Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Fell off the wagon..

Yeah, I did. I fell off the wagon. I was depressed, so I ate crap I shouldn't have.

I didn't even really ENJOY it.. it's just we have no food in the house, and by the time everyone gets home we're too tired to go shopping! Well, lets go shopping today, dammit!! Maybe our toilet paper shortage will encourage an exodus to the supermarket.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Been a while..

It's been a while since I've had a Whopper from Burger King. However, since it's one of the few fast food chains that has agreed to take the lead in meeting higher standards in meat production (this includes not confining more than 5 birds to one cage, employing more officials to regulate slaughter houses, ect.), I will gladly support them.

It limits how much fast food I can eat, which is a good thing, yanno?? I can't eat at other places due to guilt alone!

Although I would greatly preffer to eat wild meat that's been hunted. Anyone know a place in Northern Virginia where I can buy wild meat?? Shoot, I'd hunt it myself if I could!


Too goshdamn busy.

Saturday -

Woke up. Went to the DMV to get Willy's VA drivers license. Went to IHOP. Got myself the Colorado omelette and OMGWTF that thing was HUGE. Dude, I never considered eating steak for breakfast, but holy FUCK was it good. I managed to eat half of it, and half of my pancakes. I mean HOLY SHIZZLE that shit was good.. We walked around the mall and I bought a few moves, Carrie and From Hell. I loooove Carrie.

Then Willy locked his keys in his car, once we got home.. with ALL OF HIS PERSONAL INFO STILL INSIDE... so he had to call his mom to come up and drop off his spare keys. So we waited for her to come, then we went to Chipotle for lunch. I had tacos. They were awesome.

Then I dragged everyone to Fox Meadow Vineyards where we drank and made merry. Then, when we got home, our WoW buddies came over and we went to TGI Friday for food. Noj and I were pretty full, so I just ordered a drink and cheesecake, but the damn thing was too sweet and I only at half.

Sunday -

Woke up, took a shower. Met up with Sam and Justin, went to the Wok n' Roll for Chinese, then went to Jaxx. They pushed back the show from 2 to 5.. We played alright, though. My guys said it wasn't our best show, but I honestly can't usually tell when they make mistakes because I'm too focused on not making any myself. XD

Went home, drove to Maryland to pick up Willy, then finally went back home and went to sleep.

Such an exhausting weekend.

Friday, October 26, 2007

African Scarification

I'm definately not one to judge other people's culture. Goodness only knows that the Spanish were cruel to the American Indians, and the Central American Indians practiced ritualistic sacrifice. Go back in time and I don't think you can find any culture that didn't practice something that we would consider cruel.

That being said, some tribes in Africa still practice scarification. They consider scars to be symbolic of growth, of status, and beauty. I suppose it's not that different from getting a tattoo, but the only problem I have is the fact that it's done to children who have no choice. That always frightens me.

These pictures are NSFW, and not for the faint of heart. They depict a young boy being scarred during a ceremony in his tribe.

It hurt me to see the type of thing that people do to their children because they believe it's best for them. It reminds me of modern male circumcision, amongst other things.

Organic Meat

After watching the cruelty that goes into most mass-meat production, I don't think I can ever eat non-organic meat or dairy products ever again. It just makes me sick to my stomach to imagine what went into the meat at the grocery store, and in food chains.


Is this what I look like? I look at it and it doesn't seem so bad.. but is it accurate?

Am I just crazy?

So I was inspired by a wonderful blog post today, over at The Hobo Stripper. A lot of the things she says I find myself thinking deeply about. Today's post had me really look at myself and the world around me.

Yes, I've been influenced by the media. My friends, my family, everyone around me has. So of course, growing up I hated myself because all of the kids called me fat. So why was it one of the kids called me one night, to tell me he thought I was beautiful? Was it a dare? He never told anyone. Of course not, that would have been embarassing. Nobody thinks the fat girl is pretty. Still, it made me sohappy to think that someone thought I was pretty that I actually couldn't sleep for a few days.

I've always been in some kind of spotlight. My mom did this to me. She found out I could sing when I was in preschool, so ever since then it was auditions, talent agencies, stages, and the only place I felt accepted was on stage because it was one thing I could do better than anyone else. And I never stopped to think that maybe it wasn't my fat that the other kids hated. Maybe it was the fact that I could do something that they couldn't. I was the only kid in the ENTIRE SCHOOL who had been accepted TWICE into the honor's chorus. So in the 6th grade, who did the award for best choir member or something go to? A girl who had only been in it once. I was so angry. She only ever sang one solo for school, where I sang at least three or four. I've carried this bitterness around for eleven years. Eleven years! And it's been the same way throughout those eleven years.

First, middle school. The girls hated me because I was accepted into all sorts of choral programs. I sang solos even though I wasn't technically IN chorus class. I was called fat, repulsive, everything. So why was it that anyone who knew me outside of school I easilly became friends with?

Then high school. I'll admit, I found three REALLY good friends in high school. The four of us were inseperable. I loved them for how they made me feel; accepted, wanted, and everything. I never really felt ugly around them. I did what I wanted and damn.. I ended up being 180lbs. I was really really fat for a girl who's only 5'1". I look back on those pictures and shudder, because I was so fat.. but I also look back and see that in all of my pictures, I'm smiling. When was the last time I was that happy? Back then, I went swimming and didn't care that people saw me.

Now, 50lbs thinner, I refuse to put on a swimsuit near my boyfriend's family. The sight of the fat I have left makes me ashamed of myself. I eat low carb out of guilt, because I KNOW I can be thin, if only I try hard enough.

But then people say I'm not really fat. People who care about me. Now that I think about it, only two people have ever called me fat in the past 5 years. One of them was a bitch that nobody liked.. the other one was a guy who made light of my eating disorder. I was talking to my friends about how my mom was worried about me not eating, and he smirks and says "I doubt that", and laughs. Worst off, it was one of Willy's cousins.

Well I'm sorry I'm not thin, but I do not overeat. I haven't overeaten in so long, I doubt I even could. I have so much guilt when I DO eat, that food has become like this horrible punishment. And then I read posts like in Hobo Stripper's blog, and I realize that this all might be in my head. Maybe I AM normal. Am I?? I'm 130lbs at 5'1". I'm in the "healthy" weight range, but I still feel fat. I can see fat on me. But that's normal, isn't it?? Maybe I just don't want to be normal. I go on stage, and I want people to see someone hot. I don't feel hot. I'm confident about my singing, but not my appearence. It's just not fair that I have to beat myself up over how I look when I hardly eat anything, and other girls can eat whatever they want and not gain a thing.

So how much of it is true? How much is in my head? And can I ever go back to eating like a "normal person", or will I always feel that gut wrenching guilt?

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Animal Rights

Okay, I'm not an activist of any sort. I'm not the type who goes out of their way to save anything, I'll let you know this right now. However, I think I could be, just because this makes me sick.

So an "artist" thought it would be art to starve a dog, and exhibit his dead body. Apparently this bastard can't tell the difference between art and plain cruelty. How the fuck does someone starve an animal, then have the balls to call it art? That makes me really sick, and this guy needs to have the book thrown at him. This is not art. I don't care how many liberal arts bastards will say otherwise, it's not art. Where is my authority to judge what is and is not art? In my conscience. I mean holy shit, people. Have we artists become so disconnected that we can seriously kill an animal and claim it as a work of art? We better not. This is the last thing that the art community needs.

Please be aware of this type of cruelty, and know that it should not go unpunished.

Cheating vs Starving

So last night, I cheated on my diet. It was a lot less easy than one would expect, given the circumstances. What happened was, I had no low-carb food in the house that I could make a meal from. So Willy decided we could make a stir fry, with rice to stretch the vegetables and what little meat we had. I asked my friends online for advice, and of course them being the sweet and loving people they are, tell me I don't need to lose weight, I'm fine, et cetera. Talk like that makes it so hard to lose ten pounds...So anyway, I ate about a cup of rice with some sausage and peppers. The sausage and peppers would have been good on their own, but there just wasn't enough for me to horde it and leave enough for the others in the house. This diet makes me feel kinda selfish sometimes.. but I'm going to go grocery shopping tomorrow, hopefully, and that will make things better. I'll need to buy more low-carb friendly things, like more meat that I can make easilly, lunch meat, cheese, lots of peppers and a few onions, maybe some broccoli and green beans. Things like that. I really didn't want to cheat, last night.

I'm just happy we'll be going out again, this weekend. We're taking Toki and Jin (my roommates) to the orchard we passed when we went to the vineyard last weekend, and then taking them to Fox Meadow. It should be lots of fun, I love a nice long car ride with people I love, and I love to get out of the house as often as possible. Tonight I have band practice, which I am sort of dreading, as it's our last one before our next show at Jaxx this Sunday. It's gonna be a Halloween show, which will be AWESOME, because this is my favorite holiday.. but still, I'm always nervous before any show. Wouldn't you be?

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Crappy vocal tracks + irritating hoebags = latest Britney Spears album

Let it be known that I am not a Britney Spears fan.

Her disregard for all things decent have caused me to not only despise her, but want her deported from the US to become some other nation's embarassment. I just listened to three tracks from her new album, and while the techno would be awesome on it's own, add her voice to it and it will make many people want to throw their monitors out of a window.

It's that bad.

She's always had this scratchy monotone voice. She likes to sing the same note for a long time because, well, the bitch has no range. Lots of female pop singers do this. They make up for their lack of musical talent by being ultra sexy, but Britney Spears can't even do that anymore. Is she fat? No, she's probably thinner than Kim Kardashian. Is she trashy? Yes. Is she trashy to the point where it's sad to look at her? Even moreso. She reminds me of a little kid who can no longer have her way, so she resorts to doing retarded things for attention. Like not wear panties, and spend hundreds of dollars a week at Starbucks. Buying what, you ask? Frappuchinos with more sugar in them than the Olsen twins on Full House. Then she calls herself a "fat pig" and cries. Then people are afraid she's "starving herself". I almost wish that she would so she could have a real problem. The problem with her is that there IS no problem. She's too rich and too self absorbed to see past the fact that nobody thinks she's sexy anymore. And the worse part is..

I just paid her more attention.

Well, I deserve to rant every once in a while. Chicks like this piss me off like nothing else. Plus this has been a slow work week for me and I need some kind of distraction. I'm seriously going NUTS here...

My teef hurt!

I went back to the dentist today, for my cleaning.

I must say, it was my moth painful visit to the dentist yet. Of course, I don't think I've gone in around four years.. so that's to be expected. I didn't know, however, that apparently the tartar buildup in people's teeth is so hard, they have to literally sand it and scrape it off. I really didn't know that. I mean this shit was HARD. It was like for some reason, I smeared concrete over my teeth. Very painful experience to have it all scraped off like that..

The rest went pretty easy. I got a lesson in proper flossing, and learned that I was doing it wrong this whole time. Apparently I have to go beneath the gumline. That made me shudder, watching her do it. I actually gasped when I watched her dive into my gums and scrape at all that toothy goodness.

So no cavities, no surgery needed, no nothing. My teeth are perfectly healthy, all 32 of them. Yes, I have all of my wisdom teeth. I guess I'm lucky in that having good teeth was never an issue for me. Lets hope this continues.

The other day I heard a dude next to me that needed his teeth to be pulled because they were rotten. Ughghgh...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


So as you know, one of the chicks who's body I admire is Kim Kardashian, a vapid and slutty LA hooker, and former best buddy of Paris Hilton. As you can see from her photos, we're probably not too different in terms of shape. Well, that's not entirely true.. I am totally envious of her legs. We may have the same butt, but MAN her legs are in good shape. I'd also kill for her boobs. You know this.

Then again, you've always got the staple of femenine beauty, and that's miss Munroe. Who didn't envy her, back in the day? And no, ladies, she was NOT a size 16 at her heaviest. Not by today's standards. Not even a 12. She was, at her heaviest, a size 10 or 9 at most. She was also around 5'6", which explains her proportions. Kim Kardashian is 5'3", which is a bit more reasonable for me to use as a role model, since I am 5'1". I wonder how much she weighs?

I've been good on my diet, except last night I had a bit of wine. I'd say about half a glass. I had it with cheese, so it shouldn't have impacted me.. but this morning I went up a pound. Not a big deal. Weight tends to fluctuate when you're losing. I'd just better not start stalling again. My scale (which LIES) says 130, which is where I -ALWAYS- stall. Drives me crazy. I'll give it another few weeks, because I do NOT want to do the fat fast again. Of course, even if I don't lose it, if I get some breast implans I can always pull off Kim's look.

See the rolls?? Man I love her.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Chinese food; on a diet!

If my scale can be trusted (which it can't), I'm down to 129. I do not trust my scale. However inaccurate it may be, however, I've still lost something, which is reason enough to be proud.

Willy and I just returned from eating Chinese, like we do every Monday. There's plenty of low-carb-friendly options at a Chinese food buffet. This like:

- beef and broccoli
- BQ pork
- mushrooms
- pepper chicken (without skin!)
- stir fry green beans

Just try to keep in mind: No bread, no sugar. If you keep that in your head, it will be pretty easy to see what you can and can not eat. Right now, I'm pretty full. Hurray for low-carb dieting! And now, for my inspiration. Oh Kim.. you sexy dumb ass whore.. you're so beautiful. One day I'll have a body close to yours. One that hasn't seen plastic surgery. One day.

So.. Dumbledore's gay?

So I read today that J.K. Rowling has announced that Dumbledore was actually gay with his friend, the wizard he defeated named Gellert Grindelwald.

For those of you who aren't Potter fans, Gellert was a wizard that Dumbledore knew in his boyhood. They became best friends, but later, Dumbeldore became dissapointed in Gellert's interest in the dark arts, and his attitude towards muggles.

The article is here.

Now, I honestly don't know how to take this. On the one hand, yay for having a gay character who is also respected and loved. On the other hand... why the hell couldn't she have just written that in the book? I got so sick of Rowling's cryptic bullshit, after the 6th book. The 5th was great. The 6th left me so goshdamn angry. Really. If you want your character to be gay, don't beat around the bush and reveal it later. Come out and say it. You don't have to mention their sexual activity or anything like that, but giving your reader enough information to know what type of relationship your characters have is what makes a good writer. Leaving readers in the dark and then going, "a HA! I fooled you all!" is not the mark of a good writer.

I'm really dissapointed in Rowling, now. I think the last Potter movie is probably my favorite, of them all, and I am really afraid of how the last two will go.

Red red wine..

So yesterday, my Willy left our RP guild in WoW.

He left for a few reasons, most of them being the gigantic drama whores that make up most of my guild. Being the actual GUILD MASTER, I can't leave. Nor do I want to. Willy just isn't into RP as much as I am. He's a casual RPer at best, so while he's bummed out that he doesn't have his guild anymore, he's relieved not to have to deal with their crap. Of course, he's still bummed out. So yesterday, after being VERY bummed most of the day, he went out for motor oil and I bought shoes.

5$ for a pair of high-heeled clogs. With CAMO. OMG they match EVERYTHING. And they were 5$. God praise the Rugged Warehouse.

To be honest, his being bummed was making me bummed, so I was about to take off and drive to West Virginia for some time to myself. Allong the way, he calls me, and I felt so guilty that I asked him to come with me. I told him I didn't know where I was going, I was just driving west. So onward we drove, until we were a few minutes short of the Skyline Drive, and I saw the sign for a vineyard.

So we (or I) decided to check it out. It was our first time at a real vineyard (since my grandparents' don't count, as this is a hoity-toity American vineyard..), and we got to do wine tasting. We visited the The Fox Meadow Winery in Linden Virginia. Now, Willy usually hates wine. But he actually enjoyed the wine tasting, and lady was very friendly, and HE actually said we should by a bottle of pinot gris and share it on the balcony, looking out at the Blue Ridge Mountains.

I was glad to get away from WoW. Honestly, I love the game, but with him and I it seems to create a lot of grief and I almost wish we'd stop playing entirely, but I'm terribly addicted and we both enjoy it too much.

Anyway.. the wine tasting made me tipsy. I drank so little, people. SO LITTLE. We tasted 6 wines, and each time she poured it was about the width of my pinky. I had LESS than half a glass of wine, and yes, I was tipsy. So when we got to the balcony with our smoked sausage and bottle, I drank only about 2/10ths of a glass, just to seem proper. Sausage was good, though, and it was a beautiful view. The sun was setting allong the Blue Ridge Mountains, and we had an entire vineyard laid out before us, vines heavy with grapes.

It was honestly heavenly. I'm never so happy as when I'm in places like that.

Of course, then Willy has to ruin it (lol kidding, this is great..) by talking about the impression he got from the establishment. Leaning into me causially, swirling the wine beneath his nose, he asked, "..do you get the impression that at midnight, rich people come here to sample wine paired with people meat?"

Yes. Somewhere allong the way, between the pairing of syrah and horseradish cheese, Willy got it into his head that these were the type of people to murder a human being, marinate him, cook him, and serve him to guests to be paired with their wines. The human meat would not be the main attraction, the wine would. Because you see, rich people don't see humans as people. They see them as cattle.

We went into a long in-depth conversation about this. It inspired me to write a book, which I am currently working on. I'm doing research on wine to get started. It will be my first non-fantasy novel, and I'm a little nervous, but I think it has a market.

Anyhow.. too drunk to drive home, Willy took Sunstreaker and we drove away from my beautiful mountains. Needless to say, I didn't want to leave.

We'll be returning next Saturday.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Racism within your own race?

How ridiculous is this?

Click here to read the article.

That black people are racist against one another is the most ridiculous and awe inspiring thing that I've ever heard. Next thing you know, Latinos are going to be pissed because my nose is European.

I remember my dad telling me that, as a kid in El Salvador, he was teased by a woman in town. My dad's really dark, definately deep-rooted with Native American blood, with solid black hair and black eyes. This lady used to tease him because his brother was lighter skinned, more my complexion. I'm lighter because I'm half White. Half Spanish White. Half blonde hair/green eyes White. My brother and sister both have white kids, with blonde hair and blue eyes.

I swear to God, this stuff weirds me out. How the hell can you discriminate against people who's discrimination you share?? Isn't the world harsh enough on people? Why should we add to it? It makes no goshdamn sense.

My Muse

There is one celebrity with whom I would like to model my body after. If I could have anyone's body, it would be her's.

I warn you right now. This girl is a talentless slut who came out with a sex tape similar to Paris Hilton. She is famous for her enormous ass. She likely has fake breasts. However, I believe that her fake boobs were put there to even out her giant butt, so all is forgiven. After all, I feel the same way. My hips and ass are huge, so why the hell do I have such mediocre boobs?

I've lost another 3lbs, and if my scale is to be trusted (which it's NOT) I'm 130lbs again. I don't believe this for a second, considering that the last time I saw my doctor, MY scale said 138, and HER scale said 143. So I'm going to let my clothes do the decision making for me. If they're looser, the diet is working. My jeans were a bit looser, yesterday. I'll let that speak for itself.

And now, the girl I would like my body to resemble... Kim Kardashian.

Click here to see her.

Surprised? Maybe. Her body isn't too far off from mine. She's definately taller than me, so I can only hope to have her shapely legs. She's NOT SKINNY. All she is, is devoid of cellulute. Which I have. In large ammounts. She dresses so awesome, and I definately wouldn't mind taking lessons from her. Damn my vanity to hell, but I wish I had her boobs. I WISH I didn't consider fake boobs to be ridiculous, because MAN do I love big boobs. Mine feel so inferior, and I just know that if I get down to my goal weight of 120lbs, they'll be the first things to shrink. Fucking A..

It's very likely that I'll never have real natural boobs that exceed a C cup unless I get pregnant, which might make me fat all over, and I can't be having that. Not again. I saw pictures of myself during my first year of college, and ladies and gentlemen, FUCK THAT. I refuse to ever be that fat again. I will tattoo the word FAT on my wrist before I ever allow myself to become that morbidly obese. No way in hell will I ever allow myself to be larger than a size 10 in jeans. I am 5'1". Being a size 10 is ridiculous. Come hell or high water, I WILL be a size 8, or even a 6. Goshdammit I want to wear a swimsuit and not feel ostricized. I want to be able to wear anything and look good. I want to feel hot, inside and out.

My ranting completed, I should like to end this on a high not.

As of today, 5 LBS gone!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Atkins Diet

So as you may or may not know, I'm a big supporter of the Atkins Diet. It's been nearly five years now, since I lost 50lbs on the plan. I'm 5'1", and at the time I was 180lbs. I was asked to do this by my boyfriend at the time, who actually made me feel really crappy about myself. Dieting was easy when I had someone urging me to do it, which brings up my first point about dieting.

1) Never diet for someone else. Do it for yourself.

I can't tell you how hard it is to stick to a healthy lifestyle when you're living for someone else's ideals. I broke up with that boyfriend almost four years ago now, and I've never been happier. My new boyfriend (well, not new now.. ha!) is a sweet and caring person who loves me just the way I am. It's for this reason I've gained 10lbs. Which brings me to my second point...

2) Don't let other people's opinions change your own.

If you feel fat, do something about it. If you don't, you'll feel like crap every day. Guilt will accompany your evenings out, and it will nag you in your sleep. I personally hate feeling guilty and fat. I'm at least 15lbs overweight, that is, I'm 10lbs over the "normal healthy weight" in the BMI scale. When I was 130lbs, I still felt fat. So I'm doing something about it right now. Of course, there is my 3rd point...

3) Be a "healthy" weight.

That is, if you're 5'6" and 120lbs, odds are you're already at a healthy weight. Feeling flabby? Work out. Dieting will not help you to do anything but become unneccisarilly thin. Don't do it. I implore you.

At the moment, I'm on the Atkins "fat fast", which helps metabolically resistant people. I hit a stall and was unable to start losing again, and I'm hoping this will kickstart my diet. I've been on it for just a day and a half now, and you're not meant to do it for more than five. It is DANGEROUS to do it for more than five. So I urge anyone who would like to try it to do lots of research beforehand. Check out Jimmy Moore's Livin' La Vida Low Carb blog for info on the Fat Fast, his link is to the right. Fit Day, another link I have listed, can help you (for free!) to count calories and carbs.

Hope this helps!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The First - A plea to artists

So this is my first post in what I hope will be an adequate blog to showcase how I feel about the world, and the people in it. I'm usually not one to take my own opinions seriously, as I'm both a nerd and an artist. So let me start off by saying..

Please. If you don't agree with what I say, comment. I don't mind. I like hearing other people's opinions.

A little about myself:

I'm in my early 20's, and I'm from DC. I'm an artist, and I work as a 3d modeler for an Engineering firm. I'm a singer, and I sing for a power metal band called Blood Corps. Any other information, you're likely to get from my blog.

And so we begin!

As an artist I find it fairly simple to pull at people's emotions. We're expressionists, we can bring people happiness, joy, anger, and we do it for money. Personally, I like to make people excited with my art. Happy. I'm a happy person, so I want others to be happy. Some people want to make people sad with their art, which is also cool. Having the ability to invoke emotions is a gift.

What I don't understand is people who want to hurt people with their art. For example in

this article here

we learn about a European cartoonist who's on the run from Al Qaeda because he decided to draw the Prophet Muhammed as a dog. He claims to be

a self-described atheist, points out he's an equal opportunity offender who in the past sketched a depiction of Jesus as a pedophile.

Now. I've got no issue with people who's beliefs are different from mine. If he wants to insult my religion, he's free to do so. I'm not arguing the validity of his beliefs. What I wonder is why he'd do it. Why, when you have the skill to make people happy, would you go out of your way to make people unhappy? Why would you put your life in danger, for something so trivial? Is it for popularity? For the thrill? I honestly don't understand.

Bear in mind, I'm not the type to shy away from joking. I joke about everything from religion to race to sports, but I've never gone out of my way to insult someone else's beliefs.

Except for Scientology.

And therein lies the biggest argument of them all. Am I a hippocrite? You betcha, but at least I'll openly admit it.

However, let it be known that my art will never be used to paint an ill picture of anyone's beliefs. I don't agree with Scientology, so naturally, I won't bring it up. What would be the point? I think it's a scam, so the last thing I want to do is advertise it. I'd rather let it's followers do their thing without getting into some sort of weird situation where people are trying to kill me for drawing Xenu as a hampster.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is.. please people, lets try to be courteous to eachother. There's no reason to hate, especially when there's so much hate in the world as it is.