Day 8

So without going into the "TMI" category, I've definitely been noticing some changes as far as my shape goes. See, as a person who has NEVER been thin, I am not used to looking in the mirror without being completely ashamed of what I see. I still am. However, I'm noticing little things that were never there. For example, I used to have a gut. Like seriously, a GUT. I had love handles that you could grip and then some. If I looked at my profile in the mirror, I had this huge Buddha belly and an ass to shame the cosmos. This morning I noticed that my stomach is almost completely flat. It's not taut by any means, but there is no longer that bulge. There's no protrusion. There's a small curve beneath my belly button, and that's it.

At the same token, thighs and ass still huge.. but I have naturally wide hips, so my ass probably will never be narrow, no matter how much weight I lose. My thighs are another matter entirely. They will likely be thick for the rest of my life. Even if my ribs are visible, and the bones and muscles in my back, I will -still- have chubby thighs. Annoying.

But this fast isn't about me losing weight. I haven't gone down in weight since I started a week ago, and considering how my metabolism has probably slowed down to a trickle, I very much doubt that I will. If anything, I'll gain weight once Easter comes along and I begin eating normally again. I think having an empty stomach just helps with the illusion of thinness. When I'm hungry like this, I feel better. That's not a good thing at all. I worry that I'm fasting for the wrong reasons, and I really need to ask for forgiveness before my vanity overshadows my dedication to my god. I don't want to use Lent as an excuse to starve myself.

I'm doing well today, though. Last night was salmon, bean sprouts, mushrooms, and broccoli. I've also been snacking on cheerios. During the day today, herbal tea and water will keep me sane. I hope. I have a few of calls to make for this wedding, to the caterer and my priest. I didn't realize it was only 5 months until the wedding. Holy hell.