The problems I've been having losing weight recently stem from the scale, and how I know it works. I know that if I eat something bad, it will go up. And if I eat well for a few days, it will go down. It always takes longer for it to go down than for it to go up, and it is so discouraging when it goes up that I go on this "Well, it's already at 125 again.. so who cares what I eat!" mentality. It's this mentality that's keeping me from losing weight.
All I've been losing for these past few days is water. When I eat lots of carbs, I retain water. When I don't, I lose the water, and eventually, some fat. If I stick to my diet for about a week, I'm down to 122.5. Natch. I get joy whenever I see it go below this, but lately it's been so hard to. I make excuses. "I'm too tired to cook/prepare meals. I've been working 3 jobs. Why did I have to be born this way? I look fine.. sort of..." over and over.
I've gone so far as using a toothbrush to make myself throw up after a carb-laden meal. It's easier for me to enjoy my food, then just get rid of it, than it is to not eat it. How pathetic is that? And the worst thing is, I don't even really like it. I just crave it to make myself feel better. I use food as medicine, but then I feel so guilty that I get rid of it. Then I feel even more guilty.
I haven't done this a lot. It's tempting, but, I'm a musician and I know that if I continue this habit I'll end up damaging myself beyond repair. But the urge is so strong, sometimes. And it makes me pissed off to no end because if that whole "calories in, calories out" bullshit were true, I'd be one skinny bitch. I never eat more than 1000 calories in a day. I know I burn more than that amount just by living, so where the hell is MY weight loss? I don't see any weight loss unless I eat nothing but meat and vegetables. That's just how my body is wired. My native genes are not made to digest starchy vegetables and excess complex carbs.
I hate how my brain works. How I can love myself and hate myself at the same time. I want to lose these last 20lbs, but how can I when I repeatedly sabotage myself?