Thursday, August 20, 2009


The problems I've been having losing weight recently stem from the scale, and how I know it works. I know that if I eat something bad, it will go up. And if I eat well for a few days, it will go down. It always takes longer for it to go down than for it to go up, and it is so discouraging when it goes up that I go on this "Well, it's already at 125 again.. so who cares what I eat!" mentality. It's this mentality that's keeping me from losing weight.

All I've been losing for these past few days is water. When I eat lots of carbs, I retain water. When I don't, I lose the water, and eventually, some fat. If I stick to my diet for about a week, I'm down to 122.5. Natch. I get joy whenever I see it go below this, but lately it's been so hard to. I make excuses. "I'm too tired to cook/prepare meals. I've been working 3 jobs. Why did I have to be born this way? I look fine.. sort of..." over and over.

I've gone so far as using a toothbrush to make myself throw up after a carb-laden meal. It's easier for me to enjoy my food, then just get rid of it, than it is to not eat it. How pathetic is that? And the worst thing is, I don't even really like it. I just crave it to make myself feel better. I use food as medicine, but then I feel so guilty that I get rid of it. Then I feel even more guilty.

I haven't done this a lot. It's tempting, but, I'm a musician and I know that if I continue this habit I'll end up damaging myself beyond repair. But the urge is so strong, sometimes. And it makes me pissed off to no end because if that whole "calories in, calories out" bullshit were true, I'd be one skinny bitch. I never eat more than 1000 calories in a day. I know I burn more than that amount just by living, so where the hell is MY weight loss? I don't see any weight loss unless I eat nothing but meat and vegetables. That's just how my body is wired. My native genes are not made to digest starchy vegetables and excess complex carbs.

I hate how my brain works. How I can love myself and hate myself at the same time. I want to lose these last 20lbs, but how can I when I repeatedly sabotage myself?


Fat Daddy said...

Oh Dear! Please try to restrain that urge to purge. That is damaging to you in so many more ways than just your singing voice.

I know the last pounds can be so terribly frustrating to lose. And like you I resent that the scale goes up fast and down slow. Hell if it were easy we'd all be skinny right?

I don't know what you do for exercise, but for me I turn the screw a little tighter (increasing my exercise regiment) every four weeks. It seems to keep my metabolism moving and the weight dropping.

It sounds like you need to find a bit more will for a good two week burst of hardcore/no slip diet and exercise.

I hope you can break your log jam...and take good care of yourself when you do so.

Carlos said...

exercise is the key to it for me so far...

Nina said...

I have to wait until I get my insurance card before I can work out, again. I don't have an inhaler and if I get another asthma attack, I'm screwed...

Amy said...

I feel you, girl....I've been dieting hardcore for 2 weeks and lost.........2 pounds. Two. Lame.

Tigerlilly said...

My body is the same way. If I have one carb, one gram of sugar or one thing that is anything other then vegetables... I dont lose a thing.

I've been living off of protein shakes, salads and veggies and have finally been dropping weight.

My advice, listen to your body. If you dont lose weight by eating carbs, then dont. IT SUCKS... but all you have to do is stay strong until the weight is gone.

oh yeah, and knock that purging shit off. Your killing yourself.


screwdestiny said...

Whoa whoa whoa, you need to be eating more than 1,000 calories a day. If you're exercising and are any kind of active, you should be having probably between 1,300-1,500. That's why you're not losing. Your body thinks it's starving so you've slowed your metabolism to a halt. Also, do you eat regularly during the day? That's another thing that will affect your metabolism negatively: if you're only eating once or twice throughout the day. Anyway, hope this helps. Just found your blog, and I'm enjoying it.