Comparisons

Amazing how people can change from one year to the next. I was looking at one of my most prized photos; myself with the lead singer of Sonata Arctica, Tony Kakko. Then I was looking at this picture I took with my cell phone once I bought a new shirt from Hot Topic. I took it because it's got Flap Jack, which is one of the best cartoons I've seen in a loooong time... and I noticed how different my face is. For the better, I think. Seems like I lost weight in my face. It's kind of weird, because scale-wise, I'm around the same. But whatever man, can't look a gift horse in the mouth! One customer who comes in likes to call me Penelope Cruz on account of my weird (very Spanish) nose. Again, no arguing there. If you wanna compare me to a hot Spanish movie star, be my guest. In other news, my plateau is driving me crazy. I've got another show on Friday, and I've got to crack down so I look good for it. REALLY looking forward to this one, even more than the last. While I adore Edguy more than Moonspell, my band's own performance has been even more perfectly planned then last time. I'll be sure to post the video, and if you like you can even watch it live! I'll post the SyncLive link when it gets closer to the big day. Woo!

Oooh, gossip!

So one of the chicks from Baywatch has gained a bit of weight. Not THAT much, mind you.. she's maybe a 12 at most. Depends on her height. Anyway, she's gonna be on Celebrity Fit Club and she made this video. Now it's funny, because the Superficial is a website full of people who make fun of fate people like it's a sport. But for this video, a good 90% of the people posting are saying that they'd STILL hit that, she's not that fat, and the two dudes in the water are way fatter.

I totally agree. I still think the video is funny because of the ending, but damn, if this is what Hollywood is considering super ass fat, then we're in big trouble.

How does this hit me, personally? It hits me pretty badly, because my body is pretty similar to this chick's. I don't have the stomach, but everything else? Yes... which is why when I see those guys reject her, I feel reassured that I'm a huge fat-ass and need to keep trying to lose weight. Even though everyone is all, "Oh you're not fat!" I'll never feel like I'm thin until I'm Baywatch thin.

I was watching that new Comedy Central show, "Secret Girlfriend" (it's terrible) and there was a scene where these girls were playing kickball. I told Willy, "See, that's why I'm jealous of skinny girls. Look how much fun they're having." And he told me it was all in my head, I could totally have that much fun if I wanted to. He doesn't get it. I can NEVER have that much fun, because the entire time I'd be playing, I'd be afraid that some part of me that isn't my boobs would be jiggling, which would lead to people laughing at me. I'm not kidding. I go through every moment of my life afraid that someone is laughing at me for being fat. It's pretty damn taxing, but there you go.

I wish that I could wake up one day and have skinny thighs, and be able to wear shorts and run freely with all of the other giggling pretty girls. Wouldn't that be amazing? Holy shit.

Ah, Wednesday!

So it's Wednesday, that day where I'm home alone with the cat, doing laundry. I always come across the worst decisions on these days... to shower, or not to shower? To shop or not to shop? Mostly I mope around the house, wishing I had a better job, sending resume after resume while watching bad day-time TV. Speaking of which, at least Home Improvement is still on TV! Go Wilson!

I'm pretty much the same today, according to the WiiFit. No gains, no losses. I'm probably going to have to cut a few snacks from my diet that might be stalling me. No more caffeine (!!!), or nuts. I gotta make a grocery store run today, anyway. Only need a few things, like vegetables, and... vegetables!

Meal Planning

One of the most important things to do while dieting is to plan meals. Personally, I'm good at planning meals when I have an endless budget and can buy as many healthy snacks as humanly possible. Why? Because my husband will EAT THEM ALL within less than a week, leaving me with little to use.

I don't fault him for this. I'm GLAD he eats healthy snacks, but he tends to take more at a time than I can account for, so I'm usually left with a pantry full of canned corn and tuna. As it stands, I currently have that, and a few ziploc bags full of meat in the freezer. Also, a large assortment of spices and condiments, as well as nearly empty bags of rice that shall go untouched so long as I have the strength in me to persevere in this weight loss venture.

So really, I gotta get creative. I noticed I had some eggs in the fridge, which are a godsend to Atkins-ites everywhere. This means that tomorrow I'll have egg salad for lunch, and thank god for that. While at work, I tend to go from being contently full, to HOLY MOTHER OF VADER I AM STARVING. It's that painful type of starving that I always try to induce before going to a really amazing restaurant. I haven't done that in a while, but it's basically my inset idea that if I'm going to eat out, I should be painfully starving so that I can truly appreciate the experience. I don't do this while I'm dieting, because that sort of thinking leads to eating from the ever-present free bread basket that seems to be offered in every restaurant from Red Lobster to the Texas Road House.

ANYHOO, my brain tends to associate pain with pleasure. No, I'm not a cutter, but I am the sort of weirdo who likes to feel hungry because I know that the hungrier I am, the less is in my stomach, which makes it appear flatter. Now, how to explain why I enjoy hot wax dripping... maybe that's a post for another day.

Still, every time I get that surge of confidence with the hunger I feel really weird. Because I LOVE eating, but it makes me feel bad. And that intense hunger is usually followed by nausea and headaches, which I must say, are the worst side effects ever. I've passed out twice due to something associated with hunger and heat. Nearly three times, but the third time I managed to keep myself conscious. So I know it's dangerous to starve, which is why I don't do it. But man, sometimes I wish it did! Because it's so tempting to see anorexic chicks, sometimes. They make it look so easy. If I tried to starve myself, my body would probably stall in weight loss for a week before slowly losing one or two pounds before I just died. And I don't wanna die, I just wanna drop ten pounds. Is that too much to ask!?

I suppose it's enough just to be thankful that I weighed a bit less at my last doctor's visit. Ya'll know how those doctor scales are... at least 5+ more than what you weigh back home, right? Well this time, it was only 4+! Which is a step up. Usually when I go there I'm close to 130lbs. o_O This time it said 126, which is definitely an improvement. At home my usual weight is 122.5. This is definitely the plateau I've reached, and I'm working hard to get past it. Sometimes I do, but just a teeny tiny bit, but then it comes back the moment I eat something bad. I know I gotta keep on it, and luckily I have been for a while now, but that needle just isn't budging. I'm willing to bed that upping my exercise would help, but after spending 9 hours a day in a greenhouse, I'm less willing to go for a run if ya catch my drift...

Oh well, we'll see what I can do. I got a good two weeks before my next show, so here's hoping I can lose a few pounds before then.

Oh, you drugs, you...

Yesterday I visited the doctor about my migraines. My doctor is a kindly old lady with a voice like Mrs. Puff and an accent like Paula Dean.

So Paula Puff hears my complaints and gives me an ass-load of pills to try. Pills for my restless legs (won't get those until Monday), Vitamin D for my hair, and three different samples of migraine meds. I was suffering pretty bad by the time I got home, so I decided to take one of the samples before going to work.

We can see where this is going.

I get on the road and feel weird. Really weird. My head is throbbing, my neck is aching, and I feel DRUNK. So I call Willy with slurred speech, and luckily I was driving past his building on the way to work so he demanded I pull over so he could come pick me up. I made it to his building, and lay comatose for a few seconds. Once he got permission to take me home, I was in my passenger's seat, struggling to breathe.

I basically got all of the side effects associated with the pain killer, and NONE of the benefits. My head STILL fucking hurts. So I won't be trying the other ones until my next day off, which is Wednesday. Holy crap what an experience. Reminds me of the anti-depressants I was given, which did nothing but make me sleep for 15 hours. I guess you can't be depressed in your sleep, right?

Anyway, Willy's making me ditch Dr. Paula Puff in favor of a doctor that will actually try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and why I've had the same migraine for two weeks now, instead of giving me an arsenal of pills. It's a good thing I'm not a drug abuser, I tell you what...

That's crap!

Okay, so I have this condition that many people consider crap. It's called "restless leg syndrome". I've had this for a long time, I'm remembering that I've had it since at least high school, and it SUCKS. Most of the time I get it when I go to bed too late, and I'm seriously exhausted. What sucks about it is how it keeps me up at night. What sucks more is that there is no known treatment for it. It's gotten so bad recently that my legs will twitch without me making them. I'm sure they keep Willy up, too.

The pain is weird to describe. It's more like an... ache. Like, if I don't move my legs, I get this horrible horrible ache that won't go away, and the longer I go without moving them, the more crazy I have to move them in order to make them stop aching. I look like I'm possessed, flailing around like a maniac.

From Google Health:

Restless leg syndrome can result in a decreased quality of sleep (insomnia) with subsequent daytime sleepiness, anxiety or depression, and confusion or slowed thought processes from lack of sleep.

Oh yeah, definitely. I can't tell you how little I function without sleep. I'm just crap without my 8 hours, and restless legs wake me up constantly throughout the night. It's the worst! I'll be all comfy, with my cat nuzzled in one arm, and Willy in the other, and then I get the shakes. And my damn legs hurt, and I kick like a crazy person until both my cat and husband abandon their cuddle positions and I have to get up to stretch or walk. And as soon as I lie down again, the ache comes back. It hardly ever stops.

I got a doctor's appointment today for my headache. I'll also be throwing something in about my constant hair loss and restless legs. Yes, you read right. Hair loss. My hair hasn't been thick since middle school, and I lose a ton of full length strands every day. I don't know if it's a vitamin deficiency or what, but I'm really tired of it. Hopefully my doctor can work some magic or something.

Owwwwwwwwwww my head...

I'm finally buckling down and scheduling a doctor's appointment, today. I've gotten a bit sick of waking up with the same headache, just to pop a few ibuprofen to make them go away.

In other news, my bass player isn't coming to practice again tonight. Apparently, he'll be in Florida. Why? Who the hell knows!

As for me, I'll be busily taking care of my headache with yet another round of doctors visits. Last time this happened, I had an MRI which showed nothing. Which I guess is a relief, but I kinda wish they found out why my brain is constantly screaming. My migraines just sorta went away, then. Coincidentally, now that I think about it, they were happening around the same time last year... but I don't FEEL sick with allergies. What, do I get seasonal migraines?? This is fucking retarded.