Inappropriately Shaped

Butter me up, bitches. I am on a roll, today.

Backstory:
A few years ago, I worked as a software trainer. I liked teaching. Sometimes my students (shitty self-entitled adults) were irritating, but actually, I'm a pretty good teacher. I liked talking all day, I liked showing people how to do stuff. I also knew how to dress for the job. Knee-length skirts, blouses, pantyhose, slacks, blazers, ect. Nothing too tight or too revealing. At one point, I asked my boss if how I was dressed was ok. He said I was fine. Fast forward to several months later, I'm being laid off and he's telling me lies TO MY FACE. "Your co-worker had an intervention with you about the way you dress..." he lied, to my face, as they gave me severance pay. I'd later find out that they had a high turnover rate and would constantly hire/lay-off/fire people. But that whole inappropriate dressing thing always stuck with me, so I always made sure to dress in such a way that couldn't possibly be inappropriate. No cleavage. Skirts to my knees. It's easy when you're 5' tall!!

This lady is taller than I am, so
on me, the dress goes to my
knees!

So imagine my shock when my co-worker got an e-mail from another person we work with saying that my dress, the same dress I've worn several times before (without complaint), was "inappropriate". "Club dress". I'm not even kidding. Keep in mind, I paired this non-cleavage bearing knee-length free-flowing empire-waist dress with black tights, heels, and a sweater. It is indeed the same dress to the left. I wore purple jewelry (which got a lot of compliments!), and I guess that somehow translated to "people are paying attention to what she's wearing and this is bad". Not only that, but I wore this because she agreed that my old uniform, a shapeless polyester men's shirt and black slacks, was terrible. I even asked this person if my dresses were okay! I got feedback on every single outfit! Honestly, I don't know. This being the second time my clothes have been criticized, I'm starting to wonder if the clothes aren't the problem.

Maybe I'm the problem.

I think maybe, I'm inappropriately shaped. My figure is so awe inspiring, it makes people think that, regardless of what I wear, I am so fucking hot it's distracting. That's really the only explanation I can come up with. As a pear-shaped person, my small waist and wide hips immediately make you think of sex, which is my fault. Sorry about that. I'll be sure to wear my designated burlap sack in the future.

Gratitude Project (in a nutshell)

So if you're on my friends list, odds are you've come across the "gratitude project" in which people will list one thing they're grateful for every day. Every year I see this and think, "that's a great idea!", and every year I feel kind of guilty for wanting to put what I'm grateful for on Facebook every day because it feels like bragging. So instead, I'm just gonna put it on this blurg for today because on the way into work, I had a thought.

It's freaking gorgeous outside, today. This is the kind of day I should be going on a trip to the beach with Willy to frolic amidst the sand in the sun. I hate being cooped up on pretty days, especially on a Monday when I'm tired and annoyed. However. Then I remember what it was like before I had a decent job, when waking up meant facing the realization that I'd been laid off one of those three times. The third time gave way to the most depressing moment of my life, when I was laid off from a job that I actually liked and where I actually tried really hard to be an upbeat productive member of a team. I came to work early every day. I got my work done early. I spoke up during every meeting, voicing my opinion, giving feedback, and generally acting like a leader in an area I had actual knowledge in (educational gaming software) only for them to tell me, after a few months, that the client no longer wanted a fun game and they wouldn't need me anymore. Bye bye. Go away. The receptionist will see you out.

Oh. Okay.

Enter a good month of depression where I applied to every single job in the world and was THIS CLOSE to waitressing at a seafood restaurant. I have no shame when it comes to work. I do not believe in jobs being "beneath me". I believe in jobs and I believe in working hard because when my parents came to this country, they had nothing. I've got a college degree, so what's my excuse for not working? Oh, it doesn't pay enough? Too fucking bad. I was willing to work at McDonalds until I could find better. I wound up working in a greenhouse, which I actually sort of enjoyed because I love plants and I was able to grow food on our balcony on the cheap. I was getting paid half of what I was used to and living in a studio apartment with another human and my cat. It was sad. I was sad. All the time. This was actually when I met Josh and Chris and was introduced to A Sound of Thunder, which made me very not sad. This was also when I got married! Even during the worst time of my life, I had blessings. I'm fortunate.

And now? I can't even begin to list my blessings. Not only do I have a good job in the city (which I love), but it pays well. I can get overtime. I get to wear dresses and get mani/pedis every two weeks. I make enough money to pay for whatever car I want and live in a nice neighborhood with nice neighbors. I can walk to my grocery store. I can afford artisan cheese every week. I can eat a low carb diet and feel healthy. Despite my many complaints about my body, I'm very healthy and can function as a productive member of society. I'm not disfigured in any way, so dudes still buy me drinks. I've got a band. I'm recording a new album. There are people all over the world who listen to me and enjoy hearing me sing. I have fans. I still have a 27" waist. I have someone who loves me. My teeth are straight.

I can't list all my blessings on here because there are way too many. I'm lucky, not just because I was given a great family with great values, but because I inherited their work ethic. I see ladies cleaning sinks and cutting grass, and (our race in common aside...), that could easily have been me. I could be the janitor working at the office building, but instead I'm the lady in the dress sitting at the front desk. I might get annoyed with some tenets of the job, but who isn't sometimes? The fact is that I was able to move up from a greenhouse to a place that will allow me to live in a way that I don't only enjoy, but love. So instead of being annoyed that I have to be at work on a Monday, I'm thankful that I get to be at work on a Monday. Sure, some people have it better, but some people also have it much much worse.

And at least I get to go for a nice walk on my lunch break.

So much snow!!

I must apologize for not having posted since the SNOWMAGEDDON began on Friday. See, when you're stuck in a house for... *checks calander* four fays, you start to get a little stir-crazy. I've been passing the time with frequent drawing binges, a little WoW, and cooking.

Since I work at the State Department, I follow procedure with the other federal workers. The federal government has been closed since Friday afternoon, and brace yourselves, we're gonna have another possible 20" today. It's already begun snowing little trickles here in Damascus, and all I can do is scream "Nooooo!!" and beg for it to stop. Unfortunately, my no-snow dance kinda sucks, so we're probably in for another haul. The snow is supposed to continue from today on until tomorrow afternoon, which means it's very possible they will be keeping the federal offices closed for another day.

I can't tell you how much this is displeasing our leaders, considering how much money is being wasted for every day the federal government does not work. Lets just say, it's in the millions, and I have not yet reached that point in my life where millions of dollars wasted are not a big deal to me. But hell, what can we do? Many people are still stuck from Friday's snow, and now we've got another 20" to battle.

At this point, my everything hurts. I was out there shoveling since Sunday and I'm sore in my arms.. legs.. back.. but at least I've been getting a good work-out! And despite the presence of cupcakes in the house (via my mother-in-law) I have not strayed on my diet. In fact, I have discovered a delightful new addition to my food regiment; almond milk! It's delicious, and ridiculously good for you!

Now if you will excuse me, the time has come to batten down the hatches and get ready for another SNOWMAGEDDON AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!

SNOWMAGEDDON!

Apparently, we're gonna have a big snow day today. I say "apparently", because while the rest of DC is closing down EVERYTHING and people are stockpiling for the next 5 days, the federal government has decided that closing 4 hours early would suffice.

Which means that, as a government contractor, I'm here for my full 8 hours.

Which means I'll have to find a way to get home during the SNOWMAGEDDON.

DC doesn't do well in snow, people. Especially not snow that's more than 3 feet. This year may end up being the year with the most snow our nation's capital has ever had, so you can tell we're a little unprepared. In fact, MDOT (Maryland Dept. of Transportation) has already used up it's budget. ALL OF IT. I believe VDOT (Virginia ect.) has as well. Fortunately, my dad is a contractor for VDOT, and works specifically with the plows and snow equipment, so this should be a good year for his income. We always pray for lots of snow because it means lots of money.

I still pray for lots of snow, despite the inconvenience. I just kinda wonder if I'm gonna have an issue getting home, tonight. I drive a low-rider sports car that is NO GOOD in the snow, and Willy drives a little Honda Fit. The 5 stations leading to my metro stop are above-ground, so if they shut down their above-ground stations, I will not be able to get close to home. Either home, in fact. My parents' house is near an above-grund station, so even if I asked one of them to pick me up, it couldn't happen. Closest thing to them is RFK Stadium, and by the time I'm done with work today, it will have been snowing for six hours.

I'm not worried, just a little sad. I wish the federal government had just called the day off, because then everyone could have stayed home safe. Instead, they screwed me over.

And I can't even use a sled dog team. I'm allergic to dogs.

Oh! An addition.. as it turns out, one of my uncles has a blog! Imagine that!

Josep Gironès Descarrega

Unfortunately, it's not en English, so you guys won't get to discover all of my family's steamy gossip.. unless you translate it online like I did, and learn that he writes mostly about nature and local history. My uncle's a published author, and I kinda wish I did speak their language so I could appreciate it. As an avid reader (AKA nerd) the idea of having an author for an uncle is very inspirational. It really makes me want to finish that book.

Oh, and my comic book.

Oh, and my evil restaraunt.

Oh, and my..... you get the idea.

Anyway, since Vicky here is translating.. I'm gonna have to keep it clean. HA! Just kidding. God knows how long that would last.. but hey, can ya see the resemblance?

Crying myself awake

This morning, I actually started crying after I turned off my alarm. I think I was overwhelmed by today's schedule.

04:30 - wake up, wash hair
04:15 - drive to Metro
05:15 - take Metro to DC
06:30 - walk to work
07:00 - get dressed, go buy breakfast, eat breakfast
08:00 - start work
16:00 - dress down, walk to Metro
16:15 - take Metro to Shady Grove
17:30 - drive to Manassas
19:00 - get something to eat
19:15 - get to band practice, eat, audition drummers
22:00 - drive home
13:00 - go to sleep
05:00 - wake up, drive to Manassas
08:00 - be poked, prodded, and tested
12:00 - ...pass out??

Yeah, I cried this morning. I'm so gaddamn tired. Good news, though. I learned that 10 raspberries only have 2 carbs, and 1 of them is dietary fiber. BRING ON THE BERRIES!

D'oh!

Sorry darlings, but there's nothing much to report. As far as eating goes, I had a slight relapse this weekend, but was back in the saddle by Monday. Since I'm only weighing myself on Saturdays, I'm hoping that I won't freak out, but we'll see. Willy got super sick on Sunday, and I had to take a sick day to care for him. Fortunately (or unfortunately) a co-worker had to call off today, which allowed me to take her hours, which were conveniently the same amount I lost on Monday. This means that I got to do a 12 hour shift, today. It also means I started at 4AM. Which means that I had to arrive by 3. Which means that I woke up at 1:30. Which means that I was in bed by 7. x_x

I'm gonna enjoy sleeping tonight, I tell ya what.. a 9PM bedtime doesn't seem so crazy when compared to one at 7.

I H8 WINTER

Yes, I hate winter. With a passion. I loathe snow. I abhor wind. I detest the feeling of frost beneath my feet, and more than anything, I am disgusted with the biting pain of cold on my skin.

I actually discovered a few broken blood vessels on my leg, today. I have no idea what caused them, but they're in a cluster about the size of my palm. I've been told it might have been caused by standing for 4 hours in the cold, and yanno what? It's just added to my list of things that I hate about winter. I'm basically miserable for 6 months out of the year. Cold months make me dress like a hobo, with layer upon layer of sweaters, hats, and socks. Yet I still shivver on the Metro, as I walk to work, and even just sitting here in front of my computer.

Whai, god? Whai have you cursed me with winter?

In other news, I was apparently being followed by some creepy dude on Monday. Thank goodness for our eagle-eye guards.

Annoyed with America?

Get in line...

I've got this friend from college who complains about America CONSTANTLY. It doesn't help that he's black and thinks the world is against him, but now with the strong airport security, he's got it in his head that him being black, and having a weird middle name, is suddenly going to land him in airport prison. And he's never even FLOWN before.

Let me assure everyone right now; these security measures are FOR YOUR SAFETY, and ARE NOT THAT BIG A DEAL, HOLY SHIT. I've flown a lot, my entire life, to and from Europe. I've flown to France, Spain, England, Switzerland, The Netherlands, Germany, and Egypt. Having done this many many many times, my family has devized a plan that makes it as smooth a trip as possible. Our plan? GET THERE SUPER ASS FUCKING EARLY.

Anyone who flies a lot will tell you this, but there are STILL a shit ton of folks, new to travel, who whine about the wait time. Look, if you're flying to another country, you're going to wait. A lot. That's why there are airport book stores. It's annoying, but you know, after working in security with the same guys who do airport security and passport security (we run the security in all of the passport offices in the US), I understand. There's more to this then the media creating a scare, and the security departments trying to apparently "make white people feel safer". Jesus Christ am I sick of hearing this ridiculous banter..

Before I go on, lemme just say that I hate giving off the "I work so and so, so I know more than you" vibe. I hate it when people do that. However, this is one of those things I'm learning about first hand; how we handle security, and what goes on behind those closed doors. I'm not allowed to talk about it, but I wish people would take what we're saying as truth and not just us trying to brainwash society. People, we LIVE in society! We hate being lied to just as much as you do, so don't write off our experiences as some government plot to make the US full of scared white people. It's nuts. We wouldn't enforce security if it wasn't for good reason. If some terrorist, or even a random nutcase, managed to get past us again, more than one person will hang for it. I don't know what they're doing to the people who let the Christmas bomber in with his explosives, but you can bet it's not pretty.

And this goes for all our servicemen and women, too. When they come back and tell you all that what they're doing is for the good of the US, don't roll your eyes and think you're somehow smarter than they are because you read the internetz. Unless you've been there, you don't know. I'm mad as hell when people write off our military's experiences just because they're fighting a way you don't agree with. And I'm sick of people writing off what I have to say about US security, when I AM RIGHT FUCKING HERE. I am here helping to protect my country's leaders, dignitaries, and all of the people who make US relations with other countries possible. I am not here to make people scared, and neither are the officers who protect us. So do me a favor, and take what I say for what it's worth:

Leave for the airport six hours before your flight, pack a book, and prepare for the ride.

Your MOM!

Okay, so we're living with his family for a bit. Not a big deal. Or at least, it SHOULDN'T be. Willy and I decided to move in with his family to save money while he's out of a job, and it's really not bad, but man, I hate living in other people's homes.. I miss having my own fridge, my own living room, my own messes to clean up off of my own rug. We're using this time to find Willy a new job, and buy a house. It's a scary and exciting prospect, but all the good stuff needs to wait until after Willy gets a job. Which sucks, 'cuz it's Christmas. The last thing people want is to do paper work for a new hire, so we're hoping he'll find something after the holiday season.

Not that it took me eight months, or anything...

I'm just hoping he'll be able to find a job close to mine. The last thing we need is for him to be pulled to the other side of Maryland. It takes me two hours to get to work, right now. TWO HOURS. That's a little crazy, for me. I need to be up at four, out at four thirty, ect. I think the worst part of my week will be Thursdays, when I need to drive to Manassas for band practice. I love band practice, but all that driving when I need to be in bed by nine, and practice ends at ten? Ugh. It's going to kill me, I know it...

And I'm fairly certain now, that after having three days of good sleep, my headaches are caused by my not getting enough of it. I've felt great these past few days, and I don't want to go back to being crippled by my brain screaming at me.

Anyhow, that's me right now. Had a bit of a binge episode on Sunday, caused in part by the in-laws asking me to make paella. Like I'm not going to eat my own cooking, right?? Oh man...

Bonsai Trimming

Today was alright at the green house, as far as days there go. I was given a lot to do, which is just fine with me because when I'm kept busy time goes faster. First I had to water all the plants in the front, because holy HELL today was hot. So hot that I actually broke a sweat, which seemed to disappear by the time customers actually came in. Once I was done watering, I got to do something pretty kick-ass...

Sculpt the bonsais!

We have a lot of bonsai trees which get very little attention aside from their daily watering. I was wondering if their growth was noticed, and today I was asked to trim them. Well, a few of them had been sculpted, especially the older ones, so all I had to do was follow their lead. For the younger ones, I actually got to sculpt them myself! It was pretty sweet, I've read up on bonsai sculpting and I'm pretty sure I did alright. Nobody screamed and pointed at any horrible wrecks, so I'm gonna assume they look good!

As for the drama of yesterday, looks like we'll be handling it Thursday. Which means for the next three weeks, I will be in for a TON of stress. Weeee...

This weekend and the next!

This weekend was pretty dull, but I blame that on the fact that Willy and I are saving up for next weekend's trip to the MD Renn Faire. I used to work there a few years back, and because we're always so busy and/or poor, we haven't been back since. It's going to be interesting to dig out all of my stuff, again. My corsets are all looser (I used to wear a 24"), so I'm thinking of ordering a new one sometime. I always buy my corsets from Timeless Trends. They're steel-boned under-bust corsets and they fit SO COMFORTABLY. I kid you not, they will give you a waist if you don't have one, and if you have ridiculous proportions like I do, (29" waist and 40" hips..) they will emphasize every curve. I used to wear an awesome red outfit, but I think that a lot of my accessories have been left at my parents' house, so I'll probably be going with my magenta and black outfit. The colors aren't exactly period, but who the hell cares?? I'll tell ya who. Really uppety reanactors who look down on me because I don't make my own costume and I'm wearing non-period fabrics and colors. But ya know what? I'm in it for fun. If people can dress like fairies, I can be a sexy wench with bright-ass magenta and black.

What sucks is that I have finished my books, and I didn't go get any new ones, so tomorrow might suck. I'll bring in Carrie, which is by-far my favorite by Stephen King, so hopefully my day at the green house won't be COMPLETELY boring. Not completely... ughghgh.

Speaking of work, I'm wondering whether or not they're going to renew my contract this week. We haven't gotten the influx of work that they claimed we would be getting, and I've already worked through 22 out of the 40 hours they asked me to work. I'm hoping they give me another 40. Hell, I'm hoping they decide to keep me forever, but I doubt that will happen. They don't seem to have enough work for three artists full-time, which sucks, but I totally need to find a full-time job. God I want one so bad.

Whine whine whine.

I whine because nothing much happened, today. Woke up, made beef stew for the croc pot, helped clean the apartment a bit, went grocery shopping, made some chicken salad for lunch at work, aaaand that's it. I really do hate wasting beautiful days like today was, but oh well. Next weekend will, I hope, be bad-ass.

As for the weight-loss front, I haven't weighed myself in a few days. I've been too scared. I'll get back on it tomorrow. Hopefully I'll still be at 124 or lower.

*sigh*

Because I want to be honest, I must admit that I've been off the diet for two days. I have nobody to blame but myself. It was a lapse in self control, because you see, I'm in horrible physical pain, and how do I deal with it? I eat bad things.

Tomorrow, no more. I've worked too hard to let myself go again.

Now, another thing. I'm working as a contractor right now. It's weird, because I know a lot of people who strive to be contractors. I guess it's cool because you get to charge as much as you want, but, the fact that I'm not there permanently is kinda sad to me. I just want to go to my office, do my work, and get paid. Every day. Not "whenever they need me". I hate the uncertainty of it all.

Perhaps I over-work?

How I am going to manage to work 40 hours at my contract position while simultaneously working at the greenhouse on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings are beyond my thinking. I'm not going to have much of a life outside of work for the next week.. but.. hey! It's work! I can only pray that I get the other job I went in for on Friday. Contracts are great, but this could be a one-time deal.

Today

So today, I had an interview. I had it at 9:15 AM, and it was all the way in Landover MD, right down the street from the Redskins Statium. Funny how I moved all the way to Manassas for my job, only to possibly get a new one right next to my old hometown of Forestville. Honestly though? I couldn't care less. I'd do anything to get this job. It's what I want, just a job as a graphic artist for a growing company, and I know I'd be happy there. I want this so badly. I need a job that will make me feel good, and I'll drive an hour every morning to get there.

Did VERY well on the diet front, today. Lunch was chicken salad, dinner was sausages and zucchini in vodka sauce. Two cheese snacks in between, aaaand that's it! I feel full and happy, and my jeans are feeling looser. So hopefully I'll get thiiiiiiiiiiinner...

But what would make me happiest is to be skinny, and have this job. So please pray for me, and pray HARD.

I am physically weak...

...and had to leave work early today, because of it. See, it was Code Orange, today. Code orange means:

"Unhealthy for Sensitive Groups" AQI (Air Quality Index) is 101 - 150. Although general public is not likely to be affected at this AQI range, people with lung disease, older adults and children are at a greater risk from exposure to ozone, whereas persons with heart and lung disease, older adults and children are at greater risk from the presence of particles in the air.

Due to my severe case of asthma, and the fact that I have no health insurance yet (hurry up, Willy!!) and no emergency inhaler OR preventative medicine, I asked if I could leave early and trade with someone in the afternoon. See, I'm one of those people who's "at risk", which means I'm first in line for flu shots with all the senior citizens, and I face daily pain. It's great, really. Losing a ton of weight years back helped my asthma some, but, I've learned that my asthma isn't induced by exercise like many other overweight people. When I first got health insurance, with my first job, I was able to get myself tested by a doctor. She was shocked I hadn't done this before (amazing what you can live through!) because apparently I have the lung capacity of a 90 year old.

After getting Advair I was okay, but, since I've been without a full-time job for the past four months, I've been unable to have health insurance. Now that I'm married I'll get on Willy's plan, but these four months without preventative medicine have been hell. I got a severe allergic reaction at the nail salon when I got my nails done for the wedding, and not only did I break out in a bad case of hives from the wax job, but I also got an amazingly painful asthma attack. I honestly should have asked Willy to take me to the hospital, but damned if I was about to pay for an emergency room bill TWO DAYS before getting married. So I suffered through it, my lungs ached a bit throughout the weekend, but I lived.

Today, I didn't want to risk it. I was getting chest pain and lightheadedness in the greenhouse around 12, and by 1 I was downright loopy. Luckily I've switched places with another dude so I'll be working tomorrow morning to make up for today's lost hours, but seriously, it sucks so hard to be weak. And to not have the means to take care of it. This is another reason I'm so depressed about losing my job... it really did make life easier to live through. I need to find another full time position, and soon. Winter is coming, and my asthma is about ten times worse in the cold.

Anyone out there need a graphic artist? Damn it am I ever depressed.

Much Better!

Well the truth is, I am feeling a lot better. As of last week (when I traveled to Minnesota), I realized that honestly, things could be worse. As it is, at least I have a job. Is it the job I want? No, but hell, my dream job is to be a musician, so none of my past jobs have really been my dream job. I'm learning to lighten up. Life is too short for me to be obsessed with what I feel like is my own failure.

In perfect honesty, I do not hate my job at the greenhouse. Are there times when I am desperate to come home? Sure, but what job doesn't do that to people? Work is work, and as far as jobs go, this is not the worst thing that I could be doing. At the very least, I work with people who are kind and courteous. I have never had an issue with my coworkers. They are all very humble people who are very down-to-earth, and I respect them all. It's hard to come across that sort of thing in an office environment, where most of the people around you are competing. Not that I don't miss that of course... but this is only one chapter in my life. I mean hell, I've had four jobs since graduating. I know I'll have more, and I know that I can rebuild myself.

For now, I'm focusing on this one. I'm still working on the design stuff, but my main focus is on my music, my upcoming wedding, and the artistic inspiration that I've been salvaging.

As for other creative outlets? I'm in a podcast! Sako, my photographer, maid of honor, and the Daimyo of Dork, had the idea to create a podcast. It's called "The Duchy of Dork" and it stars the both of us. I'm really impressed by all of the work she's done on the sites, and her photos are absolutely beautiful (not just because they're of me... *cough*).

So go check it out, sometime! If you have time to kill to listen to two chicks talk about dorky stuff, that is.

Fear is popular

So I haven't written in here because honestly, I've been afraid to. I've been afraid of updating my little progress, because I've literally made very little. I now have two jobs; one, working 44 hours a week as a cashier at a plant nursery. Two, working part-time at an office in DC, where I update their website, and may eventually help them build a new one. So I've got two jobs, which, when added together, do not pay as much as I made during my last one. Or even during my first one. This is very depressing, BUT... at least I am working.

At least I have a job. At least I can write in my resume that I never stopped working within my field. During my time working retail, I've not only done contract work, but also part-time work within the graphic design world. So, I'm not COMPLETELY off track. Not completely. And I continue to get people calling and e-mailing, asking if I'm interested in interviews. So far, they've only been for contract jobs. But I have faith that things will change someday. In the meantime, at least I have these two jobs.

I'll admit it, though. I am still terribly depressed. How can I not be? I lost the best job of my life. I lost the happiest time I've ever had working. I lost something that I can only hope I can replace, someday. And yet, in spite of it all, I'm getting married in 3 months. So the world isn't really that horrible, is it? Not if love can help me through it.

Day 38

Oh man.. been working my butt off doing some freelance work while simultaneously trying to get a real job. So far, my only lead is an interview for web design next Wednsday. After that, I don't know what I'll do. I'm making $20 per hour doing freelance stuff for this non-profit organization, so who knows, maybe I'll land a permanent place with them, if they like the stuff I do this weekend.

This really blows.

Day 34

Apologies for not updating. I've been so depressed that all I do is glue myself to my computer and refresh all of the pages I use for job hunts. It's exhausting and I feel miserable. I've been having horribly vivid nightmares. I sincerely hate not working.

Day 31

I've been spending every waking moment behind my computer, sending out resume after resume, and getting nothing in return. As of right now, I've applied to over sixty jobs, both in my field and within the scope of what I am capable of. Today I have an interview at one o'clock, for something that will probably be sales. I wouldn't mind doing sales, but I pray that it isn't telemarketing. Not that I wouldn't do it if it paid the same amount, but, if it doesn't pay the same amount and it's just telemarketing, then my only lead will be for nothing.

So I'm praying to god that me dressing in a suit will do more than land me a gig behind the phone. Or worse yet, be for absolutely nothing. Because I need money. I don't care if I'm miserable while I do it, I need money to live.

I didn't go to band practice last night because of Stagi's graduation/after party. He's Willy's best man and best friend, and I felt it important to celebrate. After all, dude was in college for a long time. It's gotta feel good to finally be out of there. Hopefully he'll have luck in the job market. Hopefully, so will I.