Friday, October 26, 2007

Am I just crazy?

So I was inspired by a wonderful blog post today, over at The Hobo Stripper. A lot of the things she says I find myself thinking deeply about. Today's post had me really look at myself and the world around me.

Yes, I've been influenced by the media. My friends, my family, everyone around me has. So of course, growing up I hated myself because all of the kids called me fat. So why was it one of the kids called me one night, to tell me he thought I was beautiful? Was it a dare? He never told anyone. Of course not, that would have been embarassing. Nobody thinks the fat girl is pretty. Still, it made me sohappy to think that someone thought I was pretty that I actually couldn't sleep for a few days.

I've always been in some kind of spotlight. My mom did this to me. She found out I could sing when I was in preschool, so ever since then it was auditions, talent agencies, stages, and the only place I felt accepted was on stage because it was one thing I could do better than anyone else. And I never stopped to think that maybe it wasn't my fat that the other kids hated. Maybe it was the fact that I could do something that they couldn't. I was the only kid in the ENTIRE SCHOOL who had been accepted TWICE into the honor's chorus. So in the 6th grade, who did the award for best choir member or something go to? A girl who had only been in it once. I was so angry. She only ever sang one solo for school, where I sang at least three or four. I've carried this bitterness around for eleven years. Eleven years! And it's been the same way throughout those eleven years.

First, middle school. The girls hated me because I was accepted into all sorts of choral programs. I sang solos even though I wasn't technically IN chorus class. I was called fat, repulsive, everything. So why was it that anyone who knew me outside of school I easilly became friends with?

Then high school. I'll admit, I found three REALLY good friends in high school. The four of us were inseperable. I loved them for how they made me feel; accepted, wanted, and everything. I never really felt ugly around them. I did what I wanted and damn.. I ended up being 180lbs. I was really really fat for a girl who's only 5'1". I look back on those pictures and shudder, because I was so fat.. but I also look back and see that in all of my pictures, I'm smiling. When was the last time I was that happy? Back then, I went swimming and didn't care that people saw me.

Now, 50lbs thinner, I refuse to put on a swimsuit near my boyfriend's family. The sight of the fat I have left makes me ashamed of myself. I eat low carb out of guilt, because I KNOW I can be thin, if only I try hard enough.

But then people say I'm not really fat. People who care about me. Now that I think about it, only two people have ever called me fat in the past 5 years. One of them was a bitch that nobody liked.. the other one was a guy who made light of my eating disorder. I was talking to my friends about how my mom was worried about me not eating, and he smirks and says "I doubt that", and laughs. Worst off, it was one of Willy's cousins.

Well I'm sorry I'm not thin, but I do not overeat. I haven't overeaten in so long, I doubt I even could. I have so much guilt when I DO eat, that food has become like this horrible punishment. And then I read posts like in Hobo Stripper's blog, and I realize that this all might be in my head. Maybe I AM normal. Am I?? I'm 130lbs at 5'1". I'm in the "healthy" weight range, but I still feel fat. I can see fat on me. But that's normal, isn't it?? Maybe I just don't want to be normal. I go on stage, and I want people to see someone hot. I don't feel hot. I'm confident about my singing, but not my appearence. It's just not fair that I have to beat myself up over how I look when I hardly eat anything, and other girls can eat whatever they want and not gain a thing.

So how much of it is true? How much is in my head? And can I ever go back to eating like a "normal person", or will I always feel that gut wrenching guilt?

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