than day 2. No more of day 2s antics, I tell ya.