Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Day 7

So after an entire day of editing photos of myself, I was shocked by a few things. One, how strangely similar to my friend Hollie I look when I put on make-up; and two, how small my upper body is. Coming from a girl who used to look like this...
Believe me, wearing a size 4 shirt is a big deal. The bigger deal was the fact that I didn't have to Photoshop my upper body at all. Usually I need to take in a little here, a little there, tuck this in.. but not yesterday. I hardly needed to do a thing, besides make a few things smoother and of course, do a little color correction.

Whenever I look at that picture, I am astounded by how I looked. I actually loved my hair, and man, if only I didn't work at a corporate office, I'd totally do that again. The bangs were normally a bright red, but that picture is of me in the Louvre during my trip to Paris, and I didn't dye my hair for two whole weeks. Anyhow, I loved that hairstyle. I used to express myself with my clothes, my hair, make-up.. I had fun, because hey, I was in college. I could do whatever the hell I wanted and I enjoyed it.

Now that I'm older, it's more complicated. I need to blend in with the crowd, yet still look theatrical when I go on stage. It's like a mask I put on whenever I have a show, or do photos. I have different "me"s. For example, there is this me:See the one on the far right? With the tan? That's how I look just about every day. If you saw me on a Tuesday, that's probably how I'd be. Boring, bland, normal. (Willy is the nice gentleman I have my hand on, by the way.) I don't mind this look because, at the very least, I've got my bullet belt. A little bit of the real me to shine through. Enough to show -some- amount of personality.
Then there's this me:
You know this one. It's one of my stage personas. I'm a little more hard core, I'm fun and free-spirited, I bounce around and smile a lot and generally act a little crazy. I'm wearing pants and tennis shoes and chains. I have GOGGLES with SPIKES in them. This is college me. The me I miss because I was so fun and full of energy. I didn't really wear a lot of make-up, but I did wear a lot of fun accessories. It was fun. Everything that I did was fun.

Last but not least, we have a photo from Sunday's set. This is the me that I always wanted to be. Feminine, sexy, dangerous. Evil and beautiful. This is honestly the fakes "me" there is. I am honestly the least evil person you may ever meet. I like being nice. I'm also not naturally sexy. If I am, it's because of other things. I don't have straight hair, or pale skin, or wear heavy make-up. I don't wear "evil secretary" clothes and I don't keep my face that straight. It's not me at all, but I definitely recognize it's appeal. Right now, I'm sort of in a bind. This persona is awesome, but the other one, the me with the spiky goggles and jeans, that's more myself than anything else. So the challenge now is to mix the two, which I've had trouble doing. I have to find a way to turn what I am, and what I used to want to be, into one real person that I can actively portray.

Not as easy as it sounds.

But I'll work on it. For now, it will be my new challenge. I'm thinking of ways to do it, and I'm really excited with how it may turn out. I'm also looking forward to new pictures, but for now, the "evil secretary" look is in.

As far as fasting updates, I'm doing great. I've gotten used to eating this way, eating vegan, and I feel fine. I still get cravings for meat, especially last night when I cooked Willy some steak. My mouth was watering.. but, I lived. I was fine. I definitely feel the "sacrifice" part of Lent, even if it's just denial of my favorite foods. I'm suffering very little, in the overall sense of things, but it does make me think.

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