Wednesday, October 14, 2009


I got a call last night from a friend of mine, asking if I'd like to see KISS for free. Of COURSE!! I went with her and a few friends into my beloved city of DC, and we saw KISS live at the Verizon Center. It was AMAZING. I had such a great time, and was crazy-inspired after wards. I can't wait until this Friday.

However, since this is a weight loss/eating disorder blog, I feel as if it's my responsibility to wrote about what's been going on this week. On Sunday I promised myself I'd go on a liquid diet so I'd be as thin as possible for Friday. Well, Monday night came, and Willy and I were discussing what to do for dinner. I was trying to hide my secret. Then I realized I was lying to my husband, and this was wrong of me. But I knew if I told him the truth, he'd be mad. So after some long internal debate, I told him. He said he wasn't mad, just very sad. So I had a few pieces of meat and some broccoli for dinner. Yesterday, I had coffee, half a cup of egg drop soup, and a small thing of fries at the Verizon Center. I feel so guilty for those fries, but I promised Willy I'd eat something.

I feel so weird for being guilty for eating. At first I felt guilty whenever I ate bad stuff, like fries and bread and other starchy food. Now I feel guilty for eating. I feel happy when I'm on "empty". It feels liberating. This is bad territory. I know if I go back to my therapist I won't be able to tell him the truth, because truthfully, I don't WANT to change. Yesterday my boss found out I weighed 180 and told me how impressed he was that I'd kept it off. Well, the truth is, I'm too paranoid to gain weight. I'm so worried about waking up fat one day that I can't bring myself to eat most of the time. This is not normal. And I don't want to change. Sometimes I try to sleep in as late as I can because sleeping too much makes me nauseous, which keeps me from eating.

Yeah, this isn't normal or good. I know that. But I don't ever want to be fat again, and I'm STILL dying to lose ten more pounds. I hate this mini gut that I have. I hate seeing my thighs so round. Willy says I have too much self hate. I think I have enough to keep myself from being fat again.


Amy said...

I hear you, I hear you, I hear you. On everything you wrote.

Even if we can't control other crap, we can control our food, right?

Nina said...

In the end, it's all about feeling "in control", isn't it?

Fat Daddy said...

Oh dear I hate that you feel that way. You have done well you know that. I am with Willi, I am not a fan of the liquid. Enough preaching though.

I LOVE KISS. Saw them in 78 (no comments on that youngie). They kicked ass!

screwdestiny said...

Well, you know it's not good. But for what it's worth, this is why you aren't losing those ten pounds. If you're constantly not eating enough, your body will think it's starving (which is sounds like it periodically is), and it will hold on to everything that it can. Your body will not cooperate, will not let you lose that weight, until you treat it right. But I guess you'll change to a healthier mind state when you are ready to. Just don't do anything terribly dangerous in the meantime.