Friday, October 30, 2009

My favorite holiday!

Well, it's Halloween! This is my favorite holiday. I used to think I'd throw a party every year, but this year it's a no go. Fortunately, we DID find a good substitute... Willy and I are going to see Dethklok on Halloween!! Tomorrow, after work, he'll be picking me up and we'll spend my favorite holiday watching some incarnation of Dethklok. Now, that doesn't spare me the steaming hot slice of guilt I feel when indulging in Halloween treats, but... hopefully it will be a distraction! Right now, I'm making brownies for the people at work. I'm praying that, despite how much I love the people I work with, I won't work there much longer.

I went and applied to an office position, today. The lady didn't look terribly excited about me, and I saw another applicant leave before I got there.. she looked like a teenager and she was wearing sweatpants. Holy crap I hope I don't get rejected because I'm OVER-qualified... I need a new job so badly. I'm not sure what else to do!

Eh, that's enough whining for today... happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Big trouble in little Manassas.

Well, it looks like Willy and I have planning to do. As an artist in the gaming industry, it's always hard to have a lasting job, and with the economy the way it is, we're always worrying about what his job will bring. Well, I'm literally making HALF of what I once made, which means there's NO WAY we can live off of my paycheck. So if something happens with his job, we'll probably have to do... something. What that something is fills me with shame and depression; moving in with his parents.

Now, I love his parents. Don't get me wrong. They live in a beautiful neighborhood, but it's aaaaaall the way in Maryland, and my job is aaaaaall the way in Fairfax, so I'd be stuck in a horrendous commute if we ended up moving. Sure, we wouldn't have to worry about paying rent for a while, but oh god... moving back in with mom and dad because he can't find another job would be devastating. I'm really scared, right now. We're used to packing all of our stuff into teeny tiny spaces (hence the studio!!) but I'm so scared. We've been going backwards in our progression as successful adults ever since I was laid off, and now it looks like things might even be worse.

I don't even have time to worry about my bad eating habits. Lately I've been having stomach issues, but I'm going to blame that on going back on my plan after a few days of eating crappy. I've been craving cold vegetables and salad like CRAZY for the past few days. I feel so weird. Maybe it's stress.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Cops suck, again.

So I got a parking ticket, today. Where? Why, at my apartment building of course! For what reason? My expired tags. Now, had I seen the officer, I could have shown him the receipt for my new tags, proving that they are in the mail. Unfortunately, to dispute this claim, I actually have to go to the district court, fill out paperwork, get a court date, THEN go to court. Just to prove that I did what I was supposed to do, while that fucking cop didn't follow protocol and find out whether or not my car was in the system, which he would HAVE to do if he stopped me in traffic.

So now my car is out there, just waiting for another ticket that I don't deserve. Cops fucking suck.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

So sad...

So once again, this year Willy and I have had to miss out on the Maryland Renn Faire. The year I graduated college, I worked there during the weekends, and it was one of the best times of my life. I miss being able to go every weekend, to see people setting up, to buy pretty things, to do all of the things I could do when I lived with my parents and didn't need to spend money on silly things like rent. Back then, all I had to worry about were my car payments and insurance, and my student loan.

Amazing how much the bills pile up when you leave the nest.

Nowadays, Willy and I basically just go to work so we can afford to live and go to work. We go out every once in a while, but not at the amount that keeps me happy. Working on Saturdays and having band practice on Sundays does limit me, but so does our budget. It makes me pine for the days when I made literally TWICE the amount that I make now. I can't even describe how awful it is to work a job that I am overqualified for, because I can't seem to find a job in my field. And that alone is depressing enough, and I can't go out or party the way I once did. I can't even hold my own parties anymore, which I used to enjoy to a crazy amount, because we live in a studio on our own.

Basically, things suck and I'm whining. Probably won't get better until one of us gets a better paying job, but I know it's up to me to do that before him. 'cuz, yanno, I been laid off THREE TIMES, and at this point I'm just desperate for a job that will actually have need of the things I went to college for.

Oh, dreams.

Friday, October 23, 2009

It's true!

I've gotta go to work in a few, and after that, it's off to see Saw 6!! YAAAAAAY!! Yes, there has been a Saw movie for every year Willy and I have been together, and I will be sad when they go away. Every year it's like a new chapter in the Saw saga, and I never want it to end!!Anyway, it's true, I am brown. Here's a friend of mine and myself at the KISS concert. Yup, that's me in the make-up, doing my best Paul Stanley face. I thought I'd put up a picture real quick just to illustrate how brown I am, because I'm one of those shades that can be associated with nearly any race. Is she Indian? American Native? Egyptian? White? Half black? Who knows! I've been asked if I was all of these things, which I'm kind of proud of, because I means I ever need to, I can sneak through society like a spy...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Yaaayyyy... emissions testing day...

Well, I was driving to work yesterday, when those ever-friendly blinking lights showed up behind me. I let loose with the curses, checked to make sure I wasn't speeding (I wasn't) and that I was buckled in (I was) and my cellphone wasn't pressed against my ear (it was in my purse). Finding nothing wrong with myself, I began the whole, "Fucking cop, it's because I'm brown ain't it? Or because I drive a shiny yellow car? You fucking suck, cop!" I pull over, and he saunters toward m'car.

"Hello there, can I see your license please?"
"Your license plates are expired."
"...oh. Oh! I'm sorry!"
"Make sure you get that taken care of."

Boy did I feel like an asshole. In my defense however, I have a history of being stopped by shitty cops. On Sept. 11th, I was stopped by a cop, who had his lights on THE ENTIRE TIME, and then got yelled at for not moving when he parked behind me. See, I stopped by the curb to pick up a friend from the Metro, which this cop took to me parking in a no-parking-zone. However, my brakes weren't on, my engine was still running, and my friend was COMING DOWN THE STAIRS. He even watched as this gaddamn cop wrote me a ticket, and had enough time to take pictures.It's not that I hate cops. It's that I have horrible luck and tend to run into the meanest asshole cops in existence. You'd think the fact that I have TWO cops in my family (both of them brothers-in-law) and my sister works for the DC police would give me good cop karma. But no, all they see is a bright yellow car being driven by a little brown girl and it's "lets yell at this chick and give her a hefty fine" day. All except yesterday's cop, whom I would have gladly hugged in exchange for not giving me the ticket I probably deserved for not having done my emissions testing on time. Twenty days late, in fact.

Virginia is really really REALLY strict on these things, so I'm off to Midas to get Sunstreaker checked out. No worries, I already ate my breakfast.

Quick tip: Adding tabasco sauce to your scrambled eggs is AWESOME.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Awwww, bummer!

Well, looks like nobody spoke to the club manager about getting us recorded for Sync Live.. but the good news is that we do have video of our performance, which I should get my hands on by Thursday. And thank goodness for that, because it was the absolute BEST performance we've ever done! I've never been so proud of the guys or myself.

Now for a little media news, looks like some designers in England are working on a new pageant called "Miss Natural Curves" for chicks who are a size 12 and over. I think that in England, a size 12 is about a 10 in the US? Well anyway, I think it's a great idea. I wish we had one in the US! Our only beauty pageants are pretty much either for plus-sized women (you must be a 14 at least) or for really skinny women (you must be a size 2 at most), so what about all of those chicks in between?? I've always wanted to compete in beauty pageants, but my weight isn't the only thing stopping me... at 5'1" I'm just too short to model a damn thing! Too short and too curvy, which is what leads me to my next discussion, action figures!

I swear this will make sense...

A friend of mine contacted me about sculpting me as an action figure, sort of like the KISS action figures by McFarlane Toys. Mine is going to be more of a statuette than a posable action figure, but, it will be molded so that there can be more produced, and we'll be making boxes for them and everything! So not only am I going to be helping out a friend with his portfolio... I'm gonna be a freaking action figure!! I can't tell you what a dream come true that is for me.

As for weight loss, I went a little crazy yesterday and ate a few things I shouldn't have. I'm gonna try not to guilt trip myself, because seriously, I was freaking starving, and I'd rather eat something crappy than suffer those massive headaches again. Now I just gotta work my ass off to make the bad food go away... here we go again.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Show toniiiight!

I almost got into a fist-fight with my WiiFit, today. According to the Fit, I'm 124 pounds. But my bathroom scale says 120.5, and my clothes are looser, soooo... I'm not gonna let myself be too bummed out. 2/3 ain't bad.

Anyways ya'll, tonight is my show with Moonspell!! If you care to watch us streaming LIVE, you can go right here:


I'll post the video afterward, but there's nothing like watching it live!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

What the hell is wrong with you people?!

So I know I have this problem, where I see people who have similar bodies to mine, and I'm jealous of them, but I still see myself as a cow. That aside... I found this article online at "Drunken Stepfather", a NSFW site (you might like it, Carlos!) about Chloe Kardashian in a dress that they considered too revealing for a "fat chick" like her. Holy mother of GOD. Look at this freaking WHALE. Here is the article.I know, right??? Look how FAT she is... the cellulite... the goey thighs... the giant gut... oh wait. She has NONE OF THOSE. Yet whoever wrote this article, who I am going to assume at this point is either an ultra-thin supermodel, or an overweight dude. He even included a close up of her tiny little belly. What the hell is wrong with people, nowadays? Just when I think it's okay, maybe I can loosen up on myself a little bit.. I see this and it makes me feel even worse. Because this is the consensus of the public. That a girl who looks like this is fat. It makes me want to punch everyone.

Now, for a small update on my own stupidity, I'm eating again, eating on my plan and hoping to stick to it. I'm trying to get over the fact that it feels good to fucking starve, because I know it's not good for me and it's not helping. Woo. This morning, I tried to return to my roots and made my favorite breakfast; scrambled eggs with tomatoes. If only I had some bacon, I'd have been in heaven. However, I feel that it's my duty to tell you that I did eat breakfast at... 1 PM. 'cuz that's around when I woke up. I don't know how I managed to sleep for 13 hours, but there ya go!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


I got a call last night from a friend of mine, asking if I'd like to see KISS for free. Of COURSE!! I went with her and a few friends into my beloved city of DC, and we saw KISS live at the Verizon Center. It was AMAZING. I had such a great time, and was crazy-inspired after wards. I can't wait until this Friday.

However, since this is a weight loss/eating disorder blog, I feel as if it's my responsibility to wrote about what's been going on this week. On Sunday I promised myself I'd go on a liquid diet so I'd be as thin as possible for Friday. Well, Monday night came, and Willy and I were discussing what to do for dinner. I was trying to hide my secret. Then I realized I was lying to my husband, and this was wrong of me. But I knew if I told him the truth, he'd be mad. So after some long internal debate, I told him. He said he wasn't mad, just very sad. So I had a few pieces of meat and some broccoli for dinner. Yesterday, I had coffee, half a cup of egg drop soup, and a small thing of fries at the Verizon Center. I feel so guilty for those fries, but I promised Willy I'd eat something.

I feel so weird for being guilty for eating. At first I felt guilty whenever I ate bad stuff, like fries and bread and other starchy food. Now I feel guilty for eating. I feel happy when I'm on "empty". It feels liberating. This is bad territory. I know if I go back to my therapist I won't be able to tell him the truth, because truthfully, I don't WANT to change. Yesterday my boss found out I weighed 180 and told me how impressed he was that I'd kept it off. Well, the truth is, I'm too paranoid to gain weight. I'm so worried about waking up fat one day that I can't bring myself to eat most of the time. This is not normal. And I don't want to change. Sometimes I try to sleep in as late as I can because sleeping too much makes me nauseous, which keeps me from eating.

Yeah, this isn't normal or good. I know that. But I don't ever want to be fat again, and I'm STILL dying to lose ten more pounds. I hate this mini gut that I have. I hate seeing my thighs so round. Willy says I have too much self hate. I think I have enough to keep myself from being fat again.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


Amazing how people can change from one year to the next. I was looking at one of my most prized photos; myself with the lead singer of Sonata Arctica, Tony Kakko. Then I was looking at this picture I took with my cell phone once I bought a new shirt from Hot Topic. I took it because it's got Flap Jack, which is one of the best cartoons I've seen in a loooong time... and I noticed how different my face is. For the better, I think. Seems like I lost weight in my face. It's kind of weird, because scale-wise, I'm around the same. But whatever man, can't look a gift horse in the mouth! One customer who comes in likes to call me Penelope Cruz on account of my weird (very Spanish) nose. Again, no arguing there. If you wanna compare me to a hot Spanish movie star, be my guest. In other news, my plateau is driving me crazy. I've got another show on Friday, and I've got to crack down so I look good for it. REALLY looking forward to this one, even more than the last. While I adore Edguy more than Moonspell, my band's own performance has been even more perfectly planned then last time. I'll be sure to post the video, and if you like you can even watch it live! I'll post the SyncLive link when it gets closer to the big day. Woo!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Oooh, gossip!

So one of the chicks from Baywatch has gained a bit of weight. Not THAT much, mind you.. she's maybe a 12 at most. Depends on her height. Anyway, she's gonna be on Celebrity Fit Club and she made this video. Now it's funny, because the Superficial is a website full of people who make fun of fate people like it's a sport. But for this video, a good 90% of the people posting are saying that they'd STILL hit that, she's not that fat, and the two dudes in the water are way fatter.

I totally agree. I still think the video is funny because of the ending, but damn, if this is what Hollywood is considering super ass fat, then we're in big trouble.

How does this hit me, personally? It hits me pretty badly, because my body is pretty similar to this chick's. I don't have the stomach, but everything else? Yes... which is why when I see those guys reject her, I feel reassured that I'm a huge fat-ass and need to keep trying to lose weight. Even though everyone is all, "Oh you're not fat!" I'll never feel like I'm thin until I'm Baywatch thin.

I was watching that new Comedy Central show, "Secret Girlfriend" (it's terrible) and there was a scene where these girls were playing kickball. I told Willy, "See, that's why I'm jealous of skinny girls. Look how much fun they're having." And he told me it was all in my head, I could totally have that much fun if I wanted to. He doesn't get it. I can NEVER have that much fun, because the entire time I'd be playing, I'd be afraid that some part of me that isn't my boobs would be jiggling, which would lead to people laughing at me. I'm not kidding. I go through every moment of my life afraid that someone is laughing at me for being fat. It's pretty damn taxing, but there you go.

I wish that I could wake up one day and have skinny thighs, and be able to wear shorts and run freely with all of the other giggling pretty girls. Wouldn't that be amazing? Holy shit.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Ah, Wednesday!

So it's Wednesday, that day where I'm home alone with the cat, doing laundry. I always come across the worst decisions on these days... to shower, or not to shower? To shop or not to shop? Mostly I mope around the house, wishing I had a better job, sending resume after resume while watching bad day-time TV. Speaking of which, at least Home Improvement is still on TV! Go Wilson!

I'm pretty much the same today, according to the WiiFit. No gains, no losses. I'm probably going to have to cut a few snacks from my diet that might be stalling me. No more caffeine (!!!), or nuts. I gotta make a grocery store run today, anyway. Only need a few things, like vegetables, and... vegetables!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Meal Planning

One of the most important things to do while dieting is to plan meals. Personally, I'm good at planning meals when I have an endless budget and can buy as many healthy snacks as humanly possible. Why? Because my husband will EAT THEM ALL within less than a week, leaving me with little to use.

I don't fault him for this. I'm GLAD he eats healthy snacks, but he tends to take more at a time than I can account for, so I'm usually left with a pantry full of canned corn and tuna. As it stands, I currently have that, and a few ziploc bags full of meat in the freezer. Also, a large assortment of spices and condiments, as well as nearly empty bags of rice that shall go untouched so long as I have the strength in me to persevere in this weight loss venture.

So really, I gotta get creative. I noticed I had some eggs in the fridge, which are a godsend to Atkins-ites everywhere. This means that tomorrow I'll have egg salad for lunch, and thank god for that. While at work, I tend to go from being contently full, to HOLY MOTHER OF VADER I AM STARVING. It's that painful type of starving that I always try to induce before going to a really amazing restaurant. I haven't done that in a while, but it's basically my inset idea that if I'm going to eat out, I should be painfully starving so that I can truly appreciate the experience. I don't do this while I'm dieting, because that sort of thinking leads to eating from the ever-present free bread basket that seems to be offered in every restaurant from Red Lobster to the Texas Road House.

ANYHOO, my brain tends to associate pain with pleasure. No, I'm not a cutter, but I am the sort of weirdo who likes to feel hungry because I know that the hungrier I am, the less is in my stomach, which makes it appear flatter. Now, how to explain why I enjoy hot wax dripping... maybe that's a post for another day.

Still, every time I get that surge of confidence with the hunger I feel really weird. Because I LOVE eating, but it makes me feel bad. And that intense hunger is usually followed by nausea and headaches, which I must say, are the worst side effects ever. I've passed out twice due to something associated with hunger and heat. Nearly three times, but the third time I managed to keep myself conscious. So I know it's dangerous to starve, which is why I don't do it. But man, sometimes I wish it did! Because it's so tempting to see anorexic chicks, sometimes. They make it look so easy. If I tried to starve myself, my body would probably stall in weight loss for a week before slowly losing one or two pounds before I just died. And I don't wanna die, I just wanna drop ten pounds. Is that too much to ask!?

I suppose it's enough just to be thankful that I weighed a bit less at my last doctor's visit. Ya'll know how those doctor scales are... at least 5+ more than what you weigh back home, right? Well this time, it was only 4+! Which is a step up. Usually when I go there I'm close to 130lbs. o_O This time it said 126, which is definitely an improvement. At home my usual weight is 122.5. This is definitely the plateau I've reached, and I'm working hard to get past it. Sometimes I do, but just a teeny tiny bit, but then it comes back the moment I eat something bad. I know I gotta keep on it, and luckily I have been for a while now, but that needle just isn't budging. I'm willing to bed that upping my exercise would help, but after spending 9 hours a day in a greenhouse, I'm less willing to go for a run if ya catch my drift...

Oh well, we'll see what I can do. I got a good two weeks before my next show, so here's hoping I can lose a few pounds before then.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Oh, you drugs, you...

Yesterday I visited the doctor about my migraines. My doctor is a kindly old lady with a voice like Mrs. Puff and an accent like Paula Dean.

So Paula Puff hears my complaints and gives me an ass-load of pills to try. Pills for my restless legs (won't get those until Monday), Vitamin D for my hair, and three different samples of migraine meds. I was suffering pretty bad by the time I got home, so I decided to take one of the samples before going to work.

We can see where this is going.

I get on the road and feel weird. Really weird. My head is throbbing, my neck is aching, and I feel DRUNK. So I call Willy with slurred speech, and luckily I was driving past his building on the way to work so he demanded I pull over so he could come pick me up. I made it to his building, and lay comatose for a few seconds. Once he got permission to take me home, I was in my passenger's seat, struggling to breathe.

I basically got all of the side effects associated with the pain killer, and NONE of the benefits. My head STILL fucking hurts. So I won't be trying the other ones until my next day off, which is Wednesday. Holy crap what an experience. Reminds me of the anti-depressants I was given, which did nothing but make me sleep for 15 hours. I guess you can't be depressed in your sleep, right?

Anyway, Willy's making me ditch Dr. Paula Puff in favor of a doctor that will actually try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and why I've had the same migraine for two weeks now, instead of giving me an arsenal of pills. It's a good thing I'm not a drug abuser, I tell you what...

Friday, October 2, 2009

That's crap!

Okay, so I have this condition that many people consider crap. It's called "restless leg syndrome". I've had this for a long time, I'm remembering that I've had it since at least high school, and it SUCKS. Most of the time I get it when I go to bed too late, and I'm seriously exhausted. What sucks about it is how it keeps me up at night. What sucks more is that there is no known treatment for it. It's gotten so bad recently that my legs will twitch without me making them. I'm sure they keep Willy up, too.

The pain is weird to describe. It's more like an... ache. Like, if I don't move my legs, I get this horrible horrible ache that won't go away, and the longer I go without moving them, the more crazy I have to move them in order to make them stop aching. I look like I'm possessed, flailing around like a maniac.

From Google Health:

Restless leg syndrome can result in a decreased quality of sleep (insomnia) with subsequent daytime sleepiness, anxiety or depression, and confusion or slowed thought processes from lack of sleep.

Oh yeah, definitely. I can't tell you how little I function without sleep. I'm just crap without my 8 hours, and restless legs wake me up constantly throughout the night. It's the worst! I'll be all comfy, with my cat nuzzled in one arm, and Willy in the other, and then I get the shakes. And my damn legs hurt, and I kick like a crazy person until both my cat and husband abandon their cuddle positions and I have to get up to stretch or walk. And as soon as I lie down again, the ache comes back. It hardly ever stops.

I got a doctor's appointment today for my headache. I'll also be throwing something in about my constant hair loss and restless legs. Yes, you read right. Hair loss. My hair hasn't been thick since middle school, and I lose a ton of full length strands every day. I don't know if it's a vitamin deficiency or what, but I'm really tired of it. Hopefully my doctor can work some magic or something.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Owwwwwwwwwww my head...

I'm finally buckling down and scheduling a doctor's appointment, today. I've gotten a bit sick of waking up with the same headache, just to pop a few ibuprofen to make them go away.

In other news, my bass player isn't coming to practice again tonight. Apparently, he'll be in Florida. Why? Who the hell knows!

As for me, I'll be busily taking care of my headache with yet another round of doctors visits. Last time this happened, I had an MRI which showed nothing. Which I guess is a relief, but I kinda wish they found out why my brain is constantly screaming. My migraines just sorta went away, then. Coincidentally, now that I think about it, they were happening around the same time last year... but I don't FEEL sick with allergies. What, do I get seasonal migraines?? This is fucking retarded.