Perhaps I over-work?

How I am going to manage to work 40 hours at my contract position while simultaneously working at the greenhouse on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings are beyond my thinking. I'm not going to have much of a life outside of work for the next week.. but.. hey! It's work! I can only pray that I get the other job I went in for on Friday. Contracts are great, but this could be a one-time deal.

So easy to shop!

You know, I find that when I'm dieting, it is SO much easier to shop. I know exactly what I can and can not have. A week back into my WOE (way of eating), I can easily say no to the snack foods that I have issues with (damn you, tortilla chips!!), and look forward to the foods that I -can- have.

This morning I drove to Bloom. See, I've got a contract with these guys who work for NASA to do some graphic work, and I'm expecting a call from them. Unfortunately, my phone is dead, my friend has my charger, and she's not home, so the only thing I have to charge my phone with is the car charger. I needed to get some veggies (all we have left is broccoli), so I went on an expedition to Bloom. I -love- Bloom. If I were happy with my weight, oh the things I would buy!! Mostly foods that I once enjoyed at home, things from my dad's country that I miss (plantains, yucca, mangoes, papaya...), and the awesome specialty tortilla chips.

But I said no! I totally said no to all of it and bought some good stuff. Chili flavored oil for stir fries, horseradish sauce for Willy's roast beef sandwiches, sugar-free raspberry vinegrette for salads, cucumbers, mushrooms, and celery.. and a few other things I can't remember. But I love the ease of shopping, and the peace of mind that I get, knowing that anything I eat won't make me gain weight. With that freedom, I could chew on this celery all day.. ha!

Today

So today, I had an interview. I had it at 9:15 AM, and it was all the way in Landover MD, right down the street from the Redskins Statium. Funny how I moved all the way to Manassas for my job, only to possibly get a new one right next to my old hometown of Forestville. Honestly though? I couldn't care less. I'd do anything to get this job. It's what I want, just a job as a graphic artist for a growing company, and I know I'd be happy there. I want this so badly. I need a job that will make me feel good, and I'll drive an hour every morning to get there.

Did VERY well on the diet front, today. Lunch was chicken salad, dinner was sausages and zucchini in vodka sauce. Two cheese snacks in between, aaaand that's it! I feel full and happy, and my jeans are feeling looser. So hopefully I'll get thiiiiiiiiiiinner...

But what would make me happiest is to be skinny, and have this job. So please pray for me, and pray HARD.

Bad Memories

Looks like I lost a pound, this morning. Not a bad start! I haven't been dieting for very long, so, that one pound was a tiny victory. Only nineteen more to go!

One fabulous thing about the Atkins diet that I've always told people over the years (despite their disapproving glances), is that when I eat this way, I don't feel hungry. And it's TRUE. The only times I feel hungry are when I haven't packed myself any food, which I admit, I do sometimes. At those times, I am tempted to cheat, because the alternatives are cheaper than my expensive healthy eating. When those times happen, I try to remind myself of bad times. Times when I felt bad about my weight, so that I might keep myself on track.

When I was in college, I wrote a big "F" on my hand. Wonder what that stood for! I used it as a reminder not to eat badly. When Willy found out that I did this, he was furious. I can understand his anger, but, imagine how I felt? I was a fat girl dating a cute thin guy. I was always the fat girl dating the cute thin guy, and for once in my life, I wanted to be the normal girl dating the cute thin guy!! And I was becoming my definition of "normal", but certain things plagued me. Like going swimming.

To this day, I put up a huge fight when Willy wants to use the pool at his house. I am miserable being around his thin family, where everyone can judge me as the ugly fat girl. I remember when I lost 40lbs a few years back, and was so proud of myself that I bought my first bikini. I think I was about 140lbs. I got into the water, and over heard some kid, maybe about 10 years old, say: "I've never seen a fat Mexican, before."

I was angry. First, I was angry at the kid for calling me a Mexican. I am not a Mexican, you little turd! But honestly, I was angrier at myself for having the idiocy to think that I could get away with wearing a bikini. How dare I think that way? And yet today, I consider my own thinking to be stupid. Why shouldn't I be comfortable in a bikini? I'm 124lbs, a weight that many would consider "thin", and the stupid BMI charts as "normal", but the idea of other people seeing my cellulite is humiliating. Yes, I know that plenty of other people have cellulite, but I was never one of those happy teenage girls on the beach. I never got to take off my shirt and shorts and prance on the sand. I never even wore shorts!! I still don't wear shorts. I haven't worn a pair of shorts since I was 13.

Boy does it suck to say that. I haven't worn shorts in 12 years.

But that's why I want to lost this remaining fat. My arms are a little chubby, but it's not them I worry about. People give me shit about losing weight because they've never seen my thighs. I would never let them! They're so full of fat that it actually.. I don't know... hangs? Jiggles? It's gross. It's disgusting. And it's what fuels me toward being 105lbs, so, if remembering horror stories about being fat will keep me on track, then damn it, that is what I am going to do.

And with that, I bring you a link to The Crazy Woman Inside Me's report on fat chicks in bathroom stalls. Because I do remember what it's like to be the fattest chick in the john.

I am physically weak...

...and had to leave work early today, because of it. See, it was Code Orange, today. Code orange means:

"Unhealthy for Sensitive Groups" AQI (Air Quality Index) is 101 - 150. Although general public is not likely to be affected at this AQI range, people with lung disease, older adults and children are at a greater risk from exposure to ozone, whereas persons with heart and lung disease, older adults and children are at greater risk from the presence of particles in the air.

Due to my severe case of asthma, and the fact that I have no health insurance yet (hurry up, Willy!!) and no emergency inhaler OR preventative medicine, I asked if I could leave early and trade with someone in the afternoon. See, I'm one of those people who's "at risk", which means I'm first in line for flu shots with all the senior citizens, and I face daily pain. It's great, really. Losing a ton of weight years back helped my asthma some, but, I've learned that my asthma isn't induced by exercise like many other overweight people. When I first got health insurance, with my first job, I was able to get myself tested by a doctor. She was shocked I hadn't done this before (amazing what you can live through!) because apparently I have the lung capacity of a 90 year old.

After getting Advair I was okay, but, since I've been without a full-time job for the past four months, I've been unable to have health insurance. Now that I'm married I'll get on Willy's plan, but these four months without preventative medicine have been hell. I got a severe allergic reaction at the nail salon when I got my nails done for the wedding, and not only did I break out in a bad case of hives from the wax job, but I also got an amazingly painful asthma attack. I honestly should have asked Willy to take me to the hospital, but damned if I was about to pay for an emergency room bill TWO DAYS before getting married. So I suffered through it, my lungs ached a bit throughout the weekend, but I lived.

Today, I didn't want to risk it. I was getting chest pain and lightheadedness in the greenhouse around 12, and by 1 I was downright loopy. Luckily I've switched places with another dude so I'll be working tomorrow morning to make up for today's lost hours, but seriously, it sucks so hard to be weak. And to not have the means to take care of it. This is another reason I'm so depressed about losing my job... it really did make life easier to live through. I need to find another full time position, and soon. Winter is coming, and my asthma is about ten times worse in the cold.

Anyone out there need a graphic artist? Damn it am I ever depressed.

Dewin' gewd!

Been doing pretty good on the diet front, except I didn't get to drink much water today. We were out of bottled water at the nursery, so all I had to drink was the Diet Rock Star that I brought with me. I had a nice chicken salad for lunch, then beef and broccoli for dinner. All of it homemade, no artificial bad crap, ect. All of it was good stuff! Hopefully we'll have water, tomorrow.

I managed to read another Lisa See novel, today. Peony In Love is an awesome and kinda depressing book. I've got this thing for books about oppressed Chinese women, and I think this is the worst one. It's freaking DEPRESSING to see just how men thought of women back in the day, and, I'll be honest, in their religion, the afterlife really really sucks. Sucks hard. I won't go too much into it, but if you like depressing love stories and oppressed Chinese women, this one is for you!

You know I've gotta have a lot of time on my hands at the rate I go through these books...

Weekend Omelette

This is my Atkins-friendly omelette. I make it every weekend for Willy and I, because it's filling, easy, and good for joo. So here's the recipe!

Ingredients

1/2 bell pepper, diced
1/4 red onion, diced
2 oz pepperjack cheese, cut in tiny cubes
4 eggs
3 tsp crushed red pepper
1/2 cup shredded cheese (I use Mexican mix)

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Mix all ingredients (except shredded cheese) together in one bowl.
3. Pour everything into a frying pan big enough to hold it all.
4. Bake for about 20 minutes
5. If fully cooked, sprinkle cheese on top and allow it to melt.
6. Pull out of the oven to cool. Remember to turn your oven off!
7. CONSUME